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2003 20 December :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: talking to jim
i'm just sitting here, eating a candy cane; listening to jim. he's playing driver 2 on playstation. i'm just sittin here watchin' and talking to him. i have to go back to school on monday, that sucks. but christmas vacation starts on thursday.. thank goodness.
my pap is home from the hospital [since yesterday] which is a good thing. let's hope he stays home for a while.
5 days til christmas.
and i still have to christmas shop.
xx.jena
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2003 16 December :: 8.46pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: cheap trick - i want you to want me
wishing jim was here
school was hell; as always. i came home went directly to the bank with my mom to cash a check, went home picked up the girls from the bus and my brother from down the house, we all went to see my pap in the hospital. i was supposed to go shopping with jim.. but plans changed so i called jim told him i couldn't come..
the doctor told my gram that my pap wouldn't make it out of the hospital this time. his heart is giving out. ..right before christmas.
i really don't consider myself "depressed" i just think that sometimes i get sad; like everyone else does.
but right now i am truely upset, mad, depressed and every other word there is. i just really need to be with jim to fuckin' cry on his shoulder for a while. it helps when i do that.. it really helps.
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2003 15 December :: 9.01pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: outkast - hey ya'll [it's just on the radio..]
is it never ending?
i haven't been doing much lately. didn't go to school friday or today..
my pap went back into the hospital again around 7:00 tonight..
i'm almost done with christmas shopping, just a few more things.
10 days til christmas. wow.. that's not very far away.
i think i'm gonna get a shower tonight and just go to school in my pj's tomorrow.
xx.jena
"i want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled, the one who could brighten up your day, even if i couldn’t brighten my own"
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2003 8 December :: 4.08pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: bob marley - no woman no cry
stressed.
-my pap is still in the hospital
-my mom is being stupid lately, we've been "fighting" about everything
-jim sometimes forgets to call me, i get upset
-i keep pasing out (..not joking.)
-i have a whole week ahead of me with assignments due, tests etc;; and it's really stressin' me out
now for the good news..
xx.jena
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2003 5 December :: 6.09pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: switchfoot - ment to live
everybody knows..
my pap is in the hospital again.
he's not doing well. everbody in my family knows that, but no one will openly talk about it.
why is it so hard to talk about someone dying? ..it seems to be a simple question, but it's hard to answer.
..it's just to hard to face, so we cover it up and pretend like nothing is happening; when really we're losing a huge part of ourselves.
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2003 1 December :: 2.04pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: linkin park - numb
everything's just getting worse
jim and i were supposed to go to the mall today, but his fone was busy busy busy- and i couldn't get through, so we didn't go. once again jim, thanks for basicly ditching me. 3rd day in a row.
You are the crying eye. You think nothing out
theres worth it an u just want to be alone. You
know uve been hurt 2 much wen u open ur eyes n
all u see are tears.
The type of pain ur eyes behold
brought to you by Quizilla
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2003 30 November :: 12.20pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: silence
there will always be that one special boy.. that no matter what he does to you, or how bad he hurts you.. you can never let him go.
..thats all i have to say.
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2003 29 November :: 2.22pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: p.o.d. - will you
i don't even know anymore..
so last night jim was like "yeah, i'll call you when i get home." he didn't even fuckin' get home until 1:30 a.m. or so he says and thats why he's calling so late. so i was like okay whatever.. and being that today is our one year anniversary- i figured he'd be like "happy anniversary" or SOMETHING. but of course not. he didn't say shit. a week or so ago we were talking about what we were going to do today and he told me that we were going to the mall, movies, dinner, ect. i kept asking him what we were gonna do today and he was just like "i don't know" "who knows" i'm like okay..? i got really pissed after about 4 minutes, because 9 out of 10- he didn't remember. so i said bye and hung up.. but he didn't call back. so i was just like "fuck it" to myself.. cried for a while. a long while. watched a movie, cried after the movie. did something bad, cried some more. went to sleep at 4:30 or so.. i thought maybe he'd call me back and say something nice, tell me that he didn't forget.. or something.. but no. he didn't.
my aunt called at like 9:30 this morning, because i was supposed to go to centry three with her and my gram, but i didn't go. who the fuck wants to go somewhere when their heart has literally been ripped out of them? i feel like shit.
i always feel like shit anymore.
maybe i'm wrong, maybe he didn't forget.. maybe he'll call me in a little bit and talk to me and say happy anniversary and tell me how much he loves me and everything, but i doubt it.
i'm doubting everything anymore.
//.jena
"your lies leave scars on my wrists"
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2003 28 November :: 11.13pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: legally blonde on tv
bad day
it was just a bad day today..
You are Sally. Jack is your love but he doesn't
even think of you that way. you long to become
your own person and get away from your
posessive creator.
What character from Nightmare Before Christmas are you???
brought to you by Quizilla
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2003 27 November :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: bush - glycerine
happy thanksgiving everyone.
well, first off i'd like to tell everyone happy thanksgiving! and i hope everyone is having a wonderful one, with friends/family.
i was up my aunts, and a lot of my family. i would just sit in my chair and watch them. now about 1/2 of them have little kids, and my cousins greg and tiff just had a little girl about a year or so ago.. and i would just sit and watch how my cousin greg would look at her. you could just tell she was the center of his world. it was so cute. hailey [thats her name] is so cute. very very cute.
so i'm glad about everyone being up there.. but i wish more people could have made it. my pap isn't doing to good, so who knows what will happen, ya know? i just wish some people would understand that.
i think this year was the first year i actually stayed ate at a table with some people. i usually just go off by myself and eat in the living room- or whatever. but hey, i can change.. right? =]
jim said he was going to be out around 3, haha fuckin' yeah right. i hate when he tells me something and then doesn't do it! he could call me or something. but no. no no no.
i don't even care.
i'm in a pretty good mood- even though i am disappointed in him.
but hey, what else is new?
it'll be a year for jim and i on the 29th of this month. ONLY 2 DAYS AWAY! ahh! it's so scary! but it's wonderful. =]
i'm gonna go back up my aunts. like i said, i hope eveyone is having a wonderful thanksgiving!
xoxo.jena
"i made the choice to finally go because i can’t stand this pain. it’s time for my last tear to fall and me to smile again."
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2003 25 November :: 5.54pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: smile empty soul - bottom of the bottle
please do this.
my mom e-mailed me this site for Campbells soup. they're helping the people that need food.
what you do is [first CLICK HERE.] and then click on you favorite team of the NFL. [or if you don't have a favorite team, vote for the Pittsburgh Steelers. ;) ]
please do that.. just imagine what it'd be like in their shoes.
xx.jena
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2003 23 November :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: talking to jim
got what i wanted
yeah, jim stayed home from work yesterday.. and today. =)
we went to the mall today- i got some stuff. (3 new shirts.)
that's all.
xx.jena
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2003 22 November :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: silence
nothing in particular
jim was supposed to go to work today, be he got really sick.. so he's not going in until 5. which is good, cause that means he'll get to spend more time with me. but i think he should just call off the whole day. so i can go over his house and stay or something. yeah. i think i'll try to get him to do that.
i'll update later with the results.
xx.jena
"they lie in bed with nothing said, as she gently falls asleep.
he thinks about how life would be if they didn't meet."
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2003 20 November :: 9.04pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: jims playstaion game
...
i just came down from my aunt and uncles.. [my gram and pap live with them.] and my pap is back from the hospital the other day. i just went up and saw him.
he's not doing so good.. but it's better than we thought he'd be..
now we can just pray, and hope for the best.
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2003 16 November :: 9.13pm
:: Mood: content, in a pretty good mood.
:: Music: talking to allison [amys sister]
_!@#&?
i just got back from wal*mart.. some things i bought:
2 cards for jim [one for our 1 year anniversary, which is on nov. 29.. and one to give to him tonight.. because it's cute. and i love him to pieces.]
a "big jim" [LOL it's this HUGE candy cane.. but they call it a "big jim" hahaha] that's also for jim.
letter stickers
and thats it.
we stopped at subway. and i got a sweet onion chicked teryaki sub. mmmm mmmm good.
right now i'm helping allison with her math homework. oh yeah.
okay, sorry amy hopped on the computer for a couple minutes.
so right now i'm pretty bored.. i miss jim. even though i saw him today..
i love you jim.
xx.jena
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