:: 2005 20 January :: 10.43 pm

im so excited im really finishing my basement!!!!!!!

i got to talk to joe tonight for llike 45 minutes im so happyi felt like i was never gonna see or talk to him again cuz it had been so long but im glad that he randomly thought of me and decided to call its been far too long

im looking for a site with cheap psychedelic tapestries if you know anywhere let me know

ill update later

3 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 19 January :: 11.35 pm

How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ohoo
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
'Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do
and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
'cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've got to take, oh, oho

Just take a look at me now

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 18 January :: 9.45 pm

mom-

i cant stand dad. i really hate him and when i talk to my friends about it they dont believe that i hate him.. but i can honestly say that i hate him. you dont know how many times i just wished it was him that left me. because i know my life would have been completely unchanged. just because i am emailing you doesnt mean that im over this or am comfortable talking to you. its just that i have nobody here now that kaitlins gone. i just dont know what else i can do. im sick of feeling like this. im sick of crying all the time.. im sick of it all. this isnt how a teenage girl is supposed to be feeling. and i sit here now crying my eyes out blasting my music feeling like nobody knows me. you know why you leaving hurt so bad? because you always told me you never would. i never expected you to leave me. to leave us. to move to florida... when you know that mel would NEVER move to natick just to be with you. you cant possibly begin to fathom the amount of pain i feel and carry with me everyday. nobody can because i never show anybody. im always happy, on the outside. im pretty good at hiding how i feel so nobody ever puts me on the spot. so i never have a chance to let anybody down. i help people constantly because it makes me happy. if i cant make myself happy i might as well do something for everyone else.. i dont know what the hell the point of this email is just cnat keep this shit inside anymore. and im sick of living in this house with a total stranger with someone who was never there for me. i just wish that youd come back and im stupid for thinking you ever would because if your not here for me now when i need you. you never will be so i should just move on but the fact is i cant i cant get on with my life when all of this is whats dragging me down. im depressed all of the time. everyday i sit down and cry and write and just pray to god that tomorrow will be better.. and it never is it never will be and im getting tired of waiting for things to go my way..

im sick of this.

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 17 January :: 1.59 pm

i'm just a nomad but would you listen to my story? would you think me crazy if i asked you for some spare change? for a lighter? for a place to stay on the night of the winters first frost? would you walk away from me if i told you i was crazy? what would you say if i told you the key to the world. the key to happiness, if i told you their was a doorway to paradise would you believe me? or would you call me a liar and spit in my face? were all liars in the world today. writing is a form of a lie. writing is a form of expression, its a way of letting out all of the things we wish we could say but never have the courage to. so many people would keep all those thoughts in their heads, but people like me, we have too many thoughts. too many thoughts to keep them all bottled up, if we did theyd overwhelm us, like they do when i debate myself in the quiet of my room. listening to the wind erode my window pane, trying my hardest to get to sleep. deep in this thought is a person searching for reason, for logic in everyday situations. searching for flaws in herself. when really there is no explanation. a person of my circumstances would feel unable to meet the requirements shes set for everyone else in her semipermiable world. shes made it so only those worthy of her presence will reep its benefits. she schemes her way through life analyzing everybody elses flaws, making sure never to make their mistakes. and this writing, this discription of reality so twisted and ever changing like smoke lingering in a stagnant room is her freedom. its her voice, her forte if you will. the release of all the emotions shed secretly wished to expose. but with this writing she can mask whats real, she has no chance to be rejected or thought of as wrong, because this writing is expression. this writing is the slit in her wrist, this writing is the reason she's still alive. its the sweat in her pores and every thought oozing from her intoxicated brain. she can detatch herself from the world when writing of love and lust, and lose herself in a city so perfect, in a relationship which never existed. or she can explain a break up, a fault, a misconseption through the eyes of a girl living in a nowhere town. a nowhere state, a nowhere country. a girl whose place is yet to be found.. yet to be questioned or explored by a single soul. as her words flow easily into your ear drums youll wonder. wonder what makes this girl so troubled, why does she feel she must hide behind these words. i guess theres no real answer. its like asking why a bird sings. its just a natural attraction to the unreal. to the discriptive world, to a place where she doesnt have to be so serious. where things dont have to be so real, or so permanent. her writing is her gift, her pain, her muse, her writing is her spirit which so gently flows in the summers breeze and lands upon a snowy bank, like a nomad, searching for someone to listen.


- me


Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 16 January :: 11.42 pm

interesting couple days i guess..

i dont have much to write except i cant stand drama and all this shit..

i feel so unloved nobody comments :(

im gonna go cuz im borring..

- manda

Everytime she laughs, she hopes he's watchin.. not so he'll see she is happy... but so maybe he will fall for her smile as hard as she fell for his...<3*

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 14 January :: 10.40 pm
:: Music: ill get by ok x grateful dead

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 14 January :: 6.44 am
:: Music: stuck in the middle with you x grateful dead

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 12 January :: 11.17 pm

alright.. so i guess heres the scope on me..

ive had an interesting week filled with various highs and lows.. each day starts one way and ends another like the other day i was having THE shittiest day ever then i was greeted with a happy occurance at the end of the day and some days ill wake up with spunk and then feel like shit throughout the day..

roar..

i brought kaitlin up to the airport today.. shes really gone... shes in europe in switzerland im really gonna miss her.. i love her so much she was the last good thing i had left in my family...

dammit im sore and tired and i need to shower...

ill update later

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 11 January :: 6.16 pm

i wish i could press rewind..
and relive each second with you again and again...


very good end to a bad day to say the least ;-)


Who’d like to see me down on my fucking knees
Everybody’s dying just to get the disease


I LOVE ELLIOT SMITH! why did he have to be such a troubled guy?



if i could press rewind

if i could press rewind today
id relive each moment i spent
holding your hands.
and know now to appreciate you while i can.

if i could press rewind today
id catch your innocence in a picture
and watch it on my walls.
while the winter snow flakes slowly start to fall.

if i could press rewind today
id melt you to my skin
and smell the scent known only to you.
as the lyrics bounce off me, stella blue..

if i could press rewind today
id savor every kiss you gave
in the shadows, on your bed
i wouldnt have to move ahead.

if i could press rewind today
id end up back in ecstacy.
a pure plutonic benifit
of keeping love where it needs to be hid.

if i could press rewind today
id worry much less for the future me
id be ruled by the impulse in my veins
maybe i wouldnt feel so insane

if i could press rewind today
there'd be no turning back.
id breath you in and scream your name
i swear id never be the same.

if i could press rewind today
and relive all my regrets
there wouldnt be anything id ever take back
but remind myself not to get too attatched

if i could press rewind today
and watch it all happen again.
i stare forever in your eyes
those deep brown pools of paradise.

if i could press rewind today
i think id kiss you just once more.
id feel your body and taste your touch
id try and never miss you much

if i could press rewind today
id look you in the eyes.
id tell you that you couldnt leave
and how much that you meant to me..

if i could press rewind and stay
in the dream i call today
id peirce your skin and sew me in
forever waiting for the day to begin

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 10 January :: 12.29 am
:: Music: stella blue x gratefuldead

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 6 January :: 10.40 am

its a snow day!!!!!!!!!

i hate the cold but im very glad we didnt have school i was about to wing the biggest test of this year! but now i get til monday! haha

i think im going sledding today but im not sure yet

i am in love with these sourcream and onion cheeze its yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

well imma go byebye

new songggggggggggggggggggg

In The End

take me down to the place we used to go
where theres no worries where nobody would know
wed light the fire, and drink some beer
smoke a little reefer, but still nobody could hear

walking through the town, i feel their eyes on me
staring down a reject, a fucked up reality
thinking they know who we are, from a passing glance
they think im giving up now, they should know there aint a chance

(chorus)
im so sorry
im so sorry to break your fragile thoughts
im so sorry
im just so sorry this is what you fought for
a different kind of war
a war againt its youth,
this different kind of war
is now a war against you

force fed thoughts pumped into their veins
the eyes of their children now think im insane
im passing their zombies in the halls of my school
they think im crazy, that im breaking all the rules

its not like i care what they say about me
i couldnt care less if they dont like what they see
once the sun no longer shines, none of this will count
nobody will remember when your dead in the ground

(chorus)

i believe youve mistaken me for a person whose weak
a person who crys out each time that they speak
my heart is not heavy for you, i pity your fears
i pray i never see you after the end in 3 years

i know what your saying, i know what im facing
i know that your heart is empty, keeping busy to replace it
take a risk and get where your going
cuz along the way you could fall without knowing

(bridge)
black angels, with broken wings
listen as my beauty sings
this isnt me, this isnt how i am
although youd never give a damn
i'm just a loser, some stoner, fucked up
i may not know you
does it seem like i care
you hold yourself so high..
but noones ever there

(chorus)

Black Angels

black angels with dissapearing acts
make themselves invisible when you turn your back
broken from the inside, bleeding though the cracks
never to be noticed, known never to react

we hide behind our words, we keep them underneath our tongues
the songs we sing inside our minds are never to be sung
never will a word of praise be heard from our golden mouths
we keep each silver plated word hidden deep inside ourselves

(chorus)
black angels, golden hearts
black angels, heavens torn appart
their left alone,
in a world of pity and pain
their left alone
in a city where loss is gain
never to be broken,
never to be spoken
condemed to hide themselves...
might as well

black angels, tell me what do you see
a quiet little girl, one whose just like me
yeah ive been there, each and every day
still i go on, just the same

always second geussed
always second best
what cant you see theres beauty in side of me
im bleeding through this band aid of a solution
your dying too, your lies become polution

(bridge)
the light wont shine though,
i gotta be with you
but i wont bother today
you dont even know my name

(chorus)

black angels, heaven hides in us
black angels, the devil confides in us
were all alone.. were on our own
taking the road less often chose

black angels, bittersweet
black angels, standing on our two feet
you dont see me, i cry myself to sleep
you dont need me, i give you my soul to keep

(chrous)

Make Me Hate You

i hate you when your with her
i hate you when you wanna talk
i hate you when you look at me
and when your bodies lined in chalk

i hate you when you smile at me
with your stupid cupid grin
i hate the way you make my heart
feel as if it could cave in

i hate the way your brown eyes
make me weak in the knees
and even in the saddest times
you keep me begging please

(chorus)
i love you (everything about you)
i love you (wont you make me hate you)
i love you and ill never leave
make me hate you baby please

i hate you when i stay up
wishing you were there
i hate you when you touch me
and trap me in your stare

i hate you when you penetrate
and stay so long within
i hate you when you hold me
and tell me you love this life of sin

i hate the way you make me feel
like im the queen of your world
then turn your back and walk away
to the arms of another girl

(chorus)

i hate the way you call me
with sarcasm in your voice
and while were fighting on the fone
you tell me its my choice

i hate the way you kiss my lips
and leave me always hungered for more
and the way your heat wraps around me
praying theres time for an encore

i hate the way you fall asleep
on our midnight get aways
your head in my lap eyes closed tight
i hate how you make me want to stay

(chorus)

i hate you.. (wont you leave me alone)
i love you.. (i cant breath without you)
i hate you.. (wont you leave me alone)
i love you.. (i cant breath without you)

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 5 January :: 10.24 pm

stole this from nikkie who stole this from meg

x all the things that apply..

Have you ever...
[x] been drunk.
[x]smoked pot.
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex
[x] rode in a taxi.
[x] been dumped.
[x] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired.
[ ] been in a fist fight.
[ ] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise
[x] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[x] made out with a stranger.
[ ] stole something from your job.
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[ ] went on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[ ] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[x] thrown up from drinking.
[ ] lost your sibling.
[x] played 'clue'.
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[x] cheated on a bf/gf.
[x] been cheated on.
[ ] had a sweet sixteen.
[ ] had a quinceanera.
[ ] had a car.
[x] drove

Do you...
[ ] have a boyfriend.
[ ] have a girlfriend.
[x] have a crush.
[x] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[ ] feel happy.
[x] hate yourself.
[ ] think your attractive
[ ] have a dog.
[x] have your own room.
[x] listen to rap.
[x] listen to rock.
[x] listen to jazz
[x] listen to classical and/or opera
[x] listen to showtunes
[x] listen to soul.
[x] listen to techno
[x] listen to reggae.
[x] paint your nails.
[x] have more than one best friend.
[x] get good grades
[x] play an instrument.
[x] have slippers.
[ ] wear boxers.
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color yellow.
[x] like the color purple.
[x] like the color pink.
[ ] cyber.
[ ] claim.
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[x] have long hair.
[ ] have short hair.
[x] have a cell phone.
[x] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager.

Are you...
[ ] ugly.
[ ] pretty.
[x] ok.
[x] bored.
[ ] happy.
[ ] bilingual.
[x] white.
[ ] black.
[ ] mexican.
[ ] asian.
[ ] short.
[ ] tall.
[x] medium height.
[ ] grounded.
[ ] sick.
[x] lazy.
[x] single.
[ ] taken.
[x] looking.
[ ] not looking.
[ ] don't care.
[x] talking to someone.
[x] IMing someone.
[x] scared to die.
[x] tired.
[x] sleepy.
[ ] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[ ] thirsty.
[ ] on the phone.
[x] in your room.
[ ] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[x] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[x] listening to music.
[ ] homophobic
[x] depressed


yeah..

was really sad today helped kaitlin pack up all her clothes to be shipped to switzerland :( ill miss her alot but i know shell have a great time, and make something great of herself while shes there, many fresh faces, and new places to explore. almost a new beginning in a new country where she can really make it her own, on her own.. building character, depth and growing culturally.

dont really feel right tonight.. or ever

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 4 January :: 10.30 pm

Sarryy5: i don see why you bother, hes pure evil
BlckTangldHrt35x: i really dont bother, i dont im him or call him anymore i wait for him to
BlckTangldHrt35x: and obviously id love to be friends with him hes fun! but i cant help an immense sexual attraction
Sarryy5: lol youre amazing
BlckTangldHrt35x: like being completely serious
BlckTangldHrt35x: all i want to do when hes around is just
BlckTangldHrt35x: kiss him and ya you know the rest
BlckTangldHrt35x: like its not like one of your friends like bumping into you like everytime he even touches me its like dammit all i can think about is fucking him
BlckTangldHrt35x: and that obviously interferes with things
kels7216: hahahaha
BlckTangldHrt35x: thats what it is too
BlckTangldHrt35x: s'why i just cant be friends
BlckTangldHrt35x: he could look me in the eyes and say sock
BlckTangldHrt35x: and all id hear is
BlckTangldHrt35x: fuck me now

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 3 January :: 11.18 pm

my 3rd update of the day..

i dont know what the hell is wrong with me... im nothing but nice to people.. i would give everything i had to someone just to feel appreciated, and cared about. why dont people realize that i would give up everything i am just for their happiness.. just so i could be the one that they care about.. just once i wanna feel the way everybody else does.. i just wanna feel like someone cares about me.

i cant sleep theres way too much on my mind and everytime i start to think about it, i just start to cry and i feel the tingle of teardrops start to burst from my eyes.. endlessly like summer rain falling on a dry, dead land.. my cheek, empty, pale and cold...

im sorry that im empty.. im sorry that im too full, im sorry that im useless and broken and im sorry that i want so bad to love and be loved in return?

no

not even to love, just to care..

no

not even to care, just to have fun with someone who wants to have fun with me..

to be appreciated..cared about, thought about, saught after.. somebody that somebody remembers...

i just wanna be somebody to anybody...

but i know things dont change..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 3 January :: 8.06 pm

BlckTangldHrt35x: do u ever feel like you hate everything
BlckTangldHrt35x: like nothings right..
Pimpin In 1869: sure
Pimpin In 1869: im all fucked up i know mad shit
BlckTangldHrt35x: im fucking crazy
Pimpin In 1869: not as crazy as me
BlckTangldHrt35x: dana you dont know what goes on in my head
BlckTangldHrt35x: and how bad i feel more than half the time
BlckTangldHrt35x: nor would anyone want to
Pimpin In 1869: you dont know what goes one o my head
BlckTangldHrt35x: but the thing is
BlckTangldHrt35x: id like to understand what goes on in your head
BlckTangldHrt35x: nobody wants to figure me out
BlckTangldHrt35x: or understand what goes on in mine



I see you're leaving me
and taking up with the enemy
The cold comfort of the in between
A little less than a human being
A little less than a happy high
A little less than a suicide
The only things that you really tried
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right

what is it you see through your brown eyes
that isnt there when you stare back at mine
shes nothing in the scheme of things
id break her if i tried, for all the tears you made me cry
and the lies you made lie, and i never asked you why
but why must we divide, this time we spend
i thought it was on me you depend
but im broken in two
i geuss i needed you

(chorus)
theres a void in my heart
and losers everywhere
a nip to the air
as you run your fingers through her hair
ive got nowhere to go
and i know soon ill be walking alone
but you wont see me going nowhere fast

looking at the world in a shade of black and whites
i know you didnt mean those words i know you didnt mean to fight


ugh i cant finish this

- more later


being in love

being in love with someone who is not in love with
you, you understand my predicament.
being in love with you, who are not
in love with me, you understand my dilemma.
being in love with your being in love
with me, which you are not, you understand
the difficulty. being in love with your
being, you can well imagine how hard it is.
being in love with your being you,
no matter you are not your being in
love with me, you can appreciate and pity
being in love with you. being in love
with someone who is not in love, you know
all about being in love with someone who is not
in love with you, which is
being in love, which you know only too well,
love, being in love with being in love.

-marvin bell


August

this is one way to say it.
the girl left, you left.

and this is another.
last year in august i hung
my head between my knees, looked up
and flirted with the atmosphere
but you were here
and the sky had no gravity.

now love falls from me,
like walls of an empty city.

my symptom
is the earths
constant rotation

eveything i say about desire or
hunger is only lip service
in the face of it.

still there were days i know
your mouth gave that last taste of blue.

-esta spalding

"you said, there are women
i know whose presence
changes the quality of the air...

...i am not one of those"

lightness

it was your lightness that drew me,
the lightness of your talk and your laughter,
the lightness of your cheek in my hands
your sweet gentle modest lightness;
and it is the lightness of your kiss
that is starving my mouth,
and the lightness of your embrace
that will let me go adrift.

- meg bateman

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 3 January :: 6.52 am

im sitting here updating my journal at 7:00 im such a weirdo lol

well... its a new year and with that comes new changes, new events, new people, new me. my resolutions this year are to be nicer to people ive been a dick to..and to get in shape.. hummm any others? to do well in my competition :-)

i just hope things wont change as drastically as they have in the past year.. goodbye 04' you were well spent and well remembered..

<3 amanda

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 1 January :: 3.02 pm

its officially a new year... damn this ones coem and gone so quickly its scarey how different things are and how much theyre changing

thistles was funnnnnnnn ill write more about it later

im at lizzys and i need to go home and shower haha ill update later

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 30 December :: 5.06 pm

Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better
Of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down
I say its all because of you and here I go
Losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face it doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time
Tell you why
I say its infinately true
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
Every afternoon
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Its all because of you
Its all because of you

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 28 December :: 12.10 pm

in the heat of the night, im playing our song
while hitting the resin you left in the bong
im so lonely now, as i smoke you away
were so distant now, as im driven insane

you coat my lungs with a venomous tar
like a cancer to the heart you kill from afar
your holding me back, im blocking you too
your smoking me black, and im broken in two

(chorus)
devilish, deviant is the look in your eye
burning deep into me as your waving goodbye
suck the life right out of me, ill be fine
everytime..

in the dark of the room, im playing our song
while hitting the resin you left in the bong
like the organ at a funeral you eat me away
booming with anger, and fury and rage

peircing my skin, with the bite of a leech
take me down and bury me deep
show me another one of your new tricks
and slip me some more toxin, i need a fix

(chorus)

in the heat of the night, im playing our song
while hitting the resin you left in the bong
im so lonely now, as i smoke you away
were so distant now, as im driven insane

bite through the flesh bleed out my veins
youve corrupted my mind, and spoon fed me pain
im distant and hollow at the mercy of you
you bite and you practice your wickid voodoo

suck the life right out of me, im telling you i will be fine
everytime..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 25 December :: 12.23 pm

so its christmas.. and it doesnt really feel like it.. i had fun last night tho.. im glad kaitlin was home for me this year. i wouldnt have been able to get by this christmas without her. she took me out with chris and darrah last night for a drive to nowhere lol we all took some oc's and had a great christmas i love them. we drove the prison lol and into boston and everywhere imaginable. im glad i didnt get a chnace to sit by myself and cry this year... im just thankful that i have my sister i love her

:: 2003 25 December :: 12.17 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: too much of not enuff - silverchair

what a fuckin merry christmas

its offically christmas.. and i am officially most likely the saddest person on earth at this moment in time

i want so bad to see my mom.. but i have to be dumb and push her out of my life when that is whats making me so deppressed.... ive tried to be strong and show her i dont need her but the truth is that i love her so much and i hate her becuz i miss her but i cant tell her that now, its too late.. she wouldnt care anyways

i feel so alone and its christmas, no1 deserves to feel alone.. my dads asleep and i cant find anything to do with myself. i just sit and think and teh only thing i can think about is my mom and i start to cry.

and my moms out with my sister prolly having a great time..

i promised myself i wouldnt cry tonight, and here i am drowning in my tears....

if only she knew everything i feel. i just want to wrap my arms aiound her and have her tll me everything will be ok.. i just need to know that im gonna be ok, becuz i dont know how much longer i can go on like this. its eating away at me. i cant handle it.

each present i may receive today will never quench my thirst for happiness..

becuz no superficial materialistic pile of crap could ever bring my mom back, and that kills....

im sorry i sound self centered tonite, as if no1 else has problems. im sorry. but to me this is as bad as it gets, i dont know pain greater than this so forgive me for these tears...

--

crying again... ick...

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx