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Aaron
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2003 28 November :: 7.09pm
i'm going to schweitzer...i won't be back until sunday...g'bye.
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Aaron
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2003 28 November :: 7.06pm
so you understand what this is...i just wrote a five page private entry...this is the last paragraph in it.
in that moment in time i fell back into that coma type existance i had been in for so long...and i don't want to come out...ever....i want to hide for eternity....every time i come out of my trance i get fucked over...fucked because i am too gentle...i care too much, i bring too much down on those around me...good bye.....good bye...good bye until i can crawl out of this hole again and brave the tortures of my hell...this doesn't mean i don't love you. this doesn't mean i won't be back for years like the last time. it doesn't mean i won't be back by tomorrow, or in just a few hours...it just means until the one i love...the one i depend on allows me to lean on them again i'll hide...hide like a cowardly little boy...goodbye now....i'd tell you i love you but i know you'd rather not hear it...that you really don't care...
i think i'll be okay...i just need to think...some time to think...i feel like i'm going to break down and cry....just give me a minute.
2 Comments |
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Aaron
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2003 27 November :: 8.22pm
"Fascination Street" by "The Cure"...i have to remember that...
7 Comments |
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Aaron
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2003 27 November :: 8.12pm
:: Mood: releived
:: Music: rolling by soul couphing
i swear i saw him!
Ok, so i saw him in a dream once, and when i saw that plastic jack-o-lantern it for a moment looked just like the one in my dream. so i placed the copper-plated shot into the pistol, closed the hatch, pumped it TWENTY ONE times, cocked it, put the barrel in it's mouth and turned off the safety, and leaned my face close to it and cursed him for all it had done to her, spat on it...and pulled the trigger. it wasn't until the junk of pink plastic the size of a cherry flew out of the back of it's head that i realized it was not him. maybe i am going insane...i think pumpkins look like him...pink pumpkins...and i seriously thought it was him...he didn't help! maybe it was his fault i though it was him.....well, almost time for dinner...
i miss you tori...we'll talk tomorrow, won't we? i love you...more than i think you know.
later,
Paul
2 Comments |
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Aaron
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2003 27 November :: 5.16pm
:: Music: smells like teen spirit, Nirvana
i miss my girl...
one person does know me...and she's currently 120 miles away and can't even get on IM because of this whole "big dead bird day" tradition. man, i miss her already. jesus...lol, alex and maddy are playing video games and alex is attacking a the invinsable and extremely explosive objects causing him to be blown to hell and back. god, this kid is insane (song switches to rooster by alice in chains) yeah, well...life is okay for the moment. it is a battle, a long bloody battle, full of these cycles. but i swear, i'll break 'em, every last shitty-ass cycle is going to get a nice big fuck up the ass. i'm so sick of them, so sick of what they do to people. i can't take it much longer...but if i have her, i can hang in as long as i need to. see, that's what being dependant on someone who actually loves you can do for you. you have this unlimited power source. when i'm around her i get totally rejuvinated. i feel so free and powerful and limitless...the feeling i get in my gut when i can't tell which pulse is mine and which is hers. the feeling i get every time i replay the sound of "yes" falling from her sweet voice. she's the only girl i've ever met that i think looks just as good with her hair up as she does with it down. (song switches to freedom by rage against the machine, i'm listening to accuradio) so here i am, recording my thoughts of her...chewing on the end of the stick of a tootsie pop (i already ate all the candy off of it) and slumping in this chair wearing my preppy quick silver sweater that none of you have ever seen me wear and those light brown pants i have...hey tori, remember when you cut the zipper thingy? well on one side all the strings seperated and are SO bushy right now. well, yeah...you guys saw my gap boxers and teased me about my "preppy cloths"...well, this pair of pants, which i was wearing that day, and the pair identical only darker to thhem are from old navy. all of my boxers are either from nordstrom's, the gap, or old navy. my solid black belt? j. crew. so...any one in the least bit surprised about this? (song switches too basket case by green day...more accuradio) well guys, i should hang out with maddy alex...you guys are awesome. i love you tori. -big huggs-
later,
Paul
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Aaron
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2003 27 November :: 5.07pm
:: Mood: high..irritated by phillip and fiona and this godd
:: Music: sweet dreams, marilyn manson
waterity water water water
"What's your element" - Results:
Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a good communicator. Incredibably loving and loyal when your trust is gained and you are fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river but nobody truly knows you.
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:
Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a
good communicator. Incredibably loving and
loyal when your trust is gained and you are
fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is
in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river
but nobody truly knows you.
What's your element
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wow...well, the description is fitting.
3 Comments |
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Aaron
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::
2003 27 November :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: ...what do you think? so far away, staind
"So Far Away"
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
cuz i
i must be sleeping
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today
these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before
somebody shake me cuz i
i must be sleeping
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today
i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
in all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today
so far away...maybe the world is going to leave. i'll save her from it...i'll break these cycles...but i can't do that if she doesn't trust me. difference between me and those two. we can start with the fact that i love her. yay. now what else...well, i have both the maturity and strength to handle the shit given to me by the world. something they both lacked. i care more about her than anything else. my grades, my music, my horses, even my goddamn life, pathetic as it is, falls so far below her, and her interests, and her needs, and all of her dreams and hopes, that it would seem that i live for her. which, infact, is entirly correct. i do live for her. something they both lacked. now all these comparison's really aren't going to get me anywhere. i am not them, in any way shape or form. i love tori, and i'll keep her forever. no one can convince me other wise. :P!!! so there. now that we have this settled, why don't we move to the events of last night? well...it started with me talking to tori and then my brother wanting to check his email which he done not ten minutes earlier and was perfectly capable of doing elsewhere, he just never did. well, my parents got really pissed at me when i told him to just get off his lazy ass and walk upstairs and check it himself and they unplugged the computer in the middle of our conversation. i got pissed and yelled at them for being unresonable and unfair and pretanding that they were the supreme rulers of my life and they took my crutches and left me standing there and went into their room to talk. well they forgot, obviously, that the only thing between me and walking is a whole lot of pain. so i walked outside of their door and heard them talk about how they thought they should send me to the hospital. well, at that point i barged in and from 9:30 to 11:30 we combated each other verbally, and though they denied it all three of us knew i had kicked their asses (go debaters!) so they didn't take me to the hospital though i think they still beleive i am insane, and maybe i am. but whatever, it doesn't matter. they are not putting me in a fucking straight jacket. in fact, my winning argument was that throwing me into an insane asylim because i have the idea that my parents shouldn't have 100% control over me would be kinda like how they locked up divinci for beleiveing that the world was round. there were two similarities.
1: he got locked up
2: he was right
so there you have it folks, i kicked the asses of my parents. though they refused to admit it, i did. well, i have to go now, but i'll be online at my cousin's house. i love you tori, XO.
later people,
Paul
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Aaron
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2003 27 November :: 1.10pm
:: Mood: comforted
:: Music: some smashing pumpkins song...a happy one. it's playing in maddy's room.
Tori,
i'm supposed to be leaving in about thirty seconds, which doesn't give me much time, though i'll be on MSN messanger at my cousin's house. i'm all apolagies about last night. my dad unplugged the computer...anyway, i'll talk to you more later...i don't think you'd apreciate me continueing the conversation where everyone can see it. just know this. love is a verb. it is the act in which you become dependant on something or someone. i know your fear. i have that same fear. but i'm still that person you've trusted for five years. that person isn't leaving. minor changes may occur, but that is simply natural as ones hystory grows. i love you. i have become dependant on you. i live for you. and i would be no where without you.
with all the love of the world and whatever lies beyond, i am yours.
Paul
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Aaron
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2003 25 November :: 11.59pm
:: Mood: frightened
:: Music: my immortal, evanescence
again...it's haunting me.
tori...i need you...i'm frightened. i can feel the temptation rising...i don't know why....please, tori, call me or something...i won't be online much longer....please.
3 Comments |
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Aaron
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2003 25 November :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: happy/tired/anxious...he's almost free! ^.^
tori..i wasn't. i deleted the message and i can't even remember the email adress. i have nore respect for you than that. i don't even have that much of a desire to talk to him. i think you need to learn to trust me more ;). i love you. no idea where you are at the moment. i know you said you were going to either nora's or sophie's house to do a science project...pretty sure it was nora. anywho, i'm on until nine. see ya soon.
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Aaron
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2003 23 November :: 5.53pm
thinking about it...should i tell her? later. much much later...now is just not good for her...i think this needs to brew longer, too. i still haven't found out everything,.
5 Comments |
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Aaron
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::
2003 23 November :: 3.57am
:: Mood: tired/pained/happy/lonely
:: Music: techno on tori's computer, now on mine!
tori's eyeware
i say get contacts. no hiding for you missy. besides, i think you'll like it...i know i would. the glasses dim your eyes, though my opinion shouldn't matter to you...well actually, it should. but don't let it sway your decision. you choose, though my vote is for contacts...
3 Comments |
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Aaron
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2003 22 November :: 11.54pm
goddamn it tori, i miss you like hell. i am dying. i am also sober, if that at all speeds your return. though, i am in large amounts of pain and will probably take a painkiller again very very soon. tons of love, XO, your own manic retard,
paul.
post script: though i made quite sure you heard with comments in your journal, my cousin showed me the link to the site from which the techno on your computer originated. it was most hystarical and random. i was most impressed when they played rammstien (german anarchist, let me enphasize this, ANARCHIST heavy metal band) as the theme song to the nazi crab which so malevolantly tried to steal poor blotes zepplin and was foiled by the combined forces of mr. pringle in a minitary tank and hairy in the zepplin itself, though it was hairy that stopped him and not mr. pringle and his military tank...how sad. (goddamnit i talk funny when i'm fucking sober, where the hell are my narcodics???!!!??!!?!)
7 Comments |
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Aaron
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2003 22 November :: 9.41pm
:: Mood: lonely/hungry
:: Music: techno on tori's computer
ah...i had and anger rush today...i dropped a knife on my foot. i didn't mean to of course but i did and it squirted blood up and around. it was funny. so...i watched a LIVE world war 2 movie...it was a little unnerving, i mean, you're watching real people get mutilated with flame throwers and shells and you begin to wonder "what if that were me? would anyone cry for me? would anyone care if i were that guy getting melted alive?" it was pretty bizarre. -sigh-...tori is at a movie. i miss her...hurry back love. i need to speak with someone.
11 Comments |
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Aaron
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2003 22 November :: 6.41pm
ah man...it was 3:33, but now it's 3:34....sad
2 Comments |
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Aaron
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2003 22 November :: 6.31pm
wow...look at all that blood. did i do that?
1 Comment |
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Aaron
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2003 21 November :: 6.59pm
lmao!!! right as i say that she and morgan call on a cell phone and tell me they're coming over!!! hahaha...yay!!! i can't wait to see her.
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Aaron
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2003 21 November :: 6.50pm
tori should be on soon...yay! hehehe...i miss her...*sigh* i wanna hang out with her but she has to go to her dad's house.
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Aaron
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2003 21 November :: 6.41pm
"when one is on narcodics, it's pretty easy to stare at a wall for ten hours and not think about anything at all"- paul d. mahugh
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Aaron
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2003 21 November :: 5.30pm
hey guys...how'd you put music in your journal? i think mine could really use some...
10 Comments |
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Aaron
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::
2003 21 November :: 5.29pm
:: Music: unwell, matchbox twenty
unwell
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind
[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell
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Aaron
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2003 21 November :: 4.20pm
:: Mood: high...really fucking high...
a name for my knee
i think i'll name it...SAMMY!!! fitting...it's stupid and fat and ugly and annoying and....hehe....drugged up. my knee shall be named sammy. i watched lord of the rings this morning. my dad strapped that machine to me today, and so i wore that instead of my brace and splint until about 12:30. my mum brought me david's pizza and dr.pepper and man, this is awesome. it's like i have my own slaves...if i want music, bam, i have music. if i want food, bam, i have food. drinks are the same way. i get to pick meals...last night, chinese, tonight flank steak. the world is at my finger tips...almost. i really miss tori...i miss all of you. i'll be at school monday. probably on crutches. i have my brace so i should technacally be able to walk but it hurts like nothing i have ever felt or will ever feel. no one can comlain until they have children. my mom says the only things that hurt worse than a dislocated knee is an apendix three days from popping and, of course, birth. and she grew up on a farm. she knows pain....and more types of pain than you can imagine. but the drugs really help...god, if my sister bitches about guys having no pain tolerence i WILL kill her....kill her good. so, the other day she didn't want to go riding due to a "tummy ache"...heh heh heh....my mom even said "oh, i got it." yeah...anywho. it's swollen again, and it looks like a fat person's knee...thus the reason i named my knee sammy.
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Aaron
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::
2003 18 November :: 8.07pm
I AM DEATH!!!
"?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??" - Results:
Mors
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Mors
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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no...this isn't fitting at all *rolls eyes*.
6 Comments |
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Aaron
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::
2003 18 November :: 7.11pm
tori...get on!!! i need someone to talk to...jen isn't saying much.
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Aaron
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::
2003 18 November :: 5.47pm
:: Mood: frustrated
so far today, as of 2:55 (sixth period for you suckers :P!)
shit...my mum said it looked like i'd be out for the rest of the week. man, i say tori today when i went to find my AR book, and it was all i could do to keep myself from grabing her and twirling her around and lauphing till my head popped. but...i'm still sick. so yeah, don't take my shitty attitude today to heart, i just feel like...well...shit. i'd rather not get you sick too.
ok, so my day has been OK. i listened to alot of evanescence and rammstien. it was cool. i'm reading this dragon song book, and it's OK, kinda easy though, but i guess since it's due next tuesday that's a good thing. my mom said she was going to get me all my home work because my fever went down and i could actually think, but i read about fifty pages in that book and my brain went dead and my fever came back. ao yeah...and fuck, people, and fuck...
next on my list of things to bitch about. i'm currently on my mom's office computer because the family one down stairs has been tweaking out since the power came back on (this morning a tree went down and got a power line and everything in our area of the grid lost power until about eleven). so yeah, i tried to fix it and i made the moniter come on, but it's still not receiving a signal. so why's it so bad to have to use my mom's computer? why do you think?
1: it's slow as hell.
2: i can't ever get on msn anymore
3: my mom bitches at me about being on it all the time
4: AIM rarely works on it
5: woohu is REALLY slow on this one
6: the one downstairs has a WAY nicer moniter. (it's a plasma screen;)!!!)
later people.
post script: if i do manage to get the computer downstairs working, i'll be on AIM and probably msn, but no garantees that i will.
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Aaron
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::
2003 18 November :: 12.09am
"What Usage of the Word Fuck are You?" - Results:
You are...Fucking A!
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What Usage of the Word Fuck are You?
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hehehe...friggin "A"....hehehe
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Aaron
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::
2003 17 November :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: some femme blues singer
*twekity tweak tweak tweak
i miss tori...i miss tori...i miss tori i misss tori i miss tori immisstoriimisstoriimisstori!!!!........*tweaks*....jesus, i need something to do...i'll talk to alex. my mom and bro want me to play this geography game with them. i don't want to have to think...i hate this flu...i my throat hurts like hell...i want to stab something...get online tori...please.
3 Comments |
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Aaron
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::
2003 17 November :: 8.05pm
another vision...
*several gun shots and screaming begins*
Police comander-"everyone try to stay calm! please, remain in your seats. stay calm people"
people aboard subway-"oh my god!"
"what's happeing?"
"somebody help!"
Cihtog oracle-"what the hell happened here?"
Police commander-"i'm glad you showed up, a group of rogue karms attacked the subway."
Oracle-"is there a containment team working on it?"
commander-"yes, but there is little we can do, we were hoping you could do something"
oracle-"i'll see what i can do commander. thank you. JERICKS! CALL IN THE SENTINALS!"
that one was bizzare
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Aaron
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::
2003 17 November :: 6.56pm
:: Mood: sick
Pardon me
Pardon me while I burst
Pardon me while I burst
A decade ago, I never thought I would be.
A twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion
woe is me
But I guess that it comes with the territory .
An ominous landscape of never -ending calamity .
I need you to hear . I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take
And exploding seems like a definite possibility
To me
So Pardon me while I burst into flames .
I've had enough of the world , and its people's mindless games
So Pardon me while I burn , and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same .
Not, two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
Cause lately I've been thinking of combustication
as a welcomed vacation from.
The burdens of the planet earth ,
like gravity , hypocrisy , and the perils of being in 3-D...
And thinking so much differently .
Pardon me while I burst into flames .
I've had enough of the world , and it's people's mindless games
Pardon me while I burn , and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same .
Never be the same ...yeah .
Pardon me while I burst into flames .
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames .
I've had enough of the world , and it's people's mindless games
So pardon me while I burn , and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same .
Pardon me, never be the same . Yeah
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Aaron
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::
2003 17 November :: 6.47pm
:: Mood: bitchy/sick/tired
so far today i have done nothing. a day totally wasted. as relaxing and entertaining as it was, i feel horriblt. it's like in a game of chess. if there was one thing i learned form all of those days spent playing chess with that stupid fuck peter out at merlin it was this: never waste a move, because if you do and i don't, i'm one step a head of you, and good luck catching up. tori and pat should be home soon. i'm bored as hell. time to play star craft. later.
gunther
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