:: 2005 13 June :: 6.26 am

soo yesterday i went to scotties graduation party which was fun ryan sean joe and steph were there so it was obv good to see them :-)
n i was glad i got to spend some time with scottie n meet some new ppl

i miss you.....
i want you to come home..

im going crazyyyyyyyyy


the wind blows away the past
and the world watches helplessly
natural beauty hides beneath the skin
enveloping what ive hidden within
--and again i glance into your eyes

the sun shines down exposing the truth
truth which has been lost
pain which has been cast aside
taken by the hands of time
--and again rain falls from the sky

the clouds block my view
and sheild the light from my skin
containing all that i am in a whisp
in a feeling something like this
--and again i succumb to the lies

the earth quakes and i skip a step
im jolted now from side to side
turned inside out and i cant turn back
the skies awak and its fading into black
--and again a spirit dies

the moon rises high in silvery praise
dancing with the stars
which hide in the blackening sky
and i wont return, to wonder why
--glancing into your eyes..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 12 June :: 12.21 pm

im sorry scottie and joe :(

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 8 June :: 10.50 pm

hm..

so i went home sick from school today cuz i felt like ass.. i woke up and i felt shitty so i smoked and then i just got a pounding headache and i was shivering, sweating, had a sore throat and i was all achey :( idk whats wrong with me i slept for 2 periods in the nurses office and then came home and slept and then dana came and got me.. we went back to his house for a little.. yum and then to jimmis for packing and shit.. so they left tonight for bonnaroo theyre gonna have so much fun!!

n then i came home n ryan and schotty came over around 8:30 i <3 them n we smoked n just hung out..

n now im up smoking a butt before bed.. yum

mwah

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 6 June :: 9.19 pm

hm so jimmi dana nikkie joe and lizzy came over today.. we worked on the project and dana and jimmi grabbed the tent and mucho pot was smoked... yum.. haha kinda hard to keep focused on what we were trying to do :-p

im gonna miss dana and jimmi for a whole week :( but theyre gonna have fun im wickid jealous!!

ahhh well shits on my mind once again...
in the words of dana "All of your friends are gonna leave you"

harsh but true.. and i need to start realizing nothings forever..
not even life.. not even love.. not even anything..

hm..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 5 June :: 10.59 pm

bahhhh

so today was hotttt as hell but it was jimmis graduation so i went to the party with jena which was fun. didnt do much else exciting besides shower and talk on the fone aimlessly with dana.. hum.. they leave weds. im so jealous!!

hm. well i really dont have much else to write now except for the fact that i feel completely immature and i feel as if i have gone against everything ive built for myself as morals with this fighting and shit.. i mean thats not me and thats not who i want to be.. and ive been bad i ate a cheese burger and a taco that dana forced me to eat dammit... damn meat.. gr

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 3 June :: 4.26 pm

im a lonely painter
speaking through my art
scenes which capture conversations
while never oozing a word

the tears of a painter go unheard
but never go unseen
fore' in the colors of paints
is how a painter bleeds

im a weak composer
bleeding through my words
notes which carry out my fears
enter naive ears

the pain of a composer
is constantly played down
fore' in the voice singing out
is how a composer drowns

im a lonley poet
hiding behind each phrase
contained by lines of a poem
is how im driven insane

the pain of a poet goes unfelt
but never is it dead
fore' in the rhythem hides a fear
thats never to be read

im lonely and im talentless
speaking though the words of others
like a parasite ill suck you clean
of all that you feel

the pain of a talentless man goes unseen
and always goes unheard
fore' when nobody else feels what i feel
the lonely man misses his turn

---

quiet pain
sad surringe
jam it into my veins

useless love
flacid heart
tearing up all thats sane

deep within you heal my heart
by silently tearing me appart
ill thank you when you give me pain
ill beg you to let me be your slave

cool night
empty sky
nobody out there anymore

smooth skin
plenty holes
nobody wants you here no more

deep within you heal my heart
by silently tearing me appart
sweet needle in my veins
give me pleasure give me pain

no more light
starless sky
questions go unanswered again

put me off
turn me on
if not now then when?

deep within you heal my heart
by silently tearing me appart
happy addiction you help me through
as i break myself in two

scarred face
sad eyes
humming me a tune

meaningless music
lyrics but no words
its all useless now itll be over soon

--

thoughts are fdlowing through my brain
and i dont know whats real
i dont know where i belong
its like im alone in a world
filled with millions who walk right by
why do i see them all
walking two by two?
why am i the only one
why am i alone
if looks could kill
id have died ten times over
if pain is love
then ive loved a thousand times
if only i could be beautiful
if only my thoughts could be beautiful
if only

--

pages fill up with useless drivel
im wasting away in this room
confined by four walls
contained by smoke
enveloped by you
its all a game its all a rotation
ill always end up back where i began
your words hit me
like bombs falling on a peacful city
and my words eat away at me
like a virus
like a disease, a paraiste
feeding, taking, and never giving
constant tension hold me here
and i cant move past
this wall ive built up around myself
this body armor protecting me
secluding me from the world
safe inside my thoughts
until i stumble upon a land mine
the walls around me crumble
and im exposed to the cruel world
to the reality
to the hate
and in that hate i see you
staring back at me with empty eyes
laughing at my insecurities
laughing at my lack of self respect
this is the first day
of the last try..
this is the first day
and my last cry

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 1 June :: 11.42 pm

hmmmm that felt rather good ;-)

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 30 May :: 11.07 pm

i sit up at night thinking of the same things. my mind is growing weary and im confused at what i should do..

so jimmi had a party and it was fun i was cocked.. hm.. the whole situation kinda made me upset and sad but whatever im a fuck up..

why cant i get you out of my head?
why cant i leave you alone?
why cant i get over stupid shit?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?

god damn god damn god damn


-- song

have you ever spent the night
trying to make things right
but you end up driving yourself insane?
your thinking to yourself
wondering why the hell
you put youself through the pain?

have you ever watched the sun rise
while your by yourself getting high
trying to hold back the tears?
you brand yourself a lunatic
and think so hard it makes you sick
about where youll be in a few years

(chorus)
water falls down from the sky
we know how but we dont know why
pain is pleasure thats the way it goes
how to make it stop, nobody knows

have you ever smoked your lungs black
evoking the cancer you cant take back
you cough too much but you dont care
you need to feel that calm
you need some help to carry on
looking for a way to change but its not there

have you ever looked at yourself,
and wished that you were someone else,
ever thought that maybe you could change?
you want so bad to love yourself
but you dont so why should someone else
the girl in the mirror looks at you strange

(chorus)

have you ever called an old friend
they hang up on you but you call again
you need someone to heal your heart
the buzz of the dial tone
is an all too familiar tone
your beating heart serves as a twisted work of art

have you ever played it cool
wouldnt risk being the fool
but you end up dissapointing yourself anyways?
you wonder why you dont belong
you ask yourself why your not strong
you dont have nothing til you love the way you are

id trade my place and time for something
better than the life i am living
id trade what im receiving
for someone who intends on giving
something back before theyre gone
broken dreams hang like black clouds
walking though the dull crowds
wish i could tell you why im here..

(chorus)

have you ever laid awake
you feel your hands begin to shake
you wonder why your so afraid
you see an image in your head
of someone else in their own bed
you wonder why they have it made

have you ever questioned why your here?
the certain pain evokes a tear
but you whipe the drop away.
its purpose remains unknown
just like your heart and where your going
have you ever forgotten the point of what you wanted to say

your not here..
no your not here
have you ever tried
not to fear
have you ever..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 29 May :: 2.00 am

Here I am again
Talking to myself
Sitting at a red light
Both hands on the wheel
How am I supposed to feel?
So much running through my mind
First you wanna be free
Now you say you need me
Giving mixed signals and signs
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again

Push the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away

I keep coming back to you
Every time you're in the mood
To whisper something sweet in my ear
It's so hard to move on
Cause every time I think you're gone
You show up in my rearview mirror

Is this just a detour?
Cause I gotta be sure
That you really mean what you say
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again

Push the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away

To a place where I can be redefined
Where you're out of sight
And you're out of mind
But the truth is I can't even say goodbye

---

deep inside the lies
i see a mirror, i see your eyes in mine
im becoming you with each new step
i breath you in when you call my name
slowly im going insane
with every smile im drowning now
and i cant even stand on my own
drinking once again
to get you out of my head
even for a minute its good..
but then again, i taste your kiss
and somehow this insanity turns to smiles
and it remains the same for a while
then my heart is kicked, when its knocked down
my grin fades into a frown
i need to be alone again
sitting by myself in tears
i see her in your arms,
i want to slit her throat
make her feel alone for once
then you walk away
and whisper in my ears
all the things i want to hear
and again im in your arms
keep me safe from harm
just love me while your alone
take me home, and make me yours
not forever more, just for the night
well play the games
well do it just for fun
never one on one
were always pulling this game for 3
its her you and lastly me
a tug of war with both sides nailed
on a scale would you even say you care?
here i am talking to myself
debating dumb questions in my head
lay me in your bed
no matter how alone, in your arms i know
that for a moment you care
and when you touch my hair
and kiss my lips i pray ill always feel like this
i hope that it never goes away
then suddenly i know
the feelings start to go
and you walk out of the room
little do i know
your spewing out the same
stupid little games
the ones you play with me
id gladly walk away from you if i could say
i didnt have emotions attatched
but the truth is i cant
call me a tramp or a whore
but iys not just the sex keeps me coming back for more
your giving me a heart attack
turning my heart black
but even after all of that
id still beg to be your slave
ill pray it stays the same
and someday youll be wondering why
why you made me cry
and ill wonder why i stayed
dont know which way
im headed, i aint got no home
deep inside the lies
i see a mirror, i see your eyes in mine
im becoming you with each new step
i breath you in when you call my name
slowly im going insane
with every smile im drowning now
and i cant even stand on my own

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 28 May :: 12.06 pm

im kinda confused and i dont understand why i feel the way i feel right now. i woke up on this beautiful day and i feel like sitting inside and crying in my bed because i have nothing to be happy for. everybody has somebody and im here alone in this world searching for somebody to finally care about me. why do i do this? why do i feel this way all the time? why do i need somebody to be happy?why do i need you? why do i want you? why? i dont know what it is that makes me have to be around you. your presence just makes me happy and i wish that you felt the same way i do..but instead you there happy in the sun and im here sitting inside crying..maybe im crazy.. but i dont know how to make it stop, i dont know any different..im sorry for this im sorry for being me im sorry for wanting you im sorry..

i dont know what else there is for me to do besides what ive done already.. i guess im just not good enough for someone to care about completely.. i think my goal for the summer is to lose weight, and then maybe ill be happy with myself and then maybe i wouldnt need the attention from the guys.. the reassurrance that im okay.. maybe then i wont cry all the time.. maybe.. well here goes.. i start today..

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 26 May :: 11.24 pm

If I could hold you tonight, it would last me forever
But the time’s never right, when will we be together, oh no

If I could make you understand, what you’re doing to me
Maybe there will come a time, when sooner or later I will make you see, baby

If you need somebody, the way that I need you
If you wanted somebody, the way that I want you

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 26 May :: 6.34 am

went for a cruise today and got lost lol in the pouring rain and ended up in medfeild lol!

then went out for kaitlins birthday to a great thai restaurant yum yum yum i cant believe shes 19!
it scarey to think about...


well i gtg finish getting ready for school.. ill write more later

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 25 May :: 1.07 am

another fucked up late night..
and i wish you were here...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 22 May :: 1.30 pm

some poetry...

the walls come tumbling down
turn the world around
blackened clouds steal my day
theres people all around
but they dont make a sound
they assume it'll all just go away
but what is lost
may not be found
someday someone walking away
might not turn around
the sun may set but never rise again
but until then i walk alone
the earth moves in patterns around me
dancing stars they taunt my dreams
while tears pour down my face
like rushing water finally set free
too many people fall too fast
too many people sit and watch life pass
old memories are lost at sea
and you and me know how it feels..

----

there is this place inside me,
i cant reach it,
cant feel it, or even understand it
but its in my veins and its in my lungs
its all around
theres this place inside of me
its in the place you used to be
now im only hypnotized sitting wasted,
crystalized
deceitful ive been tempted to your trap
and in that place, i feel a crack
my certain spot begins to break
im on the earth, and my body quakes
i cant fix it, it cant be touched
come on and break me if you must
there is this fragile kind of entity
living here inside of me
it makes me cry it makes me smile
while breaking me down all the while
i keep my darkest secrets in
but it eats away me inside out
i want to pour it all out now
this place inside me is filled with times
slowly fading with the tide
but all ive ever known to do
is try so hard to hold on to you
should i swim here on my own
paddle crazy, never make it home
thie place inside me doesnt know
i couldnt even let it go
i feel it all come tumbling down
i feel the world that i surround
i take their pain and make it mine
i would do it for you all the time
but im filling up to the brim
its a game of sink or swim
if i cant win this fight alone
i better make my way back home
theres this place inside me
i cant reach it, cant feel it
i cant control it.
cant tame it, but i make it
and it controls me
it controls me silently..

---

the ocean screams its loudest cry
as the sun slowly starts to die
i feel the water splash my face
i wave goodbye to this old place
the fire nipping at my nose
the embers falling to my toes
im wishing all will come and go
but i know, were all alone
time is coming to an end
down below we must descend
the beauty of life has lost the touch
we need it all, its not enough
life around us falls appart
as we enter eternal dark
may light be found inside us all
may we feel no pain before we fall
kiss goodbye to the one you love
my heart beats louder so you can hear my voice
this isnt my fault, this wasnt my choice
the sky breaks down in shades of black
weve brought the greys and lost the blues
just like my mind in thoughts of you
negative chills drift down my spine
we reach the depths, the end of time
the end of all this worlds creation
the end of an unhappy nation
rock the boats with forceful rage
release thehumans from their cage
emancipate my love for you
id rather die than be untrue
ill scream my lungs out
ill kill the crying dove
id rip my heart out just for love
but all thats wasted til today
weve all been bad were on our way
fall into destruction, we wont leave a path
theres nothing out there, no reason to turn back
the erath trembles as it quickly starts to fade
goodbye to pain, goodbye to love
goodbye to all these wasted days..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 21 May :: 12.55 pm

"i know your wise beyond your years but do you ever get the fear..that your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?"

grrr i dont know i cant even grasp whats onb my mind but its heavy and its weighing me down.. ive gotta get it out.. somehow...

ah..

update later

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 20 May :: 6.27 am

well i had a bad day...

but jimmi and dana came and picked me up and i was happy again..
i dont unserstand myself.. and i dont think i ever will..

how is it that i can understand everything and everyone but myself and my own problems?

ugh..

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 19 May :: 5.10 pm

ive come to the conclusion that this is all my fault. i ruined everything for myslef.. i lost my friends i lost my best friend.. my emotions lie to me.. my brain thinks things up and i begin to believe them.. im crazy and ive ruined eveyrhitng i had a chance at.. i lost everything..

pSyChOpAtHiC366: get ur fuckin shyt 2getha
pSyChOpAtHiC366: u wonder why every1z bailin on u
pSyChOpAtHiC366: itz cuz ur not amanda maltz nemore
pSyChOpAtHiC366: ur not the easy goin girl i knew
pSyChOpAtHiC366: ur diffrent
pSyChOpAtHiC366: so dun sit there n ask urself why ur loosin thys person or that person
pSyChOpAtHiC366: itz cuz allz u do now is complain
pSyChOpAtHiC366: but b4
pSyChOpAtHiC366: b4 u helped the kids that complained
pSyChOpAtHiC366: u were like what i am now
pSyChOpAtHiC366: uve changed
pSyChOpAtHiC366: dun sit there wit the dumbfounded expression on ur face "why did every1 leave"
pSyChOpAtHiC366: cuz u drove them the fuck away

i dont know how to help myself.. i dont know where to turn to.. i dont know how to vent.. i dont know how to control my emotions.. i dont know what i have... i dont know.. i dont know...

im stupid..

im stupid...

im stupid..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 17 May :: 6.35 am

silentcriez is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 15 May :: 5.02 pm

so yesterday i was bored all day until around 10.. i had a sucky hang over and felt shitty all day.. and then dana came over and we got high and chilled n watched tv.. haha we fell asleep and my dad woke us up at like 3.. oh gosh.. haha

well today has been borring but its been good to relax.. im really excited about my story its gonna be so good <3 thank you brendan

hmm well i dont really know what there is to say haha

update later

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 14 May :: 3.02 pm

the beginning to my new story

The welts are finally going down, and I can begin to see again. I look around and I see a small lamp dangling from the ceiling. They locked me in the closet this time. Better choice then the dark musty basement, I guess. Ill just sit and wait for them to open the door and drag me out to clean or help their lazy asses. I’m sick of living in this shithole town, i’m sick of Louisiana, and i’m sick of me.

All at once the door swung open hitting my face on an already tender bruise. "Get up you dirty little tramp. Next time I ask you to get me a drink you will wont you?"
"Yes" I replied reluctantly. Since when was it okay to treat a 16 year old this way? I thought to myself.
"Yeah that’s right, now get out of my house, go see your damn senile grandfather or your little druggie friends nobody wants you here" I walked out of the house and wandered aimlessly for a while. I know any normal girl would be in tears at this point, but it’s nothing new. I’m used to it all; i’m used to being nothing.

I finally reached the center of town where I saw Traci and Zim on the train tracks smoking a butt. Thank god I thought to myself, am I in need for one of those. As I approached them they handed me an already lit cigarette.. Damn do they know me well. "What the hell happened to you" asked Zim.
"She hit me again, knocked me out. But I don’t want to talk about it"
"Cady you really need to talk to people about these things, it helps you know." Traci paused after she saw an annoyed look creep onto my face. "I mean its okay to cry once in a while"
"What’s that song again?" I asked sarcastically.
Zim and Traci broke out into song "big girls don’t cry"

I don’t know how but we manage to turn the darkest of skies into paintings of turquoise oceans with sunlight reflecting off of each radiant bead. I mean sometimes ill lay in bed just praying that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Wishing I could stay in my dreams. I mean it’s almost disgusting in a way to think that my dreams are more comforting than reality. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. And I sure as hell don’t know where I belong.

"Where are we going?" I asked inquisitively
"I don’t know maybe just down to the reservoir, we can get high there and just chill." replied Zim
"Maybe watch the stars?" I yelped
"Of course"

The world swirls around me when i’m starring up at the stars, it’s like everything I can’t have floats above me just waiting for me to grab it. Just waiting for me one day make it there.

“Someday you’ll have to get over your pride Cady. It’s not always gonna be this way, its not always gonna be this hard.” Traci explained. “I mean your almost 18 just imagine what kinds of things there are to see. What kinds of people there are to meet. It can’t stay this bad forever.”
“You’d never understand my life guys… far worse than anything I’ve ever told you.”
“I know but you won’t talk to us…”
“it doesn’t help to talk about it” I interrupted.
“whatever you say Cady..”

Zim rummaged through his pockets to retrieve the green substance known as pot. Mamma calls me a druggie but I’m not, and neither are my friends. Its just we smoke because of boredom, we smoke because of pain, we smoke because there’s nothing else in life that we give a damn about. It’s really all we have sometimes, and it’s always there. The sun slowly hid itself and the moon took its place. It was a small crescent moon which sat way up in the night sky dancing with the stars. We sat silently starring up at the sky while taking long, harsh hits from Zim’s perfectly rolled joint.

This was our normal routine, our parents didn’t care much about us so we’d spend most of our time wandering our small Louisiana town, and smoking pot to pass the time. It was the only thing that really ever got my mind off of the pain in my life, aside from visiting my grandpa. We all used to live together, things weren’t always so bad, then my grandmother died leaving my grandpa with shares, and trust funds. He moved out and bought his own house, so he now lives alone. My selfish parents refuse to visit him. And refuse to drive me, so I’ll walk miles across town and into the city to his house on the main strip in New Orleans.

A nip in the air forced us to our feet, so we made the journey back to our dysfunctional homes. I stepped in the door quietly; I wished that I would be unheard. My mother walked through the living room with a box in her hand. She had been looking through my room, rummaging though all of my things.

“I found your damn stash.” She screamed at me
“Mamma I don’t know what you’re talking about...”
“Don’t play dumb with me missy, who buys you these cigarettes, where do you get these drugs?”
“I uh...” I stuttered and was abruptly interrupted.
“I said where did you get these.”

Mamma starred at me with her vicious eyes, waiting to pounce on me. I could see it in her expression, that she wanted me dead. I had no explanation for her so I walked out of the room and slammed my bedroom door closed. I could hear her screaming obscene phrases at me, but I didn’t care. I felt safe in the comfort of my room. I laid on my bed starring at the ceiling for what seemed to be hours. I waited patiently for the house to quiet down and for the small morning hours to approach. I crept down the hall to the bathroom and reached into the cabinet to find my small shiny razor. I’d sit by myself and hold the razor in my hand praying for the courage to press down.

The morning sun quickly engulfed the sky and I took off before they had the chance to bother me. School was boring and full of dramatic teenagers with problems no bigger than a field mouse. I wander down the hallway of this ratty old school, the musty smell permeates in my nostrils and I am reminded it will all soon be over. I glance across the hall to see a few freshmen. It amazes me how I could have ever filled their shoes. As I've seen the many different “types” of kids flow through this school, they seem to get sluttier and sluttier as the years fly by. I remember walking into this school like I owned it. We all thought we were god’s gift, when we were rudely awoken.

We dressed how we wanted, and lived how we saw fit. You see, there were 4 major groups; Preps, stoners, straight edged weirdos, and just plain queer antisocial kids. I of course, fell into the pothead category. We listened to the music which altered America, smoked the best bud cheap, and were envied by all. I guess you could say people wanted to be us. But mostly they just wanted to live the life, not giving a fuck and feeling fine about it.

I continued to pace down the hallway keeping my focus on each ceramic square. I kept a slight grin on my face, as I looked at all of the people. I looked into their eyes and saw fear, pain and naivety. They were so young, and so unexpecting. They’d whine and cry over their new shoes not being in style, basically things that don’t matter in the long run.

I was just about to dose off in history when I heard my name called over the loud speaker. “Will Cadence Nardone please report to the front office at this time?” Without dispute I walked out of class and made my way to the office.

“Dammit another detention...” I mumbled under my breath as I approached the office. The secretary was on the phone with her boyfriend, I could hear they’re pointless conversation which kept me waiting. Finally she hung up the phone and attended to me.
“Mrs. St. Stephen is waiting to see you. I’m so sorry sweety… I’m so sorry.”
I couldn’t understand why she was apologizing to me, maybe just the fact that I was assigned yet another detention. That wasn’t the normal response she usually laughs in our faces, so I was confused. The heavy oak door of the principle’s office swung open and the equivalent to the devil stood in its opening. I stumbled in and sat in the leather chair placed before her desk. “I hate to have to break the news to you Cadence.” Mrs. St. Stephen spoke in a lulling voice. “Your grandfather has passed away. We didn’t have a home number to reach your parents so we decided to call you down personally.”

My world froze; the one thing in my life which I cared about was gone. He was ripped away from me and I wasn’t able to say goodbye. How would he ever be able to know I cared so much about him? He’ll never get to know that I looked up to him. He’ll never see me get married; drive a car, and none of the monumental moments in a teenagers life. “Alright well, will you be needing a pass back to class?”
“yes” I replied.

And that was that, she kicked me out of her office, and back into the whirlpool of hate in the world. I wasn’t about to go back to class so I paced the hallways finding Traci’s classroom. I waved in the window for her to leave, so she met me in the bathroom. We decided to ditch school and go down the reservoir and drink to get my mind off of death. We had a handle of vodka and some beers left hidden down there. Zim met us shortly after we set up our blanket and radio and began binge drinking. The last thing I remember was the music playing loudly… lyrics echoing in my head.

“I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and its heading into black.
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facing up when your whole world is black...”

The stars blurred together as I drifted into a sleeplike state. My eyes closed and I passed out with Zim and Traci at my side.

I woke up the next morning to the bitter reality that my grandpa was gone. I trudged home and through the door to find my mother and father seated at a table with a lawyer. “Oh sweety your home, the gentlemen is discussing something personal with us would you please go to your room?” spoke my mother in a fake tone. I headed to my room and pretended to go inside. I sat in the hallway listening to what they were saying.

“The will clearly states that the remaining funds go to Cadence, as well as the deeds to your father’s home in New Orleans.” Said the Lawyer in a sure voice.
“That can’t be possible, she’s a minor she can’t get those kinds of things.” Barked my mother
“That’s for you to debate on your own time, you can go to court and get the money transferred to you but that will take about a week. So until then it’s under her name.”

What was this? I was left his money and his house, my grandpa did love me. That night I packed up and decided to stay at his house. I took a box from under my bed and took with me some cash, a pair of clothes, a bottle of vodka, a pack of cigarettes and a piece of paper with the lawyers name on it. Walking to New Orleans never seemed to be such a short walk before tonight. I decided that in the morning I would go to see the lawyer about the money.

Wednesday was always my favorite day of the week. Half way to the weekend, half the way away from the weekend. Which ever way you looked at it, it was the same, but different. I liked the enigma attatched to it. I sauntered down the road ready to speak to the man who held my happiness in his hands. I approached a large brick building with large spinning doors, I charged through them and walked up to the secretary. She pointed me in the lawyers direction.

..... ill put it up when its finished..

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx