*~ Happy anniversary to me ... i did not get to see my boyfriend. Sad anniversary to me ... :( but i wanted to update since i have not in several days, unless you count changing that one entry. bye guys.~*

*~i made it. and i am still as infatuated with you as ever. maybe more. and you ? hardly. do you still think of me constantly like you used to ? when i first met you, i wished on the moon, because it’s always there, and the stars aren’t. but the moon has made it’s cycle … i think you have too. i hope not. more than anything i want you to look me in the eyes, and let me see that you really do want me, and will continue to. let me know that these feeling i have are being returned, and not wasted. so i will wish on my lucky stars, because the moon doesn’t seem to work for me, and maybe this friday all my dreams will come true.~*

*~i will never be able to forgive you. i will always harbor this bitter resentment left over from the wound you cut so deep into my heart. but i love you. the anger i contained masked my love, and for a long time, i didn’t realize it. things change. i am beginning to see that there is more to you than just the things i hate you for. all the elements of the past, lost in a pile of old clothes and photographs. the times you were there for me. made me feel cherished. told me i was beautiful inside and out, and that anybody would be lucky to be graced with one of my smiles, at times where i was at my lowest. named reason after reason for me to live when i could no longer find one. so many wonderful times that i lost sight of because of the fury that i held within. everybody makes mistakes, some larger than others. i will forever remember your mistakes, but everybody deserves a second ... or third chance.~*

*~remembering seems to be all that i have.~*

Q: What happens when you bring exotic animals to a school assembly ?

A: There is panda-monium.

*~the scene is perfect, and the situational irony will never cease to amaze me. i finally found somebody ; somebody that i will never tire of, that i could see every second of every day and still crave more, and yet, i still do not have what i want. if only i lived a little farther north. if only i had my license just a little sooner. then maybe my thirst for you could finally be quenched. why do you have to be so irresistible ? maybe if you had a flaw or two, i could be stronger, but you don’t, and i can’t. the only thing keeping me from walking out the door and into your heart is the belief that maybe you don’t want me there as badly as i want to be there. but if you give me the comfort i long for, and a minute to slip on my shoes, i will be there at your side for as long as you will let me stay.~*

*~chase away these fears of mine forever. it seems i will never be without them. i hate it. i hate not being able to accept your “i love you”s for what they are – expressions of affection – without having the doubt in the back of my mind that you are leading me on. it seems the only times that i am truly happy are when i am with you and these thoughts slip away, but the second you leave they come back to haunt me, and i spend my sleepless nights contemplating what i can possibly do to assure my place in your heart. is there anything ? anything at all that would guarantee that you would never leave my side ? “i’d go through hell for you” … even more so if it meant that i could rest peacefully, reassured that i would wake up from dreams of you to the blissful reality that would await.~*

*~the best moment in my life occurred this morning, when you proved wrong all the doubts in my mind. seeing your name on the caller ID made my heart stop. not knowing whether you were calling to prove me wrong or right had my whole body cold. answering fearfully, hoping i would not break down. disenchantment forcing me to forget how excellent you are, to make this easier on myself. your words bring it all back, and my whole face lights up in the smile that never leaves my lips when i am talking to you. i don’t even know how to phrase these thoughts running through my head. and i will never understand how one simple phone call can so drastically alter my whole life. maybe because you are my life. and knowing that makes me the happiest girl in the world.~*

*~maybe he’s better off with her. or any of them. anybody but me. i wish i could understand the injustices of life. how i can finally let somebody in, giving up all my beliefs, and have them not care. be under the impression that this is all worth it, and have them see it completely differently. i should have known. it should have been a warning to me that my good friends were all put in the same position as me, but with different results. i thought with my heart instead of my head and it left me sitting here with tear-stained cheeks and a shattered heart. there is nothing left to be said. when i avoided all this, even without knowing what devastating conclusions it would come to, it was the smartest thing i have ever thought to do. but what’s done is done, and nothing else can be done to change the outcome of this situation. tonight came and went, and was everything i never wanted it to be, but saw coming a mile away. if only i could have not gone through this. not have had my heart ripped out, one piece at a time. just not have a heart, like before. because i thought it was worth all the pain in the world, until all the pain in the world was slowly applied to me and i realized how truly overwhelming it is.~*

there are no better lyrics for this situation:
"close-lipped, another good night kiss is robbed of all its passion. your grip, another time is slack, it leaves me feeling empty. please tell me you're just feeling tired, cos if it's more than that, i feel that i might break."

* * * * * i just want to say, i am very excited that i found a great font. and the stars actually look like stars. and i also found a picture, and my journal is just super great. i am a pimp, yo. and marc ... i love you more than anything, please love me, please ? * * * * *

*~in the blink of an eye, everything i thought was pure and good turned upside down, leaving me jaded. so badly i prayed not to hurt anyone, to not let myself be the bad one. the roles were reversed, and i am feeling what i inflicted on others. i don’t know whether to be thankful or just cry myself to sleep, for the pain is so bad. it has come to this. i was right to avoid it, to not let myself be pulled into this trap. but now i am stuck here, with nobody to pull me out. so i will sink further and further into oblivion, and wish i had not been love struck enough to have fallen into this hole in the first place.~*

*~your reassurance is not enough for me. i want to see you, to hold you, to feel the love that you promise me is there. i can't wait any longer … i need you now. if walking is what it takes, so be it. i would walk for the rest of my life if it meant you would be waiting at the end. i check my watch for the third time this minute, but the end of the night is no closer. will it ever be friday ?~*

*~as I sit here, my thoughts are plagued with doubt. something is amiss, and all I want is for things to feel right again. insecurities i thought were gone rise up again the instant you turn away, and all i want is to never let you leave. the situation i was most scared of turned out to be the one i can not live without … and i fear i am losing it for reasons unknown. i let my guard down, only to be let down in the end. such highs and lows in such a short period of time that i worry my heart can only take so much. the fluctuations will kill it, and i will remain as i was before; never truly content. why did you take me into this exquisite paradise only to remove me from it the second i saw its true beauty ? i can not live in this world of black and white when I know what lies in another, but i can not be transported there without you, and you do not want to be there with me.~*

2-24-02
*~overcome by emotion with your gentle touch; your loving caress. you take my hand and my heart bursts with joy. sitting in the car, hand in hand. there is no need for words, as long as you feel how i do. that i could never let you go. sin ti no puedo vivir. te daria mi vida si te quedas con migo solo un segundo mas. mi corazon es dedicado a ti, y sin ti me quedaria muerta, sin razon para vivir. acostado junto a ti, no puedo pedir nada mas, porque tu eres mi todo; lo unico que necesito por siempre.~*

for marc, the translation :
*~without you, i can not live. i would give you my life if you stay with me only one second longer. my heart is dedicated to you, and without you i would be dead, without a reason for living. lying next to you, i can not ask for anything else, because you are my everything; the only thing i need for always.~*

1-27-02
*~i want to feel like i did that day, when you looked me in the eyes and, without a word, told me i was the prettiest girl in the world. that i was all that mattered, or ever would matter to you. i want you to take my hand in yours and remind me that you can't live without me, and i am amazing. please just put your arms around my waist and show me that you can't see how anybody could ever give me up. i have never felt your kiss, but i long to, because everything i wish you thought of me is true about you.~*

1-27-02
*~one week is too long before i can see you again. even one minutes is too much. the distance kills me. run away with me, and we will never be apart. i could see you every day, every minute, every second, for all eternity. even then, it will not be enough time to take you all in. i wish i could be with you ... my troubles would float away ... everything would disappear but you. alone is our own seperate world together. i would give anything to see you now ... i'm sorry if i'm bothering you. i just wanted to hear you breathe.~*