jburt1
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2004 15 February :: 11.27pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: copeland "testing the strong ones"
Tonight probably wasn't as fun as it could've been, but it wasn't bad. I picked up jami and we waited for jill at st. mike's in brunswic. I guess it was their teen life mass. It was actually pretty cool. No, it wasn't the life changing experience I hope'd it be, but the mass was better than anywhere else I've gone. Besides the whole church, biblical readings, homily, and eucharist thing, it reminded me of the dashboard confessional concerts, where there's a room packed with teens, all singing the lyrics in unison, all connected. I didn't really feel connected though at either the mass or the youth group. I've always had this impression that youth groups were for really nerdy kids who were just brainwashed into brainwashing others, but it wasn't like that tonight. There were actually a lot of people. The only complaint I could have with the experience was what I call thier "cultish" qualities: element of surprise (telling us where to go and what to do but not what's going to happen) and recruitment (I'll just say they strongly urged that I go next week, too). One activity we did was to break up and go into either the community, love, support, or encouragment corners. I went to the community corner where there were only 5 us, and where only two people (including myself) actually had a reason for being there other than they "didn't know where else to go." When they asked me why I was there I think said beause I don't feel like I fit in and I dont feel like my friends understand me. This other kid only said he doesn't have a best friend, but he still seemed..happy? I still feel lonely, but at least I met someone new tonight: "Shay." She's into theater and choir. Before all of this, I went to the mall, but I couldn't bring myself to buy anything but a $4 CD from hot topic. It's actually a great CD.
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jburt1
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2004 15 February :: 4.46am
Another thing...when I was at blockbuster this evening, this girl who walked in caught my attention. She was right behind emily and I, and when we were leaving she was paying her late fee...and for some reason I thought that was andrea. hmm
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jburt1
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2004 15 February :: 4.12am
:: Music: guk "I'm a loner, dottie...a rebel"
Wow, I don't even know where to begin or how to describe today. Let's start with play. Christina called me in to help paint the set. By the time I got her message, got ready, got up to school, came back home to change, and got back up to school, I had just enough time to put in 30 mins of painting...at the most! At least I helped a little bit! When practice finally started, billy and I finished our brig scene. We brought in the rest of the leads and finished act II. Tech day is in two weeks. That's soon, but I think we'll be ready. I also worked with Mr. Schiltz today. We went over "blue bird." I guess I'm doing it pretty well right now, but I can do more with the song. I should probably practice that one. I finally got to try on my costume today, too! It's this pin-stripe suite with a short-sleeved black shirt and the white priest collar, and it fits perfect. Lauren said I looked "hott," which is kind of disturbing considering I was dressed up as PRIEST! Later in the evening emily came over to celebrate valentine's day as friends. We went out to the Kirby Grill in Grand Haven, which was actually really good. I got some italian chicken panini. Mmm. Then we picked up "Session 9," a horror flick from blockbuster. It was actually quite good. Emily and I kinda fell asleep after the movie, so I didn't take her home until 3 am. All in all, it was a good night. I feel a lot like the guy in this song though. Not sure if the night could've/should've turned out differently. I just know that I'm never sure of anything.
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jburt1
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2004 13 February :: 9.42pm
:: Music: average jo "sunny day"
So today wasn't quite a sunny day, but at least we didn't have school and I got to sleep in until 10. I had a great dream where everyone kept interrupting me in Sanocki's class while I was talking so I told the class to "Shut the Fuck up." Hahaa... I should try that in real life. Play practice was at noon and we actually ran through the script (only act II, scene 1). I think tonight I'll sit down and work on memorizing lines. Last night I watched Cabin Fever. Terrible movie, but it has a good ending.
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jburt1
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2004 11 February :: 9.24pm
:: Music: mike park "can you get me out of here?"
Play pratice was completely pointless tonight. After 5 mins of warm ups and prayers, I sat around for 3 hours doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I must admit, I was pissed off tonight. My mom told me that she gave away my dress pants to some guy that goes around the neighborhood shouveling snow. I was okay with that, but then I checked my closet and my best dress shirt was gone too. Before I left for practice I went to look for my coat and found out that she gave that and my skullcap to the guy too! I don't have a problem that she gave my clothes away, but I have problem that she did so without consulting me first. I had other nice stuff that I could've given the guy instead, but now I got to go out and buy all brand new stuff to replace what's gone. That pisses me off. It's gone, so might as well not worry about it now. Something I fear that is going down the drain is my relationships with friends. It seems that it's getting harder and harder to connect with them, to even hold out an intelligible conversation. I'm still looking for someone or something. On a final note, I got a B+ on that calc test, and that doesn't bother me.
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jburt1
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2004 10 February :: 11.39pm
freaky encounters
Skudo85: I was sitting in front of you at mass today, right?
D: yea
Skudo85: did you see my arm just jump up out of nowhere? lol
Skudo85: kinda twitch
D: lol yea i did
D: what was that about lol
Skudo85: I don't know! all of a sudden I just felt this zap in my pinky finger
Skudo85: it was weird
D: wow
D: maybe u got hit by lightning
D: lol
Skudo85: lol
Skudo85: that was wierd...I've never experienced anything like that...but I wasn't sure if anyone noticed or not
D: lol i did
D: u jumped a lot
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jburt1
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2004 10 February :: 4.49pm
Well, either I have full-blown senioritus or I just don't care. We took a test in calculus today, and some of the big problems I had no idea how to do. Maybe if those questions were actually on the review! It was weird because usually I'll stress out about not knowing the answers, but this time I was just like "okay, I don't know the answer to this...oh well." After bombing that test I had to do tutoring for NHS down in the middle school. Stephanie and I helped this one dyslexic 6th grader to understand corresponding angles. At least I knew how to do that. You know, there really are some nice people out there. Yesterday at practice this one girl, pretty much out of nowhere, told me I was doing a good job. It kind of made my day because it was someone I didn't know at all.
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jburt1
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2004 10 February :: 12.34am
:: Mood: pissed off
I feel sick and tired, and it's pissing me off. I'd really like to have a sick day tomorrow except I have a quiz in religion, a group project in history, and a test in calculus. I could use the sleep though. Tonight I was late for practice because I didn't hear my alarm and didn't wake up until 6:05. I think I'm going to go take a cough drop and either a) study for calculus or b) jump off a bridge. Goodnight.
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jburt1
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2004 8 February :: 11.35pm
:: Mood: contemplative
The universe is infinite. Father Bernot said something during his homily that triggered that thought. There are two possibilities: 1) God is infinite or 2) God does not exist. There have been moments where, for some reason or another, I have had reason to believe that God existed. Now, I have forgotten those reasons. But then I think about life. In comparrison to the universe, humans are miniscule...ants are microscopic. If there is life bigger than ants, there must be life bigger than humans. Another thing I thought about was why us? Out of the entire universe, all the galaxies, all the planets, all the possibile life out there...why would God choose to create US as his people? I don't know.
On an unrelated note, some wierd things I've thought about/experienced: What is Will, my best friend from elementary, like today? What would I be like if I never left kzoo? There's a cycle to mocking. I witnessed it at the NHS when someone said something about someone else, and then at play practice when that "someone else" said something about another person. Finally, the other night, just before i feel asleep, I heard a quick, loud sound..kinda like an amplified clap. I think the sound was either in my head, or my hearing become more sensitive at that moment. It was weird because right when it happened I didn't know where I was wrong or what danger I was in. For some reason I thought I was on a plane that was going down.
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jburt1
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2004 8 February :: 12.48am
That was one long day. I got up at 6 am beause I had the ACT at community. That sucked. I think I did better the first time. This was my second time taking it, and the only section I actually had time to finish was the english. Math I had 10 qestions left, reading 1 question, and science the entire last passage. After the test I took emily home and went to play practice, which was almost pointless, but still better than being home doing nothing. (Oh yeah, I saw erin sprague today too.) Before I came home, katie helped me revive my honors essay and now it is great. To end the day, melissa and andre came over and we went to the muskegon film festival. Not too bad. I like watching movies there. I liked the first film. I liked the feature, too, but it moved very slowly, and that reoccurring string music got annoying. Well, I'm out.
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Fatman
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2004 6 February :: 12.03pm
I've been thinking for a long time
About the time we've been apart,
Too long, too often.
I cannot wait until I again can
See your face,
Hear your voice,
And embrace that which I have
For endless lifetimes loved.
I worry...
I worry of what he will do,
Would do if ever it was made known.
I long to again see the face
Of those which should have been mine,
Which could have been mine,
Which still could be mine...
Naught I fear save these,
A lifetime in seclusion
And that which may be taken yet from me,
And what I will do if such disaster should happen...
And but one more,
I fear my heart grows black,
A lifetime unloved and rejected,
An eternity unsung...
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jburt1
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2004 5 February :: 10.23pm
:: Mood: exhausted
All I wanna do right now is go to sleep, but I have to finish the loyola essay tonight if I'm going to get it edited tomorrow and mailed in on monday. I just got back from play practice, which ran half an hour late, and my brain is fried. I realllly don't want t write this essay...but I want to be in the honors program. "boy oh boy." In good news, Philips sent me a new DVD player today (okay, that was strange - just as I was typing that somone on tv said "dvd player." Definitely a tumorish moment.) I hooked it up, popped in the CD and guess what? The sound was terrible. Same reason why I exchanged the original in the first place. So guess what I decided to do? Check the audio settings on the TV. I turned off the bass bost and voila...perfect sound. I feel like an idiot, but at least I got a new player. Yes, I'm fraudulent. Anyways, I've been up since 6 am (needed to study for that religion test), so I need to get working before I fall asleep.
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jburt1
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2004 3 February :: 10.45pm
I'm finally starting that loyola honors program essay. It's coming along but very slowly. So far I have a beginning and an end, lol. And I bet both sound like two completely different essays, considering I wrote the beginning last week. I'm taking a break to look up some quotes from the book, specifically those about soma. There's a lot that I could write about, but for the sake of babbling I'm just focusing on drugs, premarital sex, and break down of the family. Now what to say about those? hmm. Anyways, tonight I want to run through my lines once more. I should also study for French (I have major senioritus in that class...and I used to be a tres bien studnet!) - but I don't think that'll happen. Later.
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jburt1
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2004 3 February :: 12.55am
Well, I didn't die at play practice. I had the majority of my lines memorized up until scene 5...I think then I started using my script. Yeah, a few of us needed that, so we got a little lecture when we got done. Everything's slowly starting to come together though. I need to work on my accent a little more as well as my body language/movements.
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Fatman
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2004 2 February :: 12.29pm
You're better off without him
Don't call him
He's breaking your heart
He's hanging with your best friend
And you're waiting there
It's tearing you apart
He lied to you a thousand times
When I was there, he kept you waiting
And I'm still here
Waiting there
To catch you if you fall
I don't know why I care so much
When I shouldn't care at all
Finally got the nerve to tell you
How much you mean to me
You said that I was your best friend
A real sweet guy
But that's all I'd ever be
As I leave here today, apartment 108
I'll always keep you in my heart.
Anderson is cold tonight,
The leaves are scattered on the ground.
I miss the seasons,
And the comfort of your smile.
Sometimes this all feels like a dream.
I'm waiting for someone to just wake me up,
From this life.
As I look out at these fairgrounds,
I remember how our family split apart.
I don't think I ever told you,
But I know you always did your best.
And the hard times,
They only made us stronger.
As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you,
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.
Do you ever feel like crying?
Do you ever feel like giving up?
I raise my hands up towards the sky,
I say this prayer for you tonight,
Because nothing is impossible.
As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you,
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.
(The hardest part isn't finding who we need to be, it's being content with who you are.)
Stay who you are.
You must go on.
Stay who you are. (x4)
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