Found the journal entry my first boyfriend posted after we broke up... Daggers in my heart but I'm determined not to make the same mistakes I did so long ago. That was 12 years ago, but it still is deep in my heart.
I say often that I am atoning for past sins in my current days, the scars on my heart from all the people I've wronged or hurt still throb in my mind.
I know I can't make up for everything and I know holding onto these things are detrimental to me. How do you let go, how do you leave the past in the past?
I can feel all the pain in the world, and it mixes with my own. The paints blur together into a grey and dismal portrait and we all know once mixed they can't be separated. Will these paints ever dry and allow me to paint over with something beautiful?
::
2018 6 February :: 1.09pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: bleachers - dont take the money
When you're looking for your shadow
Standing on the edge of yourself
Praying on the darkness
Just don't take the money
Dreaming of an easy
Waking up without weight now
And you're looking at the heartless
Just don't take the money
You steal the air out of my lungs, you make me feel it
I pray for everything we lost, buy back the secrets
Your hand forever's all I want
Don't take the money
Had a great weekend on the west side. I miss my coworkers. It was nice hanging out with some of them at the baby shower. I really miss M most of all, honestly. Every time I talk to M I feel reassured that I was good at my job. If only they didn't leave and could have been in my corner... maybe I wouldn't have left.
I loved driving that little hatchback rental car. It was so fun and fast and responsive to my touch. I love my car, don't get me wrong... I just would love for it to pickup a little faster.
I'm kinda hoping she's kinda underwhelmed with the stuff and then when she comes back she's hella surprised!!
But I didn't want ta make her too sad that we "forgot" her birthday so I'm bringing french macarons and we got her a beautiful card and some flowers... Then on Wednesday she'll have 12 rainbow balloons 2 unicorn balloons and a desk covered in streamers and confetti!
I don't usually go too far out, but we always kinda forget her birthday when she always goes all out for our birthdays... I love her so much, and her family doesn't appreciate her like they should! So I want her to feel appreciated at least once this year!!