catatonicsean
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2018 4 June :: 12.31pm
Another thing - this journal is now more than 15 years old.
Think about all the asinine shit I've posted and deleted over the years, and live by the example I've set and subsequently covered up - don't do drugs, stay in school if you're pursuing something worth your time, don't start fights, and on occasion, suffer an idiot.
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catatonicsean
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2018 4 June :: 12.16pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Cro-mags - Hard Times
Well, I certainly fucked up.
Not exactly doing stellar in tech school, haven't had steady work since the old office booted me (one full year, come the end of the month), and I've been making terrible life decisions and rectifying them in succession since I quit using this old journal. But all in all, it could be worse. Loads of my old friends are in a similar spot, crippled by depression and nagging substance abuse issues (not me, though, who'd have thunk it?), so we're all playing our separate dirges for ourselves as the ship goes down.
However, as of late I've taken a more positive attitude towards the future (fuck off, don't say anything), and with a heaping pile of luck, this will be the conclusion of a decades-long tempering that will end on a cheerful note.
Mahalo.
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goodbye
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2018 30 May :: 6.30pm
My choices have been very stupid. I have no idea what to do with my life now.
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catatonicsean
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2018 20 May :: 2.43am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Chelsea Wolfe - Spun
In brief:
I'm in school for HVAC.
I run a smutty art page on Facebook that is slowly gaining in popularity, and gathering a set of new and quirky internet friends from the four corners of the Earth.
I've doubled my dosage of Prozac, and was considering supplementing it with Buspar, but I've since discovered that skullcap (herb) does the same thing, and costs pennies on the dollar.
And, strangely enough, I've integrated my alter ego into my immediate reality, and it has been a boon to my confidence and has had a positive impact on my interactions with strangers. That chap is far more charming than I ever was.
Oh, and I've entered my thirties.
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goodbye
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2018 19 May :: 10.43pm
It's a get-fucked-up kinda night.
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godessalthena
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2018 15 May :: 9.41am
it's a placebo kinda day
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godessalthena
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2018 11 May :: 9.26am
every night I go to sleep optimistic that I will not wake up
every day I awaken to the same nightmare
the sets and faces change, but the feelings always remain.
worthless. lonely. isolated. absurd. pointless. grey. empty. devastated. crushed.
I'm just so tired, but sleep doesn't seem to rest my soul. do I even have a soul?
all I feel is blood and bone. no heart. no soul.
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godessalthena
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2018 11 May :: 7.53am
I wish I had someone to talk to
4 brave words |
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godessalthena
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2018 10 May :: 9.47am
wake up
wake up
WAKE UP
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catatonicsean
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2018 9 May :: 8.32pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Swans - A Screw
Hello, again.
Been a while, hasn't it?
6 brave words |
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godessalthena
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2018 3 May :: 4.06pm
honestly, I'm never completely honest.
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godessalthena
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2018 27 April :: 7.09am
heading to Seattle this weekend to visit my best Frome I am so excited! last time I saw her we went to her best friends memorial at the state park it was very sad... this will be more fun!
we are going to explore whidby island! I've always wanted to go but never was able to. we are going with some mutual friends and their adorable twin daughters. I made some macarons which I need to ship off today, but the extras I'm bringing with (not that we need more sugar she went crazy getting me candyyyyyy)
my sweetie got a 2018 wrx, I have driven it once and I'm really jealous but..... I love my 35 mpg way more than his however many horses haha
maybe I'm too much if a grandma but being a passenger is scary. especially in the back seat.
1 brave word |
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godessalthena
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2018 23 April :: 11.46pm
all I really need right this moment is an encouraging word or a friendly face.
I just want someone to see me.
I feel so utterly and totally invisible.
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godessalthena
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2018 14 April :: 9.00am
this birthday has been shit.
I want this to be my last birthday.
there isn't anything in the world worth this much pain.
1 brave word |
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godessalthena
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2018 6 April :: 11.58am
Easter dinner was delicious I will post photos soon...
So glad it's Friday, I wish the weekend would last forever... I need a permanent vacation
4 brave words |
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