:: 2004 16 May :: 1.31 pm
:: Mood: bored

hooker dance
that's my subject because rachel just said that in the background. yeah, i'm in the auditorium booth right now. woo. yeah working for productions....grrrrrrr....

anywho...for those of you who went to prom ha! sucks to be you! i bet you wanted to be with me and patrice on our awesome date.

1 persons said it | who said that?

:: 2004 13 May :: 2.02 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: "this irresistable paris original i'm wearing tonight"

2 persons said it | who said that?

:: 2004 1 May :: 1.20 am

i wish i could tell someone....i suppose i could...but i'm too afraid to. they might get the wrong impression....well....more like they'll either not care at all or overreact.

4 persons said it | who said that?

:: 2004 29 April :: 1.49 am
:: Mood: blank

math sucks
alright...i'm updating since i haven't in about 10 days. so...what's new with me?
i'm running for junior class vice-president so all you sophomores reading this....VOTE FOR ME!!! i think i'm actually running against people this year...except i don't know who they are. i remember last year i didn't run against anyone so as long as i got votes i got it. so everyone vote for me!!

um...what else....
oh yeah...i apologize to everyone who saw me yesterday (tuesday). i wasn't very happy. from the moment i stepped out of my house til around 5th period...all i wanted to do was crawl up in the bathroom stall and cry. but whatever...

i'm gonna go ...i'll update with more details some other day...maybe tomorrow.

Goodnight.
always, Sandy

who said that?

:: 2004 19 April :: 1.26 am
:: Mood: contemplative

love is....
please answer the following questions....

1. Do you believe in 'love at first sight'?
2. What is love?
3 Do you believe in love?

Thanks. Oh yeah if you wanna know my opinion:
1. no
2. you tell me
3. i suppose

Always, Sandy

9 persons said it | who said that?

:: 2004 17 April :: 6.11 pm
:: Mood: bored

it's a beautiful day
it's too nice outside to be sitting at home. so don't be like me and sit around at home. i wish i could find my rollarblades...but i can't. i wanna go rollarblading so badly. rollarblading is so awesome. i guess i could ride my bike but it's not the same. or i guess i could go running but it's not the same and running will make me more tired than rollarblading.

i wish i had a car. so i could just go out and do something. or just drive around. argh. last night i visited my old neighborhood (which as far away as deerpath is from my current home) and wow so many memories. everything looks so much smaller than it did 5 years ago. probably because i was 5 years younger and a lot smaller as well. well maybe i will go running. but, er, i don't know. argh.

i'll go find something to do to entertain myself. i have almost no homework this weekend so i don't even have schoolwork to occupy me. ::sgih::

always, Sandy

1 persons said it | who said that?

:: 2004 12 April :: 12.40 am
:: Mood: full

full stomach
i need to control the amount of food i consume. and, no, this isn't another "i'm fat" entry. today's entry is based on how i should find some other comfort thing to turn to instead of opening up a bag of pretzels and stuffing my face. i'll eat and eat to keep my mind off things. i hate staying at home. i always have a family member around and stuff and so i guess i don't feel "alone" but i do. i wanna talk to my parents about my future. so badly. i wanna tell them "ok, this is what i wanna do and i want you to support me". i can't even get them to give their opinion on my schedule for school so how am i supposed to confront them about what i wanna do for the rest of my life? yeah, they say that whatever decisions i make they'll stand beside me all the way but i want some input. i don't want it all to be me. i have to start having an attitude where i look at things asking questions like "what if this DOES happen" or "if i do this will i be more successful" rather than "what if this fails" or "what if i'm not strong enough". the pessimistic side of me is stronger when it comes to making decisions for the future. i know what i want but i don't know how supportive my parents would be. i know my relatives would be estactic...especially my aunt. she would probably do so much in her power to me be successful. my parents? i'm not so sure. they'll be "proud" but won't show it. i want just for once for them to tell me that they're proud. you know they don't believe in hugs? my mom thinks it would be embarassing for me if she tried to give me a hug in public. i cried so much after any show because my mom would say hi then walk away and go home. she thinks it's the good thing to do...so i don't have a parent around when hanging out with friends. it's great that she understands "teenagers" but i wish she would stop. she won't even hug me for God's sake! joseph performances...let's see...she didn't even touch me until the second night after seeing me give everyone hugs. after the second performance she came up to me give me a hug. i think first time, ever. she didn't do anything the nights after that. i remember after one acts one night, i went out in the foyer after the performance to look for my mom becausei knew she was there and i couldn't find her. so i called and asked where she was...because maybe i couldn't find her among the large group of people. she told me she was halfway home. yeah. that sucked. of course i cried. at least say hi to your fucking daughter. i promise she won't get embarassed for having her mom say hi to her. God!@ you know she never taped my band concerts because she thought i would be embarassed? she did it for all my brothers. not me. nope. i told her today that i finally changed my schedule and she said ok, it's your decision. God mother, tell me whether you agree or not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish she would've treated me my own age rather than someone who's older. when i was 7 she treated me like a 12 year old. yeah all of you reading this might be thinking wow she's lucky to have parents treat her like she's an adult. i hate it. so much. this has been my life and i don't go to my family for support anymore. not that i ever have. i look to others for love. it's not often that i find it elsewhere. every once in awhile. but whatever. that's just how it works. i give more than i reveive and i don't mind. i love being the "back-up" friend. i really do. at least for that much time i know i'm thought of. whatever.

i need to study. i've left it off long enough. goodnight.

Always, Sandy

who said that?

:: 2004 11 April :: 2.38 am

i feel disgusting. i'm disgusted by the way i look. i look disgusting. i'm disgusted with myself. i need to grow up.

what is it that i truly want? i already know. please don't crush my dreams. you have no right to destroy the dream that i will achieve. i know what i want and i will work my ass off until i get what i want. i will be successful you just watch.

3 persons said it | who said that?

:: 2004 6 April :: 5.16 am
:: Mood: tired

A Raisin in the Sun
As soon as I got home from crew, I just went to bed. I needed to my eyes were just burning. I'd only gotten literally 2 hours of sleep the night before. I was just thinking about the future. What I could be doing, things I plan on doing, things I should be doing. This summer's gonna be insane. So I had this crazy idea that I wanted to do that requires me to do some work on it to prepare it. I was all excited for it last night but I thought about it this morning on the way to school...I don't know if it's all that great anymore. But whatever....I have A LOT of time left.

There's a math quiz tomorrow and I'm screwed. I'm really bad at these identities. I understand how to do it and everything. But I get stuck on certain steps and I don't see how to do it until someone shows me. And that's why I'm screwed for the test. Sections 4.1-4.2 in Trig. Yuck.

I don't have much more to write. Oh yeah my mom woke me up 20 minutes ago so I could do my homework. I'm so glad she did because I probably would've waken up at 6 and realize that I got none of my homework done (which I guess I could finish at school...I realized there's nothing too difficult tonight) but I really need to study for my trig quiz and 20 minutes won't do it. Yes, I've done it before. Studying for math is entirely possible. I studied 3 hours for a single test one time and that still wasn't enough. Ha. And for finals I don't even remember how many hours I studied for that and I can tell you probably need all the fingers on both your hands to count...maybe some toes. And that was definatly not enough studying for finals.

Maybe I should shut up and actually go study. Good morning...most of you should be waking in a couple hours.

Always, Sandy

4 persons said it | who said that?

:: 2004 5 April :: 12.41 am

"goodbye to you
goodbye to everything i thought i knew
you were the one i loved
the one thing that i tried to hold on to..."

but it's all over now....twas just a memory....but i am happy for you. you deserved it.

(don't worry about it you guys...you don't know him...right now he's in a different state)

Always, Sandy

who said that?

:: 2004 4 April :: 10.42 pm
:: Mood: yeah....

yeah....
Um, school starts tomorrow. Yay.....
I don't think I really want to go back. Well I do but just so I can get outta the house and it would be something for me to do. Other than that, I don't want to go back. Sure there's the whole thing with seeing people but I don't think I really want to see anyone. At least not anyone I didn't see over spring break. Just, I don't know. I don't really want to see people people. Like people I normally don't see. Never mind. There's no point in explaining.

I'll just go.

Always, Sandy

who said that?

:: 2004 4 April :: 8.14 pm
:: Mood: full

sour green apple
I feel like reading Harry Potter. I love Harry Potter. And the third one's coming out real soon...I'm so excited. It comes out I think day after school's over or something...I have to check again.

It was really wierd the last couple of days. So...Friday night I couldn't fall asleep. I finally did at around 5 in the morning (literally). Some random thoughts ran through my head and er..I did a lot of crying. But it felt good because, this is gonna sound wierd, but I wanted to cry. Because I had this suffocation that couldy only be relieved through tears. I watched Moulin Rouge because that movie normally does it but the parts that I did have patience to sit through (I'm having a lot of trouble just watching a movie these days..no matter how much I love it) just made me feel very...I don't know how to describe it but it basically didn't feel good. So I gave up on watching movies for the night (I was also planning on watching A Walk To Remember...that movie easily can solve my desire to cry). So I started listening to all my old CD's (well parts of them at least). Like I was listening to Nsync and Backstreet Boys. Then I started remembering things from the past. And thinking back to last year made me cry so much. It reminded me of a friend of mine who's currenly in California at the moment. He should be coming back in a month or so when everyone else in college gets out for summer break. I was just thinking of the day he left and how much I cried that day. I know a couple of my friends from school met him and think he's a little strange because he's very outgoing and not afraid of talking to someone who's a complete stranger. But I don't care. And I remember listening to the entire 2nd Michelle Branch CD just bawling the night before he went off to college because every single song reminded me of him. And as corny as that probably sounded, it's true. I never understood how songs could remind you of different people until that moment. Like, yeah, a lot of songs reminded me of myself and how I was feeling and shit but I'd never thought of someone else. ::sigh:: And then yesterday I went to go watch Jersey Girl (which btw is an excellent movie and I recommend it...it's not your typical chick flick so it's good) and there was a part where the girl was crying because of a guy and it was really really wierd. Because I'd experience that exact moment last summer just not in the porno section of a videostore ;-). I was so freaked out because I was thinking about that same thing the night before and I saw it on screen the next night. I wanted to start bawling but held myself back because yeah, people make fun of others for crying which pisses me off. And no matter because I think Patrice did the bawling for me ;-). Yeah so last night I wasn't really in the mood to be all chipper because I was just very mellowed out from all the reminicing.

Alright, enought updating for now. I'm gonna go try to find an excuse to get out of the house and just drive. Because that's exactly what I want to do...just drive with no destination. Maybe I'll go to Barnes and Noble and browse through some books and besides they have a Starbucks there :-P

Always, Sandy

who said that?

:: 2004 3 April :: 12.56 am
:: Mood: full

kleenex box
The only reason why my subject is "kleenex box" is because one happens to be sitting right next to me.

Alright, so today started out being lazy (along with every other day this spring break) and Lisa called so I was like hey we should go watch The Prince and Me. Personally I thought it was a cute movie but then again I am one to favor chick flicks so...but I thought they could've done a better job with part of the story line. It was cute and all but some things (like most movies were obvious). So if you're someone who enjoy movies like this...I recommend it. Haha...yet again another movie I cried in. Not as much though. Like during part of the movie I cried a little. No surprise though considering I cry in almost every movie I see. Oh yes, and guess what? I went to Caribou....AGAIN!! Gasp! Let's see...today was the...um...i think the 7th night I've gone to Caribou during spring break. I think every night except Monday. They even know what drink I want! But today it wasn't my idea to go :-) I even surprised them by ordering a different drink gasp again! But anyway....the movie...you know what I decided? No more being interested in guys. Yeah? I like it. I would say no more guys...but...I guess that technically doesn't make sense because yeah....I haven't really had a real boyfriend yet...::hides:: Well, I went out with one guy for about a week in 7th grade...but I don't really count that and hardly anyone knows (well I guess most people will know since I'm posting that little information about me..gr). After making a complete idiot out of myself, I've decided I just don't care about guys anymore. Where's the point? I have other things I want to concentrate on. And besides I'm not desperate for a boyfriend either. I'm actually not. After so many years of observing various relationships....I figure not yet. Hehe. ::sigh:: Moving on...

So yeah...I'm feeling very yucky right now...like physically. Much like my mood says...I feel very full. And gross. But it's kinda late to take a shower and besides I already took one today. Hehe.

Always, Sandy

2 persons said it | who said that?

:: 2004 2 April :: 12.23 am
:: Mood: crushed

you don't remember me
but i remember you
i lie awake and try so hard
not to think of you
but who can decide what they dream?
and dream i do....

i feel like an idiot.

who said that?

:: 2004 1 April :: 5.43 pm
:: Mood: cranky

being brave sucks
so much for being confident. I think I just screwed myself over by being brave and picking up the phone. I mean, no, I'm a genius right? no no no no ::shakes head:: not me. never me. I love my luck. What did I say? With my luck anything I do will screw me over. ::sigh:: I guess I'm just gonna have to see. shit shitst hsit

Always, Sandy

note to self: never take a chance again....well not for a looooooong time.

who said that?