so tj is just about the greatest boyfriend i have ever had... im soooooo happy i have him to turn to even though i dont. holly loves james and all is good. well i at least hope so... im feeling really giddy and i truly dont know. got 21 hours again this week... which means mucho $$$$ on my next pay check which is something i need! majorly. school is goin ok i guess. the only excitement of the day is personal pan pizzas at lunch!

job searching
well i guess the t man is out finding a job right now!!! yay thats good. i at least wont have to pay for everything. HOLLY YOU HAVE TO GO TO SWIRL OR I SHALL KILL YOU!!!!!!! it makes me sad that u dont want to go oh well i always have nikki right

is there an end to my tunnel
i konw my last few entries have been sad... maybe there is some love here. i feel it. and i know with it i can make it through. i just need it all. lastnight i was like i could do it. just one more little cut where no can see. that was all i needed to feel good. and right now its seeming i want it even more... i have to do it. no i do oh god what do i do? man am i sounding emo. oh well everyone gets a time to be emo... i wanna but i promised too many people i wouldn't.... i just hope my head doesnt talk my heart outta it

battling it all
im fighting a defensive battle! something i have to keep from and its hard as all get out. i cant stay away from the blade. i was sooo upset bout it yesturday that i was shakking all night and i just eventually cried myself to sleep. i cant stand this. if only he understood whyi have to do it, but i cant because i promised not to and i cant break my first promise to him.... bill and dylan i love ya guys for caring.

no school
our people are stupid. i truly wanted to go to school today so i could see tj but noooooo they had to friggin close.... errrrr the roads arnt even bad! oh well i got to slppe in so im ok i guess

its all over now
how do i explain how extremely happy i am????? it all started with me throwing away any sharp things and ended in total bliss.... ahhh thanks james and holly for helping me bust down that barrier. we ( me and tj) finally let it all out. how we feel about everything and what not!!!!!!! ahhhh it feels soo good to let someone in again. i was tired of being all alone in my little world... and now that i have let tj in and he understands it all a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!!!!!!!!!!

Where has my world gone?
i thought i was done with all this but it keeps agging me on. deep inside it calls to me to do it again. even though i promised never to go near it again. last night it came and went. and the tears are still with me but refuse to show. why do i feel like this and why are these scars the only thing i can look at?.... besides this tj is gonna be angry with me, james is gonna tell on me. they dont realize what me and holly are and why we do what we do. its how we live and ther is no changing it.... i dont think i ever can... i know its bad and i know its dangerous but what else is there??? NOTHING. nothing but an empty life and a few meaningless tales. how am i supposed to feel love when i can't even feel this? its a numbing thing. i can't feel it when i do it and it makes it all good. if i cant feel it it means its not really there right. just like santa. but i love tj. i truly do and idont want him angry but i dont know what to do. im addicted and im stuck.

i hate rockford
i have officially realized that i hate this place... rockford sucks so much ass!!!!!!!!! there is soooo much noise i hate it. i wanna move back to cedar but i have no where to go except nikki and well she has enough to deal with so that is not an option. well it looks like after graduation i will be moving back to indiana! ok yay like i havnt move enough... argh but there is IU which is where i wanna go to school, but its like forever away from where tj will be... well now that everything is fallin apart including my car its to hell from here