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This is my live now

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goodbye

:: 2018 11 March :: 12.49am

Loneliness should wear off... right? ...At some point?

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goodbye

:: 2018 2 March :: 11.00pm

Every time I hang out with him, I regret it. Every. Time.

Ugh.

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goodbye

:: 2018 2 March :: 8.24am

Anime was ruined for me by the community. So was rock/emo/pop punk music.

Why do people have to be such dicks?

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goodbye

:: 2018 23 February :: 10.17pm

I have fucking awesome friends.

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goodbye

:: 2018 18 February :: 11.21pm

I've been visiting my Grandmother with my Mom this week. She teaches me many new things and reminds me of many things I've learned before:

Be vigilant with patience. You can never be too patient around her.

It's okay to feel what you want to feel but don't be consumed by it. She has overcome so much in her life and I hope she can be happy about that. I'm certainly proud of her.

Be compassionate and kind above all else. Let the people you love let know you love them and love spending time with them.

I am lucky and blessed to still have my Grammie. I treasure the time I've gotten to spend with her on this trip and throughout my whole life. I am very thankful to bond with my Mother as well. It has been a wonderful time, one which I hope to remember forever.

Lately from them and from some other people in my life, I have been hearing alot of "I really enjoy being with you." And "I'm so happy you came." And other similar things. Initially I always feel surprised by it due to some negative experiences I've had where people have told me otherwise... but it is beginning to sink in that I am a good friend and person and I do make other peoples' lives better by expressing my care. I am warmed by this beautiful feeling of welcomeness and love. It helps me see that this world isn't such a dark place after all. Something I need to remember, especially before such a difficult day for me.

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goodbye

:: 2018 30 January :: 10.53am

Had a great weekend on the west side. I miss my coworkers. It was nice hanging out with some of them at the baby shower. I really miss M most of all, honestly. Every time I talk to M I feel reassured that I was good at my job. If only they didn't leave and could have been in my corner... maybe I wouldn't have left.

I loved driving that little hatchback rental car. It was so fun and fast and responsive to my touch. I love my car, don't get me wrong... I just would love for it to pickup a little faster.

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goodbye

:: 2018 19 January :: 11.27pm

Syzlac
Moe! Moe! Moe!
How do you like me? How do you like me?
Moe! Moe! Moe!
Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me.

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goodbye

:: 2018 18 January :: 7.21pm

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goodbye

:: 2017 29 December :: 9.35am

Idgaf mothafucka.

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goodbye

:: 2017 24 December :: 5.22pm

I am tired of being made to feel bad about every little fucking miscommunication. I don't deserve that. I'm a good person.

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goodbye

:: 2017 20 December :: 10.01pm

I am the mountain and you are the rain and clouds over me that will pass. I will remain strong.

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goodbye

:: 2017 20 December :: 12.44am

I don't need to be anything more than what I already am ♥

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goodbye

:: 2017 15 December :: 10.00am

I saw Star Wars last night. There are sooo many things I want to say but no one to talk to about it.

Without ruining it I'll say I enjoyed Adam Driver's acting most of all.

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goodbye

:: 2017 24 November :: 5.26pm

I had a beautiful day with a beautiful friend, teacher, and mentor. It's been pretty shitty since I got here, but mostly that was fabricated in my head. I love my family and friends. I love that I can count on them for support.

I never needed to come home. I just thought I wanted to. I think I'll do fine here... I just have to change my mindset from feeling like a teenager in my parents' place to feeling like an adult who is still in charge of her own destiny.

There was nothing causing this to happen. I didn't fall on hard times. I was never forced to do anything. I could have stayed there far longer. I could have probably got on the management track. But honestly, I think regrouping and deciding on a different course, one I will enjoy more, is going to be far better for me in the long-run.

There was no doubt, but just to reiterate, I'll be okay.

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goodbye

:: 2017 16 November :: 9.02pm

I do feel like I've accomplished alot there. I showed that I can swim when the tide gets rough.

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goodbye

:: 2017 11 November :: 11.57am
:: Mood: defeated

Same as it ever was.

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poisonedheart

:: 2017 1 November :: 10.47pm

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who knows me
I'm mean and bitter
And a failure at everything that I say I believe

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who loves me
I never write, I never call
I never think about anyone at all

I'm not a good person
No matter what I do
My exhaustion will consume me
And I'm too tired for the truth

I'm not a good person
I'm sure you're not surprised
It must be pouring out my sweat glands
It must be someplace in my eyes

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way
I'm not a good person, not even to you
I'm staying home because I can't stand the sound
Of another heartbeat in the room

I'm not a good person
Fuck it, you know it's true
I'm lazy, I'm a coward
I'm asleep all day in my room

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way

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goodbye

:: 2017 29 October :: 1.00pm

The rest of my life is a blank slate... and I'm not sure what to fill it in with.

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goodbye

:: 2017 24 October :: 12.05am

Rape isn't funny. It not only is a vile act that happens all the time and that completely destroys the life of the victim, making jokes about it lessens it's impact, making it harder to be taken seriously and making it more difficult for victims to speak out for fear of victim blaming.

Don't make rape jokes or laugh at rape jokes if you want me to think you're a good person.

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goodbye

:: 2017 13 September :: 5.54pm

It would be so easy and freeing to slip into madness... Life is becoming far more surreal and less tangible than before. It's hard to judge what matters and whether societal constructs like consequences are even possible or are just in my head.

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