:: 2004 26 October :: 10.41 pm

new song
dont come back...x3

let go of me and let me live my life
cant take no more of this
you push, i pull
had enough of your shit
wont blink, just once
cant miss my babys smile
your beautiful disgrace
love your cocky ego style

spinning round and round
im getting tired of this
and i dont know what to do
with this imposter bliss
cant let you know
the things i'm feeling now
my heart says stay with you
but my mind says let go somehow

(chorus)
bleeding, dreaming, wishing things would change
was it all a waste of love, or is it worth the pain?
time is wasted, and counted twice
logic lost in the black and twisted night

beat me bruise me
threaten me with my life
suicide haunting me
blood dances on the knife
disrupted, uprooted,
torn from what is real
you told me what to think
now tell me what to feel

torn with broken bones
take all you want from me
stole the peices of my heart
and left me there to greive
sewed me up used me again
im gone in everyway
they ask me if it hurts
but now im numb, cant feel the pain

(chorus)

fed you forbidden fruits
touched the fires of desire
took a hit from satans bong
didnt think id get much higher
throw me something here
break me off a bit of slack
you tore me up and threw me out
now you want me back?

mind games
fucking with my head
these signals your giving out
make me wish that i was dead
your touch when used in vein
emits a feeling that i know
only to your fingertips
and your dark demonic glow

(chorus til fades)

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 26 October :: 8.10 am
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: instant pleasure x rufus wainwright

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 22 October :: 7.07 am

i had another weird dream.. part of which is much too graphic for this journal.. haha

well.. part of my dream was i was at someones house but i forget who.. and i was randomly taking a shower and then all of a sudden the shower went dry and there was no more water and i had to sleep with like soapy hair it was gross... and i cant really remember but i also had a dream that my mom was in.. hmm..

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 19 October :: 9.57 am
:: Music: i'm stupid x abandoned pools

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 18 October :: 6.08 pm
:: Music: only you x ashanti

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 16 October :: 10.49 pm

alright well..

shit is gay.. and people suck.. but what can you do.. i went to the mall (ugh) with derek alex and lizzy today.. good to be back with summer ppl :-\ i miss the summer..

fright fest is coming up im excited :)

i talked to aj on the fone last night.. havent talked to him in a while.. quite random..

i cannot wait until tomorrow :-) i wish i didnt have work

i must go because i am on elizabeths computer so.. i guess i will ramble later..

- manda

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 11 October :: 11.53 pm

icp was fucking sick :)

i got to see ryan molly ryan fogarty lindsay john keri lynds dana mark and everyone!!!

http://tinypic.com/c6m49

http://tinypic.com/c6m53

im tired of writing poetry of love
poetry of lust
poetry of wishes.. memories and such
im tired of faking happy
faking love and confidence
faking i dont miss you
this life goes on
whether or not we want it to
and im sick and tired of
amusing you all with my failure
i just wish someday i could
make something of myself
and make you all see how much i am worth
to make you wish that you had given me the time of day
make you brag that you knew me..
and make you wish that you were me
because i am nothing as of today..
but as for tomorrow..
wait and see

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 7 October :: 10.26 pm

ok so i keep thinking about my dream.. its really creeping me out i read about what some things in dreams mean so if you have any input let me know this stuff really interests me..

i forgot to mention other parts of my dream before
i was in the school when i woke up and was talking to john morris crying saying that i didnt want the cold to come and looking out the window and seeing feet of snow outside..

Snow – Repressed feelings, critical, judgmental

School – Learning about yourself with a view to improving yourself

Hallway – Uterus

White
Perfection
Meaning: Hope, faith, purity, perfection, confidence, enlightenment.

When mixed or associated with other colors it purifies and refines the meaning of that color.

White alone can indicate a proud, rigid, judgmental immaturity - a ‘should be’, controlling attitude.

Soft or pearl white can indicate the gift of prophesy.

Green
heart
Meaning: Adaptability, reconciliation, Need for healing, harmony, balance, reconciliation (within self or self with others).

Dark green, battle dress green or green and black represent difficulties with sharing (jealousy, rivalry). Need to balance male and female aspects. Look for trouble with the heart.

Balance and healing for the heart, circulatory systems and emotions by becoming more giving, generous and emotionally ‘open’.




i cant think of any other keywords from my dream..

i dont know but from re-reading what i remembered about it i think that it means i dont want winter to come.. i dont want change to come and i cant accept all that im going to lose but from the words of ::someone:: in this dream they are telling me that i shouldnt worry because all that i lose ill get back someday.. and that some things may change.. but they will always change back? maybe? idk i wish i knew tho..

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 7 October :: 7.06 am

i just had this really weird dream that i was walking through teh school and it was snowing outside.. and i was talking to ::someone:: about ::something:: and i was like "i just wanna know what the future will be like.." and he says "dont worry everything you lose youll someday get back..everything will be alright"

wow..if only it were that easy...

happy 18th big jimmy little

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 5 October :: 10.43 pm

half day today helll yesss :-)

ryan molloy cannot go to lockup i wont let him :( i <3 himmmmmmmmm

bahhh life is fucking gay.. and amusing

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 5 October :: 7.12 am

the world is hell...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 3 October :: 10.53 pm
:: Music: all cried out x 112 ft. allure

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 1 October :: 11.04 pm

hahah i saw g-unit boy throw a trashcan top at a moving car..

what an eventful night

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 29 September :: 7.32 pm
:: Music: still in love x 112

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 28 September :: 7.08 pm

Here we are
All alone
You and me,
Privacy
And we can do anything
Your fantasy
I wanna make your dreams come true
Can you hear?
She's calling me
Between your legs
It's Loud and clear
I wanna talk back to her
Make love to her
I wanna hear you scream my name

CHORUS
We can make love in the bedroom
floatin on top of my waterbed
I'm kissin' you
Running my fingers through your hair
In the hallway making our way beside the stairs
We can do it anywhere
I can love you in the shower
Both of our bodies dripping wet
On the patio we can make a night you won't forget
On the kitchen floor
As I softly pull your hair
We can do it anywhere (anywhere)

I love the way
Your body feels
On top of mine
So take your time
We got all night
Girl, you know
I like it slow
And I know you like it too, baby

Please don't stop I feel it now
You feel it too
You're shivering
Ooh, you're pullin me close to you
Just let it flow
There's no other place to go

We can make love in the bedroom
(tell me how you like it baby)
floatin on top of my waterbed
(tell me can i drive you crazy)
I'm kissin' you
Running my fingers through your hair
In the hallway making our way beside the stairs
We can do it anywhere
I can love you in the shower (in the shower)
Both of our bodies dripping wet (in the bedroom)
On the patio we can make a night you won't forget (we'll do it all night long)
On the kitchen floor (tell me how you like it)
As I softly pull your hair
We can do it anywhere (anywhere)

Z too hot to stop
So we goin' from the bedroom to the floor
Let you know whether I'm gonna miss you when I'm on tour
When our tongues touch
Have a playboy sing it much
Roll a Dutch, let me tell you what turns me on
When 112 sing to you
What kinda feeling do it bring to you?
I bump hard till you say I'm being mean to you
I know the ice Roley game to you
A true player's what I seem to you
And if you want it
We can do it in the Black 500
Wit the top down
In overdrive when we ride cuz I'm hot now
You got me goin', I don't think I'ma stop now
Z feenin' like a criminal on lock-down
So let's get a way to get away
You gettin' hot baby, please don't run away
I got a crib on the beach in Palmetto-way
Here's your personal key, so take a left at
112...

We can make love in the bedroom
in the bedroom
floatin on top of my waterbed
on my waterbed
I'm kissin' you
(let me run my fingers through your hair)
Running my fingers through your hair
In the hallway making our way beside the stairs
(tell me how you like it)
We can do it anywhere
I can love you in the shower (in the shower)
Both of our bodies dripping wet (when you touch me)
On the patio we can make a night you won't forget (make me feel so good inside)
On the kitchen floor (let me touch you baby)
As I softly pull your hair (sexy, sexy baby)
We can do it anywhere (anywhere)

We can make love in the bedroom (tell what you want from me)
floatin on top of my waterbed (let me know your fantasy)
I'm kissin' you
Running my fingers through your hair
In the hallway making our way beside the stairs(let me touch you baby)
We can do it anywhere (can i drive you crazy)
I can love you in the shower (we can do anything)
Both of our bodies dripping wet (anywhere)
On the patio we can make a night you won't forget (anyplace)
On the kitchen floor
As I softly pull your hair
We can do it anywhere (we can do it)

let me touch you baby

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 26 September :: 2.38 pm

2 new songs..

http://www.soundclick.com/util/streamM3U.m3u?ID=1310785&q=Hi

*dedicated tears*

i have, i have thought about you.. (x4)

its been a few weeks since youve been gone
i miss you, i need you, your scents still here so strong
i know that you are happier this way
what wouldve happened if things were different that day

(chorus)
i have, i have thought about you..
ive tried to give all my love to you
in my dreams i think all about you
my hearts filled with tears all for you

i heard your laugh the other day
listened close as it slowly faded away
i shed a tear each and every reoccurring day
they all begin and end the same dissorienting way

(chorus x2)

your all i need.. all i need
lemme hear you say
your all i need.. all i need
please just stay
your better off this way

http://www.soundclick.com/util/streamM3U.m3u?ID=1413788&q=Hi

*last night*

you had me for 11 weeks
you stole my heart in just one beat
i tried to keep you from yourself
your nothing without my help

i took your words to be complete
they werent shit not near concrete
melting under heavy pressure
why are we appart when we could be together?

(chorus)
wont you please help me
i need you
like you needed me
and i want you to know
that i love you
through everything
i still love you

you took me deep that night
all that was wrong felt so right
no need to question what i felt
once we touched my heart began to melt

my sense of fear intoxicated
in search for love.. but always hated
it felt right then, with eyes so true
that it must be this it must be you

(chorus)

(bridge)
i'm going crazy.. cuz i need you here
thoughts of others disapear
bite me soft and carress my tounge
feel so old as the night is young
intimate sensations..chills down my spine
sips of hypnotique allow us to unwind..

(chorus x 3)

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 24 September :: 12.13 am

i needed that :-)

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 21 September :: 9.18 pm
:: Music: weak x jojo

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 19 September :: 5.45 pm

another song...to this beat
http://www.soundclick.com/util/streamM3U.m3u?ID=1413820&q=Hi

its called shit talkers bahahha

i heard you talking shit the other day
is that the only thing that you can say
you walk around like your something else
when your the one with wrists full of welts

talking shit to hide the lies
making up your alibies
someday someone will have enough
of you thinking your so tough

im speaking out now
taking one for this quiet crowd
they have seen enough
it is just way too much

acting like its just a phase
wasting all your yesterdays
get a life, forget your crew
grow up and just be you

------------------------
(chorus)
i am sick and tired
of dealing with you
this is just a small town
we dont need no crews

all i have to say is grow up

we arent that tough
you arent that cool
this isnt prison
its just high school

all you gotta do is grow up
--------------------------

im through with all your dirty lies
all you do is dramatize
talking shit to make a scene
as if i care whose tits youve seen

taking pills of ecstacy
spending all your money on weed
shooting up on heroin
how far can you stick your needle in?

im speaking out now
im taking one for this whole town
sick of all the stupid lies
breaking down your family ties

acting like its just a phase
wasting all your yesterdays
get a life, forget your crew
grow up and just be you

(chorus)

-bridge-
looking at your empty face
dirty looks all over the place
people dont care that youve got no class
take one for the team and shove it up your fucking ass

(chorus)

maybe now you understand
are you ready to be man?
get a life, and forget your crew?
grow up and just be you?

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 19 September :: 12.59 am

BlckTangldHrt35x: he can destroy me tho
BlckTangldHrt35x: everybody can
BlckTangldHrt35x: because i care so much about what people think
BlckTangldHrt35x: and i put so much trust into people because i think theyre one way
BlckTangldHrt35x: and then they prove me otherwise.. and i get broken
BlckTangldHrt35x: cuz im just searching for somebody wholl be there to catch me like they promise to..

----

baby i dont wanna care
that she was on your mind
or that you think
about her all the time

i dont wanna know
that she still sweats you bad
or baby that you were
only the best she ever had

i dont wanna think about
what you two did last night
or whether you were
wrong and i was right

(chorus)
all i wanna know is
if your a waste of my time
all i need to know is
what is yours and what is mine

i dont wanna sit here wishing
for things i cant possess
wont you tell me straight up
your lies are all a mess..

i dont wanna stay up
crying every night
living for tomorrows
cuz today was never right..

i dont want to look at you
and think what could have been
ive thought about you long enough
your touch to me's a sin

(chorus)

i dont wanna hear about
how great your lives will be
or how it was her eyes you saw
when you were kissing me..

i dont wanna be the
only one whose left alone
the one who is forgotten
life spiraling out of control

i dont want to be the one
whose lonely in the end
the one whose wish was never heard
before she went to bed

(chorus)

i dont wanna be the one
swayed by all your pretty words
or the one who needs your lips to breath
when our hearts are only heard

i dont wanna be with you
when you look straight through me
spitting out your pretty words
its her you see not me..

i will always be the one
who gave all that i am
and youll always be the guy
who never gave a damn..

xX.Inspiration.Xx