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2005 11 August :: 3.00 pm
I guess I wont be having and drastic changes in plans. Everyone suggests I stay at Bolivar so, I will. I'll always think deciding to attend college was a big mistake for me to make.
I've come to another corner. This is where I'm widely known for throwing up my hands and giving it all up. We'll see what is to come. Not a lot could be worse than the way I'm feeling right now.
I don't even know why I bothered to begin with.. I should've known I'd never pull anything off.
I could say a lot in this entry but I'd rather not piss anyone off or disappoint anyone else anymore than I have already so, I'll leave it at that.
Shoot Me |
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2005 10 August :: 10.50 pm
...every damn crisis that happens seems to have happened
When my grandmother cries you know things are nothing but wrong. She keeps everyone else's hope up even in the worst of times. Now, she too, is having trouble keeping her head up... from car accidents to crushing family news.. we're all struck down - together. Jacked up karma, shall we say?
. I could take every fucking game you play .
. -and- blow it all away .
. but would you even care .
. I could take all those lies you said to me .
. -that- never go away .
.-that- never disappear .
Damn it - every freaking thing. I'm just frustrated and confused...
I just wish I could do something about everything that's wrong.
. now I see the times they change .
. leaving doesn't seem so strange .
. I am hoping I can find .
. where to leave my hurt behind .
. all this shit I seem to take .
. all -alone- I seem to break .
6 Blank's |
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2005 7 August :: 12.50 am
. forgotten thoughts of yesterdays .
. through my eyes I see the past .
This hasn't been a good weekend. Not at all. Not only because of what has happened but even what hasn't. It's just been long and seemingly hard to make it through. It was my last weekend to hang out in Weaubleau. The last weekend to see Mike acting pissed as he lurks around... but I'm tired of it. I'm ready to change my ways for good. I know I have better waiting for me somewhere.. someday.
I've been really depressed all weekend though. I'm just blah. I don't know why, maybe 'cause I finally realize what I'm facing. Also, the issue with my parents support -the lack thereof- has been bothering me going into the college scene. That's alright.. I'll either get over it or die with it. Either one will work. I have a feeling my past will stick with me for a while though. Don't get me wrong, I don't want my memories to go away.. if I did, I'd just might as well wish away everything I know and every ability I have to someone else because everthing I have has come from my past. It also helps me to realize and respect everything I have going for me now.. being able to clearly see all I'm lucky enough to experience and everyone I get a chance to know.
I'm saying too much in this entry.. getting all personal and everything. If any of you I speak to wishes to know more about anything you know all you have to do is ask.
I doubt this entry even made sense considering I've been drinking a bit and can hardly form a complete sentence without deleting it five times. I'll fix it tomorrow.. today, whatever.
3 Blank's |
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2005 2 August :: 6.30 pm
Well....
I don't really know where to begin. Quite a bit has happened since the last update.
I went to a concert last night... Crossfade and Dark New Day. Not too great. I left about halfway through and talked to Tiff the majority of the rest of the concert - a good trade if I do say so myself.
My back is really messed up thanks to a softball bat. If I live for ten more years I'll be paralized. Atleast I hope most 18 year olds feel as old as I do.
I don't want to be here right now... not at all. After having a decent two days without both of them I just wish they'd disappear. Why cant they be the type of parents that just drop the fact that they ever even had a child? Then it'd be easier for me to not come back.. knowing I had no reason and no dedication.
It was great to see you. I didn't want to leave - I wish I never had to. The house is really looking nice. I don't think I have the patience and dedication to do all of that work. I can't wait to see how it looks when everything is placed and organized. Also, you really need to keep me updated with pictures now.
I paid for my first semester at SBU today. I need to pick-up my books. I'm sure there is a lot of crap I need to do that I won't know about. Whatever, it doesn't matter anyway.
But.. nothing important or unordinary that I remember. If I think of anything I'll be sure to post. Anyway... I need to find something to do I suppose. I'm running out of pictures to put in my scrapbook already. My creativity is drained right now anyway. Off to find... something...
. make me into the one you want .
. into the one you need you bend and break me .
. you watch me separate myself from who I really am .
. to fit into your plan .
..
. you're cutting me in two .
. and ripping me in three .
. you're killing with those words you say to me .
. you're cutting me in two .
. and ripping me in three .
. how many pieces can you take from me .
..
. take it .
. whatever's left is only following routine .
. fake it .
. and give in to the thoughts that being bought is what I am .
. to fit into your plan .
[.edit.]
I forgot to tell all of you... my count is now 35.
4 Blank's |
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2005 27 July :: 7.30 pm
I can't believe you're actually gone. It really sunk in as I walked away this evening. It's not going to be a quick 20 minute drive and I'm fixed again scenario anymore. I'm looking at these family pictures I took of you guys and it just knocks every source of life out of me. This will be the hardest transition and adjustment I've ever had to face. I hope things work out better than my pessimistic head tells me they will. I know I'm being extremely selfish... who could avoid it when they've had you around for as long as I've been fortunate enough to.
By all means.. I do wish you the best in your new home. I'll still be a phone call away if you need anything. I hope you take advantage of that.
Other news... back to hell at home. I've already cried once and I've been home an hour and a half. Strength just isn't in me anymore. I'm so emotional now.. the easiest to break. My father is being rough on me this evening. I don't know what I'll do to escape more severe injury tonight. I doubt I will escape it...
The real reason for not committing suicide is because I always know how swell life gets again after the hell is over. I told Evan last night.. I don't think I'll ever make it through my first semester of college. Too many things are hitting all at once for me to balance myself enough to handle them.
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