ups, downs, love, and all the other bull shit
I haven't written anything in a long while, not in any journal, or blog or anywhere. Sometimes there's really just nothing to say. For the past few weeks, maybe even months, I've been pretty down. Things just haven't been going my way lately it seems. My job is fine, except a few recent changes...but I understand why they had to do it, so it'll be okay.

I found a second job within a week...back to work at Grand Ridge Farms. Which I'm totally pumped up about. I was in the best mood I've been in for quite a while after findint out how happy Teri was to get me back working there. Only thing is I'm not sure how well my body is going to be able to handle working 7 days a week. Hopefully it'll be alright. If I'm doing something I enjoy, I should stay healthy I think.

I'm not really healthy right now. I've got the Ebstien Barr Virus. That's the thing that Mono is made up of. Most people build an immunity to it after having it once. But my body can't build the immunity. I can get flare ups at any time, and they can last about 6 weeks. Now think, if I get 3 or 4 flare ups in one year, that's about half my year shot to hell. Explains a lot about this past year and why I've felt so shitty. Also found out I have a very high likelihood of getting lupus. oohhhh great. more shit to deal with. I'll try a lot harder to take care of myself, eat right, sleep enough, not do too much, and excersice a little (which is what I'm thinking my second job is going to take care of). This whole dealy causes my spleen to enlarge, which causes me some discomfort occasionally, but nothing too serious. I can still ride even when it's enlarged, no contact sports though...and I have to be careful not to bump into things, as I could rupture my spleen. Sometimes I like to make things seem more dramatic then they really are....even though this is not a big deal...it couuuuld happen!

Sam and I are going to Kansas in less than 2 weeks. I'm pretty excited. It will just be he and I for 3 whole days. Lots of time in the car, which kinda sucks, but that's okay. I think we'll have fun anyway. I'm usually incredibly happy with any time spent with him. I've only been with him since August (we just figured this out yesterday, cause neither of us really care how long we've been together). It's pretty cool really...things that mattered with other people, they don't matter for us. It doesn't matter who you've dated, where you've been, what you've done...we are who we are...and we love eachother that way no matter what's made us this way. Does that make sense? Probably not if you don't have the same kind of relationship, but if you do...it makes sense and it makes you smile, becuase you think about that person your with, and somehow they take away all the cares in the world.

I'm not really feeling too well today. I woke up about 3 am, feeling like could puke...and couldn't fall back to sleep for shit. Finally got to sleep closer to 4 am...woke up about 4:30 am and puked my guts out for a few minutes. I'm not sure what caused it...it could be pills, or it could be the flu, I know my friend from work has the flu, and the rest of her family has it. yuck. oh well...if I get it, I get it. Not much I can do!

I hate the holidays, just so everyone (well, Lindsey is teh only one who reads this I'm sure) knows....I just hate em.

falling is easy
I'm off of work all this week as to rid myself of mono for the 3rd, possibly 4th time. My doctor, unlike me, is not convinced that there has to be an underlying cause to my getting mono so many times. A normal human body will build up an immunity to the Ebstien Barr Virus the FIRST time they get it...and so...they never get it ever ever again, not in the time of their entire existense...then, there is me...I cannot get rid of the damn virus which to me says, there must be something going on with my body that it can't fight off this virus. Right? Yeah, I Think so.

As far as other things go. I'm super happy with the way things are right now. Things with Sam are just peachy, I really like him a lot. Of course, he is male...so I have NO idea what he thinks of me...but I think he likes me. Just judging from a few things...but who knows.

A guy who I had some interest in before this whole Sam thing has been trying to get a hold of me...and is all pissy becuase I haven't been around to take his calls. Yeah, sorry buddy...you missed your chance with me...now I have a way better looking guy who's got tons in common with me. Hm, your loss...obviously was my gain!

I've been kind of lacking on my friends lately though...Mary Lou has wanted me to come out a few times with her in the past few weeks, and I just haven't really felt up to it. I Feel bad, but at the same time, I shouldn't be staying out late exerting myself (going out dancing)...
As far as you go my dear...your busier than ever...so I don't worry too much about where things are with you...I know that if you need me you will come find me, and I will be there for ya when you do. :)

Alas, I should go get cleaned up. I'm feeling like hot chocolate...and Tow's is only a little ways away. :)

This was the first morning in quite a while, where I actually woke up in a pretty good mood. All thanks to a certain guy that I spent some time with yesterday evening. I took him out to Sparta for the best take out Chinese food ever...and headed back home to sit down and eat...then chill and watch some boob tube, which is something niether of us do very often, apprently I have seen a few more shows than him, as he's never heard of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. A true shame really, it's an excellent show. :) Still not much of an attempt on his part to approach me...hasn't held my hand and I'm not sure he's really thought about trying to kiss me...at first when he left yesterday I kind of went... 'eh? why not?..I mean...come oooooon already!' ... but after that slightly annoyed thought finished going through my head...I got a huge stupid shit face grinn. It's a little refreshing to have a guy who's not trying to get into your pants from the start...feels like he'll never get to that point, which I'm sure is not true.

I might see if he wants to go on a road trip tomorrow with me...a short road trip...to Berrien Springs... I don't really want to go that far by myself, but if I must....then so be it.

there might be something there...I get that same goofy feeling that I used to get with a certain someone.... but it could just be the simple excitement of a new guy around. who knows!

fuck this ... fuck that...fuckidy fuck fuck fuck
Funny how that word makes you feel just a little bit better.

I don't even have anything to say. I don't know why I'm in this shitty mood, and I don't know what could bring me out of it. I don't know how I went from being 'everythings good' to being 'everything fucking sucks' I have plenty to be happy about, but something is outwaying those things right now...and I don't know what. Hey look, I just pissed myself off even more by saying "I DON'T KNOW" way to much. I guess I have knowledge of NOTHING...........I don't feel good enough for anyone, or anything right now. I try not to complain...I try to be that person that everyone else can run to, and I like being that person, I wouldn't change that. I don't run to anyone else. Why can't I help myself like I do others? Maybe I should sit and have a conversation with myself and really analyze things. Yeah, craaaaaaaazy. Maybe it would work.

FUCK!

Exciting and Confusing
Funny how a simple phone call can both excite you and put you in the biggest state of confusion.

I am really excited and giddy about it, but at the same time...I don't want to mess anything else up that I have going right now. I guess I have to go with the idea that I'm not committed to anything.

Things have been going pretty good for me lately, so maybe this will follow suit.

Too much...
There is too much time spent doing nothing...wasted.

Signing up for school is my latest consideration, I need to just do it. But I need help from the one person who I can trust not to treat me like I'm an idiot for not going right out of high school (even though I already know I am...I just don't need anyone else to tell me that).

Windows are what keep me sane...no matter where I am, at least I can look out and see the things I dream of (even if they are already mine)