It feels very validating to get an award after that summit. It's not often that I feel like I'm doing well enough and my anxiety hits hard these days; but to have the C-suite looking at me and have my new role generate so much attention is definitely going to mean I have to be on my game this year.
Jovie is living up to her jovial namesake and really doing the heavy lifting of keeping a smile on my face since Rose. My friends that haven't up and left like Mitch recently have kept my spirits up too, despite the difficulties they're all dealing with. Cancer fucking sucks and so do people who say they'll be there and they love you when they bounce. Not to mention fascist regimes who owe foreign dictators after they bailed them out for losing all their daddy's money. Say goodbye to life as we know it and get ready to lose your retirement, social security, health care, and any semblance of normalcy you've got left.
I feel like alot is going to change this year and I'm going to have to be the catalyst in my own life and make it what I want it to be. The panic is building, but the courage also.
It honestly feels a little surreal how “together” my life is these days considering what an aimless shithead I was for so long.
I’ve got a good union job that will carry me to an early retirement, and I even enjoy it. I’ve got a loving wife, an amazing kid. My only remaining debt is my car payment and $2100 in student loans. I’ll probably be buying a house within three more years.
I feel like I don’t deserve it, but, it still feels amazing.
::
2024 24 January :: 12.18am
:: Mood: Sick to my stomach
I can't do this anymore. I can't be such an afterthought. I can't mean so little to the person who I should mean the most to. I don't understand your continued mistreatment amd disregard for me. I can't continue to justify this with your past trauma. You've had so many chances to correct it. A second trip to Japan where I'm not included after the damage it did last time; you continue to make choices that don't reflect any love for me. I'm heartbroken and you can't take it back. And I can't ignore it anymore. And as much as you have tried to make me believe otherwise over the years, I know, deep inside my soul that I deserve better than this.
I just don't know why I should keep on forgiving this stuff when the most minimal amount of foresight would have prevented it from happening.
You are literally killing me. I have heart pains from this. This is completely unsustainable. It's impossible being in this, with you. It doesn't matter if I enjoy your company when things are good or if I love you deeply, it is causing my limited time on this earth to be all the more limited due to the incredible stress you put me through every other day.
I've got my training to become a UPS driver this week, feel like my brain is going to explode trying to memorize all the information they're going to drill me on, but I'm so excited to finally start the career I've wanted since I was a kid.
Why does no one want to marry me? Am I not good enough for it?
I shouldn't even be asking myself that question. I know I'm not good enough to be someone's wife. The men that I've been with have indicated that. The first, obviously. The second, pretty much there.
I have grown up in a society that has told me that that's all I'm good for. I've learned that I'm not even good enough for that. The little I must amount to...
I could settle and marry someone I don't love. I could be Cath. When will this flame of hope finally die inside me so that I can stop moving forward and resign to my fate to never get what I want in life? I hope it dies soon so that I can too.
::
2019 13 June :: 4.27pm
:: Music: The Best of Me - The Used
Most of the time I think of wonderful, exciting things to do, I just don't do them because I have no one to do them with. Concerts, movies, trips... I've missed out on so much shit. Then I try to do stuff alone and the enjoyment goes from possible 100 to like 12. It's just no fun by myself.
I don't know why I moved to this apartment. It's empty. It's lonely.
I thought he would be here with me. I craved more so I thought having a place to stay together would be beneficial after the cost of those hotel visits.
Now I find myself alone almost all the time. It's not easy. It does not help with motivation. My depression is sky high and I don't think I can fix it now. Not without him around.
It's Woodinville all over again only this time I can't just drive 10 minutes to see him.
You know that feeling when you realize you need someone just a little bit more than they need you?
