perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

:: 2003 26 November :: 9.39 pm

"San Dimas High School Football Rules"

Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland,
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line.
I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.

We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two.
Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you.
Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss
Or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist...

These are the things that make me free
I feel like I'm stuck in "stand by me"
This night was too good to be true.

Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me,
I wanted us to be something that we'd probably never be.
Today you called me up and said you'd see me at our show,
But now I'm stuck debating if I even wanna go.

Whitney, don't you understand that what I say is true?
I just want you to know I have a major crush on you.
I'd drive you to Las Vegas and do the things you wanna do
I'd even have Wayne Newton dedicate a song to you.

I only wish that this could be
Just dump your boyfriend and go out with me
I swear I'd treat you like a queen.

good song....

crush me

:: 2003 26 November :: 9.37 pm

"Broken Promise Ring"

I really wanna call you, but I know that it's not right.
I probably shouldn't tell you but I dreamed of you last night.
I guess I'm not prepared to say...
Goodbye, so long, farewell, I won't be seeing you again
Until next time that he goes away.

You told me that you loved me, I started tearing down those walls.
I really started to trust you but you set me up to take the fall.
I guess I'm not prepared to say...
Goodbye, so long, farewell, I won't be seeing you again
Until next time that he goes away.

I guess that I'm wrong for falling in love,
But you're still the one that I'm dreaming of.
I guess that it's you I want to hold onto,
But you're holding onto someone else.

crush me

:: 2003 26 November :: 9.09 pm
:: Mood: ahh! break finally!
:: Music: the ataris

yes!! its break!!! no school for four days, i can sleep and do my idea/quote list for AS and eat turkey! i am so glad that it is break..honestly a break from school and from seeing certain people will be the greatest thing ever...its exactly what the doctor has called for...

last night was movie night with doug...and it was amazing! we watched X:2 with his mom and dad...i felt like part of the kolpien family :) and i cannot believe how much i had forgotten about the movie..and the ending still makes me very very angry...doug told me i was being stupid but i dont care! cliff hangers are horrible...grr..then when we left doug was telling me that next time we watch a movie together that carmen would like to join us...he was basically asking me permission, at first i joked and said no, but i told him that i didnt care...i mean carmen is a big part of dougs life and she is like a nano part of my life, and thats just screwy, so i told doug that i would be absolutely stoked to have her join us for a movie night...and i think my saying that completely made dougs day which makes me happy :) so now i can't wait until the next movie night, it should be a lot of fun

man, ive been feeling so unproductive lately...i think i need to be more active, maybe i'll get a gym membership with my christmas money...that would be fun...going to the gym every morning at 530...then going to school feeling like i had already accomplished something? that would be the day...plus it would help me get ready for track...ugh...i almost dread it but it will be a lot of fun...i always dread it though, and its really stupid to dread it because it always turns out to be fine, but idk, i guess i just want to do really well this year...you know? not have tucker complaining because the weight department is being stupid...hmm

well i emailed dani today...told her to get her butt up here to visit, hopefully she emails me back and i can see her soon...havent talked to her for awhile, and having her up here awhile ago was a lot of fun...so yes...manditory visit soon, hopefully over winter break :)

ahh...its the holiday season, i love Christmas, church is always great this month, everyone just becomes a little more cheerful than usual, and its just nice, idk im a big dork i guess, but i love it so i dont care

hmm...Thanksgiving is tomorrow..first one without Bernard...should be interesting, im scared, but it'll be ok, i have to get used to it sometime right? might as well be sooner than later...

so yea, i got rear ended the other day...girl behind me wasnt paying attention..good thing i had the truck, had it been my neon i probably wouldnt have a car, that neon is such a piece of shit...i feel bad that my dad has to drive it, but soon enough the truck will be payed off and then we can get something else :) but no damage in the accident to the truck, just this plastic thing was cracked and needs to be replaced, but its only sixteen bucks and she gets to pay for it...not to bad i guess.. at least it wasnt my fault

well i think ive rambled too long...Happy Thanksgiving everyone...be safe:)

crush me

:: 2003 22 November :: 5.16 pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: no doubt's new song

im sleepy!!
well odu lost....its cool though, it was a really good game

the parade was this morning...longest thing ever, i am definitely not marching it next year...there's no way

3 more days of school, then break!! i cannot wait for this break, im going to sleep and read grapes of wrath, that sounds soo nice right now

school's been going ok, american studies has been great the past couple of days because they've just been work periods...chem is coming along fine, i had a study thing with james monday night for the test, math is easy and thats pretty much eat, life's been easy lately, i dont know what ive done to deserve it though

amanda told me i have to wear my hair down a lot more now..i should work on that

hmm....tuesday night! doug and i are going to watch X:2, im very excited :)

last night we hung out at megans and played scatagories...fun times..we really are a bunch of dorks, theres is not a cool streak in any of us, and hopefully we get to play life tonight, because that game is amazing and very funny...my dream husband is andy nicholas:)

well i guess thats it.....

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 18 November :: 8.00 pm
:: Mood: im ready for break

Thanksgiving break needs to come right now. Im so ready for a break...from school...from friends...I still want to go out over break, but there are certain people that i dont want to see at all...i just need a break from them, its like everytime i turn around...there they are...its like go away! i want space! idk, maybe i'll stay home again this friday night...and hopefully this time sara and stevie wont come out..because when i say i want a night alone i want a night alone..away from everyone. i had a nice talk with megan after school tonight and i told her how i felt, we basically vented for an hour in her car, and she made me feel a lot better...i think i just need some time away, everything is getting to be a little too much lately, and im tired of having to deal with it...

this break really scares me though..Thanksgiving without Bernard? thats the scariest thing ever right now...i dont know how thats even going to work...is it going to be a meal filled with grief or are we going to act happy and remember that happier times, and laugh and be joyful? i wish i knew...

i did go to school today...wish i would have slept more but i didnt...i read grapes of wrath and watched some television, then went in for an SAB meeting, that was fun, cominghome should be cool...i havent decided if im going though...it will be fun, but idk...a night at home is so tempting right now...hell i think anything alone is tempting

4 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 18 November :: 11.56 am
:: Mood: yucky

i think about him for 23 hours....wondering if the baggage we both carry could sink a ship...if it would work?, if we're even friends? and if we get along and argue for the hell of it? or if i should just give it all up and move on...then in the 24th hours i realize i had been thinking about him for 23 hours and all i got out of those 23 hours is there's just something about him

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 16 November :: 9.34 pm
:: Mood: i dont like being sick...stupid father...

my dad has been sick the past few days...and now im sick, i dont like being sick

this was such a crazy weekend. i vowed to stay home friday night because plain and simple: i didnt want to go out. there was no reason for me to go out. so i stayed home, i had pjs on by 530 and a movie in, well sara and stevie came out, damn wenches, when a girl says she wants a night alone she wants a night alone, i dont get whats so hard to understand about that? then saturday i wrote my AS paper...4 freakin' pages, i think i rambled on too much, Mrs Dever wont be very happy about having to read it but she'll survive i promise:), then megan called me and we chatted for awhile and made plans to go see the play...congrats to everyone who had anything to do with the play, you all did an awesome job, and congrats to the crew for not dropping or breaking anything :). then we decided we wanted ice cream (we being me megs stevie and sara) so i called dunn and ended up talking to metcalf for 10 minutes..even though we didnt do a lot of talking haha anyway doug called he wondered what we were doing so he came and got ice cream with us (he gets the most disgusting stuff ever!) and he called carmen and she brought jackie, and then the 5 girls all went to saras and had a girls night...and it was an official girls night, we played life (very interesting) and then we fell asleep around 230 and i left at 730 to go to church
sunday doug called me after church and asked if i wanted to come into bg and watch "paths of glory" with him...i did, i had lunch with him too, his family is really nice, and his dad is cool, he asked how i tolerated doug :) the movie was very good though, i enjoyed its stupidity...all in all a good time with doug as always, except my feet were soo cold!! i did my idea quote list for the first 10 chapters of grapes...i really need to work on that :( other than that school's ok, and band is stupid...the end

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 14 November :: 4.15 pm
:: Mood: mellow

ahh, what is this? i must be on an updating rampage, i dont think ive ever updated this often..

man tonight is gonna be great, its a friday night and i plan on seeing no one, i havent stayed home in a long time, and im honestly looking forward to it, the only way i'll go out is if a certain someone calls, but we'll just have to wait and see

im talking to doug right now...he seems to have a nice night ahead of him, he seems to be really happy with life right now, i hate him for that :) im just playin douggie, you know i luv ya, but yea im happy for him, i just hope i can find that nice balance in life where i can be happy :)

i had a nice conversation with megs today, its good to finally see her get angry about something, and she rightfully is getting angry, and im glad, this is something to get angry about and she doesnt normally show her anger, but then again who am i to speak?

hmm...i love how one thought can just make you smile...im happy :)

crush me

:: 2003 13 November :: 4.11 pm

well i went and got a job application today...that was fun, hopefully this one works out because i really need some money, i feel so badly always having to ask my parents for money in order to go out, plus the fact i put no money whatsoever towards my car and i really should, i dont like being a mooch, so i really really want this job...i dont care if i have to kiss a social life goodbye...also Christmas is coming up and i never get really good gifts because i can never afford to give really good gifts, this year that really needs to change, now i realize that people say its the thought behind the gift that counts, but honestly what are you going to like better..a cheap piece of crap with thought behind it or a nice gift that works well and can be of good use with thought behind it? well we all know the answer to that...
today was ok, im getting annoyed by people really easily and i dont know what my deal is, i really should be more tolerant but its getting hard, i want to stay home tomorrow night and just veg, Lord only knows if that will happen though, people want me to go out, well too damn bad, i'll go out if something fun comes up but right now no one has any briliiant ideas so my answer's no, i like the idea of staying home, its entertaining
so megan wants me to get married now, that makes me laugh, i dont think i would marry him, thatd be too weird haha, but i can understand why she thinks we are cute together, hell i've heard that from like 5 people, and as egotistical as it sounds, i think we look cute and we act cute haha what can i say? he's never go for it though so i can dream, but thats probably as far as it will ever go
i was talking to amanda and angie the other day about track, im really excited about it this year, last year i wasnt really excited because i was stupid then, but this year im so ready, ive heard about two girls joining us, they're seniors, and they're bigger than me, but i dont care, i can throw 32 now, if they can hit that after taking two years off then they should be on varsity, they deserve it - but i really dont think thats gonna happen so 1st shot is mine :) and i'll take a 3rd year letter too
powderpuff has started..i havent been able to go to any of the practices though and i feel kinda bad, but im just gonna play center and noseguard again...so i think it should be ok, but hopefully we do a clean sweep this year, last year we only lost to the seniors so logically we should go all the way..that would be awesome
my mom went to the band meeting last night, shes gonna go to scotland with us so that will be very cool, im excited, it should be an awesome trip, basically its me and my friends going to scotland, minus the few who arents in bad...megan amanda stevie metcalf nelson and stretch, but they'll have eachother while we're gone, i dont know how long we're gone for...10 days? maybe? i dont really know i never read the letter all the way through
well we were supposed to have a girls night saturday night, but i dont really know if thats going to happen, because our location has been revealed so that has to be changed and i dont really know if it can be changed, so maybe we'll just call it off completely, amanda couldnt go to it anyway, so i dont know, as of right now i just want to say screw the world and just hang out with certain people this weekend - but we all know that will never happen, i never get to hang out with certain people, theres always others there, now dont get me wrong i like the other people, but sometimes the wrong combination = not a great time so yea
man ive been in such a funk lately, everynight before i go to bed i go through my cd collection and pull out the most depressing songs or the most romantic songs ever, im such a dork, i just dont get it
classes have been going well lately...i understand math - it couldnt be easier, chemistry is making sense plus we got candy todya whats not to like, spanish is fine and american studies isnt horrible...im getting everything in on time, im not behind and things are clicking in my head...remember english last year? nothing ever clicked, so it does...weird
there's been a slight improvement today...i only heard about the machine like 15 times, better than hearing about it every 5 minutes, i can't wait until that phase gets over with

thats it

crush me

:: 2003 12 November :: 3.58 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

im so sick of hearing about the machine, i dont understand it no matter how many times metcalf and nelson try to explain it to me, i guess my vision is "clouded" i dont really know, hell, i'll just let them destroy this machine so i can stop hearing about it

i felt horrible this morning so i stayed home 1st and 2nd period, it didnt really help but oh well, i still had to go in because of the AS field trip. the trip was fun, looked at some art which is always a good time, tomorrow i'll start going to powderpuff, havent been able to the past three days and i feel kinda bad, but its all working out now

ever get excited about something and then have it all torn down by people that mean the most to you? i have

4 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 8 November :: 10.52 am
:: Mood: im happy

thursday night was so much fun, it started out as a girls night with me amanda megan stevie and sara, we played operation, jenga, and life, life is amazing, that game is so much fun to play...the husbands, our houses, and our childrens' names...so much fun, then nelson and metcalf call wanting something to do, so they brought over tribond, and josh and doug came over...hardest game ever! but it was really a lot of fun, then we played some pictionary and then amanda and i left to go home...it was a lot of fun, we need to have more nights like that more often
yesterday was our capital university performance...we actually did ok, it all came together, it was fun, polaris mall is amazing and my mom and i are heading back down soon for a shopping trip, and lunch was fun, dinner was fun, so it really was an ok day, its just being in a dress for sooo long is kinda annoying, and the ride home seemed to take forever, and i got shafted and had to share a seat with ian...it wasnt bad, but i would really have liked to have had my own seat...oh well, i lived, i guess thats really all...todays saturday and i really have nothing going on as of yet...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 3 November :: 5.14 pm
:: Mood: blah

hmm...life seems to be taking some curves lately...everything has just been up in the air lately...i mean you had sara..she went through this whole love pentagon thing, i guess its narrowed down to one now, so thats better, now theres not too much guessing on our side, stevie had a triangle..i think its just one now?? i dont really know, come to think of it, i never really know with her, megan had a line and a half, pretty sure its just a line now...i dont even want to venture into her head ever, with all the crap shes been through this past week...i think id cry, jackie....yea we all know she has a line, and me, i had a line and a half, its just a line now...but its a faint line, now dont get me wrong i still like him, probably always will (pathetic i know) but ive come to reasoning that being friends with him is cool, i like hanging out with him, and if he doesnt like me enough to date me thats fine, i'll settle for hanging out with him and being his friend, the thought of that in itself makes me happy...i think the guys have been going through changes too...ian no longer likes megs, herringshaw...Lord only knows with that kid...jacoby..yea idk about him either (coincident? him and stevie?) and doug im pretty sure is set on one chick...i really hope that works out for him...just give her time douggie, you waiting but still being there...you're doing exactly what you should be :) james has his littl frosh that he likes...she likes him too so all is good in the life of james...except he's a horrible person...funny, but horrible

band concert tomorrow night...i hope no one goes because frankly we're gonna sound bad, and then friday is gonna sound bad, and headley's gonna be mad, and then we're gonnabe mad...yea idk, it should be interesting

a little while back i wrote a journal entry about feeling rejected...i stand behind it, i felt rejected at the time, but not anymore...i think everything is working out how its supposed to...i have a feeling things are going to change...soon

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 1 November :: 5.18 pm
:: Mood: im so happy

last night was a lot of fun...megan stevie and i dressed up in some of my dresses to pass out candy...sara was there too but she wasnt dressed up, but we saw the cutest kids ever and even though it got rained out i still had a lot of fun! then i called up dunn nelson and metcalf and we went to dunns house to watch a movie...snatch, ive seen it before and it was good, i liked it, then i took the girls back to megans house and i took metcalf home..we had an interesting conversation about "the Machine" and how i need to not get cucked into it anymore...it was nice..very entertaining
then this morning i woke up and my dad told me the best news ever...THE TRUCK IS MINE!!, im so excited i love that truck so yay! anyway, thats pretty much it for this update, nothing else to say...and no one makes comments anymore...jerks :)

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 30 October :: 4.19 pm
:: Mood: ok im better now

ok, im in a better mood today...not feeling so rejected..still feeling rejected though...maybe i'm just getting used to it so it doesnt feel so bad...that cant be good

i had a good day though, i sat with nelson during american studies, and while i was "reading" grapes of wrath he was writing poetry and i got to read some of it...i like it, he's talented, it was nice though, very calming...him writing while his head was on my desk and me reading, very nice...then i got to scratch doug's back...i think thats all im good for anymore...:) but i have that quiz in there to study for which i'll fail, and i have a spanish test to study for...and some chapters in grapes of wrath to read tonight...hmm..

after school stevie painted my one window again..i really wish she wouldnt..that makes my parents not happy and when they're not happy i get the lectures which in turn makes me not happy...so no more painting...metcalf actually complimented the truck though, it was crazy, he's been hanging around a lot more lately...i guess that means we're friends again? i dont really know..i would ask but he'd probably get annoyed or something and we dont need that..not after we've just started to get along again...that period during the summer where we didnt talk..that was hard, so im glad we're not there anymore :)

hmm tomorrow's Halloween...satan's holiday..oh joy, i thikn im gonna go to dunn's and stay with him while he passes out candy..he told me i couldnt...but i dont know if he meant it...if he did thats really mean...

metcalf told me a theory today...the group of people i hang out with...we're all a different color of clay...and then we hang out and the clay get all mashed together, then when we seperate we're all mixed up...we act like each other...i told sara, she thought it was cute..she didnt understand that he meant it in a mean way....jerk, oh well...

tomorrow's the band bowl...joy

crush me

:: 2003 29 October :: 9.55 pm
:: Mood: rejected

ok, so ive been kind of down and out these lsat couple days...i figured out why...i have this feeling of rejection linguring over me...plain and simple: i feel rejected...no one wants me, im not wanted...etc etc...i dont know what brought this on..i have plenty of friends, good family, blah blah blah...but still feel rejected, and it hurts...so ive been in this depressed mood...and my mom and i were discussing things the other day and with the trip to scotland and the possibility of her not coming...i have to go to the doctors and be put back on my anti-depressants...and that makes me depressed...ironic right? i thought so...but yea i dont want comments on this thing saying 'i love you' 'you're wanted'...thats bull, i dont believe it...hmm that sounded mean..oh well, get over it

crush me

:: 2003 26 October :: 3.27 pm
:: Mood: crushed

hmm..thursday was the worst day ever...it was my bday and nothing went well...i felt horrible...my friends decorated my car, and i shattered my drivers side window.

friday was ok, went to the game, we lost, went to megans, hung out, nothing special, went home

saturday, spent the day at hess's with dani nelson sara stevie and hess, then a whole bunch of other people came over..it was fun, i really had a god time

sunday..today was fun...spent the morning with dani went to DQ with her and ian, went and watched the boys play football...i feel like shit right now though...it sucks and i have an editorial to write and a studyguide to work on...woe is me

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 26 October :: 3.22 pm
:: Mood: :(

girl has problem. girl has boy problem. girl spends time with boy A. boy A is a nice boy. boy A is a good friend. girl spends time with boy B. boy B means a lot to her. girl cant seem to get boy B off her mind. girl spends saturday with boy C, has fun, but isnt really thinking much of boy C but boy C is still an option. girl also spends part of saturday with boys A and B. while girl thinks and stares at one, she can't help but think of the other. girl doesnt know which boy she likes. girl has problem. girl has boy problem.

4 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 22 October :: 9.54 pm
:: Mood: im not really in a mood...

so yea, i turn 17 in about 2.5 hours...am i excited? not really...should i be? i dont think so, but others do...its not that im not excited or im trying to be a big downer or something, its just i see nothing exciting about it..its just 17, theres nothing special about 17 except i can get into R rated movies legally...big deal, i can't go with anyone yet except nick and stevie...and nick will want to go with jackie so i'm left with stevie...maybe i'll take her to go see the new angelina jolie movie..

i asked my friends to not get me anything for my bday...they didnt listen, they got me something, i appreciate it, it shows they care i guess...idk

my parents keep asking me lately how things are going...and i always give a one word answer...its not like im trying to sound depressed or anything, its just that i dont feel like elaborating on the current happenings...its not really that big of a deal..

i havent been sleeping a lot lately, i dont really know what my deal is, i really wish i would sleep..it make the day a little better...all i want to do in classes is sleep and not listen and for some reason that pisses teachers off...i dont want to practice for band, i dont care about places in spain, density sparks no interest in me and i could really give a shit about indians being removed in 1890...i think im just cranky

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 19 October :: 2.39 pm
:: Mood: im ok, better than last night

i felt so horrible last night, i felt like a horrible person, but i feel a lot better about it now...i was sitting there in church this morning and i just got like this moment of clarity, it just felt like everything was going to be ok, so im just going to go with that, and think everything is going to be ok...

yesterday was so boring! i went out to lunch with the girls, then they drug me to for keeps and ben franklins so they could show eachother what they were getting me for my bday even when i specifically told them not to get me anything, they do it anyway and i had to stay in a designated part of the store where my gift wasnt located...they make me angry sometimes, but i guess it just shows they care :)
then sara and i went to my house, bummed around, went to visit tara at work, and saw bob, bob was wearing a neon vest...yea hes cool, then we went home, then we went back into town to see coomes and doug, then we crashed jacobys house, and ian called me from on-star and i was jealous, but he had to tell me they won their first hockey game so yay for him :)...then we just hung out, watched part of bowling for columbine...i swear i will never be able to watch that entire movie...i'll have to steal it from jacoby sometime...then i went home at midnight and talked to megan the whole way home...that was fun, late night convos woo!

i guess thats it...not a very exciting update...sorry

crush me

:: 2003 13 October :: 9.16 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

its been a long time and im sorry i havent updated sooner...ive really had no time, homecoming preparations have consumed my life but luckily its over! yay!

homecoming was a blast though!! BG finally won a game, and it was really nice that it was our homecoming, it just completed the night really. the guys were in such an amazing mood at megans house it was just awesome, everyone was in high spirits, and we even had a newcomer which was really nice. i stayed at megans that night and we had a nice conversation about our current situations, and for a brief moment before we finally said goodnight we had a sense of clarity, so we were all excited. saturday mornng bright and early we had to decorate, the decorations turned out awesome though, i was very impressed at how well it all came together...so congrats to evreyone who helped, you all were amazing!

the dance was so much fun, this is the first time all the girls had a date and it was just amazing, hess was a total gentleman the whole night, pulled out my chair at dinner, payed for my meal, and held my arm as we walked across the street so i wouldnt fall, so it was nice, i felt special, and megan and ian were too cute when they swing danced, and nick and jack were cute because you can just tell they love eachother...its almost sickening lol jk!, sara and baldwin looked to be having a good time....she actually danced thats a good sign right? stevie and steve...never really saw them...but im sure they had fun!! tara and winston...always a sight....and doug and carmen are just too cute! doug im serious, dances are your element, you just seemed to be having too much fun, and it was awesome, im bummed we didnt get to dance, but its cool, i didnt get to dance with ian or baldwin either but eh, no biggie...it was just a great night, minus the fact i felt like a had a stalker but hess and i just ignored it...the after party was fun, mutt and herringshaw and john joined the group, we just hung out and it was nice...ive had so many comments about me looking "cozy" with someone...idk, i think im just gonna try this friends thing with him, its nice to be talking again and im not gonna push it...i had a nice chat with ian that night, i love that kid, hes like my brother and to see him bummed makes me feel bummed so chatting with him while trying to sleep on the porch was fun...cold...but fun, so in the middle of the night i left him and went to the security of my own bed...hehe...

but its monday now...back to school, everyone was totally draggin today, and oddly enough there was no gossip really from the dance...weird!

and i just wanna give my regards to sara and her family...life probably feels really sucky now, but it'll get better i promise....and no more being stupid on potter road!!

3 heartless bastards | crush me