:: 2009 23 June :: 5.34 pm

my doctor gave me buspirone. i don't want it or need it.

3 meters | roll it

:: 2009 23 June :: 11.55 am

i want to. i'm here. show me.

3 meters | roll it

:: 2009 21 June :: 12.42 pm

oh baby, i am so excited.

i got a cage today for my two little girl rats and have narrowed down a few names (molly, babette, charley, gaia, blue). i am anxiously awaiting rothbury while i begin painting my commission piece for adam christy. i have two days to paint it, and it will be shipped out as soon as he pays me half.

hopefully more sooner than later I will find out what the doctor says is wrong with me, and hopefully it is small and requires a tiny pill to correct. i think that is the case.

we have had some roommate disputes lately but all seems to be working out.

daniel is an angel. two nights ago he asked me to sleep over, so i went in my pjs and he had made me enchiladas, and we ate a whole big plate just the two of us and fell asleep with kitty on the bed beneath us. he is so good to me.

1 meter | roll it

:: 2009 20 June :: 6.38 pm

some things you'll do for money, and some you'll do for fun, but the things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one

roll it

:: 2009 19 June :: 8.58 pm

take care my foolish heart

9 meters | roll it

:: 2009 17 June :: 7.11 pm

it won't be long, the spiral is beginning and i am terrified. my hands clasped to your shoulders, your arms around my back and our hair whipping in the wind flying up around us.

are you ready, are you sure, because i will if you will. and danny we are.

1 meter | roll it

:: 2009 6 June :: 5.08 am

on a lighter note, i finally confronted Daniel and laid all of my thoughts. it was very very very very good.

8 meters | roll it

:: 2009 5 June :: 11.54 pm

congratulations on your promotion! :)

today, day of days, i had a panic attack. what a sensation. my hands and legs were completely numb and 911 was called. hooray. i am a new and improved hysterical girl.

1 meter | roll it

:: 2009 4 June :: 2.24 pm

i don't know why you are hiding or what from, but it is starting to hurt.

1 meter | roll it

:: 2009 30 May :: 7.10 am

this happy anxious worried incandescent searching place in my brain is nice. i forgot that i had it. and i forgot that i could stay up until 7 AM making artwork, losing those hours to nothing and without protest. i'm not sure what i'm saying but i will try to keep saying it.

when i was talking about dan and how he is part of this whole separate world of culture and music and practice practice transcribe gig practice, i felt so small and omni-faceted, and i realized last night, or two nights ago, or tonight, or all three, that i have a little world of my own too, and it is beautiful and lovely and there is nobody who understands it but me, "i live in a box of paints," and it never once crosses my mind that i am shutting anyone out of this world; merely that i live there alone. and that is the way that dan must feel. and that is okay. that is wonderful. we will never be bored with one another, and we will understand the other's need to retreat sometimes.

i have something someone and another something, and lots of friends! i have a massive pile of worries and i'm sleeping less than ever but gosh gosh gosh am i happy.

and you who told me that this would never last is so wrong. i'm sorry you were unhappy then, but i was introducing me to myself because for so long, for two years, i was you.

stop worrying about everything. no matter who you decide to be.

4 meters | roll it

:: 2009 26 May :: 4.42 pm

i got caught.

1 meter | roll it

:: 2009 23 May :: 3.50 pm

okay with the dreams lately.

i am at some sort of hospital and very pregnant, watching a woman give birth. she is on a large bed with a slope at the end. she has three children and each slide down the slope, are chased by the nurse, and are returned to her. i catch the third child as it slides down the slope and start to peel away the embryonic sac. the baby pushes with its feat and i yell up to the woman who i now know is stephanie artino, "it is so strong, it's pushing my hand so hard!" everyone is so happy. all three infants have their own placenta, but the other two are very small and seem incomplete. I am unsure as to whether they are alive or not.

it is at this point that i notice the size of my own belly. i am resting my hands on it. i realize that it is my turn to sit on that bed and go into labor.

roll it

:: 2009 22 May :: 3.46 pm

in all seriousness, why is it such an admirable quality to be so withdrawn that human contact is enjoyable at best? yes, i have strength and drive and a willingness to not only live but to LIVE, but why should i rely only on myself?

roll it

:: 2009 22 May :: 5.03 am

what if i don't want to deal with everything on my own.

roll it

:: 2009 22 May :: 2.49 am

i am a small chunk of your very large and getting larger all the time past. i am of little importance but am very amusing. please open your eyes.

roll it

:: 2009 19 May :: 2.13 pm

I had a dream that Michael and I were sentenced to die. We were brought to a large room and Michael was sentenced first and killed. I was naked and wearing a towel around myself, alone on the top floor, looking down and sobbing into the center of the room. I could see Joe below me in a school desk, banging it with his fist although no sound came out and crying.

The room was given a recess until I had to go, and although it was my turn next to die and I was standing in a towel pushing through people, nobody looked at me or said a word. I found Daniel and he was asleep with a book in his lap. Joe ran to him and woke him and hugged him and Daniel asked, "Is it over? I finished Survivor!" He held up the book that had been in his lap. "You have to read it next, it's so good!" As though he had forgotten entirely that it was my turn to die.

2 meters | roll it

:: 2009 16 May :: 12.06 pm

i have now officially been up for 28 hours. i'm tired, goodnight.

6 meters | roll it

:: 2009 16 May :: 11.54 am

keturah asked me about him, and untinking i replied, "he's my boyfriend," so i guess he is.

9 meters | roll it

:: 2009 15 May :: 1.43 pm

bangs again. i'm eating absurd amounts of rice krispies, i love the summer and my roommates. my job is tolerable and i know a few people who don't mind when i hang around.

19 meters | roll it

:: 2009 14 May :: 4.51 pm

i have been camping for two days and two nights at hanna park. i smell like something awful and there is sand in every part of my body. it was cold, rainy, then hot, sunny, but there were innumerable amounts of food and drink to be had. i was worried about going alone with daniel, about filling the spaces, but i should not have been. i have yet to have such a wonderful time just sitting and talking and being covered in grime.

roll it