:: 2006 13 August :: 9.01 pm

she could turn it up or let it die, let it die!
It pisses me off when someone says he will call you back in a few minutes.. and then doesn't (especially if you are talking about something mildly important to your being[especially if this person is matt])
other than that
Panjo imed me today. mild closure? yeah i would say so. finally on good terms. he made my day infinite times better to start with. I had been hoping for this for a long time. We are good. It is like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Matt makes fun of him. fuck matt. I had my reasons then. I am just mad at Matt I guess. thanks for ruining my perfectly fine day.
ugh.
my stomach hurts.
I want to go and say good bye to karl.
I don't want to be bored.
I want to create with india.
I wonder if jeff is coming?

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:: 2006 6 August :: 6.08 pm
:: Music: rjd2

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:: 2006 25 July :: 2.02 am

"I'd like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as some minor, insignificant preamble to somethin' else. "

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:: 2006 24 July :: 6.15 am

way to early/late
i finally figured out the problem(thanks to ron kind of).
We want different things. It continually leaves a bad taste in my mouth after our conversations. He says he does not want a serious relationship (at least right now [ever?]). he has jumped from serious relationship to serious relationship. He can't do it again. And I understand this, yet somehow it always hurts to be told it. I realized it is because he is denying me of what I want. I want a serious relationship. Just because he has had his fair share does not mean that I have. It is not fair to either of us really. I feel jiped (spelling???). It is like I finally kind of get what I want only to find out there is a catch... always a catch. How can one fall in love under these circumstance. What makes a relationship serious and not serious. I refuse to be in an open relationship. plain refuse. I don't want to see other people. I just want to settle down finally.. and due to his circumstances I don't know if that will happen. this is actually a big problem and I don't know what to do about it.
oh and ron is dangerous to me..........

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:: 2006 1 July :: 8.47 pm

I am going away tomorrow for a much needed vacation from myself.
I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. too much excitment. hmm what can come of this cruise. hopefully many stories of debauchery. a boy or two to give me kisses. only kisses. I have so much to pack.. i refuse until tomorrow morning. I just can't work like this.
I look very pregnant right now. Imagine that in ten years or so.. a pregnant me writing a journal about the affairs of the world. mildly comforting/disturbing thought. I wonder about married life. complete contentedness. could be nice someday.

("And i will pretend that I don't know of your sins until you are ready to confess"/"baby I can't help you out while she is still around"/"so baby for the time being I'm being patient")- all quotes together to perfectly explain my thoughts on the whole matt situation. but of course of course of course the rest of the song goes to jeff. I want to romance to be brought. bring it on.

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:: 2006 5 June :: 9.05 pm

I was bound to let you go
I was just thinking about all the memories I would relive if I had the chance.
if only.
I was especially thinking about the romance of it all. It is as though every boy I have ever cared about has a space in my heart. It is as though for those small moments I loved them.
Just to relive a few.. for just a few moments
That day on the swings when Jeff looked at me and said that I was amazing. That whole day.
That moment in tampa when I was leaving and hugged and laid down with Jeff. I have never felt so safe or whole. I used to try to remember that moment whenever I was scared.
When Jeff told me he had been crazy about me for a year and then kissed me.
Prom night lying in bed with karl. It was as though my heart was jumping out of my chest. or when he held my hand at disney.
That 30 minute hang out with ethan when I just felt special.
Hanging out with max talking for hours and playing scrabble. Then at the concert when he kissed my forehead and held my hand. Gah. I want to relive that! he has haunted me this entire year.
That day with panjo. I always think of that as one of the best days of my life.
That is really special.To know that the boys i truly had feelings for shared them with me for moments in time. as though all is not lost.
Bright eyes concerts. Dashboard concerts.
I would relive the disney trip that just happened.
Any time with all my friends really. I am so lucky.
I know by fiona apple.. it kills me. it is so meaningful and heart felt.
moving on (always)
I am getting myself into a strange situation right now. with india's cousin. Some little (or big) part of me wants nothing more than to go back to connecticut and be thrown into a relationship. Another part of me doubts everything. He is unfaithful at least in thought to his girlfriend. She loves him. I think at least. And that leaves me in an awkward position. I am enthralled with him. He makes me laugh and hints of a future together, but i can't trust him. I want to cuddle with him and sit in a cemetary and just talk about what is on our minds. He makes me excited about going back. There is something between us. I fear he will stay with her. I also feel very weary about the situation. I don't want to be the other woman.. or just a bad person in general for coveting someone who is not available. He just makes it seem like we will be together in the fall. Plus, he is always so busy and never available for me to talk to ..which i know will be different in the fall when we are in the same state and are able to hang out in person. And i don't blame him for staying with her over the summer.. a man has needs (i guess....). I just want a distraction. I can't wait, but I must. I fear this will fizzle out come september. I fear many things. I just want love.
And sadly, my first love was never mine to begin with. Sometimes it still hurts. But I am okay with it now, with not having him. I have come to terms with it. really.
sigh

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:: 2006 23 April :: 3.55 pm

I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my days on the earth
I feel so very unsatisfied right now. It just hit me like a wave. I just intend to listen to perfect situation by weezer over and over. I don't know how I relate I just do. No more being on the prowl. I want a relationship.
I want someone to kiss my forehead and hold my hand and smile all the time when he sees me.
Also I have to write a paper due tomorrow but I just can't because I am a procrastermaster and I am lazy and I feel strangely sad.
I talked a little to max today. It sucks. I wish I would stop being attached to him.
And what is worse is i like ethan but I never get to see him.
I have to pretend like I am strong but I am not really at all. I just want to be held. for a really long time.
stupid max using me for my detergent (thea put that thought into my head)
Why am I so awkward with him. so obviously into him. oh well. It just wasn't our time I guess.
external locus of death.
I just want something real to hold onto. and I want to not be writing this paper, because come on.
no more hook ups. I want love more tangible. sigh sigh sigh.
I just feel so inwardly sad. a pain I can't explain. I just want to cry for no reason.

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:: 2006 15 March :: 2.18 am

I always thought that we would end up together in the end
You always knew how wrong I was.
oh what a fool you were.
you could have tricked me when you had the chance.
You always knew I was destined for great things
I could have taken you with me

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:: 2006 14 February :: 11.44 pm

What will I tell my children if and when I still love you.
Let it be your comfort that I will think about you every day until the day my mind stops being.
I will try to find my own comfort in knowing that love never dies.
(you may not be the one, but I would choose you any day)

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:: 2006 1 February :: 5.21 pm
:: Music: of angels and angles

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:: 2006 28 January :: 1.56 am

It is the way you say hello
and look at me with those blue eyes that say "I remember."
And then I look back and try to sheild my eyes from saying
"there was a time when you and I was all i could think about.. oh and you threw it away"
Then there are those other times
you say hello
as if we had just met, somewhere forgettable like the subway.
I can't wait for the day when I can stop pretending that it is all nothing.
Another social acquaintance I can brush off.
I am practically there
if you don't count those fleeting thoughts of barging into your room.
I guess it just gets a little too lonely sometimes.
That's my excuse anyways
Why do you have to leave your door always unlocked.
It makes it too easy for my mind to wander in bed with you on nights like this.
oh but you will see, it is all so forgettable. just like the way you forgot about me.

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:: 2006 12 January :: 8.14 pm

It's always you in my big dreams
I don't know what to do with myself lately.
I mean I am alright... I just don't feel that spark anymore.
He is the only thing .. his spirit came along thousands of years ago and discovered how to make fire.
I don't feel like I am doing anything.. i really don't feel pretty anymore. not even attractive.. I guess I'm okay. I'm bored with looking in the mirror.. nothing new or exciting ever comes along.. just plain old me..
I guess that is what I mean with the spark and him.. like somehow he made me feel special a few times in these past months.. he called me a sexy lady the other day sooo hey someone anyone thinks I have some sexy still in me.
I want the psychic to tell me we are meant to be.
WHY AM I SO BLAH.
When will all of us get out of this FUNK (as brigs says)... fucking funk... when will it be over.. when will i feel good again.. BLAH that is the word. soooooo blah. I want to smash all the mirrors in the world. and all the tvs and magazines.
I am no super model.
Panjo once said he thought i was a model.. i can pretend he meant it.. and that it applies to the whole human race.
So many stupid boy problems.
Ugh and Max... why does he have to be so "cool".. but at least he is happy where he is..
and David.. why did he say he would speak to me soon.. when he saw me the next day and didn't say a word.. we used to be close
I don't get why all these boys run from me.. please enlighten me. only guys too.. girls stick around. i mean most of these running fellows are platonic with me too.. like am i so intense? What is it? to quote that stupid song "Am i more than you bargained for" yeah i just quoted them.. yeah.
Im going to date my gate guard guy.. sara and i decided.
oh well. heres to blah
as sara said "as that song says "who sucked out the feeling"".. what a loss for the good guys

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:: 2005 30 December :: 8.37 pm

okay... I don't really understand why my best friend lies to me.. like how can i be friends with someone i can't trust.. two days in a row. of lies.. just tell me you are doing something else don't lie about it.. damn. how can i live with you next year?

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:: 2005 24 December :: 3.06 am

When all is said and done, I am okay and better off.

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:: 2005 22 December :: 3.04 am
:: Mood: crappy

Dear Karl,
I guess I have always seemed fickle.. and in a sense so have you. That probably wasnt the best way to start this letter that you will never read. But i guess basically what i am trying to say is that i really did always care. always always always. I think if you had asked me out like any day in the past 2 years I would have undoubtedly said yes. I guess it just hurts to know that you are over it.. if you were ever even under it? I mean you have a new life now and I am not cool or pretty enough or whatever I am not enough and that is fine you know. I don't understand why I care this much. I should just get over it. We both have new lives.. you seem to be really happy.. like they are the people that we never were.. which is fine too... like that is what college is about. I just wish I knew how you could just shut off emotions.. maybe I am imagining that you ever cared. I wish I could talk to you about things like this. I wish you weren't so shut off to me.. it seemed we used to be a lot closer.. you used to be a lot warmer. My head hurts (haha almost typoed heart) and I am crying which is so lame of me. I'm sorry for all the stupid things I did. I wish i didn't drive you away so many times. I guess this is the price I pay for being such a stupid girl

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