go away

:: 2005 31 July :: 10.34pm

I think this could really be happening...............................

Anyway, today was nice. Day off. Char came over and hung out and then my grandparents came over and we had a bbq. Then Char and I layed in bed and watched t.v. and it just felt nice. I remember a couple years ago when I seriously couldn't wait to get a job. How crazy was I??? I mean, having money is good most of the time, but now...I will be working for the rest of my life. Give or take a little time off. I just keep hoping I win the lottery. I am so going to. HAHAHA. It'd be awesome though. Tomorrow is work, once again. But for anyone who has been feeling like I have been, about how it seems never-ending and stupid. What I tell myself to get me through is that no matter what, I will be able to go to sleep again, go home again, do what I want sometime. For some reason I was just feeling like I would never be leaving work. You just have to really cherish the time you do have. And now that schools over, time has been FLYING by. Seriously. Well, I am going to sleep soon. G'night.

:: 2005 31 July :: 2.57pm
:: Music: Breaking Benjamin - Simple Design

Ron is paranoid
Read more..

They just come to me...

10 huh | what

:: 2005 30 July :: 10.53am
:: Music: My Chemical Romance - You know what they do to guys like us in prison

Stemmed from an old idea..

I probably won't be adding them every day now.

Read more..

2 huh | what

:: 2005 29 July :: 12.54pm
:: Music: Alkaline Trio

SPIDERMAN

I think I'll put a new one up everyday. Unless they suck...then not.

Read more..

6 huh | what

:: 2005 28 July :: 9.28pm
:: Music: Action Action

Ron is curious

Sorry about the bad quality, I had to take it with my crappy camera.
My second comic
Read more..

17 huh | what

:: 2005 28 July :: 6.33pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: A Fire Inside - Dancing Through Sunday

I need a scanner

I started my own comic strip. I have a bunch of ideas, I just need a cool character.

Maybe me.

Edit
My first comic
Read more..
Hopefully the drawings will get better with time.

4 huh | what

Kate	:: 2005 28 July :: 12.38pm Who's bored and available? 3 huh \| what

:: 2005 28 July :: 1.14am

Wow. Interesting. Bowling was fun. Getting lost was semi-fun. Except I was driving by myself for an hour and 20 minutes. Eh.
I had a blood test done today so I get the results tomorrow so we shall see. I'm so tired. BBVD FRIDAY!!!! YAY CHARLIE!!! hehe I love you <3<3<3

:: 2005 27 July :: 1.49pm

Office Space says everything.

:: 2005 26 July :: 10.54pm
:: Music: The Juliana Theory - If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

Waiting..

I feel a little better, I slept until 7 PM. I did wake up a few times, but I didn't stay up for long. I'm really pissed about not being able to go with Josh.

I miss Amanda quite a lot right now. I always miss her more at night for some reason. ~~We haven't talked in three days.~~ She just called. I listen to our mix every night before I go to sleep. I'm such a loser.

2 huh | what

:: 2005 26 July :: 10.23pm
:: Music: Modest Mouse- You're The Good Things

I LOVE THIS SONG!
And the help's ain't short
When you're diggin' your grave now
And the help's not short
SHORT!
I'll help you dig it!
And the help's not short, no.
So
you're diggin' your grave now
And the help's not short
SHORT!
I'll help you dig it! No
And the help's not short
Your speakin' my language!
Yeah!
And the help's not short
SHORT!
I will help you dig it!
~~~~

Work went pretty well today. The register was short. I had a little girl about 8 or 9 who wanted COFFEE. What the heck? And I had a pregnant lady ask for an ESPRESSO! I guess it's not really my place...
Eh.
I get to sleep in tomorrow!!!! YAYYY! And tonight I'm ordering a few Vonnegut books. Double YAYYY! I go to the doc tomorrow. Hmm...!
OH, a weird dream I had the other day:
I was driving down this road when this semi tried passing me. It was full of gas. And it passed me in slow motion but it just kept going and I could see what was going to happen. It went all the way off the road and into the woods and I thought "I should pull over and get out because something bad is going to happen!" I don't know why I got out. So I jumped out and went into a ditch. And I heard the explosion and felt the air move from far away. Then I tried covering most of my body but I looked up to see tires falling from the sky. And then afterwards when it was safe I walked away and went home. Then I saw it on the news and thought, I need to go back to talk to the news crew. They didn't even know I was involved. They didn't even know if I was hurt or not. So I went back.
And that was it. It was weird and really real.
Anyway, G'night.

4 huh | what

:: 2005 25 July :: 9.16pm

MMMM
I do not know why...
But I am in love with Cheetos right now.
yum. hahaha

:: 2005 25 July :: 9.11pm
:: Music: Hell's Kitchen

I am getting worn out and tired. I'll be getting up at 4:30 again tomorrow. I was supposed to get a day off yesterday but no. Didn't happen. Now my day off is FINALLY on Wednesday but that is the day I go to the doctor. So we'll see. It'll be nice to sleep.

I just want a job where I have the freedom to make things I want. I miss school because of that. I had the time and freedom to cook whatever. Extravagant or not. And on those days at 6 when I was too tired to cook anything and being lazy...I should have taken advantage when I had the chance. I will be working almost every day...For the rest of my life. This is not life. I can't wait to work my way up to the top so I will be able to do what I want. I am stubborn like that. Anyway, I have to get to bed soon.

:: 2005 25 July :: 3.49pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

I'm just trying to forget and move on.
It hurts, but I have to get past that.

I've never felt so much regret for one night.
dsbhfbsdhfbdshfhdsafadb;fjdasf

:: 2005 23 July :: 7.05am

Tainted.
Nothing will ever be the same.

I can't feel like I used to. All I want to do is go back a week and change everything.

I want to feel wanted. Like I'm the only one. Like I'm not only good enough, but I'm so much more. Not settled for.
I want to feel the security I felt a few days ago.
So cherished and loved.
But, everything's gone.
And I feel empty and sad.

His company doesn't even soothe me anymore because I feel worthless.
I hate myself.
Attachment is the worst disease. It makes you do stupid shit.

I feel stupid, like a pushover. People can just hurt me and get away with it because I feel so fucking strong and I care so fucking much.

I'm ruined. I feel like that spark of happiness and optimism is gone. My mind is poisoned with that image that won't go away.
Him and her..

I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I am what I never wanted to be.

Things will never be the same.
I don't feel pretty anymore. I'm not confident with my body anymore.
When we kiss I don't feel special. That feeling of complete happiness is lost and replaced with him and her together. I'm not special or the only anymore. I'm just another.
And all of this makes me sick to my stomach.

I want true love and perfection. What I thought I had.
My future looks like a series of huge mistakes.

I have never cared so much about someone that has hurt me so much. I can't help it. I know what I should do, but I can't do it. I've fallen in love with someone who doesn't feel how they used to. Something left them.. and here I am..being more in love than ever.

"Go with your heart."
Nothing has ever been so wrong.
Don't.

Be careful.
Think.

Be willing to get hurt, 'cause you will.

Everyone is a liar.

:: 2005 22 July :: 9.46am
:: Music: Breaking Benjamin - Firefly

I love White Ninja. Too bad the new ones suck. I just went and reread a lot of the older ones, and woo, I laughed a lot.

Read more..

3 huh | what

:: 2005 21 July :: 6.55pm
:: Music: Belle & Sebastian- Step Into My Office, Baby

Say my place at 9
Well. I am really glad to put in the day. It's done. Whoo. 9 hours. It was just crazy at the moment. I'm a lot more relaxed now. Anyway. My phone is coming in an hour so YAY. It feels really good to actually spend money and get some nice things. I've just been putting it in the bank or paying off my car. It feels like things are going quite smoothly. I really want a house. HAHAHA how crazy is that??? I just really want a house now. My grandpa is finishing building a really nice one and I want it. But blah...I'm not old at all. Why do I want all this crazy stuff? haha. But it'd be nice. Puppies are barking now. Aw. How cute. Hahaha. They really are though. Tomorrow is the bid wheelchair tournament so we're going to be crazy busy. Blah. Then it goes on Saturday too. Sunday is my only day off. But it's okay. I'm growing up. It's okay.
That is all.

:: 2005 21 July :: 1.04am
:: Music: The Mars Volta

When Boredom Attacks!!

So a few days ago my mom bought this butter, and the brand is "is it butter?" This scared me, because I wanted to have a bagel, and I didn't know what to put on it. Was it butter? How could I be sure? How could I be sure of anything, if I wasn't sure if this was butter or not? I couldn't, that's how. And that's also how this happened.

Read more..

14 huh | what

:: 2005 20 July :: 10.05pm

Please just be happy for me and don't think I am a dolt.
God.. I can finally breathe.

So, we're back together.. sort of.
We talked for a few hours and we decided that we need to work on everything. We both need to change and make our relationship better to keep it stronger.

We're going to take everything slow and slowly get to being normal again.
It's not like everything is solved and we're completely happy.
We need time.

All I know is that losing him would be the worst possible thing that could happen to me at this point.
~~All the rumors have been cleared. Every little question has been answered.~~ [Edit:The rumors were true. And the answers were false.]
It's not perfect and I'm not all joyous, but I'm much, much better.
I can finally stop crying and just eat something.

Thank you for all the support. Especially from the people I didn't expect it from.

I'm still kind've a wreck and complete drained of all energy.. but it'll fade and hopefully I, no we can just be happy again.

I love you.

On a side note, thank you most of all to Matt. You've been here the most. And today was awesome. What a good fucking talk. I mean, you even got burned by a McDonalds employee.
Digi mon! Digital monsters!

Also, Erika.. thank you for calling me. :)

6 huh | what

:: 2005 20 July :: 10.06pm
:: Music: Elliott Smith-Let's Get Lost

My new camera rocks! I took this awesome picture today, too. And I worked which sucked. But I got to see Charlie :-) That was good. I need to go to bed soon, I kind of open tomorrow but I still have to get up at 5:30. Then I can pick up my new phone after work! Yay!

This may be a stupid question, but how can I upload a picture into my journal entry?

:: 2005 20 July :: 1.53pm

Save me.
I've called everyone I know or they know to try and find him.
I left three messages begging him to call me back, only to find the phone to be turned off when I tried again. I figured my annoyance would be enough of a bother for him to just fucking talk to me.
I'm sure he cheated on me.
I know he lied to me.
I have no idea where the fuck he stayed last night.
It's like he was waiting to be single so he could just go back to being a piece of shit low life.
I tried to save him, because his friends are too fucking selfish to support him being a better person. And realize that there is a time to grow up.
It's not that I dislike any of his friends personally. I do like them, I just wish they would help him be better.
I've found that I've never loved someone as much as this and that I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. And now it's gone forever and I'm going to spend months crying, trying to just not waste away to nothing.
I loved him.. so fucking much. And what do I get? I get cheated on, lied to, and betrayed.
After one stupid fight.

I want to die.

It's fucking insane how things change so much.
True love? Bullshit.
You're the one person I thought would never hurt me. Ever!

I can't do anything.
I tried to sleep, I just cried.
I tried to eat, I just got sick.
I try to occupy my time with this stupid fucking computer and t.v. but nothing helps. I wish my memory could just be erased and I could be ok again.
I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying and I was too weak from not eating for two days.

I've never been so hurt in my life.
I can't believe you ruined me.

I'm a complete and total wreck.

Yours forever?
Forever must not be too long.

You ruiend everything. I didn't even get to expierence half of what a real relationship is. There was so much ahead of us that I was looking forward to.

Now what?!
What the fuck do I do!?!

15 huh | what

:: 2005 20 July :: 6.42am

I've never felt so low and alone.

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying.
I can't even catch my breath to just breathe.
I feel like I'm constantly going to throw up.

Everywhere I look there's something that is his or reminds me of him.
Everything I do reminds me of him.
I can't escape and I feel so betrayed, angry, used, stupid, lied to!

The worst thing is, is that he doesn't care at all.
He's taking it fine.. while I'm here fucking dying.

He was like my God damn air and you can't have that just be with you one second and gone the next.
And I can't ever get him back. And that.. kills me more than anything ever could.

I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
I know it's only been one day, but I can't take it.
One day is way too much.

I don't know what to do.

:: 2005 20 July :: 3.04am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Rise Against

Twelve is the biggest number in the world

I went to bed around eleven:30 and was awoken by the Used at one:43.

I love text messaging.

7 huh | what

:: 2005 19 July :: 4.25pm

Tears staining my face.
I knew it couldn't last.

11 huh | what

:: 2005 18 July :: 4.36pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: Chevelle - Comfortable Liar

Bobagadoosh

I am bored.

I finally got the ceiling fan for my room put up, it makes it so much nicer in here.

My Spin subscription came in the mail today, so I should be getting a magazine pretty soon.

That is all.

3 huh | what

:: 2005 17 July :: 8.57pm
:: Music: Elliott Smith- Twilight

Don't want to see the day when it's dyin'...
I'm already somebody's baby.

It's been a good weekend. I don't have to work until Tuesday. I'm not counting down time like I always do. I'm growing. I'm getting better.

Oh, and I'm getting a new phone tonight. I'm excited.

I could make you smile...if you stayed a while...:-)

:: 2005 15 July :: 6.26pm
:: Music: Gorillaz - Dirty Harry

Lush

Well, she's gone.

So if anyone wants to hang out, I'm completely available for the next 17 days.

"I'm going to go insane!"

I know, me too. I feel pretty good right now though.

5 huh | what

:: 2005 11 July :: 11.30pm

From the boards:
Holiday � It certainly sounds like you may have m/c�d.

Holiday05
That is what happened to me when I m/c. I am sorry to be telling you that. Call your Dr and you should probably go see him.

Hilary.

I dont have much insight for you, but i have heard of ppl being late on af...(more info)... supposidely its an early misscarriage. This may be what happened to you.

good luck!
~

So yeah. That is kind of what's going on now. I work tomorrow 11:30-6. (I close) Blah. I'm tired. G'night.

:: 2005 11 July :: 11.02pm

Hm...
Update:
Last Monday was Charlie and my 2 yr Anniversary! :-)
Worked today until 10:30 today
Then worked out for an hour.
Went to the bank.
Went to Charlie's.
Then I went shopping at Schuellers
Went shopping at Meijers. I got us groceries :-)
Went to Kohls and bought some jeans and held a skirt and shirt (mom's picking it up tomorrow YAY!)
Went back to Char's. He was awake then so we went to pick up the Explorer. He went to get a part, I went back and did some dishes and made dinner.
He got back and fixed the car.
What am I? A 1950s housewife? hahaha. No, it was fine. I actually didn't mind it a bit. I like it.
We talked more about the situation at hand. But now with getting his car fixed we probably don't have money to go to the doctor. Well, not really a good sign.
Good news: we're getting new phones. family-plan probably nextel or something.
It was cute, I got home and told my parents about what I did today and my dad goes "See Kim? I TOLD you. I know what's going on!" and I asked my mom what he was talking about and she said, "Oh he just said you were over there playing house."
Hahaha. That's funny. He doesn't shudder anymore at the talk of weddings and wife and all that good stuff. Hahaha. He is happy.
I am happy. Still confused. But you know, happy with other stuff.

Wow this is long. Well. I figure I write pretty cryptically sometimes so I wrote about my day. Hehe. Well, g'night!