1-27-02
*~i sneak a glance at you and hope you do not see me. i know you will, but i can't help it. looking in your eyes, they go on forever. i wish this night would. lying next to you like i have known you forever. i wish i had. if only i had met you sooner, then my life would have been wonderful from the start. i am drawn to you, wanting to press my lips to yours. i wish you would. i can't get enough of you. i wish i could kiss you. desire consumes me, but i do not move so as not to ruin this perfect moment. frozen in place by this magical feeling. lying next to you, stealing glances, and maybe one day, kisses.~*

1-19-02
*~i look down at my hands to avoid looking at a world which, before my very eyes, is crumbling. i can not keep up this smile any longer. time and time again, my scares have not even begun to heal when they are reopened and i am hurt again. i thought i had built an immunity because for so long i let it all smile. but it hurts so bad ... i just want it all to end.~*

1-17-02
*~my hopes rose so high when you asked for my number. dizzy with elation, i thought my heart would burst. it did burst today, for adverse reasons. waiting by the phone for hours so longingly, hopefully, only to be disappointed again and again with each new ring. expecting a sweet apology for the long wait, which will never come, because i never got that call. one call that means so much. my heart pounds wildly at the mere mention of your name ... do you still remember mine ?~*

1-15-02
*~you rinse your coffee cup and smile affectionately but i will never again return that smile. for i know that it is lies; a disguise to hide what you concealed for so long. pure hatred, anger, coarses through my viens. sixteen years of respect down the drain with your morning coffee. night after night of drinking binges, with you locked in your office, passed out, or talking to your whore. taking my hand or loving glances will have no effect because for one year, you went through the motions emotionless.~*

1-13-02
*~i need you to stop talking; need to stop hearing the pain in your voice. it is all my fault, but there is nothing i can do. you reach over and take my hand. i know you yearn for my touch ... i also know we will never be. i knew from the start - why did i let this continue ? i can't take it, can't listen to you, when i know there is no solution, only problems. please stop. i need your understanding. if only i had been strong and resisted temptation. but it felt so right to feel your arms around me. i can not keep this up. leading you on, then breaking your heart. this is the last time we will talk, because neither of us should take this anymore.~*

12-26-01
haha, i use the word contemplative, and that is my mood. okay, here.
*~watching what you do. your laugh, your smile, your quiet, contemplative look. but tearing my eyes away out of fear that you will see me yearning for you. though you do not see it, i do. your true beauty; the wondrousness of your ways. how you bring a smile to my face. joy to a world in which i thought it had ceased to exist. walking out, i long to turn back. to take your hand, hold you close, and feel your lips upon mine. but it will never be. i have done nothing to deserve you ... and you are too good to deserve me.~*

12-26-01
*~talk to me. tell me what i can do to evoke those feelings from before ... before you walked out of my life and took with you my chance for happiness. you're perfect in every way. inside and out - nothing more i could ask. but wait, one thing. just take my heart as a token of my love. please do not return it, as i have no use for it anymore. for you are all i want. but there is nothing i can do. you are sure of what you want, and nothing i say could make any difference at all. though what you say makes all the difference in the world to me.~*

11-19-01
*~i wonder if they can see the black soul i hold within. on the surface i am fine. always perfect, always a smile. but inside i am not. what can help me ? an emotionless nothing. no true happiness. the only joy i find is that which can never be mine. one of life's little ironies we lauigh about, but tears us apart inside. defense mechanisms in place, we fight out daily battle. masks to cover us; protect our most valuable part. our true self, which we can cover so no one can see how we are dying inside, dying for something, someone to be with. dying for affection. desperately holding onto what we have, barely in our grasp, praying we don't lost it. and dying when we do ... we always do.*~

1-28-02
*~i look over casually and notice you watching me. you quickly glance elsewhere ... i am sorry ... like you could not believe. i told you what i wanted. we agreed it was for the best. so why did you cry ? why did you get hurt ? how could i let myself hurt you ? that was what i was trying to avoid but it happened anyway. and i now i do not know how to tell you - if i should tell you - that i found someone to be with. i wish i could go back to that night this all started and change something, anything. so that the outcome would be different. anything to not make you cry. you never cry. i am not worth crying over. please do not put me in this position. i thought you knew. i thought everything was okay. you were my best friend. please do not take that from me ... stay with me ... i will never hurt you again.~*

so i finally decided to create a journal, even though i doubt anybody will read it at all, except marc maybe. te amo mi vida :)... but i want someplace to post my writing, and get anonymous comments to see if i really suck as much as i think i do, or hopefully, not. here is my first one, then i will post more of my past writing that i believe is half decent. this is from yesterday. i told marc i would write him something, so i did.
*~The night replays over and over in my head. That night that I held you in my arms forever. Lying there wrapped up in you … I would give you the world if I could have that night back. But right now you are so far, and I sit here alone, picturing your eyes, your hands, your smile. The way you seemed to feel the same things I felt. Lying content in a perfect world where you and I existed alone, free from the distractions of everyday life. Holding on to you so tight I thought my arms would break the way my heart would if you ever let me go.~*