Turtle and Bunny.

4 commentscommentses | comment damnit.

rayray

:: 2011 3 March :: 11.44pm

They say time heals all wounds..
... I am having a hard time believing that time heals all wounds, at least in this situation.

I may seem dramatic, petty, or immature. Some may think I over analyze every situation, just to find the bad in something. But honestly, in this situation, I don't have to look for the negative. It seems to present itself just fine. I didn't ask to be part of this. I didn't ask for an alcohol dependent mother, who uses her addictions to alcohol, cigarettes, weed, and sex, as excuses for how she "copes" with her miserable life. I didn't ask for a mother who chooses favorites when it comes to not only her children, but her grandchildren. Or a mother who stops talking to me when I mention her coming to visit me and my daughter at my house. A mother who blames everyone but herself for her miserable life.

Whether she realizes it or not, she treats me like shit. Like a mistake she'd rather sweep under the rug. I know she loves me, and that she does care, but she has a shitty way of showing it to me.

For years I blamed myself, lost sleep, shed way too many tears, and worried way too much. Blamed myself for her addiction. Even though I now know it wasn't my fault. Never was. Never will be. I lost sleep waiting up at night, constantly looking out my bedroom window just to make sure she made it home safe from the bar. Shed way too many tears because that is the only way I knew how to deal with the stress I put myself under worrying about her. And I worried way too much wondering where she was, or who she was with, or when she'd finally make it home. Those are not things a teenager should have to deal with or worry about.

I saw a different guy after another come into my home, and leave. There were only a couple that stuck around. When she was on again with Jim, the guys weren't so frequent. In fact, they had even stopped... 'til Joe came along. Then for awhile it was just Joe, then it was Joe and Jim, and then it was just Jim. And unfortunately, it was just Jim for awhile. She didn't come to school functions because she had to go to the BAR to watch him perform in his BAND. Seriously? You ditched your daughters school function, something that you can't get back, to watch your alcoholic boyfriend pretend to be a rockstar? Fucking perfect. Sadly, that was the story of my life through high school. In fact, I remember begging her to come to a spring concert, and I even tried to bribe her. Didn't work. Her response was, "Why do I have to go? I've already heard you guys play." That was also her same response to me asking her to go to band competitions, or home football games to watch the halftime shows. Except she'd throw in, "I can sit on the porch and listen to you guys play. And I don't even have to get out of my pj's and I can smoke and drink my beer." Again, seriously?

I knew disappointment all too well.

I am very grateful for my dad. He missed 1 volleyball game (because he was called into work), and missed one, maybe 2 band performances. He didn't care if it was all the same. He wasn't there for the music, or the sport. He was there to support ME, his daughter. Who he loves unconditionally. It wasn't because I was daddy's little girl, or because I begged and pleaded for him to go. I will admit, that him and I do not have the most perfect relationship. It's almost awkward, and he was way too easy on me. I could have gotten away with murder, and I'd still be an angel in his eyes.

Anyway, back to the point.

After graduation, I was extremely unhappy. But I was too scared to do anything about it. I didn't know how to change my life for ME. I was still being controlled by my mother. I was constantly fighting with Jim. And after having anxiety attacks after fights we would have, I knew something had to change. In the meantime, I got mixed up with a guy I met at work. He was 17 years older than me. Not attractive, but he showed interest in me. He said all the right things, and I thought I was in love. When I was with him, I didn't think about my mom, Jim, or any of that mess. Even though that relationship wasn't healthy on so many levels, and he controlled me, he gave me the strength and courage to stand up for myself. I needed to do something, not in a couple of days, weeks or months, but right NOW. While I was at his house one day, I was bombarded by phone calls by my mother, telling me I HAD to get home right NOW, and do dishes before she got home from work, I had to earn my keep. Even though I had not been home in close to a week. On the way home, I made arrangements to move out... 2 days later. I was excited for this change in my life. I didn't want to hurt my moms feelings, so I sent her an e-mail. Telling her that I was done fighting, and I wasn't going to make her choose between Jim or I. I had made that decision for her, because I already knew what her decision was going to be. I was done being hurt, disappointed, and being shoved out of my own house by someone I would NEVER consider family. And I needed a different environment. One where I felt safe, and had called home for the last couple of years, even though I didn't live there. She hadn't said anything to me about the e-mail, so I sent it again, and she still hadn't responded, so I printed it, put it in an envelope, and put it on the shelf in the bathroom before I left for work. I wanted to make sure she had gotten it. She was furious. She tried to talk me out of moving. But I wasn't going to change my mind. She called me on my cell phone, from the house phone, WHEN WE WERE IN THE SAME HOUSE, begging me to stay. She told me she was going to kick Jim out so I would stay. I knew that if I had told her I would stay, she wouldn't make him leave. She'd just tell me things would be different. Needless to say, after work the next morning, I came home to load up all my things, and she was still there. She packed the majority of Jim's things, and was kicking him out. But, I was still not going to change my mind. I didn't just need him out of the house. I needed him out of our lives, if I wanted any kind of relationship with my mom. Or so I thought. Since then, things have only worsened.

She REFUSES to come to my house. She's ALWAYS asking me to come to her house. When I tell her I am busy, she stops talking to me. When I mention her coming to my house, she doesn't respond, and won't talk to me until she asks me to come over again.

I am sick and tired of being the only one to make the effort. She has been to my house so many times that I can count them on 1 hand. I haven't lived with her in 5 and a half years.

Onto what hurts the most..

March 7, 2010.. A day that was one of the happiest days of my life. I found out I was pregnant. I was happy to tell my sister, my dad, and my brother. I knew I would get judgement from my brother, and I knew my sister would ask a million questions. Face it, thats her nature. She's extremely inquisitive. I was scared to tell my mom, and I had every right to be scared. If it weren't for my sister, I probably wouldn't have told her at all. I would have just let her figure it out, or hear it from someone else. Would have been easier that way. Instead, I heard every ounce of disappointment, and judgement she had to offer. There is nothing worse than telling your mother you are pregnant, and getting a giant sigh of disappointment followed by a hesitated "I still love you." Never in my life, have I felt so hurt, or betrayed in my life. I felt like my heart had just been ripped from my chest.

I'd be lying if that was the end of it..

A couple days after her processing the thought of me creating life, and being a mother, she decides to call me. And tell me that she's worried about me, and that I should have been using protection, so that I didn't have an unplanned child. Wait, it gets better.. She follows that up with, "I just have this feeling that Mike is going to leave you, or force you into an abortion." Are you fucking kidding me? Right then, I lost all hope that she'd ever come to terms with me being a mother, and be happy with me.

Unfortunately, she continues to bombard me with hurt..

By the end of that week, my sister announces she is pregnant. And my mother was so unbelievably happy for my sister and her husband. She couldn't wait to tell the world. And she did a great job of telling everyone she was so excited to have 2 grandbabies at the same time. She had so much excitement for my sister, that she let it overflow in to excitement for me, when really she still had judgement.

It was going great for awhile..

She showed up at the hospital when I was about to deliver. I didn't want her in the room, and she knew it. I knew that she was going to start in on me the moment she got there.. And I should have placed bets on Facebook, because I'd be fucking LOADED! As soon as she walked in the room, she started nagging me telling me I was going to hyperventilate if I didn't calm down. Really? I thought I was doing just fine for being in LABOR for the first time in my entire life. She only stayed at the hospital for maybe 2 hours after Reagan was born.

And she continues to find ways to hurt me, and get under my skin..

I sent her a picture text of Reagan. I was hoping for a response, at least saying "give her kisses from Grandma. Tell her I love her." But I got NOTHING. A day later, and still NOTHING. But she posts two links to 2 pictures of my nephews, that my sister had posted.. I don't even feel disappointed anymore. I feel like she is punishing Reagan for being mad at me. And that is not right at all. I am hurt that she doesn't say anything about Reagan. It's always about her Grandsons. I have always tried to fight for attention over my sister, because she is my moms favorite. I shouldn't have to fight for my daughter to get equal attention as well.

I wish things were different. I worry about what I am going to tell Reagan when she's older and wonders why Grandma doesn't come to visit. I want my daughter to have a Grandma in her life, and my mom is the only one she has. I don't want to lie to my daughter about why her Grandma doesn't come to visit, or make up excuses for her. But I also don't want my daughter to feel an ounce of disappointment from my mom the way she has let me down.

So, I have made a promise to myself, and my daughter. I will be the best mother I can be. I will use my mom as inspiration. I won't miss an important moment in my daughters life, unless there is nothing I can do about it. I will always be there for her, and I will NOT treat her the way I was treated. She is the best thing that has EVER happened to me, and nothing will EVER change that. I am so thankful for every moment I spend with Reagan, and I will cherish every single moment I have with her.

...To be continued...

:: 2011 2 March :: 12.19am

Callie is in my arms and autumn is asleep upstairs. As I read my two blogs ( one about baby scarlett who has brain cancer and the other about maddie who passed away of Sids feb. 17th at 4 months old) I can't help but feel so blessed to have everything I do. I must tell jared thank you when he gets home this morning. I have my two babies alive and well(minus a cold) and a husband that is perfectly happy working (and working hard) and letting me stay home. Every morning that I wake up and have my husband,daughter and baby alive...I am happy.
My heart aches for those not as fortunate as me. And their pain has made me realize EVERYTHING I have to be grateful for. Callie crying at 2 am.... me changing her clothes because she has pooped through yet another outfit....autumn coughing so much she throws up....and when they look at me with their sincere loving eyes....
I wish they knew what a difference they have made in my life and my childrens. Because of them I treat every second of every day like I might not get another.

:: 2011 2 March :: 12.19am

phil-himself

:: 2011 23 February :: 11.08am

I'm a grown ass man.

:: 2011 21 February :: 12.44am

exhausted
Seriously. I do not know how a baby can wake up every two hours at night and then wake up bright eyed at 9 in the morning. And still manage on top of that to only nap a couple times a day. Im tired. You're crying right now and have been since at least midnight. Im about to go insane. I thought they say that babies will stop after a certain amount of time. Apparently you're stubborn. I hate it.

acidtears

:: 2011 20 February :: 5.56pm
:: Mood: artistic

I think you're pretty
I think you know it
You got a boyfriend
You just forgot him that's all
For five minutes that's all
You're my best friend that's all

Divide and conquer
Train him to be greedy
Why would the person put the advantage by fair?

Will you become what other people think of you?
I hope you don't feel lonely when you're spending time with me your friend

Wish you were here with me
Wish I was there with you
I'm reaching feeling for you
I wanna be up with you again and again

We wait for each other
But we are not lovers
I picked a good time to leave
I think it made you mad

You're talking about
You're talking about what I'm saying
Now

Wish you were here with me
Wish I was there with you
If you wanna talk I think we should
But me and where don't work so good

Will you become what other people think of you?
I hope you're not too lonely when I'm spending time with my old friend

Oh oh
Yeah
Okay
Subtle indications dribble away which you don't care about
Yeah
Okay
Go

valoth

:: 2011 19 February :: 2.44pm

The rant to end all other rants...I had.
Ive been slowly working on writing something huge. Every event in my life that still haunts me in some fashion. Every event that I recall thats ever kept my mind awake at night frustrating the hell out of me. What I have already is about 6 pages long. So, I can only imagine how bad things will be by the end of it.

The good news is I think putting these things down somewhere will def help.

spud

:: 2011 18 February :: 2.12am
:: Mood: relaxed

i'm making 'omnanimously' a word, and that's the end of it.
So, i'm on vacation with my family. We go to the k-mart in Petoskey. Not my decision, but in the interest of caving to the more forceful individuals involved, that's where I wound up.

My dad gives me spending money (it would've been much better spent on the slopes, but that wasn't in the cards, apparently. So, I still haven't spent it.), which in and of itself is both sad and cool. With what money I brought up with me, I buy a soda. A 20-ounce bottle of pop. The lady at the register asks me if I have a k-mart rewards card. I have to sound all stupid, and ask her to repeat herself because she's one of those soft talkers. You know the ones. I'm half deaf, because i'm getting over a sinus infection, and i've spent several sessions in the last 24 hours submerged in either a hot tub or a pool. Since I can't fucking be skiing. would you like to sign up for a rewards card? I'm sorry, what was that? Do you want to sign up for one? No, thanks. And in my head, there's a battle raging between the logical part of me that's thinking 'she doesn't know that I never go to k-mart, probably won't again for a long long time, and the only reason i'm here in the first place is because i'm from out of town,' and the other part that's saying 'lady, I don't have one already, and i'm just buying a fucking soda!'. Alright, that'll be a dollar sixty-nine. I didn't actually hear what she said, but I knew it was more than a dollar, but less than two, and deduced the rest from the change.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just a fun fact (or an FF. See what I did there? I shortened it. Which is automatically more cool. Or cooler. See? Shortened again! Damn, i'm cool), this stems from a game of phone tag that i'm currently in.

I am fascinated, at least for the moment, with the phenomenon of being 'it'. Like, how would you describe being it? (again, short=cool) Defining 'it' is easy, but describing it is nigh on impossible. You're in a position of some singular importance, but at the same time it's something you try to avoid. I guess it all stems from the simplicity of the game. It is competition in its most sublime, simplified form. Still, the human mind needs some context; some rules. Granted, they're basic: if the person who's it touches you, you become the person who's it - The game begins with whoever initiates contact and calls someone else it - Anyone who chooses to join in is potentially it. Them's the rules. Then why is that sensation so difficult to pin down? We all know it (at least, anyone who has ever played tag. Which I omnanimously declare to be everyone), and yet it remains so difficult to put to words. You're either chasing, or being chased, and taking it in turns. And the game is pretty much over when the person who's it gives up, and nobody else in the game decides to take up the mantle.

In some ways, I wish phone tag were more like the game of my youth. Regardless, I still hate being 'it'.

cjessicapyne

:: 2011 17 February :: 1.13pm
:: Mood: aggravated

You were my best friend. You knew all my weaknesses. Then you exploited them. Like only you really could.

And I bit the shit out of my tongue. I held my hands over my mouth and let you get the upper hand just so you'd go the fuck away.

But now you're sorry.
And now you're alone.
And now you need me.

How many times have I been through this with you? How many times have I bent over backwards to make you more comfortable? How many times have I fought and argued to sort things out to keep you around, even when everyone else in my life thought you were the worst thing for my sanity.

And your texts, they kill me.
Your messages twist my stomach.
You have no idea how hard it is for me to look down, see your name on my phone, and flip it face-down without responding.
I'm not holding back because I'm afraid I'll say something hurtful.
I'm restraining myself so I somehow don't wind up with my arms wide open to you again.

Please can I go home now? I can barely stay awake.
But you sit there with your pride and kill us all.
You have so much fun now trying to bend me till I break
and I just set myself up to take the fall.

Your eyes are black as tar and to look at you is hard,
but I'm just too afraid to look away.
Misery loves company and here you stand in front of me.
Just please don't ask me to stay

So, who do you trust? Now that you need me to get through the day.
I'm asking too much - to have you hear what I have to say.
So I say:
Help me help you, I'm down on my knees
If you need me so much then why did you leave?
You needed a reason, you needed too much.
You can lean on me, but don't lean on me like I'm your crutch.

You never started loving me so you could never quit.
I could rule this fucking world and you'd still think I'm shit.
You've turned your back on me, have no family;
In the end the devil gets what he deserves.

So, who do you trust now that you need me to get through the day?
I'm asking too much, to have you hear what I have to say.
So I say:
Help me help you, I'm down on my knees.
If you need me so much then why did you leave?
You needed a reason, you needed too much.
You can lean on me, but don't lean on me like I'm your crutch.

moomoo

:: 2011 15 February :: 7.57pm

Life has been interesting, ended things with bo, but looks like I already have someone else in my life. However am not rushing it and just gonna take it slow. School is blah, will be happy when its over. I am so ready for summer, over winter.

3 commentscommentses | comment damnit.

jayzulla

:: 2011 15 February :: 2.18am

I neglect woohu so much. I am sorry.

:: 2011 9 February :: 12.15pm

4 months old!
Callie,
Wow! You have had a few busy days. Saturday the 5th we started you on oatmeal. You ate probably half and the other half ended up all over your clothes. The next day, you ate all of it! ( my little piggy) Then things started getting harder haha. You decided you wanted to play with it and shoved your hands in your mouth. Yesterday you were too upset to eat and today you ate a few bites, played with some and some ended up on your face and clothes. Every bite you did eat... made you gag...and this horrible expression would come across your face like it tasted so sour. But I tried it before you did and it was NOT that bad.
Last night you rolled from your belly to your back TWICE and it was intentional haha. You don't really like being on your tummy but you still are physically capable of rolling from your back to your tummy. Oooh and another thingbyou started doing a couple days ago was switching your pacifier between your hands and also outrun it back in your mouth. I'm so proud of you! Those skills are way above your current age (6 month skills). Currently you are asleep in my arms. I think you are going through a growth spurt. You used to sleep from 12a- 8am without fail for 2 months straight. The past week or two.. you've been up at 5 and then 9 wanting to nurse for a half hour! Not to mention still eating ever two hours during the day and you've also started nursing on both sides. Piggy.
Happy four months.

joslyn_julia

:: 2011 8 February :: 10.58am
:: Music: Presidents of the USA- lump

I am starting to think in a year from now I might not have any option but divorce.
I won't go into right now, because I have too much to do, but I sincerely am starting to just not give a damn about him.
Maybe I should have had the song as Elton John The Bitch is Back.

Also, I am seriously thinking about only writing my statuses as lines from songs from here on out. I feel like my emotions are starting to refreeze. Lord save us If I am returning to be the bitch I was in HS.