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:: 2004 17 March :: 8.11pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Over The Hills And Far Away

What I think of people
As a general rule of my principles, I'm a psudo-Buddhist, so I got a lot of negativity towards deities, a sense that there is no real good or bad, and the idea of precepts appeals more to me than comendments
so my ideas will be messed up in short
I like to hope that there are only a few people and the rest is done with wires and morrors
mainly because I couldn;t cope with 6 billion people in the world, I can barely keep up with the thousand odd I know
People are, as a rule, nothing big, their lives come and go and I don't see why we make a big deal about them, worry so much, even advance or bother to killourselves, it's just pointless
my view on it, just hold onto some kind of mental safty bar and see where life takes you, if it's downhill, find religion, if it's uphill become an atheist, you'll be happier
But it doesn't matter, so why make a big deal about it, lif is life and it comes and goes and for something so short and worthless people make a big deal about it, I could take them if they were a little more detached, if they didn't worry so much, just take it as it comes and worry about the now
for those of you who disagree, tough shit, this is my mind, and for those of you who believe that's good too
The people I can deal with, I grew attached to, I like them because I am human, but I diognose and don't cure, that's why I'm so messed up, and also why I'm kindof open
In short, people should be a little calmer, more detached
and the world could use a few less of them

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.59pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Starry Night, Satriani

It's done
That's all I can thin about for people for now
I need some tea
I'll type my philosophies later tonight, or tomarrow
This was good
Lookin forward to weekend in Chewelea and doin somethin with Cyler next week
So I'll live that long
Night all, to write again another day

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.50pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Oriental Melody, Satriani

Rachel, Nora, Saiki, Cory, Tayler, Teriny, Josh, Andy
Rachel, you're a smart person
kinda alone and good to talk to
talented writer I hear
And I kinda wanna get to know you

Nora, I'm not mute, Monday wasn't my birthday and I don't know why I even put this here

Saiki, You're odd, your life is perfect, rich bastard, just ask ellen out already, or go to tori, jerk, and yet you;re a friend, it's like you're magnetic

Cory, Honestly, you're hot, I like that my derangedness doesn't scare you, you're welcome for the help, whish I could know you beyond the good looks and constant need for science asnwers

Tayler, Almost a decade and we;re just getting to be friends, good person, good luck with the person formerly know as randy now named linus, and best of luck in your good life, just be tayler

Teriny, another sweet, good person, don't let me corrupt you and never take me seriously, it will be your downfall and I don;t want to see that happen to you

Josh, you're tall, you think I'm buff, kinda am I guess, and you're a good guy, but I don't know you to well

Andy, crazy Jewish chellish who looks like Lenin, enough said

Pat, gentel giant is all I can say, you get it and it doesn;t turn you sour, what power you must have, ou'll be fine in this world, just wait and see

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: The Ocean

One Nameless Loved One
You Know who you are and what I think of you, that's all

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: The Ocean

Shanda Gals
We been through a lot
I love ya both, as friends
Wish you the best
Wish I could see ya more
We gotta go down to Florida again
Good times
Good conversations
Good people
Love ya and may ya get the best of life

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.41pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: No Quarter

Cyler
I locked the stuff on Eric
But Cyler
You're the only good guy I know right now
You're great, honest, and smart and I just think you should get more than you do
Take what you can get and get more
I'm glad I can actually help you

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: No Quarter

Logan
Yeah, I barely know you
But ... no other way to say it
you're a nice, sweet girl
I want to know you better
Help you in normal ways
Have just a conversation to find out why you're in my head
And maybe pay you back the favor
Be of some use before I'm gone

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.33pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: D"Yer Mak'er

Raylen Lopez
I don;t even know if I spelled your name right
and I don't really know you that well
but I want to help you, one of the highest on the list
And I wish I could help
Somehow I feel like you are the most like me
And you don't want to be like that
But I don't want to be just another annoying person to you
so I'll do what I'd want
give you space, alone time, let you talk when you need to, and let you work it all out

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.30pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Stairway To Heavenn

Mergz
The funny
The talented
And the one who puzzles me the most
Why are you so hard on yourself?
Why do you take the balme?
Just help me take it away
You don't have to be happy all the time
You don't have to hide
I could accept
I wish I could help, but the door can't be broken
And it seems I will only know you superficially

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.21pm
:: Mood: better
:: Music: Dancin' Days

Paul
I miss you
I don't care what anyone thinks
You had the right to feel the way you did
and you could be touchy and clingy, but you loved and you loved the people around, it's just how you worked
I didn;t know you to well
and I drew away and sometimes I blame myself for that and for you going
I think everyone balmes themselves a little
But I miss you
You were the only one who cared, or joked around, or really treated me like I needed to be treated
And I don't think I was able to help you the few times when you came, but I wish I could have
You were good, you helped me and I couldn't help you
I was callous and I drew away
I was scared of someone taking interest even if it was just
"We gotta get you a girl, Twitch" or "Be funny if a goth got up with a 12 guage and blew him away" or just the "why, why does it happen"
I miss you and I try to be more open now
I really do
thanks for the help, and when I think of what you have dine for me, even if you don't think you did anything, it is the closest I have been to crying as far back as I can remember

2 did | Tell me

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.17pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: The Crunge, same

Concerning Tori
you're great
I don't know what it is, but you've got it in you to love and be loved, and you are loved by many
You seem to have something that I like in you, only as a friend mind you, but you just seem great
I know I can annoy you, and I'm sorry, but I warned you I could be a jackass
But you're just great, a person ... who .... what can I say ........ "Where's the confounded bridge?"
There is no word to sum you up, you're so much and ... wow
I can't describe it

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.10pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Rain Song, Zeppelin

Day 32, been a while
I don't know why I let this sit so long
I just had so much to go through in my head
And know I think I've got it worked out, at least some of it
I don't know if you call it love, but that's the closest thing I have for them, about 10 people, I love you all
I don't think I'm afraid of the pain of suicide, I mean it's just a little cut, momentary, I just don't want to leave you all
I face damnation in any direction, and i'd rather face it with you all, at least you can all help, ... well you can help more than Judus while I rot in the ninth level of hell
I'm gonna write a long one on all the people I care about, not just the ones I love, but the ones I don't hate
And I'll write some stuff about what I've figured out

:: 2004 2 March :: 8.21pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Wake Up, Rage Against The Machine

Day 17
So I'm sittin here
and decide to listen to Wake Up
and update the journal

they're all so sad
so am I, but, I don't know
I settle well
I just don;t even care enough anymore
not even enough to end it all
I mean, I'm gonna burn in hell anyway, about a 1 in 6,000,000 chance that I wont, not to mention couintless cults, sub-religions, native religions, unfound religions, forgotten religions, and even Buddhism
I'm a bad man, so why end it, on this side is torment and on that side is torment, though there's maybe a lesser chance of torment on the other side ... hum
I don't even believe in any of that
so why bring it up
oh well, outta enery
just keep a logical view and you'll never do anything I guess
logic sucks
so does life I guess
... shit here comes the logic
I go now

:: 2004 29 February :: 12.02am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Cabron, RHCP

Day 15
which it almost is
and now the annoyance is over

:: 2004 29 February :: 12.01am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Cabron, RHCP

Day 15
until this song is over

:: 2004 29 February :: 12.01am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Cabron, RHCP

Day 15
I will make several entries

:: 2004 29 February :: 12.01am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Cabron, RHCP

Day 15
in celebration of a new day

:: 2004 28 February :: 11.21pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: none

Day 14
we made a deal
to help eachother
and we'll do it
I think we understand eachother
maybe just a little
and we can help eachother
life might get better

:: 2004 27 February :: 8.00pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: none

Day 13
wow ... that didn't work well

:: 2004 27 February :: 7.52pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: none

Day 13
................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ filler

:: 2004 26 February :: 9.43pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Zypher Song, Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Day 12
Missed Day 11 ... oh well

yeah I know the RHCP aren't that good, but just bought the CD "By The Way", mainly for Can't Stop and By The Way. RHCP are a little more .... how you say .... uplifting and .... I wanna say .... no, let's be confusing ... quixotic, than what I usually listen to, but sometimes I need a little softer ... easier and lighter stuff, to maintain sanity ...

so, where this was goin in the first place, checked out the new Hastings, finally. Paid off my debt and found some cash, got new headphones and ... the CD mentioned before. .... Not that I don't have money, I just don't like takin it out ... it's there if I ever really need it ... if anyone else really needs it. It's a help fund I put almost everythin I get into, which isn't much usually, so I live off the scraps ... the little things I keep around. Why did I just say all that ...

Well, so, making note .... need CD's: Kill 'em All, Metallica Wishkah, Nirvana Lithium Single, Nirvana Wheezer, Wheezer Tommy, The Who Odalay, Beck Maybe some Misfits, Ramones, Rancid????

need cash first .... now that my monatary situation is over in my head

side by side
but estranged by feet
both similar
and endlessly different
silent
and hopefully understanding
and I care

hope that got the message across

she's readin it right now I bet, hope it doesn't offend her ... mighta've screwed it all up with that

oh well, there's food

:: 2004 24 February :: 8.10pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Unforgiven II, Metallica

Day 10
I feel like I've done something wrong
Something to make them all do this

.... something bad is going to happen
something very bad .... very very bad, for me or for them, but something bad ... and it's gonna hurt

................................ I fell like shit

:: 2004 23 February :: 8.54pm
:: Mood: working
:: Music: The Unforgiven II, Metallica

Day 9
movin downstairs
into the main room
it had no use but my own devious plans
gotta do a speech tomarrow ... sucks
she seemed really sad today, and I can't help but think it was me ... or him ... that was the problem
hurts me to see her like that
she shouldn't have to feel like that, not now
it hurts me to see any of them like that ... it really hurts
and I wish I could help
but I know I can't
some I can't help, some I won't and ... some won't let me

heh
Blake: "Hey ... you look really creepy today."

... but I don't know why I want to help, why I want to help .......
But I want to .... it really hurts me to see their pain... and I want to take the metaphorical dead weight off their backs ... I want to help them by taking on the pain myself
Helping them hide, helping them cope, helping them run, helping them confront ...
maybe I just don't want them to end up like me ..............................................................

Shit ... I need help and I want to help them ... I'll fall soon ... and maybe things will be better without me

:: 2004 22 February :: 1.10pm
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: Back In Black

Day 8
Ah shit my foot hurts
In fact, my leg hurts
I feel like shit and this place smells like shit
Yes, I'm irritated
And in slight discomfort
And something is nagging me in the back of my mind
It may slowly drive me insane, and that pisses me off
Bad day
ow ... shit that hurts

:: 2004 21 February :: 10.45am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: none

Day ... same as last entry
"Maybe I just can't understand emotion"

"No, you just don't want to feel"

Maybe you were right
You were right
And I backed away
Because you were the only one who really cared, and it scared me
And now I might never see you again ... and you can never help me again
I miss you
I don't care about how it sounds or what everyone else thinks
I miss you and I may never find another person who really cares
I miss you and no matter what you think I actually cared about you .. but you scared me when you took an interest and I backed away and now you're gone

:: 2004 21 April :: 9.48am
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: Can't Stop, Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Day 7
got another question thing
i think I'm so bored I'll fill it out
[1 minute ago] found this in inbox
[1 hour ago] rolled out of bed and counted up from the last holiday to figure out what day it was
[1 day ago] sitting in English
[1 year ago]. Still hated valentines day
[words to decribe the situation of now] want sleep ... gimme sleep brain
[things I want] ... to help (see last entry)
[songs listened to] All my Metallica and Red Hot Chilli Peppers
[windows open] earthlink and media player
[things around the computer] the floor, some cords, trench coat, a cd or two
[thoughts of now] I feel weak and I feel like crap
[e-mails] spam and chain mail
[lyric] tried to say I'd be there waiting for
[people online]none
[people away] none
[people idle] none (not even on myself ... oh I am, now I'm not)
[random] wrenching pain and a monkey
[Spell your name backwards] ... hctiwt
[Where do you live?] Washington
[Describe yourself in three words] useful, lonely, messed up
[Who is your worst enemy?] anyone I don't like ... about 6 billion of them
[If you could have ANY animal for a pet, what would it be?] just a dog
[Have you ever used a spork?] yeah
Do you even know what a spork is?] that thing you use for the stuff, right?
[What is the latest you've ever stayed up?] somewhere over 50 hours
[Ever been to Belgium?] been over it if it counts
[brush] twice a day and my breath still sucks
[toothbrush] crest
[jewelry worn daily] celtic necklacce that no one ever sees cause I wear shirts that hisde it
[pillow cover] I have a pillow?
[blanket] green sleeping bag right now
[coffee cup] not a coffee person
[sunglasses] very Matrix, make me look like neo
[underwear] ... um ... yeah
[shoes] combat boots
[nail polish] none
[handbag] laptop case
[favourite top] black chambray
[favourite pants] black jeans
favorite perfume] none
CD in stereo right now] listenin to stuff on media player
tatoos] none
[piercings] none
[current music] Red Hot Chilli Peppers
[wearing] black bathrobe
[hair] black and messy, kinda longish, can get it to look really freaky
[makeup] none
[in my mouth] my horrid breath ... gotta go brush my teeth
[in my head] depression batteling with sanity
[after this] go to Will's ranch, look over the horse and plan the office hours

:: 2004 20 April :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana

Day 6
I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help.

And I don't know why. Who'll help me.
I want to help them all, make the pain go away, but I can't.
For some reason I wish all their pain on me, like I deserve it, like they should be happy and I should have the weight of all that is ... evil ... on my shoulders.

I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help.

I really do. And I don't know why. I know I'll break down too. And I know no one wants to help me. I know I'll be all alone when I break down. And I know it's all my fault.
And I know that I have to be at least slightly strong, or I'll never last. But I'm weak.
I've been hangin on by a thread for so long. And I don't think anyone can save me. Maybe I want to do one last good thing before I go down. Maybe I won't let anyone help me. Maybe it's all about redemption for being me.
If you read this, don't let it change what you think of me. I'm still the same stoic me you know, or whatever you think of me ... but I know I'm goin down alone, I accept that .... and before I go

I want to help.
I just want to do whatever I can for the few people I care for, you know who you are.
I know I might not be able to help. But I want to. If there is something I can do to at least take some of the pain from at least one of you ...
I want to help.

I really want to help and I don't know why.

:: 2004 20 February :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: mischievous
:: Music: Lithium

Day 6
Sweet new trench coat ... oh yeah
love my glasses to
...... shit, I'm turnin into the Matrix
eh, gotta do somethin tomarrow
oh well
decent day
loves my new coat

:: 2004 19 April :: 9.00pm
:: Music: none

Day 5 again
Wonder if I left all those years on 2002 .... whatever
funny thing:
T=Twitch C=Cory
T "Why don't you get the answers of someone else?"
C "(points at anya) stupid, (points at Matt) never talks, besides he gets the answers from you anyway. Besides, you're deranged like me."
Thanks Cory, one of the best compliments all week. Yeah, guess people are beginnin to warm up to me.
... eh

:: 2004 19 February :: 7.40am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: damn clock ticking

Day 5
Missed day 4
Oh well, had stuff to do
Went to honor roll reception
Played at it, and sucked
Not much else to say
I'm beginning to feel like shit for reasons I don't know, maybe just the depression ... oh well

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