self esteem is a fickle thing. one day you're on top of the world, and the next some careless tactless asshole destroys it. of course, self esteem should come primarily from within, but words hurt, and once said can't be unsaid.
over the past few several years i have had a chain of "relationships", all of which centered around sex and control. i have often felt frustrated that men would find me good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be seen in public with me. its something i never understood until recently.
and i suppose i've known it my whole life, since my whole life i've struggled with this spare tire around my waist. but i had also been under the illusion that people cared about more than our corporeal form, and could see how much i have to offer outside that. ultimately, shallowness prevails and my weight is much more of an issue than it really should be.
thus ensues the struggle that seems to define my life - lose weight and attempt to achieve our society's standard of beauty (and in that action, creating a sense of "selling out") or remain at the weight i am and feel as though i'm taking a stand against "body currency".
i realize, even though i despise body currency, i cannot help but buy into it. it's immersive, inescapable and a permanent piece of the culture in which i have been born. into which countless of women are born. and no matter how hot a woman is, how desirable she is, she still suffers harsh criticism and a constant barrage of "you'll never be good enough". Our economy runs on the constant need to be "better".
the worst part is i feel completely powerless to affect it. i am small. i am merely an insignificant speck laying on a mote of dust in an endless expanse, and yet, i'm still much too big to exist. i take up twice as much room as i should. and my mind? well, that's completely disposable.
what makes us who we are? "i am large, i contain multitudes." we all contain a universe within ourselves.. and we are free to be who ever we want to be.. or so we are told.
but are there still some things about us we cannot change? who we are is defined by the actions we execute, so the actions we choose to carry out define us, but what of desire? what about those desires we don't act on? what do these secret desires say about ourselves?
what is it that i truly desire? i have arrived at a crossroads. i feel my time running out. i seek out as many perspectives i can on the topic of my impending future, and the choices i must determine. the world we live in is so restrictive and complex. i feel lost, carried away in the endless stream of existence.
i hold out on a hope that "the one" will fall into my lap, and I will know when i meet them that this is my destiny. or at least have a slight incline that this person holds promise. but the longer i wait, the more i feel my chances slipping away.
should i just continue to wait? maybe adopt a child when i get older if nothing pans out?
do i even want a family? i think that answer is yes. so do i try out something that may not be my ideal mate, but who would be a great father, or do i hold onto the hope someone who fits my desires better will come along?
i just don't know. i don't know who i can talk to, or the right questions to ask..
sitting next to all these slender sexy men, I can't help but fantasize nibbling on their ears. imagining how big their dicks are. imagining their bodies under their nicely pressed shirts.
and while you never see it as a career opportunity, if you get too close, you'll get sucked in, finger printed in 45 states and then it's 15 years later and you wonder what the fuck happened.
yesterday Zoe and I biught dude outfits and colonge and went to the parade, and people were ridiculously unfriendly. at the bars everyone tried to pick arguments with us.
People make choices that are better for them in the end, they care little of the effect it has on someone else. I have and so have others. And I'm not going to stop living because someone has decided to not keep me in their life. If they really cared about me, they would have stuck around. Goodbye past, hello true present, I'm not quite ready for you, but you've been thrust upon me. How could I not have remembered the whole reason why I made this journal in the first place?
"Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."