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but my god, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles {v.29}

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TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 21 March :: 4.02pm
:: Mood: Pumped and Excited
:: Music: K-Unit

Well, I'm going to be leaving soon to go to Grand Rapids for my first dance competition of this year. Hopefully we'll do well. I have a good feeling about this one! Well I have to go. Catch ya later! K-UNIT!!!!

P.S. Incase you're wondering K-Unit is the name of our song and our group's stage name. It satnds for Karla's Unit. Karla being our dance teacher. Kick ass!!!!

1 love | just breathe


TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 20 March :: 9.52pm
:: Mood: lonely

Grow Old With You
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad.
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks.
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, I'll even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink;
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man to grow old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 20 March :: 2.51pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: even silence does not help me get my thoughts in order

love-lies-bleeding
Well I tried to talk about it and me to someone. I tried. But they didn't want to hear about it. It hurt them or whatnot.
How does this not further my thinking?
They have enough to deal with with themselves and the problems of their close close friends. Why should I add my problems to theirs?

I had this all in my head to write here... and now I've blanked again. I always blank when I try and talk about the things on my mind. Not purposefully mind you, I guess it's a defense mechanism. So... when I have talked to anyone about what goes on in my head or how I feel or the like, I hope you appreciated it in the fact that I had to fight a lot of things to get that out and it did nearly kill me each time.
But that doesn't matter now does it?

Let me see..
Oh! Okay, random order now:

Kissing. You know what I find interesting is that one of the things I just could not do or I guess 'handle' is the thing that has been latched on to and used most against me. To me, kissing is on the lips. The act of kissing. A kiss on the cheek or whatnot is a kiss yes, but it's not kissing. Either way. I have not kissed anyone. And when I was kissed on the cheek, my mind completely blanked. Yeah, I had no reaction and felt nothing. All emotions and thoughts stopped. I was completely blank.
That sound like fun?

What else.....
I do trust you few people I really counted as friends. Trust has little to do with my lack of being able to talk with you. Perhaps in some high unconscious level it limited me. I guess it did.. but on the conscious level I deeply trusted my friends.
No, I never did see how little I returned the level of trust that I asked of each of you. It never registered in my mind that I wasn't giving the same that I asked. Perhaps if it did hurt each of you so much, you may have thought to point that out to me a bit earlier.

And this..
Yeah. Let's see how much further I can open myself up here before I snap.

The only way I feel worth something at all is if I'm helping someone. If I can give them good advice or help them in some way, then I'm worth something. But if I can't help them, they don't see me worth something to go to for help, or I hurt someone, then I'm not worth damn shit. Then if I'm fucking worthless, what's the point in me being here?

I see myself as pretty worthless. Yeah, give me a ladder and I probably would place myself around or below complete strangers. I have exteremely low self-confidence. I've known that. I could assume reasons why. I don't see why people would want to be friends with me if it wasn't for the fact that I help them. I know for a fact that's the only reason a few people are my 'friends.'

If an actual friendship is where both people can talk to each other about anything on their minds or anything going on or anything that they feel, then I've deluded myself once again. I see a recurrent theme from middle school. Think you have actual friends... but it's really just a lie. I guess I'm blind huh? But this time I prefer to pop the bubble and find reality before the years are over. Lovely. I especially like how I've screwed some friendships in the last month I have left with them. Why wait to let them wane slowly over years when I can sever them brutally right now?
The way I see it I've two options... open myself till I snap and tell everyone everything. Or cement myself inside my shell.
Black and White. Damnit.


I was completely lost and confused. I chose the best option I could think of that would hopefully not make matters worse. What do you ask of me? To not have felt at all in the first place? Defy human nature and become more self-sacrificing then I have been as of late.. shall I try that?

I didn't want to hurt anyone.
Well you did.
But I told people what was up; they had to know.
You told them too late.
Better late then never.


How many levels would you like to see me kill myself? The things I've said here I'm not able to say. I typed some of the thoughts out sure, probably not all of them relatedly and definitely not all of what's in my head or I had planned to write before. And although they're here I still can't say them. Talk to me about them or such things and I guarantee I'll blank or lose connections. That is why it takes me so long to reply and make coherent sense. And that is why I use analogies, metaphors, and circular speech among other things.

There may have been other things I was going to say... I'll type them up to share if they strike me. Do me a favor and post your thoughts on this wonderful update. Or IM me with them and your questions. Feel free to share this with involved parties who do not read my journal.



With love..... it was always love.. real and actual love for my friends..... How can a heart love others but not accept love consistently from those same people?
~*~



Quote of the Week
( Thank you Neopian Times )

"The spirit of happiness was gone within me, and everything I knew and loved and cared about was gone. My sanity ran away from me many, many months ago, and so did all the joy in my life."

5 lovers | just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 18 March :: 10.43pm
:: Mood: remorseful
:: Music: Mer's CD

and so says the robin

Since every day of darkness must have a ray of light (so says the little robin that does not stand outside my window) I will remember this:

Mr. Houchins had told the boys that their improvs were much too loud... so they decided to improv in the closet instead. You could hear them banging in there from across the room but not much music could be made out.

Finally I decided to open the door and see if there was room to hang in there and watch/listen. Well, I made room. Pressed against the door I couldn't help but smile as I looked around the small closet at all the instruments they had suspended and rearrangned.

The light is broken of course, so they were illuminated by a flashlight. But it was their music... each kid played whatever came to them.. straight from the heart. And it all fit in perfectly. It was the most fun I've had in a while. A very rare moment where I could enjoy listening to them... even when I was sharing it with a friend..



Leave a pyro to enjoy the fires. Pyro's get a 'thrill' out of them you know.

Damn the sinking island. It would make life so much easier.


Always with genuine love..
~*~

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 18 March :: 12.16am
:: Mood: pained
:: Music: Linkin Park

and the fire took control
Tell me, when do you know that you are being manipulated?

When would you realize it?

How would you realize it?

It took me many months and a great amount of pain and loneliness to assume it was manipulation last time.. but the situation was subtly different.

Hmmm.


I'm sorry.
To everyone and anyone.

*hugs to all*


With love...
~*~

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 15 March :: 10.02pm

....
I need to have some silence.

I need to think.

I need to see what is happening.

I need to write.

I need to sleep.


Things are weighing heavily on my mind....
Why?

Dive into the water and sink right to the bottom.

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 15 March :: 8.37pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Swing Swing ~All American Rejects ~Shelly's CD

Find a thread and pull. I'll get a broom.
It takes me a while to post here now. Things are down whenever I feel the urge to type...
And now I can't remember what I wanted to say.


I had it in my head to do a piece on dreams. People have told me that I've been in their dreams recently. Often have I analyzed dreams. I find it easy to at least suppose what things most likely mean. Does this mean perhaps, that I have touched these people recently?

There was also a piece on Mr. Hall.. but he can wait until I'm in the mood again.

I.. don't know what's wrong with me. I pay little attention to work.... and then I devote lengths of time to it. I plan to beg Mrs. Schilit to not kill my almost an A with a 0 on this essay. It's the marriage proposal essay... I simple fucking essay and I CAN NOT DO IT. I just can't. I don't know why.

Chemistry I brought up like.. 8 points. Fucking 77. I dazed over and doodled some of my very best abstract sketches that class.

I pray to God Power gave me those 2 points. And that Spanish is still an A. And that Hall didn't butcher me on that test/essay. I don't want to go to that class.

Hmmmm.

Yes.

Mmmhmmmmm.

Inner conflict. Outer conflict. Where is the resolutions?

I cannot trust something that is still up in the air.. Some things with wings are too wild to be held down long to a bind of hopes.
Not my hawk companion though.

On that note, trust has utterly left me again. I left the I-don't-trust-anyone-no-matter-who-you-are mood and now just don't trust the ones I don't really know. Hmm. Yeah.

Anything else.. Ah, I believe I'm writing another story tonight. You know, instead of the homework I swore I'd do and all that.


With love......
~*~



Question of the Day
( Wondering where these've been? I figured you people were to busy *cough*lazy*cough* to answer each and every one... so I'll just make some when I have a question or feel like it. : P )
When do you put yourself really out there to the world? Like.. when you have the worst of doubts but that damned hope has to keep pulling at you.. when do you let yourself step out and chance being killed? Risk getting hurt I guess?

just breathe


TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 15 March :: 7.37pm
:: Mood: im laughing due to a stupid rumor

I Miss You- Blink 182
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue
the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
we can live like Jack and Sally if we want
where you can always find me
we'll have Halloween on Christmas
and in the night we'll wish this never ends
we'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
and as I stared I counted
webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)

Don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)

Don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)

(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 14 March :: 1.29am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Shelly's CD

dazed hallucinations
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Coconut Jubjub' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!
( Mucho thanks to Atryeu!! )

Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Slorg' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!


So yeah, I'm really sick. I think the whole first time ever all-nighter just blew whatever I had left of an immune system. Besides the fact that I seem to have taken up the habit of not really eating dinner.... it's weird.


Yesterday was action packed! Blood Drive is always fun. Finally got me a shirt.
English... Mrs. Schilit went to the teacher's lounge and actually brought me a cup of tea and a cookie!! It was so sweet of her! I was literally dying.
Band... not happy I missed history. I still think I screwed up that chimes part. I hate using new and different instruments. They muffled so easily.... Really don't want to see the judge's sheets. We got straight 2s. But congrats to Amy who got a superior! Yay! And I so fixed that broken timpani...!

Did a few things before the basketball game. Then went to that. I really didn't want to go... planned out all the negative things that could happen.. wow it was bad.
But I went and it wasn't so bad.

Saw a lot of old teachers. Suprised they recognized me. Except Mrs. Burdin... I don't think she recognized me.
I saw... Molly, Brittany, Maria, Madison, Vanessa, Valera, Krista, Stephanie, Jonathan, and of course Lauren.
Mr. Myers recognized me without me even looking at him! Just walked by and he stopped me! It was cool..

So Lauren and I chatted with Krista, Vanessa, and Valeria for a while. It was pretty fun. Then I went up to Allison's to pick up Shelly and take her home since I promised I would. I was just dying.. wow.

Took her home and checked online. Chatted with some people over important stuff, did a few things, then got offline, took a shower, and collapsed in bed.


With love...
~*~

just breathe


TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 13 March :: 11.01am
:: Mood: Excited
:: Music: Shout-Tears for Fears

A Good day so far
Well, today at around one o'clock or two I am going to go to Gashes and get my belly button pierced. Then, Beth and I might go to the mall cause she needs to do some shopping. Then David is coming over tonight!!! YAY!!!! WHAT A GREAT DANDERIFIC DAY!!!!Well, I have to get going cause my mom, dad, and I are going to go out and eat breakfast then off to Gashes and the mall I go!!!! Bye for now!!!

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 9 March :: 10.08pm
:: Mood: sore on the inside
:: Music: bleep.. ..bleepbleep.. ....bleep.. ..bleepbleep.....

AHHHH THE IMS!!!!
Date: 3/3/04 10:43:52 PM Eastern Standard Time

This is what my nice stalker wrote me.. Wow..
I'm not putting up the dream he got this inspiration from. Nor my dream analysis and thoughts which'll be written somewhere else. MUAHAHA


If I see even a phrase of this taken any where I don't know about, I'll kill that person. ^^
He's quite protective of his work. And this is of me, for me. So hand's off!


Denver


Today, like yesterday and the day before it
I am once again contemplating my sins
I am sitting in the wet sand
My feet in the ocean's cool blue blood
Calm waves glide up the shore
Gently running along my body
The sand around my toes pulled away by receding waves
Letting my feet sink further into the beach's skin
Breaking waves followed by others
In a consistent pattern matching
The beat of the ocean's heart


MUAHAHAHAHA
..meep...

With love...
~*~

1 love | just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 8 March :: 11.28pm
:: Mood: oh, and add stressed to that list
:: Music: In Too Deep ~Sum 41

music speaks of secrets hidden in the soul
I want to find the lyrics to Sum 41's CD: All Killer No Filler, song: (9) Handle This

I think it describes something like how I feel.. maybe.


~Later

Yep, that does well to describe how I feel and how things are going I think. It sounds better with music.

*Points to comments*

THANKS AMANDA!!


With love..
~*~

2 lovers | just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 8 March :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: so very confused~ why must life be so complicated
:: Music: Something Corporate

Fair is Fair in Love and War... What more do you want from me?
Loved the benefit gala last night!!
Got snuck in the back and it was so much fun!
Hopefully more on that later..

Kaykay... here's the newest story. It's another rough draft. Haven't reread it once yet.

Again, if you read it: you must give reactions, comments, criticisms, views, opinions, etc.
( Reminders, you are not allowed to see already posted comments until you post your own. You hear me?? )

Sorry Amanda, no questions yet for the challenged. ^.~

Took a good several hours to write this.. much better than homework huh? Maybe.. 3? A good few hours.

Oh and let's see.. this piece was half request half going off of what was being discussed at the time. So as to the dedication of inspiration, you know who you are. Though I told you you probably won't like it. Ah well, it was in my head for a bit and the ending finally came to me this morning. That's the end of that.



The quest was simple: infiltrate the fortress. The goal was worthwhile: find the center, find the source; whatever you find you can keep. The risks were numerous but they only added to the thrill of the hunt.

Lining the fortress was only a mesh fence meant to keep out the lightest buffers of the world. It was there that the competition started. Men and women of all sorts signed their names to the wavers and took up positions. Each dressed to represent themselves and carried whatever they saw fit to defend themselves with.

There were a variety of army and military members, feeling their valor and training would allow them to breeze through this test. Adventurers ready for a thrill unrivaled joked with each other, guessing at the surprises the fortress must hold. Knights and the chivalrous common men stood quietly, impressed at the daunting problem ahead of them but ready to overcome whatever lie ahead.

The gun raised and the blast racketed through the air. With the signal, everyone present charged the keep, ripping down the first mesh barrier. When it came clear off the ground the whole area seemed to lurch, a silent cry. In a wave the people stormed over the next barrier, a simple chain fence, and jumped over the next two barbed-wire fences. The following towering wooden walls seemed scaleable and that’s just what the people did.

However this wooden wall was the first warning at what lie ahead. Once one sat at the top of it, they could see what obstacles were constructed between there and the actual beginning of the fortress. It was awe-inspiring, or for a great deal, fear inspiring. Now it was a great deal more difficult than they had anticipated. Several chose right there to slide back down the wall and return home. Others sat and deliberated. The rest plowed onward.

Bogs, hidden pits, obstacles, and dead ends were only a few of the warnings nature gave to the trespassers. Beyond that there were the walls. Never ending walls. These barriers took all shapes and forms. Some were easy to cross over, merely a line in the sand. Others were complicated signs that pointed all ways and no ways and left the searcher to use intuition or merely guess at where to turn. There were constant screams of surprise or fear or uselessness as the treasure seeking numbers dwindled, caught by nature’s protectiveness.

As the remaining members grew closer to the guarded tomb, new obstacles arose. Nature grew more violent, forming fences of rose thorns and ravines that seemed to stretch just out of reach. Also there were sounds. Before, the ground would simply lurch each time a seeker destroyed a wall or cut down a part of the natural defenses. Now in addition to that, heaving breathing haunted the men and few women remaining from behind every boulder or shadow. At dead ends, one of the knights was the first to encounter the horrific beast that caused the labored breathing.

It was a sudden attack, but the knight survived with a deep slash of his sword. The fallen creature let loose a howl while the blood pouring from its wound seemed to seep away into the very earth. More of these nightmarish creatures began to appear, taking down a number of the people. Blood seemed to be spilt everywhere and those that finally made it across to the single strip of green grass along the fortress walls were no exception. They were at least splashed with it, most covered.

The remaining looked carefully at each other, a few congratulating each other, the rest reflecting on what was ahead or those that were left behind. All were men. It seemed a surprising distribution of the original types: an equal number of adventurers, bounty hunters, knights, military oriented, and common men.

They turned to look at the outside wall. Each man was truly for himself now and each was deciding how to enter. One wandered to the actual iron-wrought gate but upon clearing it was instantly struck down with an arrow. The fortress would defend itself in many ways. Now it seemed obvious the invaders caused it pain and if they still dared to enter then they would have to force their way in.

A few scaled the wall. A few busted through the gate and deflected arrows. Half made it over the first wall. Within the court there were stars drawn in glowing paint on the tiles. Exactly the number as those that made it over the wall. Once all stood in a star, the arrows stopped and things quieted, giving them a chance to look around. It seemed like a game.

The fortress was overgrown and dilapidated, aged with much wear and tear. A painful feeling permeated the area and a few men shuddered. There was some foreboding sense that weighed heavily over all of them.

Slowly the men crept from their sacred stars, dashing into the ‘safety’ of the halls. It seemed a race against each other for the main prize, a race against time. The fortress though, would not make it easy on any of them. Many halls were dead ends. Most ended in an unfortunate surprise. However this inner area was where much more difficult of defenses was used.

Invisibility cloaked the passageways. Some walls held obvious passages that were so easily missed by the treasure-craved men. Other walls were completely unseen, meant to trap the unsuspecting deep within. Along with this however, there were also invisible doors. The lucky leaned against the cold stonewall for support, falling into a secret chamber at the next level.

Yet again there were screams that echoed through the narrow halls, but never faded. Perhaps it was the dying men’s pain that remained echoing in the fortress.. still there seemed to be much older screams of pain that had never faded.

At the heart of the keep, three men met each other, each coming from different directions and none unscathed. All were out of breath, bedraggled, and injured, splattered in the blood of even more dangerous nightmare-like creatures as well as their own. They eyed each other and then turned to the dull glow radiating from the single archway remaining.

They followed the glow into the next room and gaped. There at the center was a golden half sphere of light. It was opaque, completely impenetrable to human sight. All the men saw was the brilliant gold, seemingly solid throughout but glowing with a life of it’s own.

The knight, the bounty hunter, and the chivalrous man stepped forward slowly in wonder. The knight placed a light hand on the sphere; it was freezing to the touch. The bounty hunter surged forward and ran his hands strongly over the glimmering gold. It filled his eyes and he fumbled in his bag for a pick of sorts. The common man stood frozen for a moment, millions of thoughts running through his mind at what riches this could be and if there could be something underneath.

As soon as possible the bounty hunter was picking away at the sphere, trying to dislodge some gold or force his way into the true center. With each strike the room rattled and the foggy painful feeling grew. The knight knocked against the shield, one hand pulling out his sword. The third man moved to the opposite side of the two and knelt to the floor. He gently felt along the sphere’s chilling surface, maybe for a crack or a semblance of inner life. He felt it shudder as the two men violently tried to destroy the shield as they had the others.

But the chivalrous man knew that would not work this time. Something was inside and pain was not the answer to get it. He embraced the sphere of golden light caringly. Stroking it soothingly, the third man whispered sweet thoughts of a safe future for whatever lay ahead.

Slowly but surely the light faded then turned to crystal. With one more strike from the bounty hunter’s pick, the crystallized shield shattered and the true inside was shown. The bounty hunter scrambled for the crystal remnants that glittered like gold, but nothing so beautiful could be found in that dark dilapidated fortress. The knight looked over what was inside but saw nothing special, so he turned to gather up a few pieces of the former shield.

The hunter did not like this at all and vied with the knight for the sparkling pieces. They fought and it one guttering yell they impaled each other, spilling more blood in the already blood soaked room. The chivalrous man watched them in horror, repulsed that they had gotten so far only to throw it away over some shards. Instead he looked to what was not uncovered from within the light.

Eyes widened as he realized there were two things that were hidden. One was a pile of translucent red pieces... pieces of something long since broken. The other was a girl, a young girl who was completely devoid of emotion or light. She was dark and huddled over, resembling almost of the fortress itself.

The girl sat beside her broken heart, clutching her knees to her chest with eyes glazed over as they watched nothing and everything. Those eyes seemed to know the Truth, secrets never told. They could quite possibly have been able to bore right into a man’s soul if the girl was not so dead. However she was aware of nothing now. Out of defenses she had nothing to stop the world from attacking her.

The chivalrous common man went over to her broken heart first. He wrapped up the pieces with patient attention. Tucking it into his shirt, he moved to the girl. The man tried to lift her, careful of causing her any further pain. She went remained rigid, clutching her knees while her eyes reflected no light inside of her.

He hugged her closely, the treasure hidden within the fortress. Thinking of anything that might revive her inner light, he kissed her softly on the forehead, thinking back at all he had fought to overcome to find her.

With the kiss, the girl’s eyes fluttered and color seemed to slowly flow into her. Her body grew less rigid and she melted in the man’s arms. Still, life had not fully returned to her eyes.

The man began to leave the center of the fortress, trying to find his way back out to the light. However the second he stepped out of the innermost chamber, an arrow flew through the air and pierced him, directly hitting the bundle of broken pieces of the girl’s heart.

He gasped, not fully grasping what had happened. The chivalrous man fell forward to his knees, then collapsed sideways. Instantly the light dimmed in the girl. She would not face what had just happened. Tears streamed down her face though she wasn’t exactly crying.

The golden light grew from where she was and covered them both in a thin shield. It would grow denser in time.


The girl was lost in her own mind, in the labyrinth that was her fortress. No person would be able to get too near to her. For when they finally touch her soul, they will have no strength left to move on with her.

GAME OVER




No, you didn't get that far.

With love..
~*~

2 lovers | just breathe


TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 6 March :: 9.01pm
:: Mood: OK I guess
:: Music: Fawz and my dad annoying me with meaningless conversatiion

*sigh* Yet another day of complete and utter boredom. David came over yesterday and he's at an Opera today. I wish I could be there with him. I love operas and I love just being with him. I can't wait to get out of this house....My parents drive me fucking crazy with stupid conversation and then they fucking criticise everything I say. GRRRRRRRRRRROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sick of it!!!! I can't wait until
I move out and get as far away from here as possible. Then life would be so much better. I'm going to go now though that way I can put something together that David will like with song lyrics. Until I write again.

Susan

1 love | just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 5 March :: 11.52pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Mustard Plugs

I'm waiting for someone.. so I'll update a bit till they come..
Let me see..
Thank goodness it's Friday!!

Story ideas just float around in my head... I'll write them down if I can.

I really want to create something with pastels, crayons, or thick paints. Grrrr..!

Kyo's birthday was yesterday I think. He hasn't been on for weeks but I sent him a card.

Kai's been away too. I think it's stress from school.

The suicidal girl from before hasn't talked to me again yet. Her name came on and I IMed her twice but there was no reply.. Mph.

You know what else is fun? Being greeted online by a suicide note. Especially if it was sent a little while early while you were out.

Cass updated her journal for the first time in about 40 days. She wants to give up on life. Need to come up with an email to send to that.

Paint's randomly IMed me. He hasn't been around for a couple weeks. I will get the np he owes me.

Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Whee!' as an avatar on the NeoBoards
( Major thanks to warelin for this one! )

Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Gadgadsbogen!' as an avatar on the NeoBoards

Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Pick Your Own' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!


They're back!

With love..
~*~

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 2 March :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: lost

This is a rough rough draft of the story I wrote up in TOK yesterday when I should have been doing that worksheet. Such thoughts were in my head that I could not concentrate on anything.. however this story has been in my head for a long while.


Props are given to Amanda. The quote that brought about this story will be found eventually.... it's in your journal somewhere.

( Mind you all this is a rough draft of thoughts...... yeah.. )



The young couple smiled down at Andy, their three-year-old son, who was laughing happily as he glued the colored strips of paper together. The boy always enjoyed art and it must have run in the family since the house was full of acclaimed works created by the parents.

The telephone rang, an important call that drew the couple away from the room with one protective glance toward Andy. The boy turned a smile toward them, reaching for the glue as a ray of light filtered through the window. Something glimmered brightly, pulling Andy's eyes toward it.

A lone jar, more lke an ornate vase, sat on a pedestal in the adjacent room. The ray of light lit the jar so that it seemed to glow with an inner radience. Colored in a dark irredscence, the light swirled, allowing colors to shift and dance.

Naturally Andy was drawn to the beauty and mysticism of the vase, and he got up from his small seat and moved toward the vase. He became mesmerized, looking up at the bewitching colors, and could not help but reach out to it.

He pulled, and the jar came crashing down. Andy blinked, looking down at the shards, but more intently- at the moving threads of silver that twisted from the now open jar. Almost immediately after the jar had broken open, a shriek had permeated the house, neh the world.

To Andy however, the shriek was dull, a pale glowing light having enveloped the jar to a circumference of a few feet, including Andy in its defence. He bent down and tried to grab the silver threads- they slipped from his grasp. Andy watched them as one by one they slithered through the protective glowing sphere from the jar and entered the world.

Immediately there was a change. It was almost as if every disaster possible had hit. The television in the room flipped on and natural disaster, catastrophe, war, famine, death, everything was going on. The house itself crumbled and deteriorated- everything was being destroyed save Andy in the sphere of light.

Andy cried out, his scream of fear and confusion lost to the shriek and wail of the broken jar. He looked around the room until his eyes rested on the glue. He looked to his feet at the broken pieces. He could fix this. Just glue back the broken pieces then capture the threads that escaped and everything would be fine.

Bending down, Andy tried to gather the shards in his small arms. Though sharp, the cuts the shards caused did not bleed. The child picked up as many as he could, but it was never all of them. Picking up another, one he held would fall. Turning to the glue back on the table, he tried to make his way over to it with just the shards he could carry. The pieces would not be seperated.

Andy stood there wth pieces in his arms, staring down at what he could not hold, completely lost. Movement caught his eye and the boy looked up to see two figures pulling themselves into the delapitated room. They were old, sickly, deformed- but identifiable. The couple's eyes sighed with confirmation of what had occured and they reached for their son.

The three-year-old dropped the pieces of the jar he held and reached for his parents as far as the sphere would let him. The adults made it into the room and tried with all their energy to make it when two silver thtreads streamed into view. The two tried to dodge but the threads connected with each adult and they instantly fell to the floor, lifeless.

The boy collapsed to the ground, alone in the world as the television continued to relay news of death and destruction. He stared at the shards then tried vainly to piece them back together.

More light flashed and Andy hesitantly looked up from the irredescent pieces. Floating above him now, outside the sphere of wicked light, shone several silver threads. Threads meant just for him.


The Fears of the World can be summed up in one young family's Hope. In hiding the Fears they Hope never occur, Pandora's Box becomes the greatest Danger of All.



Yes, I know there are problems. I typed it up quickly. Not really speedily.. but without rereading. I dunno.... yeah... that's the basic point of that story I guess. And I think I'll change the boys name.. no points for figuring out the name's connection to some of the other thoughts in my head. : P


What do you all think ( of the rough draft )?


For Amanda and anyone else who needs some basic guidlines ( ^______^;;;;; ):

Does the name 'Andy' fit the story?
What did you feel or think when you read this story? Your impressions, likes, dislikes, etc.
What did you see in the story? Mentioned or not.
What do you think the threads are?
Comments? Criticisms?

1 love | just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 1 March :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: calm? apathetic? you tell me

Sketchy Update..
I AM SO PROUD OF LEAH FOR BREAKING UP WITH ERIC FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!
(And yes, it'll be for good)

Couple of chats with Tom. Always interesting.

Complicated problems.... oye.

Ummm... I get yelled at a lot I realize.... by a lot of the teachers.


My grades are not doing well......... I think the Weeks of Hell have contributed. And my lack of feeling well. And other things.

Today did not go well. Thank you Mr. Power.


I spent TOK being very literal.. I wrote a story that has been in my head for a while... and a poem... and some thoughts.. mmm.

For Amanda I will write the rough drafts here. Yepyep.

Apologies for the lack of posts.... I want to.... but when I sit down to write nothing comes out... but there is much in my mind I want to say.


Until the words come..

With love...
~*~


QOTD
What movie won Best Picture at the Oscars and also clean-sweeped it's nominations?
(Props to Lauren for info)

2 lovers | just breathe


TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 28 February :: 8.32pm
:: Mood: Ok, I guess considering I'm not Susan
:: Music: Fawz, Beth, and Susan

I'm Hungry, Feed me
I am starting the feed the David foundation, if you want to contribute to it, or I think Huungry, Hungry David sounds cooler...Hmmmm....thats a tuffy (just like the ad, lol). Susan, quit it...she is doing things to me while I am typing. Oh well, if you want to contribute to the organization, give me food or money...QUIT IT...she won't leave me alodsjgakl;lskgl;kdjglkjds;lkajgsdlkgjjjjjjjjjj...I can't type saj;dlk;jlgklad;jgkl;jsadgaskjldg;asdkl;gjalksjg...QUIT IT...
~David aka wolfinsheeps clothing

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 21 February :: 10.58pm
:: Mood: elated
:: Music: The melodies of Miles To Go and Jigsaw Jones and the Electric Cowboys

get out and spend the day watching friends give it all they've got to something they love
Saturday's concert
TBC

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 19 February :: 10.35pm
:: Mood: melting pot
:: Music: Cavanaugue Park ~Something Corporate

Some Things Never Do Change
Forget my school day, that's not important.

I actually went back to school this afternoon.. It was to see the art show!! Featured artists tonight were: Rae, Tessa, Aliya, and Arianne. All there work was amazing! *drools* I absolutley love Rae's work.... it's so personal and from the heart that I just connect with it.. I loved lots of the other pieces too! Tessa's abstract representations absorb the mind in thought. Aliya blew me away with her pieces, particularly that self-portrait. Arianne's abstract and textural tactics also absorb the mind, the colors were just awesome! Bravo to all of you!

Tom came too, that was cool. He met Amanda and Amalia and some of the artists (that one interpretation thing was hilarious...!!). The four of us talked outside for a bit before heading back to our cars. Tom was stupid like me and parked in the Main Lot so we talked for a bit before each heading home. Fun times.


My army friend actually made it online and IMed me!!

Bittersweet. Why do I care so much?! Not like I know him in real life..


[Him:] you should take better care of yourself
[Me:] should ((*note Lauren tactic = props*))
[Him:] yes you should
[Me:] I did put it [sleep] before work it was good for me!
[Him:] you need to sleep more
[Me:] not gonna happen
[Him:] i know, you don't have time
[Me:] exactly
[Me:] dont worry bout me
[Him:] i have to
[Me:] why?
[Him:] not sure
[Him:] i just do
[Me:] : )
[Me:] thanks
[Him:] anytime

With love..
~*~


QOTD
What kind/style of art do you enjoy/prefer?

just breathe


TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 20 February :: 5.03pm
:: Mood: happy

Everything Reminds Me of Everything
Everything reminds me of everything and everywhere I look,
I find these simple memories in the pieces of you that I took.
And every time I look around or hear your voice it draws me in,
It's been happening for so long now, I forgot how it even began.
I fall asleep with your image on my mind and I wake up just the same,
It would be so much easier if I could simply erase your name
From my memory and vocabulary and go back and change all the times
We spent together and every moment I wished you were mine.
Every word reminds me of something that you used to say,
Of course silence is all that I hear since I never begged you to stay.
Everything is everything and in the grand scheme of things I know
I should not have let you go - I should have begged you not to go.
I wander through these pictures scattered throughout my head,
Replacing you and hoping to find anothers instead,
But you're always there reminding me of everything we used to share,
Every word you say hurts me and it cuts me, how long till I stop to care.
Everything reminds me of everything, and anything of you,
And as much as I avoid it I think that I always knew.
You're dancing and laughing, smiles vivid in my head,
But there are parts of me still crying and still others that are dead.
Anything is everything in this life we hold so tight,
That we can't let go of anything without trying to make it right.
Everything reminds me of you and it echoes within my ears,
Of everything that you took away and how I should have spent those years.

just breathe


TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 20 February :: 4.49pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: David playing a video game

Do You Dream
The only thing that I dream of...is that you dream of me.
If you don't, the I already know, it may not be meant to be.
But I'll keep thinking that one day you will, and maybe one day I'll see,
That perhaps your dreams do wander and find their wy to me.
Of all the things I think of, I think the most of you,
And I wonder what you're wondering and if it could be true,
That as much as I think about you, you think about me too.
But for now I'll dream and revel, losing my thoughts on you.

I'm curious how far I should let you get into my heart
If we'll have a future, and if so how will it start?
Will drift together or slowly drift apart?
And I question if I have a place waiting in your heart.

Do I look for love in all the worng places-
Other guys from my past seem to leave only traces,
But as I close my eyes - you're there, there are no other faces
I remember days with you, spending hours in the most beautiful of places.
You're in my thoughts and I see that smile and your shining eyes,
It's no wonder I can't stop thinking about you, regardles of how I try.
And my thoughts and dreams lead me to where out future lies,
But that's too soon and I'm smart enough to know, but I can't forget you're eyes.
The way they squint and turn down at the sides when you find your smile
When I think about kissing you, but all I get denial.

I find myself hoping and dreaming that you're dreaming of me too,
But never the less I'll stay contented, in simply knowing that I've met you.

just breathe


TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 19 February :: 8.31am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: people talking and the typing of keys

Hello! I'm in U.S. History right now researching for a project. I'm doing Women's Sufferage and the current issue of Gay Marriage. I am for both but it's hard to find any articles that adcovate Gay Marriage. Most of them are anit-gay marriage. DAMN AMERICA!!! Now I remember why I am Anit-America. Anyway I better get going. I'll update later today.

2 lovers | just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 18 February :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: beyond mortal consciousness
:: Music: Classical Piece from the Patriot ~Katie's Dud

Fire is the Devil's only friend.
Intro's been censored... It was a bit apocolyptic.
: P

Oh.. *attaches more warning labels to this post*

Studied history for like.. 8 hours yesterday. Something's wrong with my ability to focus and comprehend and then remember and recall. Damn it.

Wallet stayed at home.. no ID. No Driver's Liscense. Go me.

Hmm.. problems in the morning. I'm stupid. Small fight with my sister.

Math.. helped Mr. Power fill out his course work sheets. It was really funny.

Spanish.. studied history. Got a quiz back. Went mildly okay..

TOK we colored. Didn't color what I wanted to color... but it was still relaxing. Listening to music helps and classical was very beneficial. Reminded me that I hate silence. Studied more history.

Chemistry was all notes. Reviewed more history. Something unsettling pervaded the air.

Bell rang and I moved off to Hall's room. Not the first test I've taken with him so I know.. he hates people being late.
IDs? 6. I knew somewhat? 3. Screwed? Looks like it.
MC? Estimated guess? Missed at least 10. Screwed? Easily.
Essay? Compare and contrasts the origin, develpement, and influences of the Populist and Progressive reform movents. Want to tell me it's easy? I'll probably slap you with words like I did to other people. I'm so stupid I didn't even know the Populist movement. What was I studying?!? Screwed? Beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Let's see.. then what was next? Ran to Walgreens to pick up food/drinks for the kids, ran home, ran out to volunteer. We were running late naturally, since we tried desperately to find something edible on the run in the house.

I walk in to the center and what's the first thing I see? Edgar reading. I was overjoyed for him yes, but it was a blow. It hurt... that I couldn't get him to that.. but Ale's book could. He wouldn't say hi to me either. Played that off. New teen girl was there, I'll say it pissed me off. Majorly. Well, there weren't many kids so I did absolutely. All I could think about was the 1000 word essay and the waste of time and the stress. There was a bit of helping with Erica. Not happy with how she's helped most of the time. The rest of this analysis is moved.

I apologize Krystle, for whatever you'd like an apology for. I wasn't mad at you yesterday. But I have to say, in the chats we've had recently after the wednesdays, you have been attacking me.
Probably my fault anyway though, sorry.

Finally on the way home and there's a fight with my sister over a volunteering incident.

I pull down the 2nd long street in my neighborhood and slow down, eyes straining to focus on something in the middle of the road. The two beams of my headlights barely converge in the middle and thus the object is still obscured in shadows. My first instict is the cone those people usually put out to slow cars down for their bratty kids who remain playing in the street. But the object seems twisted somehow.. bent out of shape and lying oddly, not how I'd expect a cone to be. My immediate next thought is a human being. Dear God did someone get hit here in my neighborhood and left in the middle of the road?? I slow the car down quickly, breathing heavy but my sister notices nothing. Steering to the far right side of the road, I come up on the object. When the lights finally bring the object from obscure to brilliantly clear I see a flash of an image: a man lying parallel to the sides of the road, arm outstretched with head resting on it. The car comes to a stop and my mind freezes before my eyes can focus again on what the lights are shining on. Now I see it is just the cone, hit by a car to land in a weird position. Such a lovely scare to end the night.


But the night was not over.

Kyo was online. He didn't IM me last time so I IMed him. If you saw the chat you'll know why I was in the mood I was in. It was up here... but it's down now.

Chatted with Tom tonight also. Some topics came up and still the night was stretched out.

Was there another important chat tonight? Probably. Usually is.

I finally got to start the 1000 words. Typed about 150 before I nearly collapsed. Printed that out and went to bed. Wrote the rest in math the next morning.

Isn't life grand?

With love..
~*~


QOTD
Does driving scare you?

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 17 February :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: dark
:: Music: Mer's Mix CD

Unearthing the past... But how long is past? I've lost Yesterday.. then is Tomorrow lost too?
This is wednesday and I can't remember what happened yesterday. How sad is that? I know it was bad..

I remember sunday I went and saw The Return of the King. It was long but very awesome! And Gollum was scary!!! o_O Tom came down and accompanied me, we laughed a lot.

Oh! Right! The first day back.
Well, following the current tradition of absolutely horrid days back... tuesday was fun.

Let's see...
Ever been with a group of friends and look at them and see this smile.. like they know something. Like all of them know the same thing, shared the same fun experience.. and you stand there completely lost because there was no decency to clue you in on what you missed even though you know that if you were told everything it still wouldn't be the same. (Somehow that entire blurb is a question without a question mark.. yep.) Well that was morning. Forever scarred from Friday. Add it to the list of deprivation.

Math class... took the make-up test. It was.. okay. Dunno, almost left the last problem completely blank.. but then tried harder on it and I may have gotten it.. Damn I didn't need to do poorly on that test.

Shilit's.. got yelled at for something.. oh needing to take the vocab quiz. Then about drifting asleep during her Scarlet Letter talking while others were already asleep.

One good thing happened between here and Hall's. Talked to someone and I was SO happy. Then walked into Hall's and he spoke to me so... gruffly? However it was it was upsetting and I just nose dived in my mind. That's what you saw Amanda. And.. when Hall raised his voice at the class through the rest of the period I kinda cowered. Not a good sign huh? My sister already fears loud noises and now I can't handle them much either. Well.. loud voices at least.
Not looking forward to that test/essay either.

Band.. the lazy class right? Still haven't even looked at the stuff I'm supposed to play for that quiz......
So we're setting up to play the music for the concert and for like the past 3 classes Leah and I have been working mainly on the duet.. so I couldn't remember any of it. Played it through a bit before he started.. but hadn't actually learned it.
Have I mentioned that I play mallets on 2 of the 4 songs and play in 3 of the 4? Have I mentioned that I'm the only one in Wind Symphony who plays mallets in any of the songs? NO ONE else plays mallets. He thinks I'm good? Or he thinks mallets are for females to play?
Well, couldn't really play the pieces.. so he's like.. yelling but not. You all know those quite and calm yells. Criticizing without naming and listing those who can play it and those who can't. And threatening that those who can't won't play in the concert. That'd be where the comments of 'This is the best you can do??' and 'How sad of a player would you have to be to not be able to play this simplistic music?!'

That would be the final switch in turning dark. Apologies to Krystle, Anderson, and Meredith for my reactions. It was nothing against them.. just myself. Needless to say, I can play the pieces now. But this day was just totally horrid.

Can't remember... probably got yelled at when I came home too.

With love..
~*~


Question of the Day
I've lost Yesterday.. then is Tomorrow lost too?

just breathe


TheGirlWhoHasNoDreams

:: 2004 15 February :: 9.41pm
:: Mood: very happy and loved

Thoughts....Just Thoughts
I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about people I miss. Ok, well, it's really about one person that I miss. Ben. No, I don't long for him anymore, but I do wonder how he is doing. I never hear from him anymore so I'm pretty much clueless on how things are with him. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to hope that one day I'll get a call or e-mail or letter or something from him letting me know how things are going. I hate being so busy and losing contact with people. Especially people I care about. Well, I have to get going. maybe I'll post later.

4 lovers | just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 14 February :: 7.12pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: my sister practicing piano

No_Ones_Here
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Valentine Chia' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!

(atryeu has given you Fuzzie)

(warelin has given you Bear)


Ummm... slept till 2. Made myself stay in bed that long. Didn't talk to them.

Got screamed at again.. had to leave the room. Won't let them touch me. Won't eat the food they bring me. Ignore their bribes.

They've yet to ask me what's wrong. Smart move isn't it?

Debating on going out or not... The beach does sound like a nice get away. And Kai and Kyo wanted something of the ocean for their gifts.

All for now.

With love..
~*~


QOTD
How has your Valentine's gone?

1 love | just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 13 February :: 6.31pm
:: Mood: you don't want to know
:: Music: Wammi! (Kyu's CD)

Mind Over Matter
Warning!: Much venting may be found here. Read at your discretion.

Another run down of events? Yes?

Wednesday... yeah, it was my fault again. I was semi freaking out over where Katie was... got home and am like, "So when was I told she had pinao?" Got yelled at for not knowing since I was finishing a conversation on the phone. So yeah, once again that was my fault... naturally.
Volunteering... didn't go too well again. I'm gonna have to forget friendships and things and do what I feel is right for the kids..... just be sure to slap me when I fuck up and can't handle change/loss of control/whatever else is wrong. But hopefully when I handle this stuff friendships and things won't change.... last thing I need.

Yes, yesterday I didn't go to school. Lauren convinced me it was the right thing. I spent all wednesday night after volunteering studying.. then at 2 I'm like 'crap.. I didn't fill out the roses yet.' Naturally there were problems with that.. so I spent an hour on that, finished getting ready for bed, and went to bed. I thought about it... and could not recall anything from history. That meant if I went tomorrow I'd be BEYOND screwed. Well, throughtout that day I'd noticed my head particularly not doing well. It felt like jelly. Oo So maybe not having a decent lunch (wow that's new) and not having dinner contributed to my feeling like vomitting and all that. I was shaking, etc.. possibly mentally induced since I knew I'd have to fight to stay home thursday morning.
Well the morning came and I rolled over and said I didn't feel well, etc. Low and behold he pulls the covers off and gets me up. I ate half the bowl of cereal then just rolled into fetal position. I was sick of all the freaking crap going on. Finally he got the message and let me go back upstairs. I slept till 3:30 when mom and Katie came in. Got up and had some bread and jelly. Went upstairs and finally came on the computer. What did I get to do? Deal with about a dozen things. Kai-chan isn't happy with me.. sort of. Big surprise there. Kyo..... I don't know if something is up or if it's all in my head and I'm making a freaking huge deal out of nothing... but it's really hurting. Gut tells me something's up.
Well... this'll be where dad comes in after I reminded mom about the plans I had friday afternoon (she was an avid no also, just because she can say no). He was near livid.. sort of. Said absolutely not. They have no idea what they're stopping me from doing. He was mad... but kept telling me he wasn't. I'm just like, "Stop lying to me. I know you're mad." So yeah. I was just beside myself. And stayed up till like.. 1 again because I had no reason to get better.

Figured out he was mad because I was too sick to go to school thursday but 'miraculously' better friday to go out. But they said they were fine with me going with them.. believed I wasn't contagious or anything, which I wasn't.

Friday would be today. Friday the 13th. On the way downstairs for the car I looked out the window and it was completely foggy. Solitary. We were in a cloud. Completely isolated. It felt sorta like me.
I was afraid about the roses... sent the lucky number of 13. Yes, I like to jinx myself for extra comfort. But I actually got 6! I was so stunned. And... I'm sorry to those I didn't get a rose for this year. I couldn't spend that much and had candy... but didn't get to giving it out. -.-;; Don't take it as anything.
Hmm.. completely failed that math test... Like.. I never thought I'd do that bad. SO better be able to make it up with the second half. Got to meet Seniora Myers. She is a very nice woman. Saw the end of Like Water for Chocolate in spanish. That was too funny. TOK was evil. I've a freaking 80. And the class was completely worthless. Chem... was heartbreaking. Hmm.. failed a couple more tests. I've a 71 in the class. How sad is that? Not good AT ALL. -.- Damn.
Lunch was pretty okay... Got my 6th rose there.
I went out to the parkinglot with some of them... and I stood there while they got in a car together... and just smiled, wishing them a good weekend and happy valentines, telling them to have fun, and returning the 'love you's. Then walked with someone to their car, got a very touching thank you, then went to my car to sit and stare. I was... mmm.
So I get home and grab a snack and sit and watch Xena for half an hour when mom and Katie come home. Thought they were supposed to be at piano... First things I hear: (Mom:) 'KRISTEN?!?!!!' (Katie:) 'You're in trouble...' Turns out I was supposed to drive Katie home. Like I knew that after the plans were for me going out. So yeah, I opted out of getting screamed at again and after having to call dad to tell him I'd been home for the past half hour, I went upstairs, grabbed Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz which I'd been saving for a similar kind of situation, shut myself in the back room, and yeah.

So hear I am..... They've no idea what they took away today.
I'm not planning on really eating. Nothing really new but yeah. And I won't talk to them fully. Or go downstairs and open whatever gift it is dad was given. Mom came in with a valentine's gift. I really don't care.

Mind over matter. If I believe I'll get better than I will. If I believe it'll never end then it won't go away so easily. Mental health breaks are a necessity. Everyone else's parents understand this...

With love..
~*~


Question of the Day
What's Valentine's Day mean for you?

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 7 February :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: amused

lalala
I was gonna post yesterday... I was... but aol froze and I just gave up.

WE GOT A SUPERIOR!!!!!!
YAY!!!!

We played well I think... I messed up once or twice but that's alright.. Leah did amazing! She switched from playing on the marimba like we were supposed to, to coping with the vibes. Muy impresionante.

It really was an easy piece though... I'm so stupid to not have put it together quicker. Never really tried or focused or anything.. -.-

Lauren came with Leah to watch us! And Tom came like.. 2 minutes before we played! Second time I've met him but we've chatted online a bit recently.

I hope Jenn did well on her solo. And I hope everyone else does a superior job on their performances tomorrow!!

I'm soooo exhausted. Off to bed! -.- Can't stay up any longer.



2/7/04
I was up at 5 AM. Left the house at 6 AM. Bus came around 7 AM. MAO rode to Miami and ate at McDonald's. Wasn't in the group tournament since I drew straws with the sophomore and she got the shorter one. Sorta wish I was though.. since rumor has it they didn't score anything. So it was just me and Power for an hour and a half. Yep. It was weird.

So I was looking around as we sat in the courtyard and everyone else had math books and sheets and stuff and were reviewing and I felt bad.. so I'm like, "Mr. Power! Run through everything in pre-calc! Ready, go!" He looked at me funny.. then actually started a run down of things! It was really funny. There's a lot of things I lost to short term memory... well, the specific things.

So next was individual and the 5 of us in pre-calc went off to an empty room and sorta talked for a bit... It was really funny since it was kind of like a friendly relationship.. but they knew I was a junior.. but I wasn't really being all evil to underclassmen like I usually am..

Well, I didn't know the scoring system. Thought 1 right and 1 wrong equalled 0 points. But really you times each right one by 4. So I got 11 points. I'm going to find out how many points I would've gotten on the other ones I had ideas about but weren't sure enough to risk cancelling out a right answer.

Lunch with Kim and Susan was fun. We ate at an asian buffet and met a nice vietnamese family. Then wandered to the library and played on the computer. Susan had a nice site. Gotta try and remember that link. And gotta get my own site up... yeah..

Ride back we got to watch the last half of LOTR 1. That was fun. Rode with Kim and Susan, they're great fun. Hmm.. group picture then home around 6ish. Yes, that is 12 hours dedicated to math. : P!!!

With love...
~*~


Question of the Day
Would you dedicate 12 hours to math?? (Not doing math the whole time that is..)

just breathe


SeraphimRhapsody

:: 2004 3 February :: 7.15pm
:: Mood: screw it all eh?

avatars can distract me for a while
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'SDB Pack Rat' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!

One of my very favorites. It is so me! W0000T!


Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Jhudora's Cloud' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!

Level 20... whew!



And from a week or so ago:

Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Illusen's Glade' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!


More Neo problems... paint threatens to quit. Owes me a nerkmid worth about 90K. I will make him repay me.

And I know you all care about that.


Probably more later as I procrastinate the english World Lit stuff...



1/4/04

Yes, well since yesterday's post was just so damn happy I decided to post today on it too.


Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Evil Jhudora' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!

Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Helpful Zafara' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!


My drill sergeant friend left early this morning for Iraq. It's the first time anyone anywhere close to me is heading off to be in the war effort. It was always a fear of mine.

Last night's chat... was somber to say the least. Ever have it where at those pivotal moments.. you just can't stay awake/online any longer? I had to get some sleep. But after I said that... I couldn't leave. I don't like goodbyes. And I don't like people leaving me. He was finally just like.. go on and get some sleep sweetheart. Just stared at the IM and couldn't stop my thoughts. It was a short night I guess I could say.

Today.. it was on my mind all day. How else should I take this?


Fucking hell.


School is tiring. Looking at how badly you screwed up on the math exam isn't fun. Getting a freaking 90 on the easiest test ever is very upsetting. However a 100 on an english vocab is impressive.. eh. A commentary on nothing is wearing.

I think I can play my duet part now. However Lerner is a freaking jerk and wouldn't hear us.. however he heard someone who plays on saturday.

Still need to find a way a home friday.. can't go out with them and enjoy what little friday I wouldve had.

If we don't get a superior I'll entirely blame myself. Who else's fault would it be?


Spending time with someone new.. sorta. I like his company on the friend basis. A bit surprised but only cause I wouldn't consider or admit it before.


Volunteering didn't go well............

Sometimes it's the best thing I have.. actually feel needed and wanted and important and special.... others times I feel like crap and that it's quite pointless for me to be there. Today would be worse than usual. So many things... and I was surprisingly doing okay before it given the things on my mind.

Danny is going to get it tomorrow.... mad beyond belief.

Sorry Krystle.

There're complexities even I haven't realized yet. But mph.



You know.. I would think sometimes that I'm too open with people.. that they know me too well. I'm so freaking screwed.


Now I get to go write my army friend an email for when he gets to his office.


With love..........
~*~


qotd
Do you often keep people guessing on things? Prefer the ambiguty or playing hard to get?



Oh shoot.. forgot I had 9 thin mint cookies for lunch, sbarro for a snack, and no dinner. Darn. Forget it.

just breathe

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