:: 2004 10 May :: 11.56 pm

being up at 11:40 rocks.
i'm going to bed soon.
i just wanted to call out into the world for summer.
come quick. i'm dying.

2 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 9 May :: 6.06 pm

i love leaving work with my best friend and shopping for underwear.
i love dancing to eighties music for my mom so she laughs so hard she can't do her crunches.
i love sitting in my towel writing in my journal.
i love showers.
i love watching kill bill tonite.
i love this.
today was good. somewhat perfect.
i love when this all makes sense.
i love the chop house.
i love being able to see my shlove when he randomly visits me. <3
i love being a tennis superstar.

p.s. i met the real live "mean grls"
notre dame. eat my asshole. bitches.

*courage to guide me, deliver me.*

want to dance?

:: 2004 7 May :: 9.04 pm

i love untouchable moments. i got my pictures back today. rehcos and i had a "deep" conversation about how this one picture was perfect. full of flaws, but it was flawless. frozen to remember forever. memories soothe the soul.
oh. i'm scene.
i want to say that growing up changes everyone. everything changes you're friends. clothes. boys. you see your parents in new light. you realize they struggle as much as you. feeling come and go.
but memories never change. they're always the same. they're my sanity.
i love to remember every single laugh. every single tear. it's what made us who we are.
i loved our telepathic phone calls.
i want this summer to be perfect. it will be. the way we smile at each other and laugh when we're not funny makes us perfect. thirds and all. we're perfect.
i want to sleep on a beach. cry on a boat. drive on the "super highway." learn archery. write a song. paint a masterpiece. stay this way forever. sing "everybody wake up." go on a roadtrip to canada. pierce something. cut my hair. experience long periods of beach hair. get old with my best friends. remember this summer, as the "untouchable forever." never brush my hair. swim in the ocean. enjoy every sunburn. burn my feet on the tar. feel sweat. eat salads. love every day of this summer. pretend it's forever. blast my music. break the rules. laugh till i pee my pants. never forget who care about me. never make them feel like i need them. always be a third. wear outrageous outfits. crash a party. wear flouresant shirts and love it. don't blush when i snort. go minority hunting. be like the picture. priceless
never the end.

2 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 5 May :: 1.18 pm

i'm in study right now. ever so boring. alya got dismissed an good ole eric is reading away his english....where i should prolly be doing my chemistry lab...but no. i'm over it.
ahh. so a stupid freshman flipped ketchup on me at lunch and seriously i almost went nutcase scary movie kiler on her ass. i hate underclassmen. anyway.
i get to go visit the lil baby today. he's gonna be sooo cute. i guess he has red hair and awww. i'm just excited but now i have to run home after school and change becuase i am a frosted with ketchup donut.
speaking of donuts i'm quitting honeydew for real this time. seriously kristine is leaving i cannot handle it without her. she's my donut buddy. :(
hmmm. what else. is new. i dno.
ohh yea. i'm going job hunting with meg today. i'm excited when we hang out we're such retards i love it!! wel i'm gonna go do some work and such.
so long.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 4 May :: 8.26 pm

hmm. i had so much fun tonight. i love you meg and danni. you guys are awesome.
you know they're more than friends. more like family. when you can say the dumbest thing and they understand. plus. danni and i are nasty at tennis.
xtreme tennis. hoot rah.
p.s. i'm not a bad person or friend. and honestly if you ppl think that. i'm beginning not to care.

2 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 4 May :: 1.27 pm

so i must suck. there isn't any other excuse. i thot i was a good person my mistake.
had to pick my mom up today...half way there...got a phone call. not till 4ish. she'll call. missed a day of school for nothing. parents.
rehcos. i'm sorry for whatever happened. you're my best friend no matter what. even when you hate me and want new friends.
and whoever keeps posting in my journal. w.e. keep doing it. destroy my life. that's fucking sick. but if you want something bad to happen to me. i muust have done somethying to you and i'm sorry. i'm the bigger person. but please continue on destroying my life. hate me.
odifa latty. over and over and over again.
i don't really like myself too miuch now. no one else seems to.
have to hang out laundry before i get ready. goodbye.
*this may never start, we could fall apart*

want to dance?

:: 2004 2 May :: 9.43 pm

bury me, in memory.
something like that. it's stuck in my head,
i want to fly. odifa latty. i love standing outside in my underwear and a tee shirt at 8, and feel a warm gust of air. that's what love is.
awww. i'm off to bed.
finsihed my english paper. ms. casavant sucks.
*falls*

5 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 26 April :: 4.32 pm

i want to give a little shout out to the bastard who commented two entries ago. fuck you. don't like what you read, don't fucking read it.
seriously. who give you the right to tell me to fucking get over anything. bastard.

anyway. prom's coming soon. i'm kinda excited. need to get my dress fixed. stupid online ordering. oh well.
i have to work today. saaweeet.
hmm. today i just realized why i love my friends. they are the best fucking things in the world. seriously. even tho, alya may have cut me and laur out of her "friends list" we succeeded to return again. it was amusing. i wish to remember it in the future.
signed up for sat's. whoop whoop. bartlett high. i think i'm getting to the point where i'm dreading the end of high school but also excited. it's one of the most exciting events in your life. i love it. and i love my friends. i think they make this ordeal worth while. love you guys xooxoxox

*i listen real closely for the music which surrounds our every move*

2 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 24 April :: 9.52 am

do you remember when this all felt so new? i wish i could. it's so old. everything is old. i feel so old. one more year of high school and then we all say goodbye. i could never talk to the people i spend every waking moment with. it's all gone..
i think about it. and it could be the scariest thing ever. also the best thing ever. i'm scared. excited. anxious. worried.
we have only one more year to create memories. then we lose each other. we make new memories. and if you didn't find them as fond as other, you completely leave them at home. and forget everyone.
i don't want this to end so bad. but i do. high school is the most riduculous thing i have ever had to do. it fucks with you. you get memories and scars. memories fade, scars don't. this whole thing shapes who we are. i'm not ready to become "me." i don't even know when i'll know i'm me. does that make sense?
i don't know. i read amanda a.m yesterday and it said something along the lines of year had only created a months worth of good memories (something to that effect.) what if that is what we think when we're 30. our entire life had only a month worth of good memories.
i have to go to work.
*We can stay eighteen forever*...please.

want to dance?

:: 2004 23 April :: 4.15 pm

Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis.
this song, amke me want to shoot bitches. and when i say shoot bitches, i mean madd bitches. holler. i'm gansta.
i went to shop with my lil sister today with jeff. they're soo in love <3 it was a pretty cool day. being 7 rocks the fucking world. i want to be 7 again sooo much.
welp. i'm off to go do some serious heavy duty...no not drugs. (sorry amanda), shopping.
then i believe i'm doing nothing. well if your excitement for about ohhh 3 hours you can call me. then i suppose if not everyone in the world has already called me, i'll fit you in. hahaha. that soo made me sound like i have friends. i have about 5 of those. ahah. i suck.
catch ya on the flip side.
*We can stay like this forever*

want to dance?

:: 2004 22 April :: 9.51 pm

sometimes i wonder why we do all this. why do all the crying, all the hoping, all the dreaming. it only leads to this this we are told is called life. but honestly. look at our parents. we all say how we're gonna be different live the life we dream. did you ever ask them what they dreamt? i'm sure it wasn't this. this is a waste of time.
there are those exceptional few who will a life we all dream and die for. i'm not one fo those people. and you're prolly not either. don't you hate yourself now? i do.
i would rather we stop this. or rather know what we will get. this expectation crap sucks. i suck. singing sucks. painting and drawing sucks. work sucks. car sucks. school sucks. being little sucks. being older sucks. there s no reason to smile.
this endless circle we call life is one big joke.
the end.

6 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 7 April :: 4.04 pm

i am this cool.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 22 March :: 4.10 pm

i want to go to boston. and i want to smile. i hate fighting. i hate dumb thoughts. i want to remember one moment of laughing till it hurts. i want freedom from oxford.

3 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 10 March :: 3.51 pm

seriously i love my friends.
rehcos and danni. ur comments made me cry, i'm so glad i know you guys. *kiss*
soooo. the last two days i have been so off. i kinda just want to know how to feel sometimes and i search my wholeself for the right emotion but nothing seems right. does that make sense.
yesterday i cried in school. i hate crying in school. i feel like such a baby. i cried cuz i hate feeling like i'm not there. well you guys know what i'm talking about...i just want thing so feel normal and good. and happy oh god i want happy. well nothing good comes easy right...so this way summer will be so easy it wil hurt :)
oh summer. where are you?

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 5 March :: 11.15 pm

i don't remember the last time i cried like this. i can't stop. today was just so horrible. and it hasn't got any better. it's 11 i can't sleep i have to work tomorrow my eyes are gonan be puffy and seriously i wanna drive into a tree. well that seems so drastic. maybe a big rock.
i want to go out and get drunk, and forget that today exisited. ot get so drunk i forget i exsist. today i feel like some people agree.
here i go again i'm crying. my mom offered to buy me chinese to cheer me up and that only made cry harder. my chest hurts. the air is little. i can't breath. i seriously hope i pass out. i want to be not here. i'm so sad.


I WANT TO FEEL WHOLE.

2 bow out. | want to dance?