Rainy Days and Mondays
My car was the only one left in the lonely parking lot on this wonderfully raining, first Monday back after break, first of the fourth quarter day.


I was pretty happy on my way home.. since I was going home.
Now I'm pissed off. Twin promised me several times I was first on the list for this month for Korbats and what do I find? Top of the High Score: Atryeu: 15,754. We were even chatting when Twin was earning her that. I was ONLINE damnit! Liars.
She has a shiny new trophy now. I really am happy for her.


The parents..... don't get me started. They really can't handle anything.


Hmm.... did forget to say, that since that hugely open post and the answering of any questions asked, I was dazed for days. Still can't write a story and haven't updated my journal for the longest time.. It's sad, really.


Dear goodness the thoughts that've crossed my mind.. Boy, do I like to jump moods quickly. I think I'm actually quite dizzy from it. Whew!


That man who died today.. the playwright.. hmm.. what was his name..
Ah well, he's my new hero.
Because of everything he did in his life and everything he accomplished.


Kay.. can't remember what else I was going to write.. I hope everyone was pleased with the circularness and illusion to indefinite things written above.

To those who'd wish to see me lament further, they can not comprehend how deeply I am hurt and if they wish this, then they do no understand me as they can not see how I display my pain. Loveliness. I will certainly continue to lament in whatever consolant silence the echoes give me. And please, allow me to take all the blame and guilt since I am, as of now, not able to actually talk to those I should. Tried, but can't. It makes things easier on all parties if they just give it all to me and can then get over it.

take up space. that's all I really do anyway.
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Yeah........ once I figure out what to say... I'll post again..... yeah.

love-lies-bleeding
Well I tried to talk about it and me to someone. I tried. But they didn't want to hear about it. It hurt them or whatnot.
How does this not further my thinking?
They have enough to deal with with themselves and the problems of their close close friends. Why should I add my problems to theirs?

I had this all in my head to write here... and now I've blanked again. I always blank when I try and talk about the things on my mind. Not purposefully mind you, I guess it's a defense mechanism. So... when I have talked to anyone about what goes on in my head or how I feel or the like, I hope you appreciated it in the fact that I had to fight a lot of things to get that out and it did nearly kill me each time.
But that doesn't matter now does it?

Let me see..
Oh! Okay, random order now:

Kissing. You know what I find interesting is that one of the things I just could not do or I guess 'handle' is the thing that has been latched on to and used most against me. To me, kissing is on the lips. The act of kissing. A kiss on the cheek or whatnot is a kiss yes, but it's not kissing. Either way. I have not kissed anyone. And when I was kissed on the cheek, my mind completely blanked. Yeah, I had no reaction and felt nothing. All emotions and thoughts stopped. I was completely blank.
That sound like fun?

What else.....
I do trust you few people I really counted as friends. Trust has little to do with my lack of being able to talk with you. Perhaps in some high unconscious level it limited me. I guess it did.. but on the conscious level I deeply trusted my friends.
No, I never did see how little I returned the level of trust that I asked of each of you. It never registered in my mind that I wasn't giving the same that I asked. Perhaps if it did hurt each of you so much, you may have thought to point that out to me a bit earlier.

And this..
Yeah. Let's see how much further I can open myself up here before I snap.

The only way I feel worth something at all is if I'm helping someone. If I can give them good advice or help them in some way, then I'm worth something. But if I can't help them, they don't see me worth something to go to for help, or I hurt someone, then I'm not worth damn shit. Then if I'm fucking worthless, what's the point in me being here?

I see myself as pretty worthless. Yeah, give me a ladder and I probably would place myself around or below complete strangers. I have exteremely low self-confidence. I've known that. I could assume reasons why. I don't see why people would want to be friends with me if it wasn't for the fact that I help them. I know for a fact that's the only reason a few people are my 'friends.'

If an actual friendship is where both people can talk to each other about anything on their minds or anything going on or anything that they feel, then I've deluded myself once again. I see a recurrent theme from middle school. Think you have actual friends... but it's really just a lie. I guess I'm blind huh? But this time I prefer to pop the bubble and find reality before the years are over. Lovely. I especially like how I've screwed some friendships in the last month I have left with them. Why wait to let them wane slowly over years when I can sever them brutally right now?
The way I see it I've two options... open myself till I snap and tell everyone everything. Or cement myself inside my shell.
Black and White. Damnit.


I was completely lost and confused. I chose the best option I could think of that would hopefully not make matters worse. What do you ask of me? To not have felt at all in the first place? Defy human nature and become more self-sacrificing then I have been as of late.. shall I try that?

I didn't want to hurt anyone.
Well you did.
But I told people what was up; they had to know.
You told them too late.
Better late then never.


How many levels would you like to see me kill myself? The things I've said here I'm not able to say. I typed some of the thoughts out sure, probably not all of them relatedly and definitely not all of what's in my head or I had planned to write before. And although they're here I still can't say them. Talk to me about them or such things and I guarantee I'll blank or lose connections. That is why it takes me so long to reply and make coherent sense. And that is why I use analogies, metaphors, and circular speech among other things.

There may have been other things I was going to say... I'll type them up to share if they strike me. Do me a favor and post your thoughts on this wonderful update. Or IM me with them and your questions. Feel free to share this with involved parties who do not read my journal.

and so says the robin

Since every day of darkness must have a ray of light (so says the little robin that does not stand outside my window) I will remember this:

Mr. Houchins had told the boys that their improvs were much too loud... so they decided to improv in the closet instead. You could hear them banging in there from across the room but not much music could be made out.

Finally I decided to open the door and see if there was room to hang in there and watch/listen. Well, I made room. Pressed against the door I couldn't help but smile as I looked around the small closet at all the instruments they had suspended and rearrangned.

The light is broken of course, so they were illuminated by a flashlight. But it was their music... each kid played whatever came to them.. straight from the heart. And it all fit in perfectly. It was the most fun I've had in a while. A very rare moment where I could enjoy listening to them... even when I was sharing it with a friend..



Leave a pyro to enjoy the fires. Pyro's get a 'thrill' out of them you know.

Damn the sinking island. It would make life so much easier.

and the fire took control
Tell me, when do you know that you are being manipulated?

When would you realize it?

How would you realize it?

It took me many months and a great amount of pain and loneliness to assume it was manipulation last time.. but the situation was subtly different.

Hmmm.


I'm sorry.
To everyone and anyone.

*hugs to all*

Find a thread and pull. I'll get a broom.
It takes me a while to post here now. Things are down whenever I feel the urge to type...
And now I can't remember what I wanted to say.


I had it in my head to do a piece on dreams. People have told me that I've been in their dreams recently. Often have I analyzed dreams. I find it easy to at least suppose what things most likely mean. Does this mean perhaps, that I have touched these people recently?

There was also a piece on Mr. Hall.. but he can wait until I'm in the mood again.

I.. don't know what's wrong with me. I pay little attention to work.... and then I devote lengths of time to it. I plan to beg Mrs. Schilit to not kill my almost an A with a 0 on this essay. It's the marriage proposal essay... I simple fucking essay and I CAN NOT DO IT. I just can't. I don't know why.

Chemistry I brought up like.. 8 points. Fucking 77. I dazed over and doodled some of my very best abstract sketches that class.

I pray to God Power gave me those 2 points. And that Spanish is still an A. And that Hall didn't butcher me on that test/essay. I don't want to go to that class.

Hmmmm.

Yes.

Mmmhmmmmm.

Inner conflict. Outer conflict. Where is the resolutions?

I cannot trust something that is still up in the air.. Some things with wings are too wild to be held down long to a bind of hopes.
Not my hawk companion though.

On that note, trust has utterly left me again. I left the I-don't-trust-anyone-no-matter-who-you-are mood and now just don't trust the ones I don't really know. Hmm. Yeah.

Anything else.. Ah, I believe I'm writing another story tonight. You know, instead of the homework I swore I'd do and all that.

dazed hallucinations
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So yeah, I'm really sick. I think the whole first time ever all-nighter just blew whatever I had left of an immune system. Besides the fact that I seem to have taken up the habit of not really eating dinner.... it's weird.


Yesterday was action packed! Blood Drive is always fun. Finally got me a shirt.
English... Mrs. Schilit went to the teacher's lounge and actually brought me a cup of tea and a cookie!! It was so sweet of her! I was literally dying.
Band... not happy I missed history. I still think I screwed up that chimes part. I hate using new and different instruments. They muffled so easily.... Really don't want to see the judge's sheets. We got straight 2s. But congrats to Amy who got a superior! Yay! And I so fixed that broken timpani...!

Did a few things before the basketball game. Then went to that. I really didn't want to go... planned out all the negative things that could happen.. wow it was bad.
But I went and it wasn't so bad.

Saw a lot of old teachers. Suprised they recognized me. Except Mrs. Burdin... I don't think she recognized me.
I saw... Molly, Brittany, Maria, Madison, Vanessa, Valera, Krista, Stephanie, Jonathan, and of course Lauren.
Mr. Myers recognized me without me even looking at him! Just walked by and he stopped me! It was cool..

So Lauren and I chatted with Krista, Vanessa, and Valeria for a while. It was pretty fun. Then I went up to Allison's to pick up Shelly and take her home since I promised I would. I was just dying.. wow.

Took her home and checked online. Chatted with some people over important stuff, did a few things, then got offline, took a shower, and collapsed in bed.

AHHHH THE IMS!!!!
Date: 3/3/04 10:43:52 PM Eastern Standard Time

This is what my nice stalker wrote me.. Wow..
I'm not putting up the dream he got this inspiration from. Nor my dream analysis and thoughts which'll be written somewhere else. MUAHAHA


If I see even a phrase of this taken any where I don't know about, I'll kill that person. ^^
He's quite protective of his work. And this is of me, for me. So hand's off!

music speaks of secrets hidden in the soul
I want to find the lyrics to Sum 41's CD: All Killer No Filler, song: (9) Handle This

I think it describes something like how I feel.. maybe.


~Later

Yep, that does well to describe how I feel and how things are going I think. It sounds better with music.

*Points to comments*

THANKS AMANDA!!

Fair is Fair in Love and War... What more do you want from me?
Loved the benefit gala last night!!
Got snuck in the back and it was so much fun!
Hopefully more on that later..

Kaykay... here's the newest story. It's another rough draft. Haven't reread it once yet.

Again, if you read it: you must give reactions, comments, criticisms, views, opinions, etc.
( Reminders, you are not allowed to see already posted comments until you post your own. You hear me?? )

Sorry Amanda, no questions yet for the challenged. ^.~

Took a good several hours to write this.. much better than homework huh? Maybe.. 3? A good few hours.

Oh and let's see.. this piece was half request half going off of what was being discussed at the time. So as to the dedication of inspiration, you know who you are. Though I told you you probably won't like it. Ah well, it was in my head for a bit and the ending finally came to me this morning. That's the end of that.



The quest was simple: infiltrate the fortress. The goal was worthwhile: find the center, find the source; whatever you find you can keep. The risks were numerous but they only added to the thrill of the hunt.

Lining the fortress was only a mesh fence meant to keep out the lightest buffers of the world. It was there that the competition started. Men and women of all sorts signed their names to the wavers and took up positions. Each dressed to represent themselves and carried whatever they saw fit to defend themselves with.

There were a variety of army and military members, feeling their valor and training would allow them to breeze through this test. Adventurers ready for a thrill unrivaled joked with each other, guessing at the surprises the fortress must hold. Knights and the chivalrous common men stood quietly, impressed at the daunting problem ahead of them but ready to overcome whatever lie ahead.

The gun raised and the blast racketed through the air. With the signal, everyone present charged the keep, ripping down the first mesh barrier. When it came clear off the ground the whole area seemed to lurch, a silent cry. In a wave the people stormed over the next barrier, a simple chain fence, and jumped over the next two barbed-wire fences. The following towering wooden walls seemed scaleable and that’s just what the people did.

However this wooden wall was the first warning at what lie ahead. Once one sat at the top of it, they could see what obstacles were constructed between there and the actual beginning of the fortress. It was awe-inspiring, or for a great deal, fear inspiring. Now it was a great deal more difficult than they had anticipated. Several chose right there to slide back down the wall and return home. Others sat and deliberated. The rest plowed onward.

Bogs, hidden pits, obstacles, and dead ends were only a few of the warnings nature gave to the trespassers. Beyond that there were the walls. Never ending walls. These barriers took all shapes and forms. Some were easy to cross over, merely a line in the sand. Others were complicated signs that pointed all ways and no ways and left the searcher to use intuition or merely guess at where to turn. There were constant screams of surprise or fear or uselessness as the treasure seeking numbers dwindled, caught by nature’s protectiveness.

As the remaining members grew closer to the guarded tomb, new obstacles arose. Nature grew more violent, forming fences of rose thorns and ravines that seemed to stretch just out of reach. Also there were sounds. Before, the ground would simply lurch each time a seeker destroyed a wall or cut down a part of the natural defenses. Now in addition to that, heaving breathing haunted the men and few women remaining from behind every boulder or shadow. At dead ends, one of the knights was the first to encounter the horrific beast that caused the labored breathing.

It was a sudden attack, but the knight survived with a deep slash of his sword. The fallen creature let loose a howl while the blood pouring from its wound seemed to seep away into the very earth. More of these nightmarish creatures began to appear, taking down a number of the people. Blood seemed to be spilt everywhere and those that finally made it across to the single strip of green grass along the fortress walls were no exception. They were at least splashed with it, most covered.

The remaining looked carefully at each other, a few congratulating each other, the rest reflecting on what was ahead or those that were left behind. All were men. It seemed a surprising distribution of the original types: an equal number of adventurers, bounty hunters, knights, military oriented, and common men.

They turned to look at the outside wall. Each man was truly for himself now and each was deciding how to enter. One wandered to the actual iron-wrought gate but upon clearing it was instantly struck down with an arrow. The fortress would defend itself in many ways. Now it seemed obvious the invaders caused it pain and if they still dared to enter then they would have to force their way in.

A few scaled the wall. A few busted through the gate and deflected arrows. Half made it over the first wall. Within the court there were stars drawn in glowing paint on the tiles. Exactly the number as those that made it over the wall. Once all stood in a star, the arrows stopped and things quieted, giving them a chance to look around. It seemed like a game.

The fortress was overgrown and dilapidated, aged with much wear and tear. A painful feeling permeated the area and a few men shuddered. There was some foreboding sense that weighed heavily over all of them.

Slowly the men crept from their sacred stars, dashing into the ‘safety’ of the halls. It seemed a race against each other for the main prize, a race against time. The fortress though, would not make it easy on any of them. Many halls were dead ends. Most ended in an unfortunate surprise. However this inner area was where much more difficult of defenses was used.

Invisibility cloaked the passageways. Some walls held obvious passages that were so easily missed by the treasure-craved men. Other walls were completely unseen, meant to trap the unsuspecting deep within. Along with this however, there were also invisible doors. The lucky leaned against the cold stonewall for support, falling into a secret chamber at the next level.

Yet again there were screams that echoed through the narrow halls, but never faded. Perhaps it was the dying men’s pain that remained echoing in the fortress.. still there seemed to be much older screams of pain that had never faded.

At the heart of the keep, three men met each other, each coming from different directions and none unscathed. All were out of breath, bedraggled, and injured, splattered in the blood of even more dangerous nightmare-like creatures as well as their own. They eyed each other and then turned to the dull glow radiating from the single archway remaining.

They followed the glow into the next room and gaped. There at the center was a golden half sphere of light. It was opaque, completely impenetrable to human sight. All the men saw was the brilliant gold, seemingly solid throughout but glowing with a life of it’s own.

The knight, the bounty hunter, and the chivalrous man stepped forward slowly in wonder. The knight placed a light hand on the sphere; it was freezing to the touch. The bounty hunter surged forward and ran his hands strongly over the glimmering gold. It filled his eyes and he fumbled in his bag for a pick of sorts. The common man stood frozen for a moment, millions of thoughts running through his mind at what riches this could be and if there could be something underneath.

As soon as possible the bounty hunter was picking away at the sphere, trying to dislodge some gold or force his way into the true center. With each strike the room rattled and the foggy painful feeling grew. The knight knocked against the shield, one hand pulling out his sword. The third man moved to the opposite side of the two and knelt to the floor. He gently felt along the sphere’s chilling surface, maybe for a crack or a semblance of inner life. He felt it shudder as the two men violently tried to destroy the shield as they had the others.

But the chivalrous man knew that would not work this time. Something was inside and pain was not the answer to get it. He embraced the sphere of golden light caringly. Stroking it soothingly, the third man whispered sweet thoughts of a safe future for whatever lay ahead.

Slowly but surely the light faded then turned to crystal. With one more strike from the bounty hunter’s pick, the crystallized shield shattered and the true inside was shown. The bounty hunter scrambled for the crystal remnants that glittered like gold, but nothing so beautiful could be found in that dark dilapidated fortress. The knight looked over what was inside but saw nothing special, so he turned to gather up a few pieces of the former shield.

The hunter did not like this at all and vied with the knight for the sparkling pieces. They fought and it one guttering yell they impaled each other, spilling more blood in the already blood soaked room. The chivalrous man watched them in horror, repulsed that they had gotten so far only to throw it away over some shards. Instead he looked to what was not uncovered from within the light.

Eyes widened as he realized there were two things that were hidden. One was a pile of translucent red pieces... pieces of something long since broken. The other was a girl, a young girl who was completely devoid of emotion or light. She was dark and huddled over, resembling almost of the fortress itself.

The girl sat beside her broken heart, clutching her knees to her chest with eyes glazed over as they watched nothing and everything. Those eyes seemed to know the Truth, secrets never told. They could quite possibly have been able to bore right into a man’s soul if the girl was not so dead. However she was aware of nothing now. Out of defenses she had nothing to stop the world from attacking her.

The chivalrous common man went over to her broken heart first. He wrapped up the pieces with patient attention. Tucking it into his shirt, he moved to the girl. The man tried to lift her, careful of causing her any further pain. She went remained rigid, clutching her knees while her eyes reflected no light inside of her.

He hugged her closely, the treasure hidden within the fortress. Thinking of anything that might revive her inner light, he kissed her softly on the forehead, thinking back at all he had fought to overcome to find her.

With the kiss, the girl’s eyes fluttered and color seemed to slowly flow into her. Her body grew less rigid and she melted in the man’s arms. Still, life had not fully returned to her eyes.

The man began to leave the center of the fortress, trying to find his way back out to the light. However the second he stepped out of the innermost chamber, an arrow flew through the air and pierced him, directly hitting the bundle of broken pieces of the girl’s heart.

He gasped, not fully grasping what had happened. The chivalrous man fell forward to his knees, then collapsed sideways. Instantly the light dimmed in the girl. She would not face what had just happened. Tears streamed down her face though she wasn’t exactly crying.

The golden light grew from where she was and covered them both in a thin shield. It would grow denser in time.


The girl was lost in her own mind, in the labyrinth that was her fortress. No person would be able to get too near to her. For when they finally touch her soul, they will have no strength left to move on with her.

GAME OVER




No, you didn't get that far.

I'm waiting for someone.. so I'll update a bit till they come..
Let me see..
Thank goodness it's Friday!!

Story ideas just float around in my head... I'll write them down if I can.

I really want to create something with pastels, crayons, or thick paints. Grrrr..!

Kyo's birthday was yesterday I think. He hasn't been on for weeks but I sent him a card.

Kai's been away too. I think it's stress from school.

The suicidal girl from before hasn't talked to me again yet. Her name came on and I IMed her twice but there was no reply.. Mph.

You know what else is fun? Being greeted online by a suicide note. Especially if it was sent a little while early while you were out.

Cass updated her journal for the first time in about 40 days. She wants to give up on life. Need to come up with an email to send to that.

Paint's randomly IMed me. He hasn't been around for a couple weeks. I will get the np he owes me.

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They're back!

get out and spend the day watching friends give it all they've got to something they love
Saturday's concert
TBC