<center>Grace Redefined

Grace Redefined

:: 2004 31 January :: 11.06am
:: Mood: Really fucking pissed off.
:: Music: The great below, Nine inch nails.

Oh, I'm sorry, do I sound BITCHY!!!???
hm...I wonder if just maybe there's a damn good reason for that.
1. I will read most things you write.
2. As arrogant as it sounds, I know pain and fear and what it's like to be "trapped" just a tincy bit better than MOST, not all, but MOST of you.
3. Yes, it's called intuition and a BRAIN. they make this lovely little combination that allow you to see just a bit deeper than the surface.
4. It's called "hiding". People do it all the time...YOU do it all the time. and what does it do? makes you see your self at a surface level.
5. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME MY IDEAS ABOUT REALITY ARE FALSE???????? YOU WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE REALITY IF IT WAS LOADED INTO A GUN AND FIRED AT YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, now that I have that all out, I will state this. Most of you think you've been in "love" before. but the funny thing is, just that sentance contradicts one of the major charactoristics of "love". It doesn't ever die. it doesn't leave. It last FOREVER!!! don't you get that? you fall in love once, and never again!!! got that? good. next "symptom" of love. You EXPECT a relationship that is a result of love to last forever. got that? fantastic! thirdly, it waits. it's patient, and gentle. not forcing and bold. (hence the reason I asked...and I asked twice, over the span of an hour and a half, thank you very much...damn girls have a thing for exageration.) okay! fourth symptom of love...look people, it's not something that's designed to just step in or out of. It's not a doorway... though is often treated like one. if I was moving too fast, or saying things that made you uncomfortable, SAY SOMETHING!!! Goddamnit! It's a RELATIONSHIP...R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P!!! if Morgan said something that made you uncomfortable, what would you've done? bottle it up until it exploded, shattering the relationship, or would you talk to her about it? Why was it any different with me? I'm unpredictable, but that doesn't make me weak. okay.....It's time for me and Pat and Quin...if he ever wakes up, to go sit on the rock above the copper mantion and look over all of Spokane...and dream of what it would look like after being hit with 150 tactical nukes...
Later

PS...look, I'm sorry I'm so bitchy and irritable...and if you all hate me for this entry...I understand. But i won't hide anymore...This is how I feel...I mean, I love you all so much...you have no idea what you mean to me...but...but i have alot of anger in me right now...
byebye now...

16 have a little | faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 2.44pm
:: Mood: Suicidal 9notice hwo often that comes up?) hungry.
:: Music: Hurt NIN

Suicide
so yeah...I think this will be my last entry for a good long while. We'll see...if I live long enough to write again. I guess I want to say goodbye...no idea who gives a fuck. People say they would be devastated if I did something serious...but they wouldn't. they'd see how much better off the world is without me. you'll all live better when I'm gone...so goodbye, for good I hope. I love you all.

8 have a little | faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 1.33pm
:: Mood: suicidal/depressed
:: Music: Whiteflag, Dido

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I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate m

faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 1.33pm
:: Mood: suicidal/depressed
:: Music: Whiteflag, Dido

3 have a little | faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 12.16pm
:: Mood: Suicidal/hungry/ I want to cry...I love her so muc
:: Music: That's what I get

The last wordsa God ever spoke to me.
Yes...that's it. You're just a frightened little boy. you'll sit at this computer and bawl your eyes out while listening to your depressing music. you loser. look at you. You're so pathetic. Just kill yourself. No one will really care. They're all better off without you in the way of everything. Yes...let her grow. Let her suffer and love and marry him...but you see? you already know what will happen? you see it, don't you? so you fight, you don't let yourself die or wither. you fight to save her. you sit, everynight, alone, crying cutting screaming biting...fearing hearing burning drinking...drinkning your own blood as it falls from your eyes...eyes that have no tears left to cry...so they bleed. Do you prefer it with salt? no...you like it sweet, metallic. fresh from your vains...or even better, the vains of someone else. a foreign delicacy.something new. you sick life-sucker, you wretched broken demon. you disgusting disgrace, you fallen angel. suffer! forever I damn you! die...broken...forsaken...pain.....

yeah, pain...."you are never truely free until you have lost everything"....If that truely is the case, my life redefines "freedom".
mmm....Helium....yummy.
lol, Pat's voice is all fucked up....

17 have a little | faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 12.07pm

"The Great Below"
staring at the sea
will she come?
is there hope for me
after all is said and done
anything at any price
all of this for you
all the spoils of a wasted life
all of this for you
all the world has closed her eyes
tired faith all worn and thin
for all we could have done
and all that could have been

ocean pulls me close
and whispers in my ear
the destiny i've chose
all becoming clear
the currents have their say
the time is drawing near
washes me away
makes me disappear

i descend from grace
in arms of undertow
i will take my place
in the great below

i can still feel you
even so far away

faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 11.59am
:: Music: NIN

NIN Lyrics
"That's What I Get"
Just when everything was making sense
You took away all my self-confidence.
Now all that I've been hearing must be true.
I guess I'm not the only boy for you.

That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get

How could you turn me into this?
After you just taught me how to kiss you.
I told you I'd never say goodbye.
Now i'm slipping on the tears you made me cry

But that's what i get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get

Why does it come as a surprise.
To think that I was so naive.
Maybe didn't mean that much.
But it meant everything to me.

That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get

"Something I Can Never Have"
still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i dont want to sleep anymore

you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.

you always were the one to show me how.
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now
this thing is slowly taking me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart

come on tell me
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.

in this place it seems like such a shame.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be

come on tell me
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.
i just want something i cna never have

faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 11.35am
:: Mood: empty/worthless/suicidal
:: Music: Head liike a hole, NIN

"Severed"
You left me to die
You left me to cry
You left me to Scream
(Severed)
You left me to starve
You left me to carve
Your name into my flesh
(Severed)
Broken by your greed,
hoplessness and need.
killed by your fear of death.
Sever Me
Sever Me
never to hold me
never to kiss me
never to love again
only to break
Only to weather
Made to forsake
Only to Sever
(Severed)

faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 9.54am
:: Mood: tired...I really have to pee
:: Music: none

previous entry
ok....so the last part wasn't designed to make any sence....if it did, I'd have to worry...ok, me and pat have been watching "Rose Red". Time for the second disk...and more coffee....mmmm.

1 have a little | faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 5.11am
:: Mood: I miss her...she's been gone for a month now...
:: Music: Somethign I can never have, NIN

Selfish...no, immature...yes
:: 2003 18 October :: 9.52 pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: The Great Below: NIN

-takes a break from Steinbeck project- I keep getting adrenaline rushes. My mom and Morgan and I are all listening to the CD he made for me, and as we talk about school and boys and cuss words and stuff, I keep getting this urge to just stand up and scream, "I LOVE PAUL! I'M GOING TO BE WITH HIM FOR FOREVER AND BEYOND AND BE HAPPY FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE!!" But then I'm like.. whoa Tori.. calm down.. and then it comes back like a big whoosh.. and I'm hyper.. and ahhhh... so crazy... Right, just had to get that out. G'bye now.

2 wishes | Make a wish

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It's not selfish to want someone to keep their promise to love you froever, it's just immature to hang on to that promise after it's been broken"-Madeline Lee Mahugh.

-cries-
I'm ruining me and Pat's night of fun...
There is so much I could accuse her of, so much I could make her feel guilty for. I could kill myself, right on her doorstep....or in her very room. so when she wakes up, there is my bloody corpse. I want to die...almost as much as I want to hear her say "I love you". I could do that to her, and in a sick twisted way, I want to. but she doesn't diserve it...no, none of them diserve it...though according to Betsy and Madeline She doesn't diserve me, either. But she has me. It's never been about what we diserve, about what we're entitled to. It's what we'll give, what we'll take, and how far we'll chase our dreams...not what we diserve. Maybe she doesn't diserve me...maybe she does. It really doesn't matter at all. (song changes to "That's what I get", Nine inch Nails)...One month ago this afternoon I will have just made the mistake that will have gotten me a nice fuck up the ass

I LOVE YOU!!! I HATE ME!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I'm sick of hiding...of being afraid, of not knowing what to beleive...

DAMMIT TORI!!! ARE WE OR AREN'T WE FRIENDS????

< Give her space paul, remember, give her space >

Okay...do we just start over? no five years of friendship...no,we just met...never dated, never held hands....none of it. If you'll agree....please....or will you leave me for dead? -points to icon-....that's where I'd love to be...please...don't sever it all....(mmm....black coffee...so...cafinated.)

Meg proscribed me Lexapro. I just stop taking Prozac....It won't be out of my system until next thrusday, when I start taking Lexapro. If I took the Lexapro now, I'd have too much Ceratonin in my brain and would not get high off of the drugs themselves, but the ceratonin, which is the chemical produced by your brain as a result of the drugs. I would halucinate and shit...

~Am I Severed?....~

~bring me to life...all i need is a drop of blood...~

~...Maybe I really am a Vamp....in a sence, I am. I suck the strength from people with my presence.~

~paul, you're a worhtless fuck...nothing without her~

~don't listen!!~

~so strong...soft...sweet...tender....~

~NO!!!PAUL!!!~

~hu...?~

~Shit!!! we're losing him..~

*click **shing*

~no....NOOOOO-~

Katrina's vice was cut short by Exalian's bullet. Aaron, in reflex, shot Exalian, killing him instantly. He then left to see what real damage had been done. he ran past the engine room and through the doors, and down the hall, looked at the many computers. He was no expert Pilot, but he knew enough...enough to make what he saw turn his blood to ice.

faith

Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 1.40am
:: Mood: Suicidal (notice the new pic)
:: Music: Sad happy, Cold.

Anyone up for a bath?
Now I want you all to think. Think as hard as you can...shut your eyes (because I know you can do that and still read this. Remember, you are special!) think about what it must have been like for you the first time you looked in a mirror and realized that you were looking at yourself? well...that's how I was when I saw this pic pat found...under suicide. You see, there was a night on which I took all the knives, scizors, razors, and anything else I could cut myself with that was in my house, sat on my kitchen floor and laid them out in a nice neat pile. I organized them, looked at them, tested the edge. I guess I was looking to see if they "suited" my purpose-if they were worthy of claiming my life. I see that picture and see me. My blood all over, women screaming, weeping. Men cursing, sobbing, breaking things. the sirens, the people stepping into the street to see my severed body being pulled away on a stretcher, the blood of thousands of deep wounds soaking through the cloth pulled over my corpse. tears won't save me now, nor will fear. I hate myself more than anything. And the love that delayed my leave...has vanished. I guess this was coming anyway. all you did was stall it. I am happy it happened. now as my soul plays about the clouds and watches you grow, fall in love for the last time. The soul with you on your wedding day. the soul that will never leave your side, that will turn it's face when it feels shame, but never leave. I...I...I love you.

Am I plaining anything? Of course! What's you think would happen? I'd just live like this? with this inky wall in front of me? Hell. No. Selfish? Oh no, I'll tell you what's selfish. Someone wanting me around for their own selfish personal reasons while I suffer every minute in pain. I hate the world we live in. I hate who I am, I hate me so fucking much. I want to die...I want to pulverize myself, slowly, painfully, hear my own screams of agony as I suffer and die. My emotions...so powerful. so intense. all my councilors say so. so does anyone else who has any idea who I am. my emotions are hundreds of times more intense than our societies average-especially junior high. I hate hwo superficial things are. Oh, punk and prep. What the hell is Punk? Prep? who gives a flying fuck of a shit in a goddamn frozen over hell???? I sure don't!!! goddamnit, dress like a fucking whore for all I care! wear your damn abercrombie! You know Abercrombie and Fitch owns Hot Topic, right? it's all so pointless! IT'S ALL SO IN VAIN!!!! SURE NOW YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE AHEAD OF YOU, BUT ONE DAY THAT WON'T BE TRUE!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT??? YOU KNOW WHAT'S SO FUCKING SOLID YOU CAN COUNT ON IT??? YOUR PAST WON'T EVER BE AHEAD OF YOU! NO!!! IT'S ALWAYS THERE! IT WON'T EVER LEAVE YOU, NOT IN A TRILLION YEARS!!!! DOESN'T ANYONE SEE THAT??? I FEEL LIKE MEG GAVE ME CRAZY PILLS, NOT PROZAC! WE DON'T HAVE FOREVER!!! -takes deep breathe- okay, the point is, you all can sit on your lazy asses and let all the events that will affect your future unfold without your control or consent, fine by me. personally, I'm going to stand up and get. something. done. your guys are going NOWHERE! not if you think nyou have a whole lot of time. It'll run out faster than you think.and as you sit there, old and wrinkled, on your deathbed, you're going to be thinking "oh dammit, that kid wasn't insane, I should've done something about my problems when I had the chance!" but no, it's too late. It'll all be set in stone. and you will be fucked right up the ass. we all have problems. trust me. I have problems I don't think you'll ever learn of. things I get counsiling for that would bend your brain to new hieghts, make you gag and beg for no more. In the immortal words of John Mcguire: I have stories that would make you cry. don't tell me you know what I'm going through. you have no idea....

Point (finally) : you have shit...all of you. I see it everyday. I see you hurt, I see you scream and kick inside of yourself. well...not all of you. This is mainly directed at Tori, Morgan, and Alex (Bergh). but anyway...don't deny it. you know I'm right. you know you hurt. I know you look at people and wonder how the hell they were so lucky that they got it all together. How they can be so goddamn happy. what makes them so fucking special. Solution: well...there are a few.

I: talk to someone! an adult, preferably. doesn't have to be your parents, or anyone you know. Counsilors, parents of friends, teachers, anyone. make them your true support system, let them know who you really are. now, no one person can be an entire support system you'll need at least two or three...but chances are you won't be leaning that hard on anyone person right off the bat anyway. so pick someone and move on to your next "victim". don't discontinue anyone for no reason. that is not good for either person.
II: Anti-depressants- well, to gert your hands on these, you'll need to talk to a counsilor. ok, I have serious depression problems, anxiety problems, and sleep disurbances. not to mention I'm obsessive compulsive, paranoid, and I halucinate. Thenwe can go on to the dissassociative part and all fo that. point being, they have a drug for everyone of those things and about a thousand more.

III: Psych-ward/intensive counciling. now normally you'll either have to pay large amounts of money or pass some requirments test, but if you can get in to one of these, they will help you. Psych wards are usually a couple of weeks. intensive counceling centers and rehab shelters are expensive and usually have a four month minimum. not to mention you are cut off from the world for the most part while you're there. so there you have it folks, more later.

3 have a little | faith

Aaron

:: 2004 8 January :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: shitty

Latest entry in Satania...the original, that is:

I hate me...I hate me...

Ok, so Xavier says she's a bitch....Alex (gryffin) says she's a bitch...Maddy and Betsy say she's a bitch....holy hell, Am I the only one not pissed for what she did?...what am I saying? I'm pissed as bloody hell...but I don't hate her...I just think...ah, hell, never mind. look, I tried to call but you're not home...obviously. maybe later.

6 have a little | faith

Aaron

:: 2003 20 December :: 2.41am
:: Mood: Tired/depressed
:: Music: Quin on the guitar

...Stuffsesis
I do beleive you...I worry, but I do beleive you. your friendship is enough...more than enough...more than I can dare to hope for. But right now, I don't feel much pain...not really. I just wish there had been a more pleasant end to the conversation, but yeah. I almost told you...but i caught myself. I guess I go back to the original poem of life.

"and I find myself standing in the moon and starlight, recalling the feeling of her in my arms, her pulse beeting strong against mine. The sweet scent of her hair...and I find myself wondering what her lips taste like, but stop myself and refrain from that arrogant thinking, for I know she loves another (at the time I wrote this that was quin.) But I relax, for I know the fate of all whom resist the war is No other than Life."

Okay then, Pat wants me to go...lol, amazing the things write about when they think now one can see it...lol. Okay, I'll call as many of you as I can over winter break. Later.

6 have a little | faith

Aaron

:: 2003 20 December :: 12.20am
:: Mood: Infuriated...this emotion is constant.
:: Music: CKY

Silver angel wings stained by the blood of gods cut by broken dreams...

faith

Aaron

:: 2003 7 December :: 1.14pm
:: Mood: Tired, and hungry. (got to bed at 6:30 am and now
:: Music: Music on the main menue on the first Matrix DVD

Last entry for a while
Well, this will be my last entry for while. Leaving pat's house soon...i miss you all, especially you, Tori. I'll see you tomorrow...I might call later tonight...like sixish...i don't know. I love you.

1 have a little | faith