::
2003 7 December :: 9.49 pm
:: Mood: blah
just releasing some steam...
here I go... again.
Is it wrong that I fought against all I have inside until I could fight no more? Wrong I dont want my past? I may have one thing deep inside but I try to be another.
I am just a shell with nothing left inside. What do you want? What more can I do?
Enough hypocrisy, time for fucking reality. What it all boils down to is very bad news.
This is my blood, maybe you should touch it, it should tell you things, no one else knows. My secrets, my mistakes, my life, is all right here. It comes from a voluntary wound, does that tell you anything more? Am I still "ok"?
If I were to pray, I would pray for god to crush me, into tiny unmendable pieces. My heaven is a rainy Thursday in October. Is that supposively normal? Hence the entire fucking idea.
I give a complete new meaning to pill popping. It is out of control.
So I came from a home full of alcohol and abuse, I dont talk about that, I'd rather talk about the voices in my head and how strangely while making me subside from everything, it makes me feel better, knowing that something is still faithful.
Today Im valued because I am sometimes a good person, I dont lie, cheat, steal, or break promises. But... does that really make me a good person? Maybe just a bad person with good intentions. To make everything ok, to cover it up.
No one escapes, what they feel inside. What is the attempt gain? Maybe while attempting to make everyone believe that I dont care, I am only making it worse for myself. Attempting to overcome and only letting it all overcome me.
This is the game of being alive, who in the fuck do you think you are? I just fail to understand, and quite fucking frankly, I dont want to know. You sick piece of fucking shit.
Fearing what you've done makes you fear what you have to do. Im afraid of everything. I fear what no one else would. All attempts of commitment, sharing, gaining, losing, and all other normal occurances, I, quite fucking honestly, am scared completely of.
We all try to commit suicide, everyone has tried a hot dog. I mean really, what is the big fucking deal? The facts are right on your fucking face, look for the obvious, dont ignore everything that would make you seem fucking flawless, always remember someone, somewhere, knows.
What if overnight everything you owed anything to was obliterated? It would make you feel empty. None of us live without someone allowing us to. Everyone owes something. We all borrow, sometimes never intend on paying back, but what would we life for with nothing to work towards?
I have an urge to set in the middle of central park at 4 in the morning and just see what would happen. Care to join me?
Do you not like this conversation? It gets worse from here.
Im losing ground. I try to learn to live dead, numb, but I see something I want, an opportunity, and there goes everything. With nothing I am queen. With something, I feel like shit. Is that supposed to be fucked up like that?
This is so hard, I want to get away from here soon. Soon will I be afraid of the 'men beneath the couch with knives' or afraid of the 'voices in the closet of little kids being tortured' ? I dont want that, but in order to not get to that, something must happen. Its all upon me to make it, and I dont think I can.
Would you let me scream in your face if you knew I could take it no more? If you were to hear I took my own life, would you be the first to make sure I were dead, or the first to shed a tear? Do you even know what you would do?
Prepare yourself for anything, there are endless possibilities.
Has all of this been ambivilant to you?
My virtue is that, I lack everything.
In the new century, I think we wil all be insane.
1 Blank |
Shoot Me |
