:: 2005 13 March :: 3.26 pm

the more i think about it the more i seem certain. I am breaking it off today, if i don't see him that is. I am being treated 2nd rate, if not 3rd or 4th. I haven't seem him in over a week. I am going on a cruise soon.. I don't have time for this. Every day i get dressed up and excited and every day i get let down. I will not stand for it and i am done. [Evil Angel 911: hows panjo
SummerSong721: eh i don't know. ] I am sick of hanging up the phone on the verge of tears. I am sick of putting on a carefree, happy face, but knowing that any false words can trigger an avalanche of tears. I am on the verge of freedom, of self actualization.. I don't need this weight to bring me down. So i must do what i must do.

stalk me

:: 2005 5 March :: 1.20 am
:: Mood: dry

Life is so utterly complex. Just as i am leaving, i come to discover how to seperate those who really care for me and those who use me for company. I know paige doesn't give a shit about me. It hurts some moments, but her loss. I really have come to appreciate sam. I will utterly miss neil and elizabeth.. we have so much fun together. I like the word utterly--it makes everything seem so dramatic. I don't deserve the way that karl has been treating me lately.
Want to know the real deal with panjo? we were over before we even started. I don't even remember the last time we talked about something real. He makes my life more complicated than it has to be. I think he honestly thinks this is going to be something long term. I've been contemplating breaking it off for the past week or so. It sounded so offensive to hear sam call him my boyfriend in front of other people. I don't know what he is capable of. I don't think i will reallllyyy get anything worked out romantically until after the cruise.
I know what i have on my hands. I've weighed all the options carefully, a thousand times over. I don't mean to be unfair to anyone but i have such fickle emotions. There is this one decision i always come back to. not about panjp, about someone else. I'm not quite ready to accept it, and i don't know if i ever will be. If i don't that would be a damn shame. I know i am a fool. I feel like i hurt so many people.
plus it doesn't help that i am STILL in love with jeph. I hate when he ims me and he has something pressing on his mind, but won't tell me. he will never leave my mind.
I love the tim+sarah band thing. we own. yeah,
right
i have nothing more that i feel like typing,

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:: 2005 9 February :: 1.47 pm
:: Mood: restless

And it's a sad, sad world when a girl will break a boy just because she can
Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day
Like the next will never come

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:: 2005 19 January :: 9.32 pm
:: Mood: content

"you are a geek, so you would make me a jedi anyway so that you could fall in love with me
One thing, so insignificant, like a phone call, can greatly affect your entire outlook on the world. The phone rings late at night and you know who it is... it can only be one person--your first love, the one who has unalterably changed your life and left you weak and alone and perfect. I finally heard his voice again and it moved something in me that hasn't stirred for the past 6 months. His intonations and his wonderful laugh (which i am sure was accompanied by his famous and infectious smirk) gave me life again. I know he cares and that is all i can hope for. I never asked for his love in return, i silently wished and prayed for it, but it is not something i need to survive right now. It is enough to know we have something, whatever it is... it exists and that is enough for me. He has tons of girls fall all over him and kiss his feet, but he cares about me. He cared enough to let me go and he cares enough to keep in contact with me despite his girlfriend's wishes. There have been other guys, but he changed my life and for that i owe him the world. He made it okay to be me. I was enough for the world. He basically decided my entire future for me. If i hadn't met him I most likely would not even be going to Bard, although he always wanted me to go to Yale to be closer to him. If there was ever a chance of me being with him there are a few things that will need to change, some by happenstance and others by time and effort. In about a year i will be much closer to him which will make our friendship a lot easier to keep up. But more than that i will have grown up significantly; when he met me i was naive and innocent, a beautiful child. I hadn't and still haven't gone through enough life experiance to be able to be a compatible match for him. He is older, if not wiser, but certainly more jaded. One day we will meet on an equal plane, when we met it was not the time. Then he was a catalyst for my transformation into a woman and for that i am forever thankful to him. However, I know it is not over. Our continued contact leaves lingering feelings and foreshadows a future together. A future, most likely of friendship and hidden feelings on my part. I just know we have more instore. He has this way of restoring my hope in humanity and in life. I was feeling so trapped for a few days or so, but he made it alright. He makes everything seem as it is supposed to be and for that i will always love him. I will always love him, just right now it is more of a cherish and a friendship kind of love, then an undying passionate one. He cares. I care. That is enough. Plus he makes me laugh uncontrollably. <3
hey sometimes i can get that giddy school girl thing going on. lalala.

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:: 2005 6 January :: 12.08 pm
:: Mood: fat
:: Music: the arcade fire

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:: 2004 29 December :: 8.59 pm
:: Mood: sick

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

stalk me

:: 2004 9 December :: 8.20 pm
:: Mood: nauseated

I never did anything to you, man.
She wants to block me? ME!!! I'm in the fault. I DID something wrong. I'm such a horrible horrible friend for letting her make her own decisions. Why even talk to me ever? I mean i'm soaking with bad intentions and lies.
And that my friends is december for you, the loveliest time of the year, a time for holidays and suicides.
I get hurt by the boy and hurt by the friend
and i am expected to take it with a smile and a high five.
I love this. Truly.
Not only am i a sub par love interest, but i am a downright despicable friend. I should be sent to the far reaches of the universe to die of loneliness.
Please get me into bard, with a substantial amount of money, and get me away from this place.
I'm never appreciated for always being there so why be there at all.
If honor is the essence of a man, am i really human?

stalk me

:: 2004 8 December :: 7.50 pm

If you are reading this, i had a dream and i think i figured some things out. Part of the reason why i am so upset is because you hold it over me like some prize trophy. yeah you won. It's like karin says if i get into my dream school and you don't.. would you like me to keep flaunting it in your face? I will if you want. I love how you keep talking about what he says to you, and laughing and smiling and secretly knowing that inside it is killing me. I have a problem with being 2nd best, or 3rd best or in this case, off the fucking radar. Plus I have a problem with the fact that for some reason I have neverrr found myself in a similar situation. It is just not that common. As a friend i keep my distance and always have. No matter what, no temptation, especially attention, could sway me into the arms of my friend's object of desire. My boundarys are made with wire fences. I know them and I keep them and nothing like this has ever happened with me in the other place. And with that said, I have my honor and dignity in tact, and I know what i am worth.

stalk me

:: 2004 7 December :: 5.54 am

If she wants to play games... we will play games. oh it's on.
Closer 2004

1 obsession | stalk me

:: 2004 6 December :: 10.52 pm

plan: realize you are not going to win him back, get over it, and study euro

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:: 2004 5 December :: 4.19 pm
:: Music: saves the day

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:: 2004 7 November :: 7.29 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Alkaline trio

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:: 2004 6 October :: 8.16 pm
:: Mood: cold

this is where the story ends
Today, i got myself back.
After four brutal months of struggling with it/him i can finally be again.
the term for it is closure.
It is a week for discovering how high the pedestals are that you have placed people upon. 3 have fallen. What vindication. What freedom.
He wasn't who i wanted him to be.
He can go on with his life and i can go on with mine knowing that a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He is too much like jamie
Why did i think he was perfect again.
I told him more or less everything
"SummerSong721: 10 of course. 12 infinity you know that.. you know that that is why i still talk to you and why i hate this conversation because of that. and i hate that i think that. like you always hold this thing over me. and that is why i dont want to be having this conversation with you of all people. i think you are great. even with your numerous imperfections.. they are great and perfect. and im not confesssing my undying love for you. i know you are happy with your girlfriend. you just asked me a question and i am being honest
SummerSong721: there"
It needed to be done.
It is off me and onto him
He has slept with several girls. some too young.. some he doesn't even remember.
He is just a guy i had a good time with. If we ever cross paths again we can chat like old friends
Yes, we can still be friends.
Im not explaining this well at all. Just know that this is a good thing. That now i am free to concentrate on the people i love here instead of .. them.
I am grateful that they brought out the awesomeness in me. I needed someone to love and i loved them.. now it is time to love myself
I can conquer the world.

stalk me

:: 2004 22 September :: 10.52 pm
:: Mood: envious

i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you i set you apart
It is hard for me to explain and have anyone understand what i mean. I'm in love with someone who is in love with someone else. I loved him since the first time i saw him.. and he has no clue why i think he is so great. He has someone else who he writes songs about and cares incredibly about. And i sit here and write my entries about him and how he changed me. I love that we can just be total losers and laugh together at everything. I bet she doesn't give him as hard of a time as i do. But i know my place. He is with her and he is happy and who am i to interrupt that. Why does he even find it necessary to still talk to me? I'm nothing but trouble.. he should know that. i know he knows that. Im that other girl who he used to waste his long distance phone calls on while he should have been calling her. I'm the girl he never mentions that he has a girlfriend to.. even though he goes on about it to everyone and everthing else. She is so damn lucky. She is always so jealous of these girls who like him too.. but she has no idea how lucky she is.. she should be so happy because she is the one who has him.. she has him. They are so carefree. I wish i could just let this slide away. I want him to need me like i need him. But he doesnt need anyone.. not really. I want to be able to encourage him and look into his eyes and just smile or cry for joy because those are the eyes i would love to look into every day of my life. To see those eyes staring back at me with love.. only a dream. I thought i saw it once.. i was obviously mistaken. I want to be his babydoll again and i want to know im not inventing these wonderful notions about him. Sometimes i think if only i had done something.. but i know that it was a lost cause from the beginning. the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of those glorious summer days when we laughed and i had him, the true him. yeah, that was something. If only there was a way to capture that again. i would do it in a second. im just rambling. just know there isnt a day that goes by that i dont wish to see that smirk and those eyes and know that they are all mine

1 obsession | stalk me

:: 2004 1 September :: 6.01 pm

i know.. i know i shouldn't care about this so much. What has it been a week. but i keep thinking that is has all been a misunderstanding.. it isnt right for me to want someone/something so badly. everything is pain. i just want things to be okay again and to be content with him. pleaseeeee talk to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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