a king's morale is like a hurricane; empty, but for the force of its gale.
oh, writing time again.

what now.

well. i slept at lyn's house, and went to bed at 5:30. the same day i was dragged to the mall by my mother to find pants, with no luck. instead i got a corduroy jacket. score.

yesterday i went shopping with lisa and got clothes, a purse, and a cd.

a two-disc compilation of the 2004 warped tour.

today i went to the mall again and found one pair of pants.

anyways, im having a hard time with myself. i want to talk to everybody, do everything i can before i leave.

but i also want to be alone to think and read and create.

there was marching band camp today. it was only 1 and a half hours and we practiced music. which is to be expected. hardly anyone was there. only like 11 people showed up.

i want for one person to see everything of me and like it.

just everything. at my best and at my worst. and everything in between.

sigh. wishful thinking.

oh man. i was really creeped out when we were at burdines. we were walking through the men's department to get to the exit and it was deserted, man. deserted. one random person would walk by every 7 minutes. approximately.

i had the strangest feeling too. but i couldnt quite put my finger on it.

almost like you know what something is, but are lacking the terms required to describe it.

its eerie.

back to reality. the fresh market at bell tower is a conspiracy to steal souls to sell on the demonic black market. that store is way too perfect.

at least, thats what me and carrie think.

good times, good times
The Altoid Life
Starring: Speedy and Rina
aka Andrea and Carina

Scene 1:

(Rina is sitting on the couch watching Pirates of the Carribean.The front door opens and Speedy comes walking into the apartment.)

Speedy: Hola Gola Go!

(Speedy tosses an Altoids container to Rina)

Rina: Wow, Speedy! Are these the NEW kind?

Speedy: Why, yes they are, Rina the Monkeyinthemiddlator....I had to kill a man in Reno to get them.

Rina: Wow! How did you know I was craving this flavor?

Rina and Speedy: (together) Psychic!

-End Scene-

there's a traitor here, beneath my breast
i just felt like writing.

like maybe if i keep writing the right words will come out and everyone will know how i feel.

but the trouble is, i kind of dont know how i feel. im just.. blank. im not hungry, or tired, or happy, or sad. im just.. nothing.

you know, i think that if a person were left in a room with absolutely nothing to occupy themselves with, they would go insane.

i cant function on an afternoon when all my priveleges are taken away. i just cant. i will sit there and be absolutely insane until i can find something to do. but it isnt like my mind isnt always doing something. its always thinking about things that have been thought of before, just rearranging everything to make it seem better or worse. and it takes all these memories and says 'if you did this, what wouldve happened?'

and i will sit and think of everything i cant change.

i, honest to god, need something to occupy myself with. to stick me in a room with no color and nothing but myself in that room.. well, crazy doesnt even begin to cover it.

and now im just rambling off on something that probably only makes sense in my mind.

like two nights ago, i dreamt the whole night.

and i remembered some of it in the morning.

which is hard because i had the same dream the whole night. my dream never stopped, i never got a new one. it was the same one, except parts of it changed. evolved, you could say.

and some of it is so hard to describe because i swear that i have a.d.d. or some nonsense like that.

because, my brain will automatically link topics together by some familiarity that only i know. so when someone is talking to me, my brain goes zapzapzap. and then, i talk and it is completely random and ridiculous to the person who is hearing it. although it is completely logical to me.

anyways. this dream i was having. it was my brain making connections to a whole bunch of different topics, so by the time the dream ended, it was dramatically different from when it started.

and im just happy i can remember my dream at all. even if its only a few tidbits. because for some reason i dont remember dreams unless im sick or congested.

oh, good lord. i hope it isnt a foreshadowing of me getting sick. because that would suck.

i hate how illness can come at the worst times. and you feel so selfish thinking that the cold is so inconsiderate of your schedule. its not like the cold can help itself.

so im leaving for sweden on the 27th. and i will get to be with my relatives for maybe a week and then i have to go to sparreviken. sparreviken is this conformation camp. and its a month and you do all sorts of fun nature-ish things like hiking, and sailing, and camping, and canoeing.

how the hell do you spell canoeing? canoe-ing. fuck the english language, i say. we americans already butchered the hell out of it. and the grammar is just a bunch of rules. but there are 5 million exceptions to that one rule. and it just confuses the bejesus out of everyone.

well, anyone not english. or american.

what was i talking about anyways?

oh yes. well, this camp i am going to. i will only know one person. my cousin felix. and he is 15 also. but i havent seen him for, what, 3 or 4 years?

i can tell you that its just going to be a giggle.

but im seriously scared about coming back to school. i will have jetlag from hell. and i wont even get to go to the orientation thingy. where i find out where all my classes are.

and oh, we got report cards yesterday. well, i think it was yesterday.

oh man, you will not believe how bad of a memory my sister has. its kinda funny.

anyways. report cards. i got an F on my alg II final, you guys know that already. so go me, because i had a C for the quarter. hell yes.

then, i got a B on my biology exam. WHAT NOW? i just thought that was freaking awesome. i screamed really loud. and then my sister yelled at me. but A in that class for the quarter too. A's for everything else.

i passed my english final. whoa.

speaking of which. in my dream i had a fit because i couldnt find my vanilla lotion. my mom said we were leaving for sweden the next day and everything was packed. except, everything was in cardboard boxes. and we were in my friend's garage.

im not sure what that means.

but i am pretty sure that this will be one hell of a long entry.

or maybe not. i can only tell how much i write by this scrollbar next to my box and it doesnt look like the face thing is getting any smaller.

well, it made sense in my head.

i think im going to go listen to some music and think of things to do.

god, do i just love summer vacation.

"The intricacies of your fates are meaningless."
so. i took the lamest exam ever yesterday. it was my art exam. sigh. man, we were supposed to draw our sculpture and then describe it, explain why it's there, etc.

describe it?? you're looking at the fucking picture i just drew ms roeder!

ah, so retarded.

anyways. my math exam was yesterday, and im crossing my fingers, hoping i passed. it became a mantra in my head about half-way through the darn thing. let me pass, let me pass, please, at least a c..

graahh. and today was the ceramics exam. guess what it was. the sculptures. i swear to all things holy that i will come back and blow those things up just for the hell of it.
i got to use the chisel and hack mortor off the tiles. and you know, clean them with a sponge. fun was had all around.

biology exam. i just looked at it and said "i dont want it."
the entirety of the exam was of everything ms freis has neglected to teach us. honestly. ive never heard of anything on that thing. the only thing i have remembered from the test today was seeing the word 'glucocorticoids' and thinking is that an actual word? it was a traumatic experience to say the least.

1 day of school left, fuckers.

and now everyone wants to do something with me this weekend. sabrina-sleepover thursday. lyn & carrie-sleepover thursday and then go to heather's party on friday, which is a sleepover too. sydney-sleepover here on friday. melissa-go bowling with her and her youth group. sunday, im pretty sure i have to do something with my mom..

and my guitar-playing skills are improving. which is cool. i've been messing with my amp alot. and pure undiluted lameness, my friends, lies within my inability to find something useful to do with my digital camera. i ended up taking pictures of myself. and i solarized them. rah.

summer is upon us. what on god's green and burdened earth will i do? seriously. i have a month to be with my friends, and them i get to be shipped off to another country. fun.

oh yea, i remembered what i have to do on sunday. church.

ta.

she's fading away, away from this world
it was my birthday.

i got an ELECTRIC GUITAR. and an AMP!
it's a black washburn x-40! what! and the amp is a dean markley.

i also got paint shop pro 8! and animation shop!! that fucking rocks.

and there is only 4 more days of hell!!
life is good.

you reek of frustration; it curls off of you like smoke.
weekend = ridiculously cool.
me = sunburnt.

and my birthday is in 2 DAYS! WHAT!

it happens to coincide with graduation, but that will not take my happiness away. woo.

"beyond flesh. beyond perfection."
so. assessments were tuesday. i forgot my sketchbook. but i am not probed!!!! very good.

wednesday. is my favorite day! dont ask why. nothing special really happened.. except for james!!!
"crash bandicoot?"
"it is some sort of task.. you must collect the crystals. and fruit."
you know what im talking about.

OH! yes, i have a new look for the journal. best viewed in 1024 x 768. i could switch it to 800 x 600, but the majority of people dont use that screen resolution, so.. hm.

girls' weekend this weekend. i wont be back till sunday! what!

we are doing pastels in art. yayness. i heart pastels.

it was hot like a mother today. but i made a huge picture with my shiny new pastels. they are the good chalk kind.

i had colors all over myself. you should have seen my face. there was a large black streak across my forehead and some green on my jawline. and, my hands were completely covered.

i officially hate the css coding for iframes. it is a bitch. why cant they have little site-builders with an iframes option? i mean honestly. i used to like designing crap in html, but this is hell on wheels. not literally. but it would be fun to see if you think about it.

which, oh my god, brings me to something going on in my head. when someone says 'hell froze over' i used to think of a large ice-skating rink. so naturally, i thought of ice skating or hot cocoa. oooohh dear how things change.

i now think of a large ice skating rink filled with millions of ms. freis'. so, (here is the hilarity bit) the term 'hell freezing over' could be thought of as 'hell freising over'.

get it? freis, freeze..

yes, i know its lame but you have to admit.. when youre tired and you dont want to think of anything, its pretty damn funny. especially if you know what she looks like.

want to completely baffle me? try and explain the linear progression of time, and how any unravelled part of it can cause objects to become unparadox. or impossible, if you wish.

i feel like a blank book sometimes. you could call me a canvas.

color me curious.

wee.
i feel like i want to be pushed down a hill in a shopping cart. really really fast.

that would be so much fun. weee.

i feel unnaturally hyper. and slighty drunk, im not sure.

the first lesson is always the hardest
ohmygod. your tie is so hot.

cnlakivohabanm;sliyhehg.

i want you.

guilt is the ash at the back of your throat

i love homemade chocolate chip cookies.

i know boredom very well. we are friends now. but luckily, when he becomes unbearable i find ways to amuse myself. so today i made a squirrel. out of gum wrappers. it was so ridiculously awesome you will not believe.

i should write a book. To Boredom and Back: Ways to Amuse Yourself Along the Way. I would be famous. and i could show little picture-diagrams on how to make things out of gum wrappers.

you would buy it.

my journey seems to end at your doorstep
today was agonizingly slow.

i was eagerly anticipating the end of the day when i woke up this morning.

i felt very shy. like a little girl keeping a secret. ana said i looked small and cute. and i started to wonder what other people might think of me. i am a very curious person.

i didnt talk very much. i was kind of hoping that if i stared at my watch enough the day might go faster. or if i didnt talk to anyone, the day wouldnt slow down any more than it had already.

it didnt work.

now i am at my mother's office. this place is so bland i can hardly stand it. it screams that it needs more than white covering its walls. it feels like some sort of penitentary. but each time i come here it doesnt seem as bad. i hope that doesnt mean im accepting that it wont change. i hate being forced to accept things. thats why im so good at arguing. i can pick fights so easily i scare myself.

yesterday my mother took me and my sister to 'Mamma Mia!' at the barbara b. mann hall. it was a musical. and i have to say, it was alot better than i had expected.

and for those of you who read some of my story, would it be too much to ask for feedback? i dont know if i should continue writing it.

your eyes sparkle in the moonlight
good saturday night.

went to the movies with my geeker and monkey. and andrew came too. (for those of you who dont know carina lingo: i went with sydney, chelsea, and.. andrew.)

we went to the gap and terrorized it a bit. then we walked to black hawk cafe. i got a mocha latte. with this cool sugar stuff they have. mmm good. i would have to say that it rivals starbucks.

saw ella enchanted. dude. that movie is cute. and from what i've heard, completly different from the book. before the movie started i put a gum wrapper on my shoe. you know how you peel off the foil-y type stuff off the 'extra' gum. you've all done it. well, i put some on my shoe.

after the movie we went to black hawk again. i couldnt resist. i bought another mocha. with the cool sugar stuff. but sydney got one too.

so now i have consumed two mochas within 2 hours. i think wired is a bit of an understatement.

and the light that guides is fading
i get glasses on monday.

this weekend is going to be lame. i have two projects to do. joy, oh joy.

and teenage drama is living in my house. sound the alarm.

i miss having places to go. friends to see. non-stop talking on the phone. school is taking over my life. im going to beat it back with some sticks pretty soon.