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2003 23 March :: 11.09am
:: Mood: excellent
:: Music: Weezer- Surf Wax America
Life of chasing butterflys
So yes, she's back and feeling so much better. It was amazing, and as suspected I'm feeling excellent. I rock and rolled all night, and partied everyday haha. A taste of a true spring break. I'm dark(er), Dashboard Confessional at this Irish pub everynight, dancing,staying up all night to watch the sunrise, warm beaches, people from Arkansas( so November) o and I fell in love..like really, and the funny thing is I'm okay with never seeing him again, I'm glad I met him and "I thank the lord theres people out there like you". Awesome friends, really nice people that live in west palm, I dunno I could go on forever, I could stay away forever, with the exception of missing Sarah so next year she'll have to come with me. I dunno <3 Spring Break has been a sucess. Tonight will be awesome, I will see Sarah woot. Hmm..Life is so rad.
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2003 16 March :: 1.03am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: The Early Novmeber- Open Eyes
Skies of mercy
I can't believe I'm leaving tomorrow, out of the country for a week. I'm excited I need this vacation, need to get my mind together, need to experience people I don't see everyday. Maybe I can pretend, yes thats perhaps what I'll do, to be someone else, I may just like it, or maybe I'll find myself, for all I know I flew away a long time ago and this is whats left. No rules, no attachments, for all I know I could come back excellent, cause thats what most vacations do for you. Nonstop relaxation and entertainment, now doesn't that sound great. Spring break will do me some good. Will miss my loves, Sarah don't forget about Sunday! It needs to work out under all circumstances, your the best I'll miss you terribly :). Have an amazing spring break yall( maybe I'll pretend to have a southern accent.. ok freak I know bye)!!
<3
"I ain't never been in love, I don't know what it is"
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2003 14 March :: 10.43pm
:: Mood: low
Where to next?
Sorry..I just need to get this out.
Well, I'll stop lying I guess, to myself that is, nothing can change this soon, so I wont try to make it better because it just breaks down into something worse. The thing is that now, I know when I'm feeling bad, that I'm right, I'm right about everything, right about myself. Sorry if I didn't live up to those expectations, sorry if all my problems are on your back, I'm just not mature enough to handle them on my own. Sorry if I'm selfish. I'm sorry I can't do anything right, and I mean that with all my heart, I can't. I can't do anything right, and nothing can do me right, story of my life. I'm not feeling sorry for myself but rather I just need to get it out. Sorry about me, my inconvience, maybe I'll have to try twice as hard as the average person but I really don't feel like it. Sorry for your life, and for how we all treat you, the truth came out tonight and you can't hide behind that smile that you put on to make us think it'll be ok, because things are far from it. Leave, please, you deserve so much more than this, if you can't find happiness here than look someplace else, forget about the attachments, they are crap anyway. I think I've reached a lowpoint tonight, confirmed , it sucks to be a failure in everyone else's eyes. It sucks to have a clue to, I mean I think as I feel right now, I'd rather not have a clue and have the time of my life screwing up everything, but thats not who I am. I'm a wreck, I can't take care of anything, break things that people give me, what am I suppose to do. I hate this, all I want to do is start over, a flawless white sheet of paper and start a different drawing, start the song over and not swipe the wrong key, damn clumsyness. I'm sorry I'm alive, and tonight I mean that, sorry things got so screwed up along the way. Sorry if you bang and yell and are angry, sorry if I don't say anything because I'm to scared to think, and to worried to speak. Just go home and fall apart, thinking this was the wrost, even worse than last time, and hopefully next time it'll be better. And right now, all I hope is that you'll know me better, that I really do have good intentions and I'm not melicous, I care a great deal, just everything is obscure and comes out wrong with me. It's me, I'm screwed up, I'm sorry. Everything has turned upside down, so tell me where to go from here.
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2003 13 March :: 10.05pm
:: Mood: awakened
:: Music: Gin Blossoms
When you have finished the chapter, you will have completed the concept map.
So tonight, put things in perspective for me, at least for tonight. I really didn't want to go in the first place, because I had been considering more and more stopping running, but then tonight happened. Basically it was our athletic banquit, and I got more out of it than I ever intended. I think everyone got more out of it than they expected. I learned some valuable lessons, that friends, you never acknowledge the ones who are always there for you, under all costs, till the end. The little things you do for people, even if you think they wont think twice about them, do them, because 9 times out of 10, a little phone call can mean more to a person then you had ever expected. If you want to do something good for a person, do it when you ahve the oppurtunity. When you least expect, people consider you, and hold you in high esteem , higher than you ever thought of yourself. When you end something, acknowledge that its the end, but the best way is to end is like any other day you shared together, thats what those memories are really made of. I think this put things in perspective in way that you can never make a wrong mistake, you can only considerate that, everything fills you with experiences, and just because it wasn't the easiest route you took, doesn't mean that it was a bad choice. In life, there are no bad choices, you may have to work a bit harder, but you know with working harder only brings out more character in any given person. I love that team, I haven't been in tune for the past few months, but tonight opened my eyes to what wonderful people I have surrounding me, and to not long for others that were/ are never there. They are the kind of an environment one needs to grow, and I don't think I have been thankful enough to have such determined, smart, kind-hearted, friends. I think I know what I need to do now, stop crying, stop longing, and starting doing because I don't have much time. Tonight brought out the best in everyone, love to the seniors they are unbelivable people, made sentimental speeches that I will never forget. Sorry to get all wow, but I just feel so thankful and foolish for not realizing this before. All I need is the air I breath and my friends and family to believe in me.
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2003 12 March :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: uninspired
:: Music: Coldplay- In my place
Or am I part of the disease?
I can't say that I'm not feeling good, cause I'm doing alright for now. I think I might be driving myself crazy by thinking to much, thinking about how I am not doing anything with myself. I just, for some reason, am lacking energy, mentally and physically. I took the day off and spent it with my mom and talked to her about it, how I'm lacking in direction, in course, I know what I want to do but I'm having problems motivating myself. I have potential, I know it because everyone has potential, and I've been feeling like a failure at everythign lately. Everyone wants to be something special, I don't know as my mom describes it I am in a " funk" where nothing at the moment seems to be working out. I mean come to think of it there are so many things I want to do, I want to learn how to play more intruments, work on singing, get better grades, write more, improve in running, start acting again, I don't knpw, everything, same with people to, there are so many people out there who are worth knowing and I can't seem to get around to taking the time to get to know people, cause I would I honestly would, I'm just not feeling as confident as I used to. I hate thinking that the littlest decisions that you make right now can impact you for the rest of your life, it makes me paranoid, I just feel hesitant. I also hate how things can get old, to me, especially if I really used to like them. I mean is it my attitude for now or do I really not feel the things I used to for certain things, maybe my mind is playing tricks on me who knows. I feel okay, but I'm not that acomplished person I want to be, I would like to be. I've always not wanted to be a person in the crowd, well you see what good wanting instead of doing does for you. And if that never works out, I hope for my satisfaction and pleasure at my state, may I consider it not nothingness but too good for all that big crap, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be right? I'm so lost right now.
::"AND I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah"
" I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I'LL wait for you"
"Come on and sing it out, to me":
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2003 11 March :: 2.55pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Bob Marley- Rock Steady
To avoind being sucked into Oblivion
I just want to vent all my war opinions...
Call me idealistitc for my anti-war beliefs, I guess I just feel there is a better way to go about this situation with Iraq. I think the bigger problem, at least for Americans which may be as great a risk as Al- Queda is George Bush. I feel as if our country, that has been built on decades of democratic views, of freedom, setting apart this country from the rest of the world is quickly being turned around into yet another dicatorship, the difference is that we don't know about it. We think we are voting our presidents in, but let me tell you Bush wasn't elected by popular vote, me and Sarah were discussing this actually, I believe he is illiginimate, and now he has the power. Quite possibly, the second most powerful man in the world, thats a scary thought. Did you know today they exploded a 21,000 pound bomb in our state? Without our consent, without our awareness? What is going on here, and now all this crap about Bush not givng a damn what the UN or any other countrys have to say about this. He has just blown years of diplomacy, and call me stupid I just think you can acomplish more if everyone is on decent terms. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but hello I mean when they say Sadam is dangerous ( which he is) and he would hit us with biochemical warheads anyway, no we are halfway across the world from Iraq, and if they ever attacked us , outrightly then hell I say go for it those suckers deserve our full fledged capabilities to pound on their 3rd world country asses, but until then, no. One famous politician said it right, I think, that Sadam and Bush should just be placed on an island to duke it out, thats how to do it, they are the real problems here. I was talking to my dad, and he commented on how another big motive for Bush's assertiveness is that Sadam tried to assassinate his father, the presidency is no position or power to use for your personal agendas, yes thats wrong but his father got out of it and is safe, this is a world war we are about to get ourselves into. Bush senior, in the Gulf War was very cautious into taking time to talk to the surrounding countrys if they agree with what he was about to do, and they did for the msot part. Our current president is just barging through the door, no matter or worry what the world has to say to it. Crazy I tell you, all these people marching are being ignored. I just think this needs to be gone about in a more peaceful manner, if in any way possible, something must be done yes but it must be done in a certain, percise way. To somewhat ensure a peaceful ending...hopefully.
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2003 8 March :: 1.39pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Finding Westerly- Dream is Over
I love your voice, especially today, I think I'll put all my records away
Well has been a good weekend to start with, last night teen cabaret wut wut. Sarah, was AMAZING <3 to you! Was a great night, other acts were awesome to , pipe clay rut, my favorite bob marley song was sung, got to see Stacey and Dana <3 to them. I think I may try out for the next one, I need to get my voice up to par cause it ain't doing so well but I can attempt, I wrote a song today who knows where that could go. and just getting ready for a nice day at the beach. One week till spring break and I'm outta this country for a week...o baby.
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2003 6 March :: 7.00pm
:: Music: Beatles - Ticket to Ride, and such
So what happens when you run out of options?
If you want to know what I miss, I miss being little, I just need to say all of this for sake of not forgetting everything, or anything for that matter. I miss fireflys, cool days in autumn, hours spent in big fields just running and rolling around, little league, steal the bacon,warm 4th of Julys with fire works, recess, throwing leaves, innocent kisses, tag, tug of war, the Hudson River, how everyone on my block would come out instantaneously to play, learning to ride a bike, velcrow shoes and white converse( the kid that only kids wear), my dad, the back of the bus, willow trees ( contests of who could climb the furthest), ice cream trucks, bottle caps, the public pool everyone went to ( because no one had their own pool), school plays, dodge ball, 60\'s music, red bicycles, the ball park, young love, elliot and max, the twins, leeat and kally, windy days, the \"haunted houses\" everyone dared each other to ring the doorbell and no one ever did, the cemetary, mischeif night, messy hair, being able to walk to anyone\'s house, dancing in movie theatres, flying kites, McDonalds, art classes on the george Washington bride, long boat rides, going to work with my dad, making up secret languages, setting off fireworks, the sandlot, the simpsons, swings, always my one wish being to fly, sleading, xman, the baseball card store, blizzards, our secret place,jumping into below 0 water and loving every minute of it, the playground, adventures and ghost stories,the anything goes carefree attitudes, loving school, dairy queen, everything a childhood should be, and I miss it. I think I love little kids, more than anything, they are all so honest, not wrapped up in lies. I think I admire genuine honesty, big eyes that get exciting about anything, no sadness or depression, jsut happiness. They are the best, just wanting to have fun period, exclaimation point, I think I need to take that to heart, if only we all could be little again. :)
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2003 5 March :: 9.09pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday- Summer Stars
I wouldn't change it , not for the world
And before I walk out on hope, I'll remember everything, live the dream once again, leave the dream for the millionth time. Cause this time, the words are spilling out on paper, way before the tears ever came. Like a tear in reality, and I need a kiss, more than ever. Not of romance, of reassurence. I need a kiss goodbye, before I do it myself. Cause we were born to feel everything, and this is the realest thing I've ever tasted, flashing radial memories stop smiling cause your making me dizzy. And I'll hold on so tight, at least I'll try, try not to get tired, and try so hard to not be content with sleeping. Don't act so cool when I am trying to communicate anything but. I tried to tell you everything, and found out that you were blind. I'll just keep this safe, closed up where it should be, in the lockbox in that dusty attic. I need someone to care, to give me kisses for not romance but reassurence. You are the distraction, now take my reaction. Follow all your paths of gold, that wind the way for your perfect little life, dont frown on the world cause behind your back they are all smiling, secretly keeping you going. As the sun beats down, never give up , you can think of it in everyway possible but impossibilty. I don't think people understand what impossibity really means, cause when you have a tretchorous way in which you must go, know that you'll get to the other end, keep running that pace in which your heart allows and you'll get out, much sooner than you ever thought you could. I need some reassurrence of reality,as well as the possibilty of more than visions could reconsile these wishes. I don't need anyone right now, just myself cause only I can screw myself up the most and bring it back up to that knee bent eye swelling beaten up type of sick victory. Born to be, everything and ended up being nothing, nothing finished. Keep in mind the paths you choose, and to take for granted that nothing is as it seems, the two paths. Setting off further into the night, that inward smile, the reassuring kiss, that other path meant nothing, and the unassuming, unreal meant everything.
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2003 1 March :: 10.54am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: NOFX- Love Story
Erik liked Mike's Black Flag skateboard, It was Punk.
Alright so last night went to the Authority Zero, Starting Line, No Use For a Name, an Sum 41 concert. Twas an adventure. Here goes..
We got there and stood on this ridiculous line, huge I tell you, even though we had tickets. Interesting, guys in Mohawks, the Harpers and such. So after and hour and a half we got it..finally. Authority Zero was playing at the time and they were awesome, thought I, funky and all that crap.
Then Startling Line played, they were awesome, could have played more songs but thats alright. Me and Sarah tryed to fight our way to the stage, but these 2 kids who werent even into it were punching anyone who pushed up against them. By the last song, by cyhance an out of control crowd surfer cause mahem and we moved to almost the front. Matt screwed his hair up, sweatband man with always a head piece , the suttle coolness I tell you. And then there was Ken (Sarah's lol) very nice wwith longer hair."Ken sucks this time, he was better last time.. i mean he sucked last time but at least he knew it" . Met him, got our shit signed and hugs. Just not quite as cool. Where is there?- our desperate search to find them lol.
Then we left because we dispise Sum 41, as well as all othere Canadians ( excpet Shannon) lol. " I never want to go there"- Sarah. It was ok, I mean wasnt bad, considering I got my camera stolen o well. An adventure liek always.
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2003 26 February :: 10.32pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Weezer- Susanne
But you wont fool the children of the revolution
I think that I finally understand the concept that not everyone has it together. No matter who you are, or how well to do you appear, you can never be totally happy. I guess jsut from talking to people and talking in context of others, no one seems to be truely happy, and if anyone is give me a call. I guess this sheds a bit of hope, a ray of sunlight, at least in my mind, no matter how alone in the world you feel, all the people you surround or don't surround yourself with feel the same. And what if all of us, those who long for happiness, love, good company, what if we just all got together, like this may seem weird but wouldn't that be great? We know we all feel the same way so whats the big problem, we all have feelings and emotions in common. And we'll never feel bad again? I guess my point is that together, we all stand alone, in our minds, we can solve each others problems. Hey if you need a friend or someone to love im here, so is everyone else I think that it seems to foolish to admit but what if it really isnt, what if it means the difference between obtaining something worthwhile, or just another coold-hearted rainy night all to yourself. Think about it, a feel good revolution, is everyone with me?haha. Weird/ freak i know. Goodnight.
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2003 25 February :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: Koufax- So long to you and I
I still swear by cigarettes, in the time of loneliness
Take the time to see through everything, and find out that its worth nothing. Thinking about quiting, sitting this day out, and watch it go by without you, because you always seem to be running away.Watching yourself laying in bed, and you can't be woken up, would you find some sick pleasure in that? Because everything's worth is really what we make of it right? Well I'm not that happy anymore, and all I can ever do now is exaggerate. Like a ghost, life will be spent wandering the streets because nothing matters anymore, you are no longer in the game, and I'll knock on your window every night. I guess I'm just feeling pessemistic because I'm growing thirsty and this glass just always seems empty, no matter how you look at it. If theres one thing I hate is people that don't understand the way things make you feel, or maybe I like to think that they really don't mean it. I don't know why but the hours tonight are going by so slowly and all I feel like doing is drowing, let me step this day out and so how I like it. I think the worst thing is that it doesnt make a difference, people just take pleasure in taking you place, stomping over the shattered mirror that still has the reflection in it. I think I'm such a pushover, sometimes I wish I could make people feel bad though I wouldn't, and thats the difference between us that I'd never make you feel bad. Its getting late, and as always left hanging like I have so much more that I really wanted to say. Well you can push me down and pull my hair, I'll just blame it on everything. What am I going to do with me, I dont think this is getting any better, the cold water is seeping in and finally getting to me soon everything will change and I really want something warm to receed to but its all murkey and chilling, I don't think I'm safe now, thats what really scares me. Waiting at this door, I've walked so far and no one was home after all.
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2003 24 February :: 8.54pm
:: Music: Sting- Fields of Gold
When the west wind moves
I guess another discussion about the winding ways of life..learned today.
I think you shouldn't base your thoughts on first impressions, good or bad. In Spanish, this little scrawny wanna be ghetto superstar freshmen sits next to me, to be honest never thought much of this little sweatband wearing kid. Today I asked to look at his wallet, cause thats what I do, and found a school of the arts i.d. card and found out the kid is passionate about playing the piano, has been playing ever since he could remember. Its interesting I've never thought him to bright but as soon as I got him started up on piano and how I playing his eyes turned into two stars and passionatly dispensed his knowledge and love for that piece of wood with keys. I mean I just thought that was really cool, it made me happy. Also, I really am beginning to think that whatever you do, comes back to you, saw it today first hand, just cant deny the unseen balance of things. And one last food for thought, you never really know who is thinking about you, who is walking in back of you, and the interesting thing is that you'll never know thoughts will be thought and lost forever, you never know who is looking at you.
Yay to doing my homework and to green tea.
" I never made promises lightly
And there may have been some I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold"
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2003 23 February :: 10.54pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Azure Ray- November
Please buy a pretzel..all procedes go to the nuke the baby whales for Jesus fund.
Sunday night, listening to Azure Ray, uyy this stuff can bring you down..but o well. Went to Ren Fest! Was interesting, I like those people, the world should be full of them. Sarah got a sack thrown at her, and she threw it back. Danced the Maypole ( is that it?) dance, haha "something to do before you die, and we've done it!" haha Stacey. " I can't really get more creative than eat my nuts" , ahh for laughs GOr there. Anyway less than a week Sarah( husbands!) hah. Thats all for now, not feeling much of anything but longing for a bed and a hug..bye.
" I'll be alone, but maybe more care free, like a kite that floats so effortlessly"
Gosh, you know I used to be like that? But you can't go back, your on you own. I dunno random thought, I guess it might be nice to regress or at least revisit.
Please understand when I don't answer the phone.
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2003 21 February :: 3.14pm
:: Mood: better
:: Music: Less Than Jake- Bad scene and basement show, and such
I'll look at you hard, and I'll look at you long, but you always look at the sky,
Maybe one day I'll trip and fall into your lips?
Wow excited for the weekend, hmm magic could happen? Today this marathon runner came to speak to us, won the New York marathon twice, and set a world record, wish he inspired me, but yes interesting. I guess my problem is that I've lost the will to work hard, to go through pain hah to think I used to enjoy.
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