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allyson
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2011 12 November :: 11.12pm
I decided yesterday that I was going to start writing in here everyday. Just to keep a journal and record of even the most boring things I do.
Today started out with callie waking up at around 730.norther jared out I was ready to get out of bed so we put her in bed with us and she confined to talk to her self quietly while I laid next her her with eyes closed for 15 more minutes. I finally got up and brought her downstairs. Gave her some milk and changed her while we waited for sister to wake up.autumn of course wanted mama cereal and the baby had an egg and some sweet potato puffs. Daddy wakes up at around 930. He goes to the store and takes callie with him. They pick up pictures at walmart and go to meijer. while they are gone autumn and I do some glitter crafts and play out side.it was so nice out today.sunny and warm...especially in the sun. We had lunch and then just putted around while jared put up the new and kitchen light. By that time it was almost dinner time. So I heated the oven and baked some chicken and potatoes and autumn and I made some chocolate chip cookies too. Speaking of...I'm hungry.... I'm going to go eat...
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spud
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2011 11 November :: 9.17pm
Three man and...
Ice.
Luge.
5 commentscommentses |
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allyson
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2011 10 November :: 11.55pm
My whole life there has only been one thing Ive known I have always wanted. To feel beautiful. And still to this day I have yet to feel that way.
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phil-himself
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2011 9 November :: 6.27pm
I think I lost my fuckin headache.
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tuwang
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2011 9 November :: 4.09pm
Started redoing the resume I lost when my old lappy blew up. It's been a pain in the ass recalling some of the information I had but hopefully it shouldn't be too much longer and I'll be able to get my foot in the door somewhere.
Not sure where to start but D.C. is apparently where it's at for my field so... good luck to me I guess.
1 comments |
comment damnit.
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valoth
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2011 7 November :: 1.56am
I think its happened. Ive clicked. Im over it. Its weird.
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moomoo
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2011 5 November :: 9.27am
Dear Woohu, BOYS FUCKING SUCK! I guess some things wiill never change no matter how old you get.
1 comments |
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phil-himself
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2011 3 November :: 8.21am
in the now
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valoth
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2011 31 October :: 4.17am
Im not being mean when you talk about your plan for college. Im being realistic.
Common problem 4yr plan students face:
-money(loans or cash for needs during student years)
-finishing on time
-finishing with leads to jobs
Common needs:
-job(part time/summer/seasonal)
-money(loans or other finance)
You cant just brush that off. You cant tell me no, because your successful. Successful people might finish on time sure, but are you saying everyone Ive known is not? You dont really get to declare that. lol Thats unfair and pompous.
You dont even know what your planning to go for. How can you finish on time if youve not decided anything? What if youve already missed classes that file under things to make it out on time? Cmon now.
Oiy. You had me so happy earlier. Now you leave me on sour notes.
Just like Rachel. I dont like where this path leads. Need a better fork in the road.
1 comments |
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phil-himself
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2011 28 October :: 11.30am
yeah you're life's hard, tough shit, there's 7 billion people in this world and you think your issues are tough
first world problems
2 commentscommentses |
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valoth
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2011 28 October :: 12.53am
:: Mood: depressed
Cope
Im trying so hard not to dip into the sea of depression again right at this moment.
Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad?
Do you know how hard it is to have everyone who knows what you want say its not worth your time? How you should just drop it now?
Do you know how hard is it when this is the second time around on this journey? The names and faces may have changed. The emotions are still ready to grieve.
I have the next 3 days off to dwell on this. 3 days to sit in the shower and sulk. 3 days with no plans. 3 days.
I need an outlet. I need a better one that is. I need someone to talk to. I dont have the person I trust and can voice my concerns to.
Oh wait. That persons the person whos causing me half my trouble.
The other option is now on disconnect because of a better situation.
I need medication. I need consultation. I need someone. Im prideful, but not so prideful that Ill let myself not admit to these facts. I just cant get myself to take the steps alone. It kills me that much more that I can openly reflect to myself on these situations. My innermost monologue is like a pet owner with a rolled up newpaper slapping me over the head as if Im puppy whos just done something wrong.
Im like that satalite a month back that was supposed to come crashing down to earth. No one knows my path or where Ill land. Ill skid off the atmosphere a few times and build into a fireball. Evaporate over a radius thats big and leave no traces once Ive landed. Ill sink into the ocean never to be needed again.
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valoth
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2011 27 October :: 12.29am
A horse is not a home
"Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!"
William S. Gilbert
Being sick is really annoying. My nose is raw now from tissue usage. My head feels like is ready to explode most times. The body ache sucks . I cant wait until the coughing kicks in...
To top it all off Ive been running into fits of this ache inside my chest for the past couple days. 10-30min of having the feeling of someones hands inside my chest just squeezing body parts. Im not good with anatomy but Id venture a guess and say kidney's. If not that then the liver. Just feels like hands are in there twisting them. I should see a doctor but I think I caused the problem with the meds I got hopped up on to try and get it under control once I started feeling sick. Popped a lot of cold/congestion stuff, zrytec, and some avil/ibprophane for headaches from sinus pressure.
Hope it passes.
Moving right along I seriously wonder how much longer I can stand being alone. Companionship is a necessity in the human life I think. Someone who can find a fulfilling life without it I applaud you. Im a lesser man who needs that person. I need someone to push me, challenge me, love me, and share things with. Daily. Nightly. The longer, more frequent, I come across these situations like with 'her' right now the more and more Im sure of what I want in a relationship. Which makes me that much harder to be with.
Im already not a super social person. This blows.
I should have been born in a different place at a different time. Im not meant for this age. I stroll through life hating myself with this current time. Modern convenience destroys me.
Love unrequited is love that harder for one and avoided by another.
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allyson
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2011 27 October :: 12.07am
Wow it's been long. I have a few posts about Callie Mae... but I just wrote them.. like with a paper and pencil! OMG! haha Anyways. She's a whole year old. I've missed... a lot lately. I've been so sick. No one understands how I feel. But I thought of it today. Imagine have the flu, yes the diarrhea upset stomach achey tired flu... for 9 weeks straight. That's how I felt and still feel. It's very hard for me to do anything without having to run to the bathroom. Recently I've had an upset stomach that comes and goes and has made me lose my appetite. So much that.. I'm down to 89 lbs. I'm 5'4 and 89 lbs.. I look.. horrible. I feel horrible. I feel like a horrible parent. I can't do things with my kids. I missed autumn's first day of school, I haven't been able to go for walks all summer or go to the park, Autumn's halloween party is tomorrow, as well as dr appointment and "family" pictures that I won't be attending are friday, I did however make it through autumn's birthday and Callie's without too many episodes. I didn't feel good.. but I made it through. Callie has started walking from the couch to the table and to the wall willingly... but won't walk any further even though she can. (she walked 22+ steps the other night). She still have beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes... she loves her sister and her daddy.. and even me too!
Ugh, I can't believe I missed so much. I just have to take each day.. one step at a time. I can't believe I've been sick so long.. with no answers. Hopefully soon.
Prayers are needed.
1 comments |
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valoth
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2011 23 October :: 7.40pm
All Hallows Eve
I miss the old version of Halloween. Everyone these days seems to be obsessed with the gore, guts, and violence version of the holiday thats starting to form.
Remember when it was about outfits from the colonial era and stories that scared you because they played on original fears? Fears of the unknown the unexplained. The emblematic stories!
Stories of creatures that went bump in the night. Werewolves, vampires, and headless horsemen. Creatures that were able to take victims then disappear into the shadows they came from.
These days all I hear and see is zombies and godlike killers like that of Jason. Its all about how much blood will spew from a wound, how many people they can kill, or how much guts they can show.
It all seems Psychotic murderers and stories of undead walking the earth.
Zombies are dumb. The idea of an apocalypse revolving around them is even more stupid. People who like them are stupid. Common sense alone would suggest that something thats dead doesnt make sense roaming around. The only case of undead walking is Jesus, and he didnt go around eating people now did he?
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valoth
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2011 23 October :: 1.34am
I think I got across to her today. She might understand things now, even if it was only a few brief statements. That might be wishful thinking, but lets hope not.
Might go hang out with her soon.
She might show up for Thanksgiving still. Sounds like she was planning on that already, regardless of what she wont acknowledge or requite.
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