godessalthena
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2018 24 June :: 8.45am
when everything inside looks like everything you hate
there is no hope for change
there are no chances to take
I'm on fire burning at the absurdity
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godessalthena
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2018 22 June :: 7.05pm
stupid piece of shit white skin.
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godessalthena
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2018 22 June :: 9.51am
on vacation trying to have a good time
feeling like a piece of shit failure
I hate being alive
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spud
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2018 18 June :: 8.15am
link to article
It took some digging through sensationalist headlines to get straight to the source, but I'm glad I did. This is a very well-written account, explicit in its intent, which is not malicious. Some parts of this hit closer to home for me than others, but all of it is far too common a story. We could all stand to be better to each other, and to ourselves. How often we are held captive by our fears.
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goodbye
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2018 17 June :: 1.01pm
I have to stop expending my energy on people who don't deserve it.
It's been two years since that interaction occurred. I just learned about it and not from you. It was pure coincidence that I learned about it. You have never told me about it. You expressly hid it because you knew how I would "react." I've put so much into you. I've loved you like a sister. But you're damaged as fuck, looking for sexual attention from anyone you can and it ends up being a betrayal of everything we've had... everything we've shared. And never telling me about it? And me helping you so much directly after that? Years after that? Because I never knew about it. Because I thought you were a real friend. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucked up life and your fucked up family. I don't care anymore. Don't expect a fucking explanation. Piss off.
And you? Everything you have ever said to me was an insult. No one likes you for good damn reasons. You fuck everyone you've ever known. I've tried so hard to be understanding of your situation. I've tried so hard to be there for her and for you and also to be there for you emotionally, as a crutch but you never take responsibility for any of your bullshit. You just continue to fuck up and I deal with it. You never take responsibility for the problems you cause - the things you say or do - and it's not my damn job to forgive all of the mistakes you keep making. I'm your enabler. No fucking more.
Why do I keep becoming attached to little puppy dogs who need my help? Why do I feel like I can save them or change them to help them help themselves? Why do people who I put so much into continue to let me down and abuse my love? Why do people I love keep on taking advantage of me?
I'm not fucking with this anymore. I have enough good friends to not need bad ones.
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godessalthena
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2018 14 June :: 6.55pm
I want to offer my condolences to anyone who doesn't have a sister or isn't on close terms with their sisters...
because I absolutely love my sister and I would be so lost without her. it's a special connection between sisters, especially when you grow up close in age.
we might not talk every day or see each other all the time, but she always has my back and I always have hers. she helps me see insights into myself I wouldn't have otherwise, and always comforts me even when there isn't anything else to be done.
I just hope she knows that she is the most precious gem I know
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godessalthena
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2018 12 June :: 10.51pm
you know you are pathetic when.....
you can't sleep because you are busy thinking about the shitty escalated call out you have to make because another senior representative couldn't do their fucking job.
why is she not held to the same standards as the newer seniors? why are none of them?
WHY DO THEY GET PAID MORE FOR FUCKING UP EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH!?!!
I need a fucking vacation... starting in T minus 3 days and counting down...
1 brave word |
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godessalthena
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2018 12 June :: 4.02pm
there isn't anything more than empty conversations filled with empty words.
I keep waiting for someone to save me. I know I have to save myself. I'm too weak. I'm too worthless.im too meek.
all these suicides in the news, and all I can do is longingly dream of the day that I might find peace.
my childhood and adult traumas have led me down this road where I constantly try so hard to have people love me and remain loyal to me. as a kid people told me I was creepy for trying too hard. all I wanted was a friend, to not feel alone,to maybe have the abuse stopped or at least have a sympathetic ear. now as an adult once I do find a friend I try too hard. I let my friends and lovers take advantage of my kindness, my generosity, my time, and I rarely get anything in return, I rarely ask anything in return.
I don't ask, because my needs aren't as important as everyone else's. if I try to cry in front of someone to maybe get a little sympathy, maybe not feel so isolated, I just get pushed even further away by harsh words of judgment. or they run away, afraid of someone else's feelings.
as a child I was cast away to the isle of solitude. there was no devil there waiting for me, a monster I could befriend. instead it was just an empty rock poking out of the bottom of the ocean, and here I still reside, waiting for the day I no longer count another day.
2 brave words |
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godessalthena
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2018 11 June :: 9.40am
let me paint in ultraemotion
let me set this thing to hyperfeeling
sentimentality is running high and we have a nostalgia super bonus saved up
just know that you did touch my heart deeply, I think about you constantly and I hope whatever pain is in your heart finds a little peace somewhere in this endless blue sky.
2 brave words |
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godessalthena
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2018 8 June :: 2.31pm
cicadas chripping in the heart of the day
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godessalthena
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2018 8 June :: 9.50am
Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky.
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goodbye
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2018 4 June :: 4.46pm
After I take care of the few commitments I made this week, I'm going to take a social break for a while. My last two weeks have been a little crazy. I am overwhelmed with love, confusion, irritation, and then whatever "idgaf" would be as a feeling - pertaining to plenty of individuals. Many highs with some lows, but overall, bona fide positivity is rushing through my soul. Good feels all around.
And now, for sleep. All the sleep. u.u zzz
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catatonicsean
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2018 4 June :: 12.31pm
Another thing - this journal is now more than 15 years old.
Think about all the asinine shit I've posted and deleted over the years, and live by the example I've set and subsequently covered up - don't do drugs, stay in school if you're pursuing something worth your time, don't start fights, and on occasion, suffer an idiot.
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catatonicsean
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2018 4 June :: 12.16pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Cro-mags - Hard Times
Well, I certainly fucked up.
Not exactly doing stellar in tech school, haven't had steady work since the old office booted me (one full year, come the end of the month), and I've been making terrible life decisions and rectifying them in succession since I quit using this old journal. But all in all, it could be worse. Loads of my old friends are in a similar spot, crippled by depression and nagging substance abuse issues (not me, though, who'd have thunk it?), so we're all playing our separate dirges for ourselves as the ship goes down.
However, as of late I've taken a more positive attitude towards the future (fuck off, don't say anything), and with a heaping pile of luck, this will be the conclusion of a decades-long tempering that will end on a cheerful note.
Mahalo.
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goodbye
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2018 30 May :: 6.30pm
My choices have been very stupid. I have no idea what to do with my life now.
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