godessalthena
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2017 7 February :: 7.34am
going dairy free for 3 weeks taught me my body hates dairy
day 2 of gluten free and it feels like i've been eating nothing but milk and cheese
fml
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goodbye
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2017 5 February :: 10.52pm
I need to change my life.
I am a puppet following a script others have written for my one-man show. The social and societal obligations are overwhelming me and I feel like I'm on the edge.
As I am is not enough for anyone.
I can't be who everyone wants me to be.
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goodbye
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2017 3 February :: 9.13pm
OMG I fucking LOVE Lu so much! She is everything. I am especially stoked for her finishing all my sentences and getting my movie quotes XD
Friends are such treasures <3
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godessalthena
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2017 2 February :: 8.16pm
im mad
but i got some really cute clothes today
im most excited for the hello kitty dress with strawberries and a lace peter pan collar. it is so cute i could die
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godessalthena
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2017 1 February :: 10.06pm
how do you decide when you're ready for kids?
now that it might actually be obtainable, i am getting very cold feet.
my track record is full of bad decisions... is this pontientally one more?
am i parent material?
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godessalthena
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2017 30 January :: 2.57pm
i watched a documentary on netflix yesterday called HOLY HELL and i have to admit it struck a strong resonance with me.
there's one part where they are talking to one of the Buddhafield members and she was crying and just repeating "we trusted you".
and deep inside me i felt this overwhelming sympathy. i know exactly how that feels. when you entrust your whole being to another human. you give them all your love, faith, patience, service, time and energy. and in return they abuse this gift, and they warp it to satisfy their narcissistic megalomania. and you are left feeling empty, hollow and so utterly betrayed.
and the road to recovery is a long one. we all want to be loved and accepted and included so badly, that we allow others to treat us like refuse. we let them take from us to help them feel full, while depleting ourselves. while they full well know there is a hole in their heart and they will never be full.
but they just keep taking until someone finally wakes up.
and it hurts.
but we are not alone in our pain.
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goodbye
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2017 30 January :: 2.16pm
Fuck Donald Trump.
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godessalthena
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2017 27 January :: 6.43am
coheed & cambria for my birthday??? yes please!
4 brave words |
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goodbye
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2017 26 January :: 9.15pm
Life is overwhelming.
My family is the basis for my understanding in love. Not God or religion. Not any school education. Not any damned Disney movie. I love my family and know true, unconditional love because they taught me what it was by loving me. I would do anything for them and vice versa.
This is my support. This is my comfort. This is everything I have ever searched for. I just wish it were easier to have closer. If my brother ever chose to move back to Spokane, I would go there in a minute. I'm contemplating going back to be closer to my parents anyways. Sometimes I feel like the glue.
I don't know what I was doing for my adolescent years... I wish I spent all my time with my family. And Anna and Lizzie of course because they're honorary family. I just wish I could go back, knowing to charish every day as they came. Running to the General Store beyond my Grammie's house for sweets with my brother. Family trips to forests and lakes. Max and Nancy's cabin and The Beatles and our walks and hummingbirds on the porch. Christmas mornings when my parents would surprise us with so many toys our heads would spin. And so much more. Especially the group hugs...
Every waking moment of my life has been made better by my family and I would never trade them for anything. I make sure they know it every damn day, too. My beautiful family.
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godessalthena
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2017 25 January :: 9.22pm
adrift and not so at peace
i don't know what i want.
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godessalthena
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2017 25 January :: 6.32am
im sad for the world and america.
like being around a train wreck and being forced to watch.
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goodbye
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2017 21 January :: 7.18pm
I always think of all these whitty retorts that are super shitty to say to people. But then I'm too much of a weenie to say anything. I wish I was more of a bitch sometimes. I wish I had nads like Kayla. She's such a boss.
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godessalthena
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2017 18 January :: 10.53pm
why does it feel like i give and people take and that's it
i feel like my cup is empty
but nothing i do to fill it seems to work
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goodbye
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2017 18 January :: 9.27pm
Kayla won't let me be hopeless. I'll open up to her and she'll come up with a ton of new ways to approach things. She's amazing. How have I ever lived without her?
I feel like I need to do something special for my dear friends. I have developed such deep reltionships with so many people over the years. Some of the relationships I worked so hard to cultivate over the course of my lifetime have simply gone "poof"...and that accentuates how meaningful and close my other friendships are. My 12 dear friends - about half of whom I regularly speak with due to distance mostly.... I have to think of something I can make for them. I wish they were all as sentimental as I am. I wish I could express their importance to me by doing one thing or giving one thing.i have to do it now or it may be too late.
Julius gave me a very thoughtful gift for Christmas. He gave me a picture of his daughter. She is such a sweet little thing. I would just hold onto her forever if I could. And I will!
So the process begins - the process by which I give the most thoughtful gift of all. I will Leslie Knope the shit out of this.
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godessalthena
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2017 16 January :: 6.22pm
the KI project im doing at work has me feeling invigorated. it is extremely validating and i feel extremely excited at the prospect of the monetary rewards for saving the company some money in the long term. but most importantly i'm lookin forward to improving the quality of work life. if people were less frustrated with the process i believe they will start working with a higher quality.
or at least my life will be less painful because it will be harder to mess things up because there won't be 2,098,394 places in the transaction to mess it up.
unfortunately, i also have jury duty starting tomorrow. i do not want to get picked. 2 weeks ago i would have loved to have been selected and go thru the whole process, but now i find it much more valueable to be at work and working towards this 30 day deadline.
it helps that the klapper guy is so encouraging. i feel safe to try and be stupid and mess things up, because a boss figure said it was okay. and he's not one of us. which makes me feel like i can trust him.
i have never been happier at work than i am right now. i feel that my skills are finally being valued appropriately and this is my opportunity to finally shine. my year review was better than last years, and i am optimistic this year will be even better. while my life is virtually reduced to a set of numbers, with this new opportunity i almost feel like more than a number.
i fucking love being more than a number.
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