I've got my training to become a UPS driver this week, feel like my brain is going to explode trying to memorize all the information they're going to drill me on, but I'm so excited to finally start the career I've wanted since I was a kid.
Why does no one want to marry me? Am I not good enough for it?
I shouldn't even be asking myself that question. I know I'm not good enough to be someone's wife. The men that I've been with have indicated that. The first, obviously. The second, pretty much there.
I have grown up in a society that has told me that that's all I'm good for. I've learned that I'm not even good enough for that. The little I must amount to...
I could settle and marry someone I don't love. I could be Cath. When will this flame of hope finally die inside me so that I can stop moving forward and resign to my fate to never get what I want in life? I hope it dies soon so that I can too.
::
2019 13 June :: 4.27pm
:: Music: The Best of Me - The Used
Most of the time I think of wonderful, exciting things to do, I just don't do them because I have no one to do them with. Concerts, movies, trips... I've missed out on so much shit. Then I try to do stuff alone and the enjoyment goes from possible 100 to like 12. It's just no fun by myself.
I don't know why I moved to this apartment. It's empty. It's lonely.
I thought he would be here with me. I craved more so I thought having a place to stay together would be beneficial after the cost of those hotel visits.
Now I find myself alone almost all the time. It's not easy. It does not help with motivation. My depression is sky high and I don't think I can fix it now. Not without him around.
It's Woodinville all over again only this time I can't just drive 10 minutes to see him.
You know that feeling when you realize you need someone just a little bit more than they need you?
