perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 20 June :: 10.15am
:: Mood: depressed, eh?

Nostalgia Suicide
Bleeding
Losing what you need
Nothing left
So pull the trigger
Wrap it tight
End it
Your friends left
Your love is lost
You are hated
So end it
You have nothing
To live for anymore
Everything you know
Isn�t there
The nostalgia brings tears
Of times past
Good times had by all
Parties of great furor
A great scene
Now trees
No long stand where they did
Fields overrun by urban rubble
People are evil now
So end it
Slit it quick
Drink it slow
End it
End the pain

Quote of the day:
"Rotting from the inside
Over-incubated by the heat of fear and love
The self's coagulated"

5 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 17 June :: 6.19pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Iron Maiden

Wee!!!
Long time, eh? I would have updated sooner but it was fucking up...let's see...I went on vacation, starting on Saturday the 7th...We drove down to Charlotte, N.C., to visit family...then on Sunday, we drove down to Myrtle Beach...we spent the rest of Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday there...Wednesday, we left and drove up to Gettysburg...Thursday, we toured the battlefields, and Friday we returned home...Saturday I saw the second "Fast and Furious"...it was alright, nothing spectactular...Sunday was boring, and Monday Coomes came over...I've gotten into Tribes 2, which is almost as addicting as Diablo 2...Monday night, I had a baseball game...I made contact with the ball, and that was about it for the game...I got to play first base, so that made me a bit happy...

Quote of the day:
"The demon in your mind will rape you in your bed at night"

9 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 6 June :: 9.59pm
:: Mood: depression, with little euphoria here and there...

Who'll read this while I am gone?
Off on vacation for a week or so...who will read this while I'm gone? If you do, please comment...It'll make me happy...
See depression, under mood? I am always depressed, and pretty much always about the same stuff...girls, school, friends, etc. Well, hopefully, that will change soon...School is over, so maybe it is a rebirth for me...Maybe, somehow, I'll meet a girl that will go for me...school can no longer depress me, so my depression will surely go downwards...but then there is baseball...why can I not play well? Only two games have passed, so maybe it is just because I haven't played in a long time...
Euphoria, you say...what is it? Extreme happiness, when good stuff happens to me...such as having a friend come and see me...that really made my day very nice and bright...I finished my art project, and Mrs. Meyers wants to put it into the mall exhibit...so go me...

Oh, and if you read this, I am sorry that I did not see you Friday night...we did not get a picture together...

Quote of the day:
"Give the finger to the rock 'n' roll singer
Who is dancing on your paycheck
Who's sales climb high, into the sky
Like a giant dildo crushing the sun"

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 3 June :: 8.34pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: GYBE!

Whoop-de-fucking-doo
Yeah, that sums up my life...a whole lot of nothing...what the fuck is there going on for me right now? Baseball? Phht, my first game, and I don't fucking play, and I strike out the only time I am up...fuck that...Hmm, vacation coming up...Fucking school is ending...So I aksed that girl to a movie, yeah, and now it seems like she doesn't want to talk to me...hmm, maybe I have that effect on people...I am a good friend, and that is as far as it goes...Like someone would be embarassed that I like them, or even that I would ask them...Why does everything fucking suck? My fucking art project might come together, and It might now, so what the fuck...I hate this...

Quote of the day:
"You're breaking my heart,
You're tearing it apart
So fuck you."

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 30 May :: 6.21pm
:: Mood: depression...
:: Music: Random shit...

Well, today was kind of fun...We started to disect earthworms in science class today...it was very interesting...we finished "Life is Beautiful" today in Smathers' class...it has a very good ending...other than that, nothing good...

Oh, well, I asked la belle fille to a movie this weekend, but she said she was busy...hmm...

Quote of the day:
"Meanwhile back in the year One,
when you belonged to no-one,
you didn't stand a chance son,
if your pants were undone.
`Cause you were bred for humanity
and sold to society
one day you'll wake up
in the Present Day
a million generations removed from expectations of being who you really want to be."

:: 2003 27 May :: 12.00am
:: Mood: depression

Failure
Deep within
A swamp with black water
Corpses floating
Motionless, facedown
Bottled up fears,
Wants, desires
Are the stepping-stones
Leading across

Deep within,
A field with golden sunbeams
Flowers swaying gently
In the beckoning wind
There, in the middle
She stands, flowing with the wind
Timid, she blushes,
Beckoning you to her

You want to, but are afraid
Of the possible outcome
You gather your reason,
Strength, and will, and go for it

The corpses sink as
You pressure them

All along, these corpses
Are what have kept
One from another,
Light from dark

A cold black surrender
Draws you, soothingly, in
The spot where you broke through
Is take up, sealing you in

You sink further down
Wondering always why these corpses are
They kept you from she
You failed, you are forfeit

Quote of the day:
"Pull me down again
And guide me into pain "

:: 2003 25 May :: 11.45pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Opeth

Drab waters
Walking down the beach
With the waves of misery drowning your feet
Crunching the crabs that crawl
Away from the waves

There is a lapse in the waves of misery
A shining light of hope
Leaving the beach
Out into the ocean

Misery strikes back
Twice as fierce
The under toe pulls
Out into the ocean

No escape from its grasp
For misery loves company
Tearing down all the foundation
Of what shelter is there

Again a shining light is seen
The last ditch effort
To save, to break
The bond of misery

Quote of the day:
"For those with wings, fly to your dreams."

:: 2003 21 May :: 7.34pm
:: Music: Opeth...

*growls*
Hmm...I'm bored, so I decided to update my journal...I believe that math will be the end of me...because I overlook what to do in these God foresaken proofs...They suck...hmm...Finnish goth opera is quite weird...hmm...I haven't really done anything recently...I went bowling on saturday, and also went to Britt's for a shindig...it was full of potato-launching goodness...that is about it for this update...quote...hmm...

Quote of the day:
"We will be geared to the average rather Than the exceptional
God is an overwhelming responsibility
We walked through the maternity ward and Saw 218 babies wearing nylons
Cats are on the upgrade
Upgrade? Hipgrave. Oh, Mac."

:: 2003 16 May :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: depressed...
:: Music: Opeth...

weird, huh?
Well, I went to go see the Highschool's presentation of "The Complete Works of Shakespeare: Abridged"...I went with Winston, Josh, and Tara...I saw a lot of my friends there...it was good, I liked it...
Opeth, eh? Weird how my musical taste shifts from genre to genre...I still like the same old stuff, JT, Zepp, Racer X, etc. but I think it is good that I am broadening my horizons...well, as far as the musical world is concerned...
My feelings seem to be growing, my feelings for a certain individual...sometimes it makes me feel so shitty that I wish I didn't like anyone...I wish it was choice, more than a total lapse of will...Maybe these feelings will end up more than just pain and sorrow...tomorrow is always a new day, with courage and pain...

Quote of the day:
"Through arching moonbeams of light we glide
In bending shadows of warm starlight
Angels of colors light the night as they fly
Transcending into the electric sky"

:: 2003 4 May :: 5.29pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Iron Maiden

So, we didn't do too well on Friday night, but it doesn't really matter....I had an okay time...I liked the bus ride home, so that made it a bit enjoyable...
Saturday, I saw X-Men 2, which was pretty good...Nightcrawler is the biggest badass ever...Being a teleporting German would kick ass...
Today, I went and listened to the Concert band with Britt and Sara...then we ewnt to Rally's and Meijer, for some odd reason, Mutt followed us there...
I've had more weird dreams that contradict my conscious thought...I really wonder what it all means...I feel really good when I wake up, for some reason...maybe I should follow my dreams...

Quote of the day:
"They don't sleep anymore,
On the beaches"

:: 2003 4 May :: 5.29pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Iron Maiden

:: 2003 1 May :: 7.22pm
:: Music: Random songs off my HDD

nothingness
It's been a while since I've been around, but I'm back to rule you motherfuckers...
16 years old as of the 21st...I got plenty of stuff, including four DVD's: Castle in the Sky, Kiki's Delivery Service, Princess Mononoke, and Spirited Away...I got a few video games also, and a few T-shirts...I also got $90 and a Headphone amp...
I am currently jerking it to Golden Sun: The Lost Age...
School's been okay, kind of sucky actually...people can piss me off really easily...first week back from break, and I've had so much to do...I've read a lot in Nectar, and haven't filled anything out, so that pisses me off...We watched Gattaca in skienze, which wasn't that bad...I really hate art class, because they restrict what I can do so much...I drew up an image for a clay sculpture, but they ended up telling me that it wasn't what "THEY WERE LOOKING FOR"...since when the fuck does art have to be looked for? I understand that they have to limit what I do somewhat, but not to this much of a degree...other than that, I can't think of any reason else why school would make me angry...

I've been confused a bit lately, because I've been having weird dreams lately...they completely contradict what I feel in my conscience...I don't know if this is what I'm really supposed to feel, or do , or what...I need to find my answers soon...

Quote of the day:
"There's a feeling she can't explain
that no one can understand
She just needs to get away
but they're no where that she can go"

:: 2003 17 April :: 10.04pm
:: Music: GYBE!

Eh...Back Again...
Wow, since the last time...I've watched a whole anime series...wee...Hellsing owns everybody...It is great...I want to be like Arucard when I grow up...School has beengoing okay...I had my lit circle today, and I'd say that it went pretty well...nothing happened that could get me killed by Mrs. Dunn...I borrowed Timesplitters 2 from Brendan, and I have been playing that for a while...it is fun...and this was my update...

Quote of the day:
"They don't sleep anymore,
On the beaches"

:: 2003 8 April :: 8.27pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: Just stuff

Well, I've got two tihngs due by this Friday...A paper for Smathers and Idea/Quote list for Dunn...I must get working...I've been doing some driving recently...I'm up to about 4 hours...I am going to learn ont he stick, but I've been driving with the van...Nothing much else has gone on around here...so adios...

Quote of the day:
"Wanna tell you about the girl I love
My she looks so fine
She's the only one that I been dreamin' of
Maybe someday she will be all mine "

:: 2003 7 April :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: depressed, pissed off...
:: Music: Crimson Glory

A poem by me...
Running

Running through the forest.
Not caring, running takes all cares away.
Running to something, unknown,
Running from nothing,
Running to somewhere?

Running brings back memories.
Memories of past events
That I have run from.
Now that I have grown,
I run from nothing.

Too much is tangled
This space is foggy
Groping for my way,
As I run blindly through this forest.

A light ahead,
While running,
Can mean the end,
Can mean more running,
Could be an answer.

Now I�ve reached that light
It has cleared all that was foggy
I see I must keep on running.
I must keep on running,
To get back to the forest

Having found the light
I know what I search for.
For if there is one side, one light
There must be another,
On the other side of the forest

Back in the fog,
Not understanding
Why I�m back here.
But I must not doubt
My instincts.

A new light is coming
As I close upon my �prey�
My motion slows
I fear I may not reach
What I am running to.

I dig down, finding my
Strength to reach my goal.
I feel the warmth
I feel the understanding
I feel it.

I have found the object of my desire
I have cleared this space, this forest
No longer tangled in my mind
It has come upon me
I have found my answer.

Quote of the day:
"May your sun be blown out like a candle
and your blue moon drip with blood
May your sky be rolled up like a scroll
and your sea burn like tar"

:: 2003 1 April :: 9.18pm
:: Music: JT, yo...

I can take the hint...
It's been awhile since I've updated...stuff has happened since then...well, not really...I made 60 dollars in one day, which was cool...$10 from the rebate of Zelda, $40 for chores (I'm not that snobbish, it was just a while since I had been paid) and some other money...yeah, so I have started running everyday, so I am not anylonger fat (I'm not fat)...I've also started curling, just to build my biceps up...I'll soon start on my tri and quadraceps...I am been consumed by WW for this whole weekend, but I am quickly getting bored of it...yeah...I've been faithfully reading "Rocket Boys" so I am not far behind in English...contrary to what I thought, I am not behind at all in art, although I thought myself to be quite far behind...So yeah...I recently got a new CD...on someday...I don't know if I put it in my journal last week, so meh...It is "Getting Heavier" by Racer X, my favorite rock band...yeah...that's about it for today...

Quote of the day
"The sun don't shine
The wind won't blow
When you go hide
Without your love
I'm lonely
Deep inside"

:: 2003 26 March :: 10.04pm
:: Mood: guess
:: Music: Racer X

Hah, today, Wednesday...almost closer to acheiving my goal that no one knows about, and no one shall ask about...but tally ho, extra credit for Biology is grand, 100 whopping points...nice...Zelda: WW is quite fantastic, quite amazing...all that huffing over the cel shading was for nothing...I've never seen a game look so good before, so smooth...(well, MP is there also)...argh...well...this is a hell of an update, eh? I'm going to make a conceited effort to update more often...and to not scare Britt so much...

Quote of the day:
"Crashing through the city streets
Caught in the glare of the midnight sun"

:: 2003 23 March :: 6.29pm
:: Mood: depressed...
:: Music: GYBE!

Heh...
So, I had a good time last night, with Brendan...We stayed up 'till 4 this morning playing some Timesplitters 2, which was kick ass...we also watched an anime that seemed to be a blatant copy of EVA...before that, we went to an international dinner down at TU...it was alright...our table was the last to be dismissed to go get food...took way too long also...I am about to go to church, so I'll catch you around...

Quote of the day:
"My hand gets tired and my dick gets sore
But the girls of porn want more
So I flip through the pages one more time
and let the jism fly"