:: 2004 20 June :: 10.01 pm

mattpartyshard: who needs school when you have lemonade and summer

yea.

want to dance?

:: 2004 14 June :: 7.46 pm

i haven't updated in a long while so i figured i would havae it a go. or something like that,
umm well i've realized a lot. or maybe i always knew and just didn't want to know. you know?
rehcos and i talked about how this town is like a disease. symptoms are dizziness, loss of compassion, ignorance, and "no personal romances." well said.
i want to fly away. odifa latty.
i wish i knew why people didn't care or why they do the things you do but then i think of the possible reasons and it makes me hate life even more. read j.b. it explains it all.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 3 June :: 4.19 pm

working again today.
i'm gonna be doing this alot. the whole working thing. money is life.
well. today was somewhat eventful. i ahd to bring my piece of shite car to the SCC(mechanic). she's sick. hopefully not deathly ill. some stupid starter is not connecting. well. then i ate a calzone.
i fn love italians. good food. funny laugh.
i'm off to work.

^>I want to be made unforgetable<^
.:.Iwantmydeathtobebeautiful.:.

want to dance?

:: 2004 2 June :: 2.02 pm

i hate school.
not only do i hate school. i hate freshmen. a lot. i fucking flipped out on this annoying bitxh in my lunch line today. garr. ok so there's this kid darren (bigworm), and i think he may be slow but w.e., so ppl pick on him and this annoying fucking "i'm so wonderful i shock myself every morning" chick starts saying unnecessary shit to him. he didn't even sa a word. and she kept at him. I turned around and told her to shut her fucking mouth and that she doesn't matter so she shouldn't be wasting her pathetic breath.
i hate ignorance.

p.s. i can't stand how some people disregard people who fought in wars and when watching a movie to honor these people roll their "i'm so above everyone" eyes and call them stupid.
i fucking hate bitches.

i hate today. it rained. perfect ending.

p.p.s. i have to work. :(

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 1 June :: 2.25 pm

i'm in a shitty mood. so i'm just gonna write.

I'll never forgive myself for giving into each smile you throw my way. never. i can't even breathe anymore. i'm drowing. i feel like i'm flying. underwater. under all this shit. i can't help myself anymore. i never could. i dug myself the hole but i could never get myself out. i would cry and flood myself away from the hole that captured me. i want to be away. away from the broken shards of my being and the hard hats people wear around me. i want to scream and cry at the same time. i want a release button. it's drugs. and alcohol. it uncages my tiger. i just wanted to smile for you. that's all i ever wanted. i just want to not smell defeat when i breathe. i'm gone. drowsy music fills my head. sleep forever.
i lost faith in everyone. no one will ever be looked upon as worthy. i lost that faith years before your smile poisoned me. don't mind me. take this for what it is. i can only promise you me. this shattered pile of broken banter carelessly punt under a rug.

I WANT TO BE MADE UNFORGETABLE.

want to dance?

:: 2004 31 May :: 7.22 pm

i want to remember being young forever. i want to never hear the bitter sound of adulthood. i want to be happy meals and jump ropes forver.
i love knowing that my life is perfectly flawed. the poeple in it add perfectness to an already flawed world.

i just want to say that summer is coming i can't wait to spend every second of it laughing and making memories. i want this to forever be the "good ole days" some how i already know they are.
i'm going to spend each second smiling for our good fortune.

want to dance?

:: 2004 26 May :: 4.46 pm
:: Mood: annoyed

ok. first off. this is a journal.
i'm allowed to fucking vent or write about what i feel. i shouldn't have to censor myself in order to please people.
if a year ago was how i felt. it wasn't because of you meg. it was becuase of liz, that's trashy peice of shit, who made me hate myself. i don't like her and just knowing her sucked. so don't take what i said like that. i can vent but i didn't write down every single detail. arg.
plus. danni is an amazing person. and that girl knows that.


going to chill with thuy. peace. holler. one.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 23 May :: 8.46 pm

D is for the darling things you do.
A is for always making sure i know what to do with your friendship.
N is for never stopping at being buzzed.
N is for never forgettable
I is for insane. (enough said.)

W is for without a doubt beautiful.
H is for HOTTTTTT.
I is for "i love you."
T is for the most genuine person i ever met.
E is for even tho you're not a third i love you like you were me. and well i love myself a lot.
i love you!!

i love danni white.

5 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 18 May :: 10.27 pm

well tonight i feel like bearing my soul to the world. though sometimes i wonder if souls really do exsist. whether a lot of things exsist. i really think tonight made me think that they do. I watched keiran, wow. he's soo beautiful and perfect. he is a living miracle, brooke and bryan are soo happy. and well. that's amazing.
i just love the feeling when i wake up in the morning and know that today will be good. when i lok back on life a year ago i think of all the shit i felt. of how i was never satisified with who i was, where i was, and who i was with. i had lost liz and i was completely lost. i feel so dumb looking back. if someone can treat you liek that and then completely just walk away from a year of friendship it's not worth it. i think of the boys that effected me. i'm such a drama queen. my life seemed so inconsistent. never feeling like i had done what i was suppose to do, so hollow you could say.
but today. this very day from a year ago. it's perfect. i love my friends, amanda and meg, my thirds. soo different from each other but we're the same because somehow we have this insane cosmic connection with each other. and i love them. they're my family and you can't lose family. they'll always be there. and i will treasure every stupid memory we make, because when all i want to do is cry i think of boston. the beach. super highways. long talks at d'angelos. shows. perfect memories with the most imperfect people i love so dearly. i love you guys. xoxox
and jeffrey. the boy who makes me wonderful. he makes me feel so perfect and well i dno. just real, i feel so real around him. i never have to hide a stupid comment or not think something funny, when it prolly isn't, becuase he just looks at me and smiles. really smiles. because of me. the boy who slow dances with me in my bedroom to corney slow songs that i die for. who knows my favorite ice cream and brings me chocolate cake. knows the exact spot to tickle me. my love. <3
i honestly don't know how i ever got along without these poeple in my life. you guys are seriously what make life worth living. i love you every day because i realize how i lucky i am to have the best of the best people in my life.
and no matter what shit you're going through. no matter how many fights we have. no matter what. rehcos and meg you guys have made me a better person.
and jeff. thank you for loving me.

ok. i'm done revealing my soul. g'nite.

5 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 18 May :: 2.33 pm

do you ever just get that feeling that things just to stop mattering. nevermind.
i have to work today. fun. (just kidding)
i'm goign to visit the love of my life tonite. kieran...or keiran. i forgot way to spell it.
i don't want to write. no one reads this shit anyway.
waste of two dollars.

want to dance?

:: 2004 16 May :: 9.14 pm

hmm. i love no obligations. i'm sure i have some but i didn't do them.
i just sent $2 to woohu. to save my account. gotta do it by the 22cd. do it. i would die without my venting tool.
i think i may go read. i love being lost in a book.
amanda made me smile today. b/c she was smiling about myke. i'm happy that she's happy.
i bought jeff's nephew spiderman gear today. he's gonna be so hott.
i got danni's present. then i made her a card. i love her.
brought jeff dinner. sat with him. i miss him. xoxox
i'm going back to suzanne and nicholas and katie and matt...my book.
love you.
g.nite.

want to dance?

:: 2004 14 May :: 6.27 pm

this is how cute my firends are:
Auto response from pr1tte pr1n655: which waaay to the beach? out with the best of the best (minus leah.. who keeps oxford is check while we're away. miss you loooots)
Auto response from WaterProofMscara: At the beach for the day 8-)..Miss tons of tons leah my sweetheart...oXXo
Auto response from RitzKrackeh: at the beach for the day ! love you and miss you baby

meg and adam apparently don't care. by hey. 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
i love you guys.
going to watch MORE tv. garrr.

*you know you're not alone when someone cares*

want to dance?

:: 2004 13 May :: 10.13 pm

have you ever wished you were someone else. somewhere else. in that memory that everyone else is gonna have. i'm seriously gonna break down. all of my friends including my boyfirend are all going to the beach. please have fun. whereas i'm staying home. alone. i hate my mom. this doesn't feel fair. i want to have memories and stories. i don't want anyone to feel bad for smiling. i just don't want to feel bad because they are smiling. i hate the tears that are caught in your throat. they hurt.
i think i'm going to actually have a breakdown tomorrow. i don't know how i am going to hadle a day without all my friends. the people who make the day bearable. the people who make smiling effortless.


so this is what it feels like to be alone. :-/

want to dance?

:: 2004 13 May :: 4.13 pm

"Is this is indeed a fight to the death, what is it we are fighting for, if not the values we seem so ready to sacrifice on the grounds that this is a different kind of war?"
well said.
ok so today alya and i decided to d.l. the Nicholas Berg video. not for pleasure. god no. not so i can have something to know than others. to see what they see. death. it's so surreal. my stomach will never be ok again. human kind has become so pathetic it's disgusting. they do something, we do something. it's retaliation back and forth. no one wins. does anyone fucking understand that. and why does the media persist in blowing up all the bad. they never mention any good. all the schools built, and aid and food administered. why must american be so fascinated by abomination. actually more like the world.
i'm just sad. there is no way else to put it. i hate not being able to do anything. obviously two wrongs doesn't make things right. both countries are at fault but you know what i don't understand. that we promote freedom of speech, say what you want, it's your right. but when you have the right to knock the country that gives you that right do you actually contain the right anymore? you don't beleive in what we do or how we run, so you don't want to be an american, why posess our freedoms.
7 soldiers fucked up. they fucked up pretty badly actually. but that doesn't give anyone the rigght to act back. NOTHING JUSTIFIES STUPIDY. on both parts.
i hate the fact that, honestly, no one understands.

i'm ending this ramble now. with this. i'm proud to be an american. because america is not defined by the actions of some deranged people or a crappy decsion made by the president. it's how i feel inside. i'm happy i'm allowed to have freedom of choice. dress in what i choose. and not be frightened if i speak against the male sex. america may be a little extreme with some ways of distibuting their pride for their nation. but in a time when our country is falling apart. i think it could only take a little time to realize, i'm happy to be where i am, as an american.

want to dance?

:: 2004 11 May :: 5.02 pm

my loved ones are flawless.

p.s. under my eyes are pink. oh summer...

want to dance?