charlie
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::
2024 1 April :: 4.35pm
:: Music: Touché Amoré
Somehow it's already been a year.
Somehow it's already been a year
Embracing other versions to make this feeling disappear
Now I just feel you everywhere
It coincides with the guilt of knowing that I wasn't there
I was told that wouldn't have known
Told myself I was where you'd want me to be
But it's not that easy
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
How has it already been a year?
I skip over songs because they're too hard to hear
Like track two on "Benji" or "What Sarah Said"
They just hit too close when I'm already in my head
I was told you were half asleep
Told myself you would be proud of me
But it's not that easy
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
Somehow it's already been a year
You keep finding new ways to make yourself reappear
I hope you never leave me be
I haven't found the courage to listen to your last message to me
what
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munkysaurus
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::
2023 25 October :: 11.13pm
:: Music: The National - About Today
A moment in time, grieved, for beauty's sake, loss.
Hey, Mr. Daily,
Whoa, you've changed! Mr. J no more. You've evolved into the DAILY! Dude, you're doing so good for yourself and I'm so glad you're still here with us. How's the wife and kids? Dad-bods are in. You're looking peak though.
Speaking of kids. I have one. I'm so proud of him. He's got a girlfriend and he's really good to her. He's a good kid. I'm proud of him.
That sun was too hot. I like where the river took me. Down stream. Strange means of travel to our destined places. I like where I landed. Thank you, Sun. Warmth comes from more than one source. Lessons learned through treacherous waves.
Daily, you look great, man. Time doesn't have anything on you. Let's have a shot of Woodford and talk about the good 'ol days.
Until next time, you fucking handsome bastard.
Your best.
what
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charlie
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::
2023 19 April :: 10.02pm
Matt Hinton was an artist.
So, in full disclosure, things aren't well.
I'd been struggling with some stuff for a while. Work stuff. Scared about my parents and kid getting older. Midlife crisis stuff. I'm 40 now. I joined this site when I was 18. That's a legacy.
Anyway, stuff got kind of bad and I took a short Pine Rest Vacation last month. I'm doing my middle aged millennial thing now. I read self help books. I see a therapist. What we all do. I've been getting by and telling myself that I'm doing alright as long as nothing major happens.
Then today the news broke about Matt. Matt held a special place for me in a sensitive time in our lives. A time when Woohu was thriving. That's why I'm posting here. This seems like the proper venue.
I'm upset that we drifted apart. I suppose that can't be helped. We went to a concert almost exactly seven years ago. He seemed to be doing well and we had a blast.
Along with the therapy stuff, I've been Journaling. I want to compose my thoughts over the coming days and write him a proper eulogy. In the meantime, I felt I had to publicly cope like this.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health, the Partial Hospitalization Program at Pine Rest can be helpful.
what
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charlie
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::
2022 8 August :: 1.57pm
:: Music: Big Ups
I feel like I've lead a pretty happy life.
I need to treasure every minute
The fact that I'm here and I'm living within it
Sometimes I feel like the pace of my life's too fast
And I think about the time that's passed
I can't remember what happened yesterday
The day before, or anything, at any rate, anyway
I think what I'm trying to say is
I don't wanna live a life like this
What happens when it all goes black
And I'm lying there dying and I'm trying to think back
And I can't seem to conjure up anything
And the fear consumes me as they start to lose me
What happens when it all goes black
And I'm lying there dying and I'm trying to think back
And I can't seem to conjure up anything
No, because I haven't done anything
I feel like I've lead a pretty happy life
Then how come all I can remember is the strife
Fear comes and it takes its hold
And I'm afraid of getting old
And then suddenly I need a way out
Because I can't just let my memories fade in and fade out
I need something new
But I'm stuck with what to do
what
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munkysaurus
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::
2021 30 October :: 12.32am
Crackle fingertips upon the edge of thought
Mr. J...J meaning journal. Did you know that "jour" is a french word for day and "nal" meaning daily, so jour-nal. Daily. You're name is really daily. Daily.
You've been a friend for so long. Good and bad. A post, 20 years ago, described in such detail--the advent of a little brother. Received by a brother who was still, himself, such a young man.
Girlfriends, you figured it out. They're people and you need to find a decent one.
We shared allegory of the fall of Icarus, aspiring and burned, falling into the torrent river. Washing downstream. They don't talk about the fate of Icarus after his fall. A fool, sure, but learned in something of value.
Well, Mr. J, you are the river now. You are the storm. The sun is your device. The world is yours.
There is nothing stopping you, the world is yours.
Rest easy, past self.
Rest.
I have you now, with tender, strong arms.
Yours, Mr. J., a gentle soul somewhere in Andy's server. You listen and carry our message.
2 huh |
what
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munkysaurus
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2021 3 January :: 9.36pm
:: Music: David Bowie - Lazarus
Time is not a stream, but a thick and chunky undertow...
Mr. J,
That's what Harley Quinn calls the Joker. But we both know that's not here or there.
You scallywag, how's the slipstream time-dream beauty Queen? :P I kid you, you're a wonderful soul for heeding the now with me.
But, isn't life such a rope finger's-length from grasp?
The puzzle is never truly solved, only provides more questions. Ideas so intimate in proximity, suddenly so distant. And the vice versa.
If time is a body of water-like substrate, is there a shore, beach or rocky precipice in which I may glimpse and enjoy it's better amusings?
Maybe it's you, my dear friend. Only a condensed series of switches held within place against the better of your nature. Anti-equilibrium :P I figured you out.
You know it's not time yet, but what does that even mean?
Maintain the heading and wind direction, let's rendezvous s'il vous plait avec vous chez du temps.
At all the hour <3
what
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charlie
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::
2020 4 August :: 3.30pm
:: Music: JTB
They're playing love songs on the radio tonight. I can't relate to that right now.
I live in a hotel, I must keep writing
If I'm to be better than everyone else
Like figure skating, like asphyxiating
On your own seeping fumes, you're just waiting
Living in a hotel, I'm not traveling
Between two points, in midair I'm levitating
Above the earth, beneath the sky, with eyes like static
In my three feet from bed to wall sleeps a genius
Leave me here to my devices
The call could come at any time
They're playing love songs on the radio tonight
I can't relate to that right now
Note to self, no one cares, your voice is average
In worried piles I typed for miles, you just stood there
I will begin, I will put right this morning terror
I have been kissed between the ears with human error
Leave me here to my devices
I need a word to change my life
I've tied my ankles to the table legs with wire
He can't write so much as type
Leave me here to my devices
I can't think with all this noise
They're playing love songs on your radio tonight
I don't get those songs on mine
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
what
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charlie
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::
2020 5 June :: 10.54pm
:: Music: WPE
Love how you disappear, if I need you
You're sleeping, I get that, I want you to know that I try
To figure out, where I'm going
And where I'm sleeping, and how much emotion is showing
And one can only imagine the things that you think of
I want to see the country, without goodbyes
But I can't afford that, so fuck my life
And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry
When did I leave the seventh grade?
You feel sick, I'm tired, I don't even know what to say
My words can't make my problems go away
You say I lose things, that I can't find
There's no more covers, left to hide in
You say I'm lazy, incompetent, I'm always too tired to try
Everyone's stuck, living their "skewed up version of life"
And now I have a job, and Bobby's living in Tallahassee
I wish I had tried more
And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry
When did I stop thinking this way?
I feel sick, I'm tired, I don't even know what to say
Your words can't make my problems go away
And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry
When do I stop feeling this way?
I feel sick, you're tired, we don't even know what to say
My words can't make my problems go away
what
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charlie
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::
2020 27 May :: 6.20pm
:: Music: A3
Well I'll sit here and convince myself it's true.
If you keep on telling your friends that we're through.
I've got nothing here but loneliness
Holes in walls and bleeding fists.
My head is pounding like a pillow, like a big black song.
Well my friends and I try to tell me you're gone.
Won't listen to myself or anyone.
You got on a plane and off you went.
You're never coming back again.
I'm trying to convince myself it's true.
Convincing myself
I'll be just fine without you. [x3]
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself it's true.
I sit here trying to convince myself it's true.
But you keep on pretending you have no clue.
I'd kill for you and eat the flesh.
Give you the heart and burn the rest.
A thousand miles ain't shit to walk if I'm walking to hold you but
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself it's true.
what
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charlie
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::
2019 4 October :: 9.27pm
:: Music: Murder City Devils
So carve it in rock
I tears of prayer
Everyone knows
What it's called
Does a steamer help
I am I say
I am I cry
Inoculated safe
In my pale disguise
I too have dreams
They sometimes arise
I only have one thing to say
My only call
So carve it in rock
And let it be known
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
It's all I have to say
It's my only hope
It's the whole of my truth
It's the truth worth to be told
Might I tell
And fortunes unfold
May I be instead
Most of all
So carve it in rock
And let it be known
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
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charlie
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::
2019 11 June :: 7.12pm
:: Music: Flatliners
Grab me by the throat. Your hands are freezing cold
And fingernails tear nice and slow. You know
I'm not afraid of all the things you think about
When you're alone swallowing your day
Hold on tight. Just hold on tight
Cataclysmic prose. Eye sockets will erode
When days to weeks to months seem half full
Yet I can't impose with another wilted rose
You'll feel this when you see how I've grown
We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
Keep breathing. Stay broken
Our blood's boiled thin
You can taste it with every breath taken in
It's 2:30 AM. Years become layers of skin
I've shed them all but I'm not done yet
Heavy hearts my friends, come sing in unison
And drag me out of this hole I'm in
We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
Keep breathing. Stay broken
Our blood's boiled thin
You can taste it with every breath taken in
Are you breathing?
Stay broken
I've earned my bitterness
My legs are planted firm in transit-stance
For this dead romance
Grab me by the throat. Your hands are freezing cold
And fingernails tear nice and slow. You know
I'm not afraid of all the things you think about
When you're alone swallowing your whole...
We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
Keep breathing. Stay broken
Our blood's boiled thin
You can taste it with every breath taken in
We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
what
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charlie
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::
2018 23 December :: 9.23am
I've spent so long thinking about how I've gotten old that I didn't even realize that my parents have also gotten old. In the last year they've had a total of five stays in the hospital and now I dread that this may be the last Christmas I have with both of them.
what
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charlie
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::
2018 25 October :: 4.04pm
:: Music: Menzingers
Waiting for your life to start, then you die? Was your heart beating in the first place?
Two years ago today I made a pretty big career change. Not that my old job was much of a career. It was a summer job I took just for the health insurance benefits so I could fix my back, but I ended up staying 12 years. I really enjoy what I'm doing now, despite still feeling a lot of shame for never finishing college. Years ago I was told that I'd never make anything of myself. Now after spending what has literally been half my life trying to prove otherwise, I'm just really aware of my failures. I don't even know what I was hoping to do specifically. I just wanted some sort of achievement upon which I could hang my hat that would make people go, "That Charlie is alright." I went about it all wrong too. I looked over my old posts on here and it was like I was just trying to amplify whatever parts of my personality I thought made me look cool, or witty, or sexy, or intriguing, or smart. I ended up making caricatures of myself. The struggling musician, the passionate lover, the lovable alcoholic, the political radical, the wounded artist. None of it was really me, just the narcissistic ideas of what I thought I should be. At the same time I'd constantly air my dirty laundry and bad mouth nearly every person in my life at one time or another. It was as if destroying them would lift me up and put me closer to being something special. I still don't know if I've amounted to anything, I probably never will, it's not my place to say. But if I truly had to define myself now at 35, I'd be forced to say, "college dropout, twice failed husband, decent electrician, and father." I like the last one. He's just as weird as I was when I was his age, I just hope he doesn't make as big of a mess of things as I have.
2 huh |
what
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charlie
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::
2018 16 October :: 4.48pm
:: Music: Ruiner
And in my free time I sing hardcore songs as heartfelt acoustic ballads
And what the fuck do I know?
But broken hearts, some unsung songs
I never had it hard it enough
So I drag my feet as much as I can
The product of excuses
Brave only compared to some
I consider myself a lucky kid
But I’m pretty good at fucking up
Young, Angry and White
A victim of the middle class
So much to prove
So much to say
When will I be done screaming?
Never take me seriously
Cause who the fuck am I
Just some awkward kid
From a shitty town
No different than any of you
Quick with exaggeration
Philosopher to some
But a story teller to anyone
Who, is truly listening
I’m inspired by
The fact that I
Still get out of bed
I’m over dramatic
Most of the time
Attention whore,
Known to be ill tempered
I got a way with fucking words
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charlie
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::
2018 7 October :: 5.30pm
Eight years without an update.
Still the same person.
Still have my hairline, it's just grey as hell now.
2 huh |
what
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munkysaurus
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::
2014 19 September :: 10.59pm
Against the laws of nature, the wings regrow!
Darwin, what was he thinking, writing such a thing as evolution! Noticing adaptation. The environment molding the organism!
What does Darwing think of love?! Is it austere, cold and calculating?
Love is a broad term if you think about it. It should be re-examined by a comity to be subjugated and redefined.
Even in science they allow the anomaly, the thing that redefines.
Mr. J, the world! The world is mine, I inherited it when I was born. Noone realizes this. It's mine, shortly, but I own a share; a portion.
And so, I will not be a product of my environment, but a shaper of the environment around me.
The river was cold, the travel was destitute and soggy, and scary.
But I decided when to fight against the current and swim towards shore.
My muscles burned, my perilous fall; shattering. But I swam, and I swim, and swim.
And the sun is warming on the shore. Now, where to go from here?
No time for a fire, I'll set this goddamn shore on fire with ambition.
Mr J., you understand! You've kept going all these years. Stay going.
Stay going!
You're still ravashing, Mr J., a looker if there ever was one. A roman statue.
- Me
what
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holiday
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::
2014 5 May :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: melancholy
Well hey there...
I can't believe I remembered my password. It's been a long time.
I'm really excited this is still here, even if I find most of my posts to be annoying. I'm still glad.
Life is... an everyday struggle, trying to keep your head above the water...
2 huh |
what
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munkysaurus
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::
2014 27 April :: 10.38pm
The difference isn't all that different, it's perception that's being percieved...
You like that title, Mr. J?
Mr. J, I gotta let you in on something.
Here's the thing, you sitting down? We're all scared. There, I said it. However, the thing I've seen is some people use these tools they've built, or acquired. Tenacity and integrity. Those aren't the only ones. But the good ones. And I mean good--like good and evil.
I can state this claim surely.
That fear, that's a driving force I've discovered. For lots of things, maybe everything! The fear is what turns the tide, what shifts the thought, the mind.
I've seen a lot of things, but I'm going to state the appalling thing is what drives most people. Not to stand against this force that is obviously so easily circumvented if a person were to only use a little effort.
Fear, fear, fear. Say it with me. It's causes things to stop, or to never have started with no real logical explanation or reason.
I think I speak for all of us when I say with utmost courtesy: FUCK YOU FEAR!!!
Having said that: I have to say that if I see those who succumb so easily to this feeble creature, this noun that shouldn't be such, I immediately think less of a person. I like to see people face that fucker and ascend what really is a very trivial and stupid thing.
....
Mr. J,
I thought about going back to Ms. E. but I don't think that's an option. She has some things to sort out, and they're things that are more of a self-revelation that something someone who loves her can help her with. The only person who can rise above it is her. It breaks my heart at the thought of cutting her loose but unfortunately I have to do it. Otherwise, I'm marooned on Big-Heart Island waiting for a ticket on a boat that no one knows the name of, which the itinerary has washed away, and sun never sets. Marooned.
So, goodbye for now, or maybe forever, Ms. E. There's things I'll always cherish. That sounds very normal, but I promise you that she was so close. So very close, by the hairs on my fucking chin.
alksjafls
Well, to bed, or to the printed word, or to the flickering screen back lighting the racing thoughts in your brain. You understanding son of bitch.
Peace, for us all if you could. To bring comfort or release to those around the world who need it. Did nature, or God(s), or whoever created us contemplate the horrible nature of being such a conscious species would entail?
Adieu, mon ami.
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munkysaurus
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2013 15 December :: 11.08pm
Desolation is a lonely place.
You can describe in prose, and use words to shape it.
But, just like a cold breeze, you'll never feel the full effect unless you're right there in the moment.
Even for a moment; a cold breeze feels like the end of it all.
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munkysaurus
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2013 3 December :: 11.45pm
The way out is through, but I can't get through.
1 huh |
what
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munkysaurus
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2013 24 November :: 2.56pm
It doesn't matter what's my name.
I don't seek fame.
Eye seek your lobe.
May I probe
your brain? Penny
for your thoughts? Any
way you'd let me in?
I could show you then.
Let's combine our synapses, our souls, our beauty.
Let's bring this planet up or down, it's our duty.
But, we can only be one.
Either way, we'll have won.
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munkysaurus
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2013 23 November :: 4.50pm
You're probably reading this thinking,
"Omg, what is this guy all about?"
But, I'm sure some of this is sinking.
Because both our lives have reached a drought.
Not the kind that involves water, mind you.
Not the kind that makes your crops shrivel.
The sort that regards groups of two.
That want to be enlightened in the world's drivel.
Enlightened in a clicky sort of way.
The way fingers fit in between each other.
Like the colorful leaves on an autumn day.
Fall from the same branch, and lay on top one another.
So, before you go off, seeking more.
Know, that I know that you're here for the same reason.
You're looking for a word, like adore, or paramour.
The one that stands true regardless of the season.
Love.
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munkysaurus
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::
2013 21 November :: 6.55pm
The glory is all used up, use what's left...
Hey, you, you're still here? I'm glad, because you're beautiful, digital face overwhelms me with joy and memory. The glory, it's been used, it has holes and there's plenty of new ones sitting on the shelf. But, I'm not ready to open those packages.
Look, I remember the smiling faces, the aspirations, and the hopes and dreams. They rest with you.
What takes place when the glory is used up? Glory: an adolescent thing by nature.
Duty? Maybe?
Mr. J., I'm gonna let you in. I was let go from my job. But, it was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because I relinquished, and then the old me came back and embraced me. And it wasn't glory I felt, but possibly...duty.
I'll let you decide. You mull it over.
Yeah, I know, you can't stay long. For now, bonne soir monsieur, vous et l'amore de la mon vie. Parce que, vous exitez.
To the memory of the smiles of the people who meant the most to me but didn't know it. To Vivers and Teresa, my goddesses. To the infant brother I helped raise. To the twenty year old me that you've chronicled and frozen in time so well. The wings are burned, but I have my legs.
- Friend
3 huh |
what
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happygolucky4646
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::
2011 28 September :: 2.58pm
:: Mood: predatory
Whoa...This is still here.
1 huh |
what
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munkysaurus
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::
2011 10 June :: 3.07am
Burnt the wing...burnt it bad...
Dearest, dearest, Mr. J. How I've forgotten the solace you once brought my aching soul. My love for you has brought me back to the place of my younger years. Where I smoked cigarettes, and threw insults upon your ever beckoning and understanding binary ears.
I sit here now, marveling at the fact that you still exist.
I sit with greying temples, and a young offspring.
I set the sun in my aim, and flew too high. On my descent, I've made and done some beautiful things, and am shielding my face from the ground below. Hoping my arms will give themselves to cause of saving the rest of me.
I tell you when I reach the bottom, hopefully it'll be river that will swallow me whole. And I'll float to a better place.
I can only hope.
But, it's late. And you've got your life ahead of you starting now.
Your friend.
1 huh |
what
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this-acoustic-love
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2010 11 December :: 9.17pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Josh Groban
3 huh |
what
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charlie
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2010 19 September :: 4.40pm
In case anyone still reads this, and hasn't already heard, I'm running for Congress this year.
www.PickShick.org
what
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kate
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::
2009 10 July :: 7.06pm
:: Mood: calm
Not about anything
I didn't expect it to be so strange when I merged worlds. It's not bad, but it's different. I brought Poland, Australia, and America into the same place. I have Kara, who is experiencing what the real Shelton family is, and marveling at how I came from it. I have Prudence, who counts as both Polish and Australian to me, who is experiencing the American life. And then I have my American friends, who are experiencing the people I spent most of my time with abroad. Surprisingly (or maybe not,) I make friends with a similar type of people anywhere I go. Not that everyone doesn't have their own unique qualities, only that I tend to surround myself with people who will get along with each other. I really like my friends.
We're going to be traveling soon. Next trip will be about two weeks and we'll see Boston, New York City, Washington DC, Cincinnati, and Columbus, as well as everything in between. I'm really excited about this because I've always wanted to see New England more than ANYWHERE else in the USA. I know it's not a really thorough trip, but it's going to be great nonetheless. It's sad Prudence will have to leave about a week after we get back to Cedar, and Kara will leave in about three. I wish I could go with her.. I really hope I can. It all depends on the Australian government. I've already applied for residency; all that's left is waiting.
I'm going to miss my friends and winter Christmases. But Melbourne gets colder than Brisbane, so it will feel a little more like home. I can't WAIT to start studying, but once again, I'll have to wait. Two years. :S
I don't want to think about the future. My life is made up of a lot of phases. I'm always in a position where I can't do one thing until I've done another, and usually, it's time that's holding me back. Such as, a visa needing to be approved, or having a visa that won't let you study for two years. I'm not really in a hurry, but I like to feel like I'm working towards something. At least it never hurts to save money for a while.
I'm not going to complain about anything, or say anything contemplative, because I don't really feel like it, even though God knows I could. But it's been ages since I've written, so I thought I would. I used to keep a journal that I wrote in regularly, ever since I was little, but I haven't for the last year. I've never lived with anyone before in the sense that your lives actually affect each others, and ever since Kara and I moved in together, I haven't needed to write. Not much, anyway. We used to go to bed every night and just talk while laying there. It's harder to do here in America, where my mother is creeping around, making sure we're not being ourselves. That must be why I feel like writing right now. But also, Kara and Prudence are taking quizzes on some website right now. Instead of joining in, I went to woohu. I even forgot my password. I had to ask Kara--good thing she stores memories like a computer.
Well, we're going to drink some vodasz tonight, and watch Harry Potter movies (god help me.) The wine will help. :P
3 huh |
what
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bleedingsun
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::
2009 23 January :: 12.23am
DAMN.
It has literally been years. Thank god for old email addresses that can be recovered and then still have passwords sent to them.
How is everyone doing?
11 huh |
what
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kate
|
::
2008 1 July :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: peaceful
July 1st.
I was standing in the Warsaw airport at 6am having gone to bed only two hours earlier. I felt sick from getting food poisoned in Ukraine and everything felt very surreal. Rafael, and Prudence watched quietly, Monika gave me an eiffel tower keychain from her recent trip to Paris, Nella smiled and joked in the discrete way that she does, Britt stood anxiously beside me, and my host mom Danka held an American flag. I was feeling nauseous from the food poisoning, but also the added nerves of leaving the country. Daniela smiled at me warmly and lead me to the bathroom where I threw up. As we walked back to the small crowd, she rubbed my back and mothered me. Minutes passed, Britt and I went through the gate, and a strange calmness came over me as we boarded the plane.
It's been one year since I left Poland and my exchange ended. Today the exchange students after me are coming home. The first time I saw them they were timid but excited to start their own exchange and everything about Poland sounded strange. Then I saw one of them when I visited Warsaw six months ago and she knew better Polish than me.
A year later and I'm sitting on a blue couch with glass sliding doors in front of me watching the Aussie sky turn from day to dusk. I have a beautiful girlfriend, an awesome cat, and I wash dogs for a living. A lot of things can change in a year. A lot of things changed for the year I was in Poland. But right now, things are starting to feel more stable. I have the person I want to spend my life with, we have a place to live, and we're building a savings account. We've got the simple things down; it's just the future that remains unknown. But that's ok.
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