perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

:: 2004 24 January :: 11.47 pm
:: Mood: im happy
:: Music: my immortal

well i was supposed to go to Michigan today to watch hess play some hockey, but dever ended up not wanting to go, which that didnt bother me in the slightest, so we opted no to...yucky weather, and long car ride, we werent up for it...which is good because his game ended up being canceled, so yay

because of me not going to michigan doug decided to come over and spend long hours playing video games...and we did just that...he got here at 3 and stayed until about 1045...it was a lot of fun...good times with douggie...its fun to find someone that i can bond with over video games...i havent been able to do that since michael moved out, it was almost nostalgic...i even called him mike one, but yea, the other guys had been talking to me off and on the entire day wondering what to do that night, metcalf and i even spent 45 minutes on the phone getting nowhere about plans...but in the end, they decided to crash my house, which was fine, i love having people out here...small amounts of people...we had 7 people...thats plenty, i dont like much more than that, but it was cool, i had a lot of fun, and i think the others did as well, which makes me happy..i would hate for them to get all the way out here and not have a good time. ian and doug left at 1045 because ian has a hockey game tomorrow at 830 and needs sleep, and doug i think just needed a change of scenary....metcalf and herringshaw left next because i think they had curfew? i dont really know...then stevie and dan stayed for pretty much another hour...we just sat and chatted, it was fun
hopefully they all get home safely, i think the roads are getting a lot better

im now about 8 hours into my game :) i even got to play it a little bit today while doug took a nap...he looks funny when he sleeps ;) but i have problems with the game where i get angry at it so i quite playing, but i plan on getting a little more time with it later tonight..should be exciting

the basketball game last night was amazing, we won against perrysburg, and they have the rudest fans ever, sure ours wasnt exactly great in return, but two wrongs dont make a right and it was madness...such a good game though

mikes coming out tomorrow...we shall play some ps2 and bond like old times...

i wish i was 6 again....

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 22 January :: 10.42 pm

its official...my soul has been consumed, however, i couldnt be happier, so i find nothing wrong with it. doug called me last night at 1045 to make sure i wasnt playing...he also needed help with his math homework so i stayed on the phone with him until about 1120 figuring that stuff out

school been boring lately...same thing every day..got my exams back though, 2 Bs and a C...not great, however, im not caring, my grades in my classes are still As therefore i dont care

SAB meeting this morning (no thats not SABullshit!) its time to get into gear for cominghome...decorations need to be inventoried and whatnot, then i get to bring it home and put it together...megs and i will have fun with that...we did for homecoming anyway

dever talked to tucker and heard that optional conditioning starts at the earliest feb 2 and at the latest feb 9...thats really early and thats probably only for runners...i mean what are throwers going to do? we could lift...could...

fazoli dinner is next week...so i should be getting sick around...wednesday, that sounds about right..its happened the past 2 years...megan calls it my yearly sickness, i always get the same thing the same time of year and my parents always have to go get the dinner for me and its dumb...oh well

thats it i guess

crush me

:: 2004 19 January :: 2.59 pm
:: Mood: fuck you

oh fuck you

yea thats my mood right now

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2004 19 January :: 1.29 pm

so i think i may have been sucked into the cominghome band wagon...megan went shopping yesterday, and when megan shops, megan thinks, and megans form of thinking is normally planning, so megan has a plan, and her plan involves my tagging along...we'll see if it actually works, she has good intentions behind the plan, however i can point out some faults, as can others, but we'll see

so now that shes got me thinking about the dance, that means im thinking about clothes to wear, that automatically puts my mood down, because i hate having to think about myself and clothes to wear that a) are appropriate and b)actually fit well and look nice, damn this thrower exterior...i must take a poll this season with my competitors and ask them what they think....im sure they would agree

anyway back to the clothes...i found a really cute dress...however i just want to take the top of the dress and wear it as a top and wear pants with it...i could do this very easily with scissors and a sewing machine, however the dress is far to expensive for me to just destroy its craftmanship, therefore, i will keep looking, but so far...things look grim

anyway, last night i went into BG and watched chicago with megan and stevie...neither of them had seen the movie, and i had seen part of it, so all in all it was an adventure, megan sits there and critiques the dancing while stevie and i sit there and make fun of the costumes...we had fun. afterwards we played old school mario kart on N64...ahh the little things in life that bring me pleasure...i came home, on time for once, chatted with stevie and hess...filled hess in on the plan, he doesnt seem to care how he takes part in it, so hes ok, stevie and i got into depressing girl topics, i tried to talk to doug about it...i ended up failing and feeling worse than before, but then i went to sleep while watching television, woke up to a scary cartoon at 4am and rolled over and feel asleep to the cartoon singing a song about fishing...then i had a dream about zombies and moneys (i blame 28 days later) however it was sweet, because i was kicking some zombie ass...so much fun

and i woke up today feeling much better, and i have a thought in mind for cominghome, so its all good right now

thats it

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 18 January :: 5.05 pm
:: Mood: extremely happy

oh happy girl right here...mike and heather are out for a visit and mike said i could take his ps2 for a few weeks because he has all his other systems to keep him entertained...he also found ff4...now i was supposed to get the game a few weeks ago and never did, but im going to follow him back into BG tonight and get them from him...oh im happy

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 18 January :: 12.40 pm

Oftentimes we sit down and ask ourselves, "Why me?" You may feel like you ask yourself this question more than anyone else, Brittany. Your life probably seems like an intense roller-coaster ride that never comes to a stop. Deep down you realize that you would have it no other way. Take a break from it all today if you can. Communicate your thoughts and feelings to others. By talking it out, you will feel much better about the situation at hand.

ok this was my horoscope for today...and it elicited an interetsing conversation between jackie and myself...like i can totally relate to that however, its the last part that gets me...the whole communicating feelings and such..i dont know how to do that, like i know what im feeling, but the actually words to get them out there...it just doesnt work
but i think jackie and i came up with the problem...its the isolation after the sharing of the feelings that keeps us from putting them out there...im afraid that after i tell the person what i think, they wont understand it to the point that their misunderstandings cause them to shun the source aka me..therefore, to prevent this from happening i in turn keep it all to myself and tell people im ok when in all actualilty something could be bothering me and i only rely on myself to work it out...i dont know if thats actually somewhat solving the problem or creating more...who knows

crush me

:: 2004 17 January :: 10.58 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

yay for lunch with tara...that was fun, we sat and talked for a long time...good times really

i dropped tara off at her friends house so she could be productive and learn kick, then i called doug, made plans, then went home...i hated home these past few days...so lonely...then i got home, doug called and canceled plans, saying he didnt want me to die, then plans were put back on because the weather decided to stop, so i met doug at 5, then went to the bank, finders, hunan, and meijer....we were busy people...all of which places were very entertaining..i wasnt exactly up to par during dinner so i apologize for what seemed to be my lack of enthusiasm...bad time of day i guess? but anyway, doug called sara and yelled at her because she wanted to go sledding and it was raining and sledding would be dumb, so we called the others and were like ok movie night at dougs (we watched 28 days later....very good movie!) but before the movie doug and i played 27 rounds of soul calibur...he won 14 to 13...i however believe i held me own very well and am proud of my video gaming, then we watched the movie and i left early so i wouldnt die...doug walked me to my car and told me to call when i got home so he knew i didnt die...so i called him and the other girls were still there playing mario kart...its been decided, i am the most skilled female video game player...im proud, what can i say? and i have to say that playing the video game was my favorite part of the day...little things in life make me happy...and i was so extremely happy then, i can't even describe it

i think tonight is the night to get some major sleep...my parents are home tonight so i should have no problems sleeping...so im happy :)

terminator is sweet

i think tomorrow is going to be dedicated to reading and spending some time with my mom...shes cool

thats it

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 17 January :: 11.37 am
:: Mood: happy

getting ready to leave for taras house in about 20 minutes...we're going to go to el zarape, shes only been there once and frankly that is a crime, so i told her i was taking her there...she really didnt care where we went so it was easy deciding...plus its like 2 seconds from her house...and she doesnt know it yet but im taking her with me to get gas! haha...anyway then im supposed to call doug after that and hang out, that should be fun, i havent hung out with just doug in awhile, so yay for dinner with him (plus its chinese food and whats not to love about that)

ive already talked to my mom twice today...really no surprise in that, they have no idea when they're getting home, probably early evening is my assumption, but we'll see...Lord knows i'll talk to them at least two more times before they get home though :) it shows they care

hmm...nothing else really going on, i dont know whats up with the girls for tonigt, i havent talked to them yet today, so we'll see if i see them tonight or not...i'll probbaly come home right after dinner with doug so i dont die on the roads since its like crappy weather galore outside...i hope the weathers nice up in michigan with the guys...just as long as they come home safely its all good. but i'll have to wait for a call before i know anything

thats it

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 17 January :: 11.04 am
:: Mood: indescribable

i've only heard this song maybe three times...and i cant get it out of my head, and i really like it

my immortal

my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

crush me

:: 2004 16 January :: 3.46 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: jason mraz!

well spanish totally sucked it up today...that as not an easy exam, it wasnt hard, yet about half way through everything i though i knew started to blur together...basically im hoping low B, and thats pushing it. then i had study hall, sara and i looked at a prom magazine...man i find it humorous that people are already putting out magazine, however they are a great source of amusement..we spent a whole hour and a half going through that and criticizing the dressed and the articles and subtitles...much fun. and AS today was just great, 90 minutes of talking, we have these days in there where we put a subject out there and digress from it...i love it, it was a lot of fun, and i sat in doug's seat today since he wa late, and he sat behind me and HE SCRATCHED MY BACK!! who would have thought that dya would ever come, however, my entire back was a welt when he finished, but eh

my parents are leaving me tonight and going to see dan, they decided to leave a day early because of yucky weather we're supposed to be getting...so yay for being home alone tonight!

the guys should be leaving...well now...i'll give them a call sometime this weekend, its a bummer they're leaving, but i'll see them tuesday or wednesday so its fine

the terminator is sweet

im going out to lunch tomorrow with tara...being a sweet older cousin and all, and then going out with doug tomorrow night...when i told my mom that she wasnt too thrilled...we're supposed to get bad weather, so depending on the weather....hopefully it'll be ok though

i have a new guy that i can go to now if i feel the need to have blunt and somewhat harsh answers when i have something to talk about...i doubt i'll go to him though, because as i told him...his responses scare me...which i think they would scare anyone, but who knows, maybe i'll test out his listening abilities sometime

im going out with mges and amanda tonight...and a bball game! i love basketball, why i ever quit the sport i'll never know, but its still great to watch, so im excited, a night out with the girls! woo! as amanda put it....a night out with my favorite people, i felt loved :)

thats it

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2004 15 January :: 6.44 pm
:: Mood: nothingness

ehh...must study spanish, i heard the exam was completely out there so basically i dont feel ready at all to take it, however, am i studying? nope, not yet anyway...

doug called me last night around 8, i talked to him until 9...somewhat serious conversation, i didnt feel to great afterwards though, which resulted in me having a great and very long conversation with ian, his blunt and at times harsh answers are what i need, so he's my favorite :) he can make me feel better when im feeling like shit, but its still awkward telling people what i think and what im feeling...im not used to this yet its what everyone thinks everyone should do, so when they think somethings wrong they're going to bug you until you let it out...unfortunately, ian can normally get it out of me...i told some of it to sara too so she helped, but theres a difference between males and females when they help...females are caring and try to be nice when helping...males just tell you what you need to hear and apologize later if it was harsh

i slept like a freakin rock last night....doug said he would call me if he needed to talk...must not have because i went to bed at 11 and i put my phone on my night stand just in case and i got nothing...pretty good too because im pretty sure i wouldnt have woken up for it...

i had math and chem today...they were both easy...math was extremely easy, if you couldnt get the problem you could pretty much work backwards from the answers in order to figure it out...so im assuming A in that exam....chem was a little tougher...some of the questions were pretty out there...im not sure what anthony was thinking, but if i didnt get an A its at least a high B....so im not worried...its this spanish i have coming up that worries me, all the tenses kinda run together and thats going to screw me over, plus culture? i didnt know the culture then, how in the world does she expect me to know it now...shes so cute though, you cant be angry at that lady haha

i think doug and i are going dinner and a movie this weekend...i want to see the new ben stiller, but when i brought it up he kind of groaned...so maybe i'll look for something else, other than that we've agreed on chinese food...we're easy to get along with when it comes to food, im up to try pretty much anything, and dougs male and eats anything, so its good

stevie hasnt said anything else about going up to the lake...so maybe i'll still join my parents for a trip down south to visit dan...ahh dan, so incredibly good looking and so amazingly nice...megan and i im sure are both in love with this man...he made his gf a dress so she would have comething formal to wear to the dance we all went to....his incredibly nice...if i could i would turn him into a 17 year old...and hed be mine...haha, but yea hes very cool, and his gf if also the nicest girl ever...perfect match really, but yea my parents are going to visit him and i was thinking it would be nice to see him since i havent since megan and i went up to niagra, but we'll see whats up with everyone else for the day and by everyone i mean megan and doug...since the guys have to be all sweet and have an amazing ski trip this weekend...they better call me and at least fill be in on details!!

ok i think ive rambled enough

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 14 January :: 7.53 pm
:: Mood: busy busy busy

exam time has come upon us...blast this damned system...tomorrow should be the hardest day though, math and chem...both with cheat sheets though so its not going to be completely horrible

megan said she couldnt go to the lake this weekend so theres another person that will be in town with me...so megan and doug...not to shabby...i think doug and i need to go see the new ben stiller movie...even though doug hates sitting next to me at the theaters thats just too bad! ;)

next semester my echedule is exactly the same...the only thing that will be different is that nick wont be in study hall with me anymore, but i get jackie ian and jacoby so that'll be cool

my cousin had an ovarian cyst that exploded the other night...im not sure what all that means but it was probably painful and such but she's going to be fine, according to grandma at least, i havent really called to talk to my cousin yet, but i'll go visit her this weekend and spend some time with her

i got my ensemble music for S&E....yea, we're not getting a 1, it is incredibly hard and there will be no way for me to get it unless we slow down the metronome...its at 180 right now...id like it bumped down to a 160 or something...its just crossing both bridges with eigth notes isnt exactly my strong part so it's a total challenge...it should be interesting

well im off for some more studying
wish me luck...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 13 January :: 3.10 pm
:: Mood: excited

ok well last night was pretty much the best night ever...my mom talked to robin on the phone for pretty much ever and when she finally got off she said that they would be coming up the 7th and 8th of february. this automatically makes me happy but she just added to it by saying they were coming up for the fremont show. i love the fremont show, so not only are my parents gone for the weekend with the mcbrooms, but i get dani for the weekend, and the house AND the fremont show...ahh so cool...i get to pick dani up from the show saturday morning and megan is coming with me to see some people that we havent seen since new york and ians coming along so it should be quite the itneresting ride...and as ian says...time needs to speed up like now

and i made a mistake in my last journal entry...doug will still be here..but i forgot to mention him because doug has a life outside of our group (huh...imagine that..hehe) and i just figured he wouldnt want to do anything, however he wasnt too happy i forgot to mention him, so doug and i will be spending some quality time together this weekend...yay for food!

i called doug last night at 10 and chatted with him until 11...i made the poor kid go to bed...even though he woke back up soon after...one of these day i will get him to sleep 8 hours...we'll see

now its off to write my paper for AS and my cheat sheet for chem...

bye!

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 12 January :: 4.30 pm

"We all like stories that make us cry. It's so nice to feel sad when you've nothing in particular to feel sad about."
Annie Sullivan

thats bullshit

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2004 12 January :: 3.43 pm
:: Mood: ugh

i hate it when plans change. i was supposed to go to kentucky this weekend and then hit up lancaster on my way back up to visit the McBrooms...and now im not doing that and its dumb...we're still going to kentucky but i have no reason to go to kentucky, i was just going along for the lancaster trip grr....

and stevie brought something up about going to the lake, that would be cool...not exactly the break that i wanted but it would still be getting away from bg which wouldnt suck entirely, and i think thats what im going to do...because if i stay home its going to suck majorly - the guys are gone for the entire weekend, and they'll be getting many calls from the girls..they can count on that, and then stevie and megan and possibly the other two (idk who all is invited) will be at the lake, therefore i would be in bg with herringshaw....and thats pretty much it, so i hate it when plans change...damn canton!

oh well...i guess for now i should just focus on exams...i least i get cheat sheets:) that makes me happy

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 12 January :: 3.42 pm

Do not automatically think that beauty always has to be defined by old-fashioned standards, Brittany. It is time to set your own definition. There is no need to squeeze yourself into some socially constructed mold that doesn't resonate with who you truly are. Your job is not to try and make sure that everyone loves you. There is only one person you need to satisfy, and that is yourself.

my horoscope makes me laugh

crush me

:: 2004 11 January :: 4.09 pm

hey...who wants to play the let's clear everything up game? i do! i do!
ok, so here's the dilemna...sure i feel farther down on dougs list...and sure i think thats partially due to carmen...however, its not only carmen, dougs soul is currently being taken over a morrowind, and work and other such endeavers...so i dont blame carmen, nor do i not like her...carmen - i like you just fine, no bad feelings here. however, i can understand the confusion, i havent exactly expressed my feelings lately, so here it goes

yes, i feel down on the list, and yes its hard, but believe me, i'll get over it, im tougher than i look, and no, its not dougs nor carmens nor my own fault....its no ones fault, there are no fingers to point in this situation. and doug's "list" is not the only one ive been feeling down on...ive told some people this...ive got this feeling of not being needed surrounding me lately, im not a necessity in people's lives the way i used to be, or the way i thought i was, and thats been getting me down lately...i can list 5 different people right now that have made me feel that way...its not their fault...again, no one is at fault, its just how i feel, so doug, dont feel bad, i dont hate you, nor am i mad at you, besides who could be mad at doug? ;)

so is everything ok now? does it all make sense? if not, we shall try a hand at this game again

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 10 January :: 5.05 pm
:: Mood: exanimate

last night we went to see big fish...there was a nice amount of us there...and it was a great movie, a few cried...i did not, im thinking i dont have a soul, i didnt even feel like crying..oh well, i told megan i would go see it with her ebcause she would bawl her eyes out, but i highly recommend it to all. after that we went to DQ, i got the ice cream i wanted, and that was about all, i think i just wanted home, and i wasnt being very good company

tonights the concert...should be interesting, im excited, i like concerts, they're fun. i get to see tara tonight, i havent seen her since Christmas, so that'll be fun, granted i'll be in a dress but oh well...i still get to see her, and maybe meet this boyfriend

i got this sudden rush last night to play FF4...so i took out my others old PS1...since he obviously has the PS2...but anyway, he had the game, so i couldnt play, and i was crushed...a little over reaction there, but i really wanted to play, and ive been going up and down lately and that just kinda broke me down right there..so i had to call him and talk to him and hes going to give me the game tonight at the concert so im extremely happy...good bye social life, ive got what i need now

next weekend im getting away..doug told me a needed a break, so im taking one, and im excited, im gonna go down south and soend some time with dani, she'll make me feel better, i havent felt really great for about a week or so, so hopefully next week it'll all be worked out

lately when people ask whats wrong, i just tell them im tired...i feel bad for telling them that, but its easier than explaining, so if i tell you im tired, just leave it at that, ok? its not meaning to be mean, its meaning to say that yea im tired, but theres more to it that doesnt need to be out there, so be happy with the im tired, and lets move on..it'll all be over with shortly

crush me

:: 2004 8 January :: 5.08 pm

AS has been weird this week, yesterday we get there and dunn and dever tell us that they have thrown away the quizes we had taken the previous day because they heard from another teacher that kids were cheating across the room via text message....honestly, how dumb do you have to be? i would so get caught if i tried it...and then today we get there and dever hsa to leave early because she has a doctors appt and then dunns dying, and she said that if we bothered her too much she was going to breathe on us so that someone would be in as much misery as she is...funniest thing i had ever heard her say...made me laugh anyway, so today was basically a work day...read the two thigns that needed to be read, and some other crap...it was fun

concert tomorrow morning for this kids...i like kid concerts, their reactions are so completely different than any other reaction we could get from adults, they're just honest, if they dont like the song they'll just sit there, and if they really like it, they'll be laughing and clapping and jumping up and down...its just fun, i love to see their reactions. Then we have our real concert tomorrow night...it should be good, nothing too extravagant but it wouldnt be a waste...i mean students get in for a buck..so people should come, then we can all go out afterwards because its going to be over early..

thats pretty much it

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2004 7 January :: 8.11 pm

its been so cold lately!! we need to have some warmer weather...

today was fun, didnt have to play the dumb songs in band, instead i got to play dumb songs in clarinet choir...it wasnt bad but not fun, its an easy songs with like 2 difficult parts, but a few times through and it was no biggie, so easy morning...interesting pre cal...didnt have my calculator because nick had it, so i had to take dills and he made jokes about how it was his only one and i would be taking it, so i felt bad and said i wouldnt take it, then he was like are you underestimating my skills at math?! i can do this without a calculator! i said that was good, and i was glad i had a smart math teacher, it was funny, you had to be there

nice nap today in spanish, found an emotional sex book in chem and that kept me entertained for a period....funny stuff, sara ended up giving the book to herringshaw, he appreciated it. chem was fun...nothing too spectacular, ian beat me on the test we got back..the kid gloated, then yi told me the only reason he was gloating is because i normally beat him, she makes me happy lol, and AS was odd....we get there and dunn and dever are like you took a quiz yesterday and we're throwing it out, because another teacher told them that a few kids were sending answer via text message...how dumb do you have to be?! honestly, it wasnt even a hard test, it was over the cold war! not rocket science...then we watched a movie, and i found myself doing the whole slowly falling then quickly getting back up thing...but my eyes were open the entire time...normally they're shut...it was a dull movie, then we sat and chatted, what a way to end the day

came home...feeling yucky....slept...woke up and here i am...

exciting, right?

crush me