DarkSwordDancer
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2005 5 July :: 7.10pm
em
wah
Ok so...past few days...slightly hektic...July 3rd ran around with Jessika and Roxy...twas roxannes birthday...it was fun..bought a happy bunny poster that says its all about me ....deal with it...ha...We went and saw War of the Worlds...i must say i didnt expect that movie to be very good...but it was. We then went home did fireworks, cake and cleaning of roxannes room...me...eh...
The next day (July 4) and Jessika is laying on Roxannes bathroom floor crying and moaning...She had a pain in her lower left side and was clammy so i thought she had Appendicitis but she only had a kidney stone...i guess thats better...but ive never heard of people getting those so young...but neways...we had to drive all the way to Jessikas house and coax her mom into taking her to the emergency room...eh...mom...grrr...but yeah jessika is good now...thankfully
July 4
Up with only like 6 or 7 hours of sleep...not good for shelly...* above story* went home and was uber cranky and tired and stressed.....bought some f-works then set them off w/roxanne at my house then went to pauls familys area to shoot more off. We were leaving to go watch the works at the SkatePark and Paul kinda chased us cause he didnt listen to Trish when she said she was taking roxy and i to the riverfriont....* he later jumped on Trish's hood as she drove away....smart man...*. The fireworks were pretty...yeah....im more of a lighter then a watcher..lol.. went home and slept.
Yeah..pretty uneventful days....*cough*...yeah Raab is in the hospital....he cut his hand a couple of times and got his tendon in his right hand, index finger infected and had to have surgury today...he prolly wont have much control of that finger after this....( Note* to all those stupid people out the...if you are going to do weird/stupid stuff...do it so you dont kill/maim/disembowl or amputate anything...k?)
Yeah...my parents decided to make sure i knew how much of a burden i am to them and how my being involved in things is a bad setup for them...fine...i know im better and further in my life then they were when they were 16...partly due to them and partly due to me...but im just a burden so it dosnt matter...i hate when they say and do things like that...its actually pretty hard on me since they are why im usually doing things...make them proud...right...when i come back from anything ,competition wise, with anything less then first place my dad is disappointed in me...and my mom uses me to get back at my dad for crap....its annoying...sure i appreciate all they do and give me...but its all given outta spite or anger...thee is always a but attached to anything they touch....sure you can go over to roxannes or jessikas but we will be picking you up at 10 or 11....sure you can go shopping but you have to leave 10 of the 15 you earned...sure...but...sure...but....sure you can live your life but you cant enjoy it....
it was pretty bad today...i coulnt look at myself in the mirror today....*sigh*...my dad is harpering on my about my weight again.....i've had 6 peices of bread today ,an egg and a rootbeer float...yes...i eat so much...eh....im exhausted
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darksworddancer
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2005 2 July :: 12.41pm
:: Mood: touched
Your Summer Anthem is Don't Cha by The Pussycat Dolls
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Your summer forecast: freaky and full of drama! |
Funny thing...i love some of the dance moves in this song...mwahhhahaha...eh....
Yeah so not much is new...i lost a little more weight..which is nice....i want to loose alot more by the end of the summer...
So the Live 8 Aid for Africa thing is today and im kinda blown away...there were showing the concert in london and you couldnt see the end of the crowd from the stage....its awsome...
Dance dance....yeah...i am going to join kimmerlees bellydancing class i think...it'll be fun
oh yeah...my hair is brown now...
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 10 June :: 9.45pm
Waaaaaa....
NICK!!!!! Control GWEN,JESSIKA and ASHLEY...PLEASE!!!!!They....arg...frustration...
So the other day i biked to roxannes house...it was cool ...except for biking to the top of the hill by nicks house...seeing the gate blocking my way down the huge hill...grr...but we made my dress for ash's party...its pretty.....
So im hanging with niki tonight...eh..comp is barking at me...Winn Patrol Scotty Dog....right....well...yes our last sleepover till august :'(
yes so im less stressed..yay....bye
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 22 May :: 8.16pm
:: Music: radio
...
Yeah ,so I’m close to cracking I cant take it anymore…my little brother sat and laughed at me while I was in my room crying….and he called me insensitive…this kinda crap happens often…when I need someone to be slightly supportive they leave or mock me….i cant take I anymore…when I need to talk to someone ,its not an often thing, I need someone to be there and talk to…it tends to keep ,me together but when they leave because someone else calls or they just have to go it sucks…cause then I cry…I hate crying…with a passion…for me I s\wish it were impossible….it would make life easier….
I ve been depressed for the past few months and I don’t know why..i used to be so happy and now im not….what happened?…I don’t even find joy in some of the things that used to bring tears of happiness to my eyes……I hate being dependent upon people….it sucks…I always let them down or they let me down…or we do something stupid that affects someone else or something selfish…
I ave gotten to the point were ..arg….i had all this done not minutes ago but my fucking computer of hell froze up and I could update…
Colten and Raab officially piss me off….they are both boar headed morons who think of no one but themselves….
I hate life….i cant except things the way they are…and those things I can accept I don’t take action toward…something make me so pissed off that I turn red but then there are things that make my heart flutter and for a moment im so happy is scary….but I never take action toward them..i hate mayself for it…
I hate cant stand to hear my name anymore….when I talk to adults they always talk about how responsible and reliable I am…..i cant even take care or control some of my emotions now…where do they get this crap from?…
I feel like my heart and mind are breaking for no reason…I don’t know why…I don’t have a reason for it…or even and idea…I wish I was a phoenix right now so I coult just burn up and be reborn out of the ashes twice as wise and twice as ready for people…
I cant take people who tell me their problems and all that crap and rant to me but when I need someone to do the same thing they leave…they always leave…ir cant handle it or …or just don’t care…I rarly need someone to rant and spill to but it seems when I need people like that they always are waiting for another call or someone magically calls or they just don’t want to hear it…people call me crying and I drop all im doing to help them deal…but I don’t get the same courtesy…*sigh* yes I being a bitch..if you cant deal with it then leave…
So somethings have been bothering m lately…something is kinda bottled up and put away for a bit….
At xmas shayla, jessic and I were going to do a present swap. Shayla and I were going to give Jessica a present, me and jessika were going to give shayla a gift and shayla and jessika were going to get me one…well shayla and Jessica each received their gifts and guess who didn’t….yeah like that’s a new occurrence…and I didn’t say anything to them because It was the giving season and I pretended it didn’t bother me….so they kept making promises that they would get me the gift soon….and I acted like I didn’t care…so finally they are like we’ll just give you double birthday presents…so I was ok and acted like I didn’t care….so this past week they were like so are wqe going to do the xmas thing again? And I say” have fun with it cause im not doing it again” and they wondered why I didn’t want to and I told them because I didn’t want to be left out again….they promised it wouldn’t happen again but I say no…I don’t believe them…they are too thick to work together….
Rochie has been bugging me for a bit cause shes been really mean latly..and you know I know people get like that…but it’s a constant thing…and then I see her with other people and shes totally cool but then shell talk to me and she just seems to be in a bad mood again….im tired of her good cop bad cop act…it bugs me..
I like ryan a lot..he can make me laugh…its nice..but he is leaving so im drawing away from him so im not a mope when he leaves…… my mom isn’t helping ..i cant talk to anyone right now….i cant handle it….i cant even handle my family talking in the kitchen
2 opinions |
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 14 May :: 4.25pm
:: Music: radio
Yeah so friday i was in art class and crossed my legs like one leg ontop of the other...and accidently went all the way ap ryans leg in the process....yeah...it was bad.....then we all went out and burnt snowflakes...hehe..
Christinas b-day was fun...she wasnt acting the entire time so it was cool!
Im really tired right now...eh....sleep or maybe ill go out...i kinda want to go rollerskating or something...i worked outside for a bit toay...it was nice and warm...then it got cloudy...grrrr.....im gonna go clean my room now! Oh and i got my cell...yay!!!!!
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 8 May :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: radio
So not much to update....someone took some affirmative action for me concerning ryan...now everything is strange...eh
Nick cut off a large part of his head....i mean hair...it was weird.....he kinda reminded me of a G. I Jo.......lol....we didnt recognize him when he walked in at Applebees..lol
So other then michelle and her boy obsessions flux not much is happening...oh i am getting my Cell on wednesday or thursday!!!!YAY!
give your insight
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 2 May :: 8.29pm
:: Music: ...
hmmm
So i went home today cause i was feeling like total crap....kinda like now....but it was worth it.....
Im gonna tell Ryan about my crush on him soon...but i still am slightly tenative about the whole thing...idunno it'll maker things akward and the like...eh...maybe i wont tell him.....
This weekend myu boobs became the community boobs...i was groaped so many times it wasnt even funny....eh....BUBBLE!!!!....so yeah....
Other then anything to do with guys im pretty good.....AMANDA LEAVES WEDNESDAY!!!!!....YES! the hoar will be gone...forever!!!!!Mwahahahhha....yea...little bit of happiness....one less person who truly pisses me off....
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 30 April :: 9.22pm
yeah...
Ok…so today I felt like the hunchback of Notre Dom….yeah….eh…..So the Ryan thing…I kinda want it to go away…whats the point of having a crush on a guy who is graduating…..eh….have you ever smelt guy Curve?…oh…..my….god….that stuff smells amazing….and he was like saturated in it on Friday…I almost died….yeah i know typical teen talk…eh….
I noticed I morphed….ive become a Roxica….crap…its now bugging me….i make noises like Roxy and whine like Jessika…lol
My comp is having trouble keeping up with me today…? Why ? I do not know….
So im probably going to take some affirmative action with the Ryan thing and tell him….like the last day of school….then I’ll run away down the hall cause im stupid like that…eh…
So not much is new cept that….um…im not to terribly depressed anymore….i want to go shopping sometime soon….like at old navy or downtown or something so…
I’ve noticed I start a lot of journal entries with “Ok…”.eh
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 23 April :: 9.45pm
Ok…so for those of you who believe Michelle to be the dumbest person on the earth…your day has come…because she has just done the stupidest thing EVER…..so yeah..I was at MAI…at the mixer….and I put my purse and stuff I bought while going around town in Missoula on a table…..*smack*….I went back to go pick it up later….and someone had stolen my wallet….which had my ID and bison blue card and gift cards and all that great stuff and like 5$ in it…..and my stuff I had bought…..like a tea strainer and a cd and stuff…..ARG!!!!!!!…shoot me now so I don’t bring anymore stupidity to the human race…gah……so yeah…they didn’t take any makeup or body spray….so I immediately walk outta the gym…and don’t even make it down the hall until I start crying because Im thinking of how my parents are going to turn me inside out for loosing my base ID….then all this stuff happens and we look in like the bathrooms and stuff and the janitor finds my wallet in the back of the up stairs boys bathroom……..the only things left in it are my school and base ID’s then some other stuff…but they took all the stuff that had like no money on it ( gift cards…yeah…I kinda collect them…)and some sentimental stuff….it was a relief to get my ID’s back…but I was still…really pissy and I felt totally violated….and stupid….i still wanna cry because im so ashamed and embarrassed of my incompetence……eh
So past that it was an ok trip…well not really but I can BS to myself all I want. I got to know some people better…like Rochelle….we got along amazingly well ..it was nice……but the I realized how two faced Christine is…and that made me sad….she was like a friggin chameleon the entire trip…and she was doing it for the wrong reasons…and all she did was whine about Colton and the like…she made me mad cause she kept saying me MADE you do his homework or he MADE her stay up till 4 am…..i told her everyone has a choice no matter what….so I was kinda pissed about her attitude…..so yeah….by the end of the trip I was like back off I don’t wanna talk to you anymore…..
Eh…im in the crappiest mood today…it sucks…but it’s a back lash….my eyes still hurt…..then people were screaming all the way back….eh……I swear I had a hangover this morning…from what I dunno…but my head hurt…..and I drank a lot of water and took advil and it would go away…so I was kinda bitch today….oh well….they’ll survive…
+ side…..met some awesome people!!!!
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 18 April :: 6.25pm
:: Music: Garbage CD Bleed Like Me
well...
So today was um....interesting...pretty good to say the least......only weird thing was my large dislike for my crush on Ryan....i dunno it was weird....i kinda dont want to like him anymore...i think thats what is depressing me slightly.....the whole i want but wont ever be able to have...
I like the New Garbage CD!!!!!...yeah...be quiet....I think my favorite songs are Metal Heart and Sex Is Not The Enemy...i dunno why...eh
So its raining right now...and that makes me happy...:) i like rain...but my hair curls in this weather...lol...like wavy curl/lazy spiral curl....i hope it rains tomarrow so i can go to school with my hair like this...; )
I leave for missoula on friday! Happyness...
Are you guys going to apply for Leadership High School?..you should....if you have time.....
My hands were bleeding thisweekend from sewing and gardening and playing my cello...lol
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 16 April :: 8.28pm
OK so my comp is being a brat…..im doing this update on word then transferring it to my journal……
So the past couple of days …little things seem to bug everyone…including yours truly….im kinda having trouble handling large group get-togethers…like each time we do a really big one I tend to get close to crying a couple of times….i dunno…I think its an attention thing….and it annoys me that I do that…….
Today was left in charge cause my parents went to Helena for the day….yeah…im tired. So my bro goes out to play and I tell him to be back at 2 pm on the dot….at about 2:20 I got out and look for him…..hes still at the college playing…he then blames his friends for still being there (?) Yet he had a watch and knew what time he had to be home….right…well….so I tell him he cant go anywhere until he gets a better attitude ….he then throws a fit……so I leave for a 15min bike ride so as not to strangle him….and while im gone my mom calls……the only time I leave the entire time….my mom calls……* slaps the world in the face* She talks to Michael who is totally spiteful then….he tells her it was his friends faults he was late and that I went to the mall….? Huh? * Strangle little brother *…..yeah….so to blow off more steam I got out and work in the garden….i had to weed it..it was nice…the smell of earth is calming…that and ripping things outta the ground is hard work…but now we have a clear plot for out garden this summer!!!!….i think im allergic to grass… * itch itch *
So Thursday….eh…..Colton…..touches way to much….soooo far outta my comfort zone…..eh……and jess strending was kinda pissing me off….so was shayla…shes become out rightly mean…..other then that not many problems….but I thinn k I will veer from large group get-togethers…like 6 or 7 …and depending on who is there….eh….i felt like I was gonna explode Thursday …..sorry all…im not a tell everyone my problems kinda person……welll other then my journal…but that’s cause it is a journal….kinda its use…..
I got the new Garbage CD Friday! I love it….they sound way different for most of the songs….its refreshing …….
I want to go camping up at holter this summer…it’ll be fun….
I have a really bad headache today…it wont go away
Jessika: Squak…..* loud fizzing sounds *
Michelle: What was that?
Jessika: I opened a CREAM soda.
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darksworddancer
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2005 12 April :: 6.54pm
:: Music: Going crazy
Real words
Ah...the safety of woohu....im sad
and i hate it.....
im tired of all of this
im tired of being second best
im tired of always walking on fucking egg shells.......grrrr
I dont want to go to helena this weekend ...i just wanna stay home and have a few friends over...to chill and watch movies...and i dont want to have to go and hang with my little bro and some 14 year old my mom promised me to! MY GOD!!!!! I told hey 2 weeks ago i didnt want to go to helena...i told her i had stuff to do...but no....she couldnt take it...she couldnt understand a simple request to stay home .....then she got mad at me for not wanting to go....its so frustrating...then....THEN she told some of her peers ...sure michelle with let your daughter hang with her for two days...NO NO NO...im so tired of her always volunteering me for random crap...oh and to top it off today...i lost my mowing job.......so now i barly get 15 $ every two weeks...so im getting a real job...
Why cant she just stop.....just stop doing anything to me or putting me into weird situations because its fricken convienient for her....im not in the mood this week to play big sister to a random person i dont even know...i dont even want to go on a fricken over night family trip...im buisy with school work and my new science project and not killing everyone....eh......and i only get this way now around them...at school im fine...but when it comes to being with my brother who is being a major brat (along woith jessikas broand sis and roxys sis) my mom being a crack head and my dad being depressed i tend to get a weeeee bit STRESSED!........*sigh*
Ryan, Justin, Steven, Jackie,and Adolph are graduating this year.....shh but im not going to be terribly sadf...maybe over justin leaving...hes been my friend forever...but other then that...not really sad......
BOOM
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darksworddancer
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2005 28 March :: 7.28pm
:: Music: the x
shhheeeeewa
Yeah..so i had an extreamly michelle moment today...here is the story.........
Walking in Home Depo with dad and see ryan...wave walk over...dad talks to sales pertson...walk off with ryan...talk....turn corner into an thingy and trip on display thingy.....faceplant....in front...of .....crush.....eh....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...he says (through a laughing mouth) "Oh that was cute, you squeaked"....me..." That wasnt cute....wait...what?!" end convo...stand up and dad asks what happened....
I have a large red mark on my forehead....eh....DAMN...
Bright side of all...we finished the board...YAY!!!
Yeah...im off my boy hiatis.......here summer comes!!!!!!yaya!
heee...im hyper today...mwaha!
give your insight
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DarkSwordDancer
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2005 16 March :: 8.09pm
:: Music: Eisly-Marvelous Things
ITS my sweet 16!!!
"Marvelous Things"
I awoke the dawn
Saw horses growing out the lawn
Ah ah .....
I glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings
Oh what marvelous things
Ah ah....
Dark night...hold tight, and sleep tight
My baby
Morning light...shall burst bright
And keep us here safely
I followed a rabbit
Through rows of mermaid entwined Shrubbery
Ah ah....
Oh what marvelous things but, they are, they are, they are
Giving me the creeps
Dark night...hold tight, and sleep tight
My baby
Morning light...shall burst bright
And keep us here safely
Oh...lying in the sun
Everday feeling all of the magic in life
You might find the wonder.....
Dark night...hold tight, and sleep tight
My baby
Morning light...shall burst bright
And keep us here safely
Morning light...shall burst bright
And keep us here safely
Ah ah.....
Happy B-day to me!!!!!!...ok im done.....
So i really like this song....yeah its nice....
FOR JESSIKA:
album: "Room Noises" (2005)
Thats the album name....
I want the cd.....ok now i hgave to call everyone and ask what kind of pizza they want...
give your insight
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darksworddancer
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2005 12 March :: 8.28pm
:: Music: radio.....
GRRRRRRRRRRR....
Im grounded from the phone....just stab me .....the week of my birthday...when plans are still happening....and i need to get a hold of everyone....they ground me off the phone......
So yeah...im really pissed but not showing it .....so i dont get incarserated over my birthday...eh...i really want to cry because im at home alone...like w/o friends...and everyones at jessikas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....eh....lonliness....shhhh....im ok i promise......*twitch*......i cant take it....im social creature.....A SOCIAL CREATURE YOU HEAR ME!!!?!?!?....eh
My sister called and said i didnt need to babysit.....my only event of the night......taken from me......
I've taken a liking to sitting in my bowl and listening to music....its calming...bnut my parents always disturbe set calm....
*sigh*......i need to be alone...out of my house.....on the shores of ireland or the moors of ireland...anywhere....ireland just soundsreally good right now...
I turn 16 in 4 days and im no longer excited......i was till today...but the thought of the family fights getting more numerous and worse makes me want to die.......right now.....i am tired of my parents yelling at eachother all the time.....they put on such a facade when people are around and then turn to snakes as soon as they leave.... dont get me wrong...i love my parents very much....but when one of the say something to point h\out more flaws every time i leave in the morning....it just sucks....it ruins my day....and then im really self concious all day long....and very irritable....and then i start crying for no reason...randomly...like not actually crying but i get frustration headaches all day...
Ive noticed alot of things latley......like....im starting to nnoy myself....its weird...when im introduced into a group of people ive never met ill take on their habits and stances...untill we part...then i go back to who i am..and it bugs me...i dont like mimicing people....it bugs me.....
i found a dress i want to make...in a way it goes with the theme of prom....mid-evil....it should be fun...but i might not go...i want a date this year...but im cool with not having one...
i think i would die without "..." yeah...addiction... i dont even notice how often i use them..well i didnt until now...eh..
So the school astronomy club is donating 100$ to Kimmerlee and I and the city one is also donating money...im happy and flattered....its cool that they have recognized us for out work....
give your insight
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