I have too many thoughts racing through my head right now to get to sleep. I was just layng their making realization after realization. I watched Down With Love tonight - a completely pointless movie, but one that made me remember what I had lost sight of. This summer I was set on going to college in New York. I wanted to go there because of the possibilities and the "greatness" of the city. (Exactly what effect it could have had on my own possibe "greatness", I'm unsure about.) I still can't help but thinking of Chicago as a second class city, yet I remember one reason I became less persistent about going to NY was because it seemed as if it might be cold (as in unwelcoming) and overwhelming. I think what I've been searching for all this time was something false, a reality that doesn't exist. Perhaps I was trying to go to an impressive school in an impressive city to make up for my lack of character. In fact, I think that's what I've been searching for all this time: character. I don't feel as if I have any, and maybe I thought that going to a big school would make up for that or mask it. When it comes down to it, all I am is a self-centered kid who cares (but doesn't like to admit that he cares) what people think of him rather than being himself. I'm so bad off that I don't think anyone, including myself, really knows who I am. I've been too woried about fitting in (not so much fitting in as not sticking out of the crowd) or offending people that I've become lost. I've created this elaborate facade, and the person who's being fooled most is myself. I have nothing, therefore I am nothing. There's a song that goes "we are the best at what we do." Well, I don't have anything that I "do" let alone that I'm the best at. I used to fool myself that college was going to be my "fresh start," but if I don't start changing things now, it's never going to be that. I don't feel like I'm a good person, and one reason for this is that I don't really give back to the community. I mean really giving back and not just to the little community of our impoverished school, but to people who actually need help. If you take away religion, life is about being a good person (or so I believe). Well, I haven't been a good person. I've passed up many opportunities to make even the smallest difference in someone's life, and now I feel guility for it. Hopefully I can start anew today and no longer pass up those opportunities. Hopefully I can start anew today and now longer worry about not knowing the answers. Hopefully I can start anew today and not be afraid to build some character.

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