Time Will Tell

Time Will Tell

:: 2005 16 July :: 1.44 am
:: Mood: pissed off and emotionally distressed

Everythings So Fucking Fucked Up....

I don't know what about this day made it suck. I guess the fact that I didn't move fast enough. I should of had the fish tank clean, part of the sheeps pen done and the house work done all before I went to work. But instead alls I got was my car and the barn. How pathetic. I thought going to work would be better but it only made things worse. Katie is being a jerk whether she realizes it or not. I told her not to piss me off and she went ahead and did it anyway. Katie you know I don't do shit like that to you so why do you do it to me?! I bend over backwards for you and you don't even give a shit. That is so fucking typical. What ever happened to the "balance"? Ever since I got my lisence I mean absolutely nothing. You don't want to hang out or do anything together anymore. It all about Ryan. It always has been. Maybe I am acting irrationally but you have pushed me to the limit. I do everything I can to take care of your fucking horse and I never hear a thank you . Sure when I was the one cleaning out her cut and making her hooves look decent then I recieved a little bit of praise but other than that its nothing. I gave you the best deal you have out there on her and I am getting the raw end of the deal. I hate when people take advantage of my big heart. I guess I haveto learn to be a little bit more cold hearted for you to understand what it feels like to be used. You just threw sarcastic comments in my face the entire time you were there. Only intersted in something if it concerns you. Ya don't really want to listen to me bitch about my problems unless it is something juicy about what going on or if Andrew said something to me about you or some fucked up shit like that. I bend over backwards for you Katie and I have had enough. Why don't you for once bend over backwards for me? Why don't you twist your schedule around so you can spend time with me? I sure as hell have done that for you and you sure as hell do that for Ryan. You just don't get it. Walk in my shoes for a day and then you will understand why I am the way I am and why I hate telling you stuff because you act like you don't care. Just once I want you to appriciate what I do for you. Just once.

After she left Cory told me it was his last day cause he is moving to the Cascade store. It made me kinda sad but he gave me a big hug at the end of the night which made me feel better than I had all night. Besides that hug I guess the highlight of my day was when Mitch slipped me his number while holding up the line. That sounds crazy but it made things seem better for a while.

There is nobody to fucking talk to anymore. Alls I wanted to do was to do chores and go to bed. Instead I get down to the barn and the goats are out and my cd player is on the floor and my favorite CD is knocked out of it and has scratches from the fucking goats. I just broke down and cryed. I don't have a single soul to call at midnight and cry to. I wish I did because it was really hard trying to pull myself back together. I just can't do this anymore. I want to talk to somebody without having the feeling like they don't care and just about all of my friends make me feel that way except for Cory, Rachel, and strangely enough Andrew. I need somebody to talk to but there is nobody around.

5 zoos are out of control | If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 13 July :: 1.40 am
:: Mood: nauseated

Now....

I need to escape. For some reason or another I just feel like I am trapped in this world of unfair reasoning controlled by the government who doesn't give a damn about the people living in "their" country. On the top things are good. I got my lisence, got a raise at work, sorted the Libby thing out with Katie and did some grocery shopping. On the flip side I just feel so bottled up. I just want to leave for a while. Disappear. Not forever but for a little while. With nothing to care about . Have somebody watch the ponies while I'm gone and feed the fish but thats all. I don't know where I'll go or where I'll stay. Maybe I will sleep down the road in one of the barns that we just put hay in. Maybe I will just drive for days on end to nowhere in particular. But I need to get away. Too much heartbreak in this house, too much suffering, too many tears and screams and hateful words. Too much lieing and cheating and finding a way around explaining. I want it to stop, I want it all to be like it was. But nothing is ever like it was. I want to hate her for what she has done but I can't. I mean I do but I can't. She sits there and lies and picks a fight with me for no reason and then gets pissed at me for defending myself. But I forgot I am the child that can do no right. I go out and get a job take care of two horses of my own and soon to be a third and I can do no right. I give all I have to run and balance classes that I know I can pass and still I am the child that isn't smart enough to do what she wants. She is like a shadow that never leaves my side. Always hang over me whispering in my ear of how dumb I am and how I never use any common sense and how I can basically never match up to the other two. I tell her to fuck off and she still comes back for more. She expects him to get involved and discipline me against the way I talk and treat her but she is the one that provokes it in the first place. He doesn't punish me because he knows its not my fault. I am relieved she is gone for now but Saturday she returns and it all starts up again. You can tell it takes a toll on him because he just looks so sad. I so badly want to just take him away with me but he has so much on his plate that he can't leave. He sucks it up and tells her he loves her but it is easy to see that he really doesn't anymore. She only says it back to try and keep the lie going.

I need to sit down and cry but I don't to do it alone.

Thats why I am tired and helpless cause no matter what I do I always end up back at square one no matter how far I get. I want so badly for her to go away but on the same note I want her stay and have life the way it was. He knows everything and she lies to his face believeing that he knows nothing.

Its sickning.

If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 30 June :: 12.29 am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Something Corporate

Please....

I am tired

and

helpless

If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 25 June :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: apathetic

I shoud shut the bad out of my head but I can't....

I need help

Please help me

1 zoos are out of control | If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 6 June :: 1.54 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: The Killers

Still in Pain (slightly) after a midnight fall....

Its been a week and a day since my horse threw me off. It wasn't really his fault, it was the cats. I was just laying on John (the horse) looking at the stars and talking to him. Milo (the cat) wanted to snuggle with me so he decided to jump on ther horse. Well he was unsuccessful jumping high enough to reach his back and latched on to his butt. That sent John (the horse) on a frenzy and me off of his back. But thats not the end. He then bucked sending me up in the air and I landed on my left side bruising it up pretty badly. This all caused me to miss the meet on Tuesday and laid me up for a week. I am still having a hard time breathing so today I get to go see my very attractive docter.

I guess it all has to end sometimes even when you don't want it to. I have learned that to wonder 'what if' is a pointless thing to do because it makes act irrationally sometimes.

Ces't la vie

3 zoos are out of control | If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 19 May :: 1.11 pm
:: Mood: peaceful

He Sheds....
I carry a muskrat around with me during school. Some people find it weird but I find it rather comforting to have a little buddy tucked under my arm that will stick close to me no matter what just be cause he's stuffed.

I named him Rascal

1 zoos are out of control | If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 16 May :: 9.01 pm
:: Mood: annoyed/exhausted/tired/fustrated

Two guys one problem....

I have found that asparagus tastes very funny when it is eaten plain. It doesn't make it any better when it is over cooked either. I don't know about bad breath but it sure makes your farts smell terrible.

I have hit a dilemma. I like him or at least I think I do. This time I can actually pin point what i like about him instead of pondering the thought and racking my brain for it and coming up short like last time. But heres the twist. Is it wrong to be attracted to somebody that you know is off limits? Yet you wonder anyways? I guess its really not much of a dilemma as I thought but it has just been on my mind alot lately. I don't know why. I should just give up all together even though I am only sixteen it doesn't really matter. I just want to know more than anything if it is at all possible to achieve the impossible.

Schools almost out and I will have license soon.

Thank goodness

If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 11 May :: 8.32 pm
:: Mood: Chilly
:: Music: Shoulda Been a Cowboy

I went to the Green Day concert with my Katiekins and Ryan. I was so awesome!!!! I got so close to Billie Joe that I almost touched him!!! I can't possibly express my excitement in writing or even when I am talking. You just had to be there t see the look on our faces. I got kicked in the eye by some ass with very large army boots. Then I cut my arm somehow but oh well. We became completely covered in sweat within the first five minutes and we were cramed so tight that we could barely breath.

It was well worth the $80 for the floor tickets.

Thanks guys

If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 11 May :: 8.57 am
:: Mood: content

Things have been pretty rough lately. My mom and I are not are good terms. We bicker all the time and she doesn't understand the concept of anything anymore. For example I stayed home from school last Tuesday, which cause me to miss the meet at Greenville, because the vet was coming out. I had all the bills paid up such as the vet and my horse. I had a paycheck that I didn't know what to do woth and then all of the sudden John has a swollen throat and such so naturally I got worried and waited a couple of days but there was no improvement. So I called, scheduled the soonest appointmant everything was said and done. Everything turned out to be fine but the fact was that she yelled at me for staying home and saving gas money by not having her drive me back from school then her driving to work again. To mkae the already long story short, She wouldn't excuse the abscences. That really ticked me off.

My liscence is just around the corner so I will finally be free!!!!

If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 23 April :: 11.03 pm
:: Mood: Distant
:: Music: Unwell- Matchbox 20

I have once again joined the world of vegetarianism. I went grocery shopping with Katie and bought some tofu, which I blended with peaches and it tasted like pumpkin guts. But thats the least of my problems. I had practice today at 11am but only the distance team. We ran 5 miles with 2 miles being fast and it wasn't so bad with the wind cause we only ran a half mile in to it.

Today was kind of weird. My day was fine and I was content when all of the sudden it just hit me for no reason at all. I became really fustrated and felt like I needed to cry. At which I did. This all happened at work. I must have been a jerk to everybody cause as soon as I started to talk to people they had a look of shock on their faces. Except Steve cause he's an ass. Then from there on out I was just in an awkerd state of mind. Andrew really did make me feel better though. Talking to him made things a little more clear.

To top it off for the night I am sorry to anyone that I have been a bitch to. I have had alot on my mind. I dont say that just as an excuse either. Its true and only a select few know what I am talking about.

2 zoos are out of control | If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 19 April :: 3.10 pm
:: Mood: scared/indifferent

I have to ask him.

Here I go.

If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 11 April :: 12.17 am
:: Mood: stirred
:: Music: Leave Me-AAR

Yesterday I was cleaning out the barn, as well as organizing it, and there was a long board that needed to be in the rafters. So I pushed it up there but it didn't want to go all the way to the other side so I decided to let it drop and then I would try again. To my luck my middle finger on my left hand didn't move fast enough and got caught between the board and the ceiling. It was almost black underneath my nail but I burned holes into it with a needle to relieve the pressure. I didn't get the geyser of blood that I was expecting but it did feel alot better. All was well until I got out of work today and fluid was draining from my nail. I got home and played around with it just checking it out when I realized that I could pull my nail away from my finger and it didn't hurt. So now half of my nail is gone and the rest is only intact at the cuticle. Its pretty cool looking but its gonna hurt like being attacked by a mad moose.

I feel so bad asking for a ride home from work especially when I ask Andrew. He lives in the complete opposite direction than I do and I very much appreciate his kindness to help.

I am in desperate need of a lisence.

If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 10 April :: 3.27 pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: Swing Swing

For You
Created by littlemiss2006 and taken 9 times on bzoink!
Basics
Name	Lindsey Bigney
Birthday	9-15-88
Nicknames	Linz
Height	5'9-5'10
Eyes	blue
Hair	blonde
Pets	2 horses, 5 cats, 1 dog
Family	2 brother, 1 sister, parents
School	Cedar Springs High School
Grade	11
Job/s	Hungry Howies, The occassional Barn Cleaning
Car	1993 Bonneville
Significant Other	I wish I knew
.
Current
Clothes	red Middle School X-C Shirt, blue courdery pants and sweet green socks
Hair	thrown up into a messy, loose bun
Chatting with	Shannon
Drinking	was a diet coke
Eating	nothing
Talking too	nobody
Thinking about	thats a secret
Excited about	work
Angry about	My money being stolen
Jealous of	not sure
Sad about	alot
Happy about	my clean barn
Music	All American Rejects
.
Last Person You
hugged	probably Katie
kissed	Petey
talked to on the phone	my dad
talked to online	Shannon
hung out with	Katie
were mad at	Katie
missed	can't say
went shopping with	Katie
got in a fight with	my mom
cried in front of	my dad
wathced your favorite show with	dont watch TV much
played a board game with	The cross team
joked around with	Rachel
you said you loved them	My ponies
People
You laugh most with	people at work
Spend most of your time with	Work
Makes you happiest	Ponies
Makes you angriest	Twatson
Kiss the most	Pete and John
Fight with the most	Mom
Worry about the most	Katie
Miss the most	secret
Call the most	Katie
Person you see in a different light	Mom
Always suprises you	myself
You never thought you'd care about	another guy
Never thought you'd lose touch with	Anne
.
Think Think Think
Where do you want to go to college, for?	Michigan State University, Veterinary Medicine
What do you want to do after college?	Start a Veterinaty practice
Do you want to get married?	yes
HAve kids?	yes
If so, how many?	4
Names?	Sapphire Fox, Aurora Sophia, Jacob Thomas, last one is up for grabs
Age to get married?	after colege
Where would you live?	In the country
What would your job be?	Whatever has horses and money
Would you enjoy working?	yes
Where would the family vacations be?	not sure
Summer home?	wherever I live
.
.
Questions to think about
Are you in love right now?	no
Do you act like it?	sometimes
What would you do if that person died tomorrow?	cry, maybe move on
How would you spend their last night ?	only in my imagination
If you love them, do you always tell them so?	he doesnt know
If not, why ya being so dumb?	forbidden territory
Why do you love them?	I don't
What do they mean to you?	not sure
Why don't you tell them, not us?	already answered
Why aren't you with that person right now?	many reasons
Why don't you pick up the phone?	I don't do well on the phone
Why do people to crazy things for love?	To be happy
Why do you?	To know that I am Alive
.
Beliefs
Do you believe in love?	yes
Why?	I just do
Do you believe in God?	yes
Why?	somebody takes care of us
Do you believe in Faith?	yes
Why?	evrything happens for a reason
Do you believe in Magic?	yes
Why?	There are crazy things out there
Do you believe in Ghosts?	yes
Why?	I can feel them watching me
Do you believe in yourself?	Sometimes
Why?	I have doubts
Do you believe you love him/her for all the right reasons?	no
Why?	Right now its in the beginning
Create a Survey \| Search Surveys \| Go to bzoink!

1 zoos are out of control | If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 8 April :: 9.18 pm
:: Mood: mellow

Men See You As Playful

Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate
You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys
You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities
Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

How Do Men See You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Interesting.... Tell me if this is true

If Giraffes Could Fly.....

:: 2005 7 April :: 11.28 pm
:: Mood: sick

I still got it....

I felt horrible last night. I curled up in to a ball and tried to control the sudden pain in my stomach. I eventually got up and started to move around and felt better but it continued in to today.

I ran at Kent City today. I should have had more for breakfast than a banana but I wasn't all that hungry and the rest of the day I only had a banana muffin and called it good. I have lost 2 pounds and I feel pretty good. It seems though I am starving myself but in reality I am just not very hungry anymore.

Work was actually pretty good. Andrew was a little bitchy but later on when he drove me home he apologized for his mood. I thought that was very nice of him and Steve still doesn't think I can whoop his ass.

and to top it all off apparently I should be "more like a man but keep the looks"

If Giraffes Could Fly.....