Unknown Alice.

:: 2017 12 January :: 11.00pm

why is coheed & cambria so fucking cool?

and god damn i would love a bite of claudio'a hair mmmm hmmmm

:: 2017 11 January :: 8.28pm

sooooooooo not looking forward to tomorrow.

meeting a new doctor who will hopefully help with fmla. i fucking hate doctors. they make me feel so many deep dark emotions

my year performance review happens too. that's going to be completely wretched.

adulting fucking sucks.

:: 2017 8 January :: 7.31am

sometimes i think i'd love to live in seattle again. i'd be able to go to the zoo or the science center whenever i want. i could maybe make some friends and explore the city.

and then i think about the earthquakes and the traffic and i talk myself out of it. spokane isn't so bad is it. or is it.

i just don't know how to decide what to do with my future. for how valueable i am, my current employer undervalues me. is it worth trying to find something better.

or are my job stoppers really going to stop me from getting a job.

:: 2017 4 January :: 11.14pm

and it really feels suffocating room filling with water barely hanging on

:: 2017 4 January :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: 2.19

Sometimes I just forget certain people exist entirely.

...Othertimes, they're always on my mind. I've been thinking about you alot lately. I'll be working or driving or hanging out with someone and little moments we shared pop into my head. I think about your eyes and your hair and your finger nails... I think abiut your voice and your face and where we'd be now. I would love nothing more than to have you in my life. I made a mistake. One I can't take back. One I will never forgive myself for. And until the day I keel over and die or maybe until you become forgotten like the others, I will continue to weep each time you pop up in my head. Although the tears are internal now they are a tsunami of regret and they wreck me. Completely. But it's no more than I deserve. My love for you will live forever, eternal... Until the mountains crumble. Until they turn to dust. Until the oceans freeze and the stars fall from the sky. Until the sun expands and swallows the reminence of this Earthen shell. Until the Universe degrades and everything is no more... not even then will I stop loving you.

:: 2017 1 January :: 1.30am

happy 4th of july everyone

$87 cab ride home from idaho
danced, drank & smiled
kisses at midnight
NYE successful

2017... ready! set!

:: 2016 29 December :: 2.33pm
:: Mood: high

fuck it dog life's a risk
https://youtu.be/kF4KkXLxW0Q

sittin in my whip smoking by myself while it's 30 degrees out

can't let him see me cry
i am just so FUCKED and i need some help

but you can't ask you just can't fucking ask it's too scary
i can't be seen as vulnerable
i can't be weak
i can't stand still

oh my god it's like boo fucking hoo it's just all about you. and, man, you're so sensitive

:: 2016 29 December :: 9.46am

our year end performance review is drawing nigh and i know mine is going to be dismal. even though i work hard when im at work and am meeting my numbers, since i've had 14 unplanned absencense this year i know it's going to destroy any good that i've got going on.

and the stupidest part is if my doctor would have just filled out my fmla paperwork it wouldn't be an issue. but no, she's a shitty doctor and im being punished for it.

i just want the review to be done so i can get over it, rather than it hanging over my head like the specter of defeat.

im tired of working my ass off and still being told i'm no good.

i want winter to be over.

:: 2016 27 December :: 9.30am

I hate being drunk. I only ever make a fool of myself. Me + booze = regrets.

I need to grow the fuck up.

:: 2016 27 December :: 7.59am

fever cough stuffy death

out of time off at work

have to be here with a fever

because my fracking doctor wouldn't fill out my fmla paperwork

not until we "tried everything" even though nothing helped and i was still missing work

i fucking HATE doctors

i don't give them any more respect than i do a criminal

because that's what they are

2 brave words | leave a comment

:: 2016 24 December :: 10.33pm

...just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne...Rambo... Marshal Dillion?

:: 2016 24 December :: 1.40pm

Got to see Celeste and met Chris yesterday. Julez came over with Miranda today. Boxing Day, I get Anna time. I am so happy. I love my family and friends. We keep going for walks in the snow as a family. Little Rosey hops like a bunny and gets snowballs stuck in her fur. We're all so tired but it feels like a good kind of tired. It doesn't feel stagnant here anymore... it feels precious...

4 brave words | leave a comment

:: 2016 21 December :: 10.36pm

i don't know if i have had someone feel this strongly about me since jeremiah. mexicans are very passionate people. sometimes i feel like i'm too cynical to fully enjoy how wonderful love can really be. i'm not afraid to get hurt, i think it's more my ability to feel deeply has been somewhat diminished.

i've missed my passion for a long time. i've always wanted to find it again. i used to think that maybe having kids would fill that, but now that having kids is more of a real possibility than ever before, i feel myself getting cold feet. the whole idea terrifies me. it changes things in a very real way and once you have them you can't unhave them. is that really what i want? what do i even want. i haven't really given it much thought. i mean definitely a house, a car, a career, but never more than that. and now i find myself even questioning if these are things i want or just what i feel i should want.

but now i'm almost out of my 20's and things are speeding up. my life is 100% controlled by my work schedule. would having kids be a welcome change of pace? i already just stay at home all the time anyway. what would it really make worse? what would it really make better?

bjorne is snoring. he's so adorable. i love him so much, even if he's a wretched pizza junkie. fatty mcfatteraon. takes after his ma. hahaha

but seriously my look was on point today. i am in love with my urban decay naked basics 2 palette. the matte neutrals just make such a soft and elegant look. understated glamour. i've been wearing this really cool lipstick from portland black lipstick company that i didn't really like at first, but with this palette i feel like i really get this sweet look going. kinda edgy at work but not too in your face. i've really toned down my whole look. i'm not sure how i feel about it. is it because i'm getting older and feel compelled to "act my age" or is it because my tastes are changing.

hard to tell anymore. fuck it. i don't even fuckin care.

:: 2016 18 December :: 11.36am

is it too much to ask that once

just once

a big purchase of mine wouldn't turn out to be a lemon.

i just want something to work as advertised.

just once