:: 2004 5 November :: 9.05 pm

just got home. babysat with dan and the hottest little baby ever. aww man <3

and i'll close my eyes and we'll play pin the truth on this life. and you got me. i'm all wrapped up and ready to go. ready for the time of my life. i can't pretend that this isn't how i've wanted to feel. i'm so much happier than you'll ever know. i couldn't even color in the lines. my hands are so free. i'm perfectly ok with everything i am. everything that is. i'll never be another inconvient phone call. i'll just be the girl on the other end of the line with a full heart telling you which way to the buried treasure.
and i'll never spell "their" like Natasha. goodnite my happy little world <3
why does college have to be coming so soon?


i went exploring with dan today. it was beautiful. just like i knew it would be!

want to dance?

:: 2004 3 November :: 6.31 pm

today i relaxed. and took pictures. i think i feel spiritual?

walking past the empty faces we all knew. we all loved. we cling now. cling to all that keeps us sane. hugs are often mistaken for clinging. your countless prayers have been answered little girl. you hold this friend in a locket close to your heart because you deserve them to never be any farther. you've earned a right to a good laugh. i believe in miracles. i'll believe everything we whisper after the sun sets and the blankets warm our toes. we made our blue prints. they're solid with no false starts, only balancing beams and a hand to keep your head up. warm nights laughing till we surrender our bellies. finger paints and endless banter of the world's quirks. to disagree happily but showing signs of confused acceptance. pictures taken at just the right time. left to catch dust for us to wipe away and laugh in years. silly girl. you deserved that all along. and softly we'll listen to music and sip our tea in peace.

i love my zen garden!!

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 1 November :: 2.02 pm

i tore down every old photograph we laughed to from the sky. you always knew how to be clever. but i never knew a wasteland of emotion as well. song sung about pills in our hands and cold in our hearts. we will never stain another bottle with our dressed to kill lipstick. legacy end quote. i guess i'll never hear the music like you, that's what prevents us from seeing eye to eye. listen closely because i'm not into malicious motives on a sunny day, i'll whisper one last prayer & forget we ever exsisted.


stayed home today. i feel icky.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 31 October :: 8.26 pm

Yippee.
happy halloween.

white houses. that song is the man. i'm in a writing mood tonite. i think i will when everyone goes home :/
i'm with my girlyfriend(muffin man), jeff, and matt. my bro and his 2 friends. chill.
we had hawaiin pizza and cherry soda.

overall i wonderful nite.

being 18 is odd. you become so much wiser.

rush of blood. and so on .

want to dance?

:: 2004 24 October :: 6.31 pm

i really do miss updating you all the time my wonderful 2 dollar journal. :)

so in 2 days i'm 18.1-8.the "hello, welcome to adulthood age." cool.

soft paper lips, she smiled from corner to corner. finally happy with what feels right. and the flowers dangling loosy from her wild hair resembles a beauty less than our breathing. swirling around tornados miles away and banishing a forgotten rainstorm from her cheek. how much does this cost? violently screaming to someone who would listen. give me reason to sit out. the colors dance in someone else's eyes. she skipped away, fighting back tears. our kind wasn't meant for emotionless. we never learnt that inschool.



yea. sometimes it gets weird in here.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 30 September :: 10.06 pm

wow.


i can't even breathe when your around that.

FUCKING annoying.


i wish i never got up this morning..

want to dance?

:: 2004 23 September :: 2.50 pm

i want to say thank you. thank you for making me stronger and knowing how to look past all the facades. i'm sick of being missed. i pray for your safe return and someday soon you'll land safely. but until then. let your fragrent emotions carry you away with scents of failure and unkept promises. i've lost all my appiete for this.
..............................................................oh.

to my grl with a sunny disposition.

laughter that lights up a room. and a smile that keeps the sun on it's toes. a perfect friendship defined by your actions and nothing else but smooth sailing. i want you to know. that everything you do. is never left unnoticed. you define the word inspire. with words of a nature far from this world. a world with pink flowers and beach hair. soft eyes and a good heart. genuinely made, to break the mold. sweet songs bounce around your words hoping to be able to be spoken with the same amount of grace as you move.
<3 thanks for cheering me up today<3
ronald louis white. what a killer.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 19 September :: 10.14 pm

i won't being saying hello to nameless faces. Playing dumb was never my style, but dirty was yours. i can't count the times i forgot you meant nothing to me. realizing tears are only fuel for your calculated plans. pawning emotions as if you had some to spare. i smile on the inside, so you think you've won. you'll never with me. within a constant circle. you think i've lost my place. i just kept my eye on you. more hellos than goodbye because you never see me leave, i always have seen your back. i refuse to scream the satisfaction you desire. The bell tolls and the jury is in. i'm done with your bullshit, honey. strap in, because you're about to me shooken up. who'd a thought, i have the keys that bind your tongue to my heart.


randomness.
duuuude. fuck english. i am not writing those essays tonite.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 18 September :: 8.34 am

i need to change. i don't like who i'm becoming.
i'm beginning to see ppl in such a new light. it's my senior year. i don't feel like dealing with bullshit. 17 years was long enough.

i ready to be drastic.

want to dance?

:: 2004 14 September :: 8.37 am

i thrive in the city. last nite 8 of us walked to the reflecting pool at 2 in the morning. it was actually breath taking. the city overwhelms me and i love the feeling.
i'm awake alll by myself right now. everyone else is still sleeping off last nites body abuse. i need to go out there. the giant mass of city at my finger tips. perfect.
i wish so hard that i could remember what it felt like to be carefree. being here, as stimulating as it is, is a constant reminder that this time next year i'll be somewhere. and i don't know where. i'll have made new friends. and i wont have the comfort of knowing the back roads. i'm scared and excited.
so i have been thinking greatly about schools. i will go to boston or new york. i can't not go. its what i was made for. somehow i know that inside of me there is this switch that is just waiting to be turned on by the hype of the city. you know when you know something is just right. without doubt. that's how i feel.
i need the feeling of...i can't even describe it. just belonging to something so massive. it's empowering.
i'll miss home regardless. i'll miss being 5 mins away from every friend i have. i'll miss my mom and my world wars over shoes or perfume. i'll miss orrie. :'(
i'll miss my baby, my perfect boy. but you know what makes him perfect. he knows i need this, and he's supportive which is what i'll need before i dive head first into a shark tank. i love him. xox
i can't wait. yet in the same respect i want to treasure all the precious time left. ahhh, youth. so unexpected and perfect. perfect in every insane way.

and i'll lift my glass high to wish you the best. split second timing before my glass breaks. i'm ready. and i've got my dancing shoes on.

want to dance?

:: 2004 8 September :: 6.41 pm

i realized today i miss a lot.
i miss best friends, and how they are suppose to work. i miss not being forgotten. i miss sleepovers.

when you grow up you grow out of stuff. lately i've realize i've grown away from so many ppl. ppl who meant the sun and the moon. how could i ever explain this.

being your sidekick was a safety. i'm flying solo now....i hope you know.
imissboston. and every fucking pointless smile.

why does this always seem so sad. so difficult.
i just want my best friend to stay that way for once.


I miss what will never be again and i miss how you use to read this.

2 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 18 August :: 1.55 pm

so today i went job hunting. i hate reality. its so hard. maybe that's why people smoke or drink. it;s so they can live in the reality they want, or wish they had. danni and i talked about so much. that's what i love about her. i can say anything and never feel dumb. just allowed to be me. i dont know. but we made plans for next week. and i'm so excited. mmm. butterflies.

i was born during the wrong era. the wrong time. i was suppose to sing husky songs in old microphones and wear pearls. drink martinis and dance with a dress on.

senior is coming. then it's all done kids. i'm beginning to think i don't want to know a lot of you then.

i'm giving blood today. and i want to see paris.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 17 August :: 12.28 am

you know those pictures that have all the particles moving in one big flowly movement. they have them on computer in the screen saver section. it's cool. well anyway. it's what you feel when you can't hold your eyes still in fear of them allowing every ounce of difnity that you have intact. it's how i feel.


flying.

want to dance?

:: 2004 12 August :: 4.33 pm

I want to promise myself a lifetime of regret. painful regret that only occurs when something extraoridinary comes form something so bad. i want to see the world. knowing that i'm entering it head in less than a year, terrifies me. i can't seem to get enough sleep and i'm horrible at directions. i want to see italy at night. and smoke skinny cigarettes in french cafe. i want to try spices that remind me of sapphires and emeralds. i want to see the sun set on the ocean's horison. i want to learn to play a ridiculous instrument.
but i never want to forget any of you.
i would neve want to forget thai food with silly headdresses. or trying coconut ice cream for the first time. my first job. my first best friend. falling in love. learning your instincts will be wrong sometimes and it's not your fault. i want to never forget listening to music and screaming on our way to a show millions of miles down the pike. trying to spark at the beach, and the extents we went through to do it. making little women who hang from my rear view mirror in my car out of stolen art wire. every single funny webster story. playing religious songs on a kid's z-phone at walmart while you stare dreamily at him. going to pick up christmas trees with you and craig. every sunday tj maxx trip. wine at my house. the stupid hay ride. and singing songs like retards, what can i say we love to sing. last summer. running into you, remembering it hurt, but laughed to hard to care. oh alcohol. camping back in the day. that 17-yr josh. spice grls in the tracker. double cheese burgers. watching you light up the stage. every weird conversation we had in your hottub.

i want to see the world. but i have already saw the beauty of human nature.

i love you guys.

4 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 11 August :: 12.29 am

i am actaully quite happy that you reminded me of what i lost. because i realized it was nothing. all the fake love you gave me. nothing, you felt nothing. you are empty. and empty people can never love. or allow themselves to be loved. you're a wrecking ball with no consious desires. only a thought of what will make you happy. and making me cry has always satisfied your thirst.
i hate being blown off. especially when you make the plans. when you say we should hang out. i'm over it.

i love amanda and danni. i love my mom and her camero. thai food is delicious. i love "suicidal pussy." i love that i know i'm in love with jeff.

but i hate the way i thought you were a friend.

(p.s. i fucking despise sketchy people.)

1 bow out. | want to dance?