jacqui-chan
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2006 12 May :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: 105.3 <
Love stinks
I would honestly love to understand myself. How can I think I love someone who treats me like shit on a regular basis. And now, suddenly he's friends with every other girl in the world. I am such the trend setter. Whoever Jacqui likes everyone else will like too. Yay! Only not. So now I feel pushed to the back burner, and at this point in my life feeling like that sucks even worse than before. I just need him to care about me, to act like I matter more than those other girls. He says I'm still his best friend. Personally, I dissagree. See I respect the feelings and opinions of my best friends, and would never do something continuously that I knew was hurting one of them. But he does it almost daily. The jerk. So why do I still think I love him? Because I'm obviously glutten for punishment. I hate that about myself. Stupid girl.
Oh yea, Phil, I'm VERY upset with you. I have to work tomorrow because you're in Washington. On the day of my mother's surprise 40th birthday party. I think this repays my previous debt. (not really, but I needed to blame this on someone.)
Any ol' how, I'll check ya'll later. Have a smashing Saturday loves.
XOXOXO,
Jay
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m&ms487
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2006 9 May :: 9.05pm
:: Mood: sad
I miss you. I wish you were here. But you aren't.
whatever.
Band awards dessert tonight. I'm receiving my department award on May 30 at honors convocation.
I got my honors band CD today. It is quite lovely. I like listening to people who can actually play.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
michelle
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m&ms487
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2006 8 May :: 8.34pm
I'm printing off the pictures for the mr. robuck and mr. green present thing for tomorrow. I'm not sure if i have enough photo paper. oh well.
I didn't do my rough draft for english. I turned my test in late. I bullshitted my way through my presentation. I don't know how I got through the past four years.
Jessie, Josh, and I are going to the mall on wednesday! I'm really excited. I love josh, he's my favorite oboe player ever.
Graduation party is June 3. Everyone is invited. Ask for directions if you need to. We'll have good food and a classic rock band (my dad's band).
mmhmmm.
I got a flower for my flute choir concert because I was a senior. I was extremely excited. You have no idea. My solo went well, the piccolo song, not too much. Oh well, it wasn't my fault he was so sharp.
Band concert went well. Last band concert. I cried on the way home. I know, i'm a band geek. It happens.
Pictures are almost complete. I'm getting very excited.
Good night.
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m&ms487
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2006 2 May :: 4.29pm
I took the ap statistics test today. Three hours of exciting fun with my space shuttle. Woot.
It was absolutely horrific.
I don't understand what is wrong with me. I feel the need to hide under the covers and eat chicken noodle soup. Interesting.
michelle
1 memories made |
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m&ms487
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2006 30 April :: 7.10pm
:: Mood: enraged
I think i lost my fucking bioethics test that I didn't remember I had due tomorrow. Fuck.
I had the bitchiest lady at work today. She actually made me cry. I had to go to the manager's office and sit down for a few minutes because she verbally attacked me. I don't normally get that upset, sure I have people who I want to strangle, but for some reason this lady just made it so fucking personal. I was trying to tell her that she was wrong in the nicest way possible and she was like "don't you shake your head at me like that" and "You people owe me for my time fixing your mistakes" and "don't tell me that I'm wrong, you're wrong, I'm not wrong, I deserve a twenty five dollar gift card, and that's what you need to give to me to make me happy".
And of course my manager gave it to her. It was all because she was "overcharged" on a twenty four pack of water. Well, the upc on her water and the upc on the receipt didn't match, meaning there was no fucking way it was the same product. NO WAY IN HELL can that happen. Well she wanted not only the price that it was marked, but the "sale" price from last week. Okay, I can live with that, it's like fucking five dollars, and she wanted a gift card, okay, a little much, but whatever, and then when I wouldn't give her the michigan scanning award (if a product is marked lower than what it rings up at the register you get the difference back plus ten times the amount UP TO FIVE DOLLARS) because the fucking upc didn't match the upc on the receipt, which it has to to give the award, she wanted to be upgraded from a ten dollar gift card to a fucking twenty five dollar gift card. Which, my manager did of course. There wasn't even a "thank you for your fucking help". Nope. Not at all.
I haven't cried because of a customer since the first day I worked at the service desk.
Whatever.
Fucking bitch, and she wasn't even fucking right.
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m&ms487
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2006 30 April :: 12.15am
:: Mood: annoyed
Last night was nothing that I expected it to be. Prom was fairly lame, I had a much better time getting ready than at the dance itself. I love Josh so much, he's so much fun. I think he's the male version of Jessie; scary, I know.
So this time it wasn't just about it, it was about being together.
If I could only mix the cola and the grenadine together, I'd have the perfect cherry coke, but no one makes them the way I like them anymore. They use to when I was little. It's just not as good as it use to be, I guess.
I loved my hair last night. I even slept with it in and it stayed, but I took it out in the morning before I went to pick up summer. I had a shit load of bobby pins in my hair. Went to flute choir this morning on four hours of sleep. Took a nap this afternoon, and now I can't go to sleep. I feel like a restless zombie, my whole body is on a fucked up schedule. I have to work tomorrow, and I have a ton of homework just waiting for me to start on it. I don't want to start on it.
I've put in four good years. Time for a break.
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jacqui-chan
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2006 23 April :: 3.12pm
:: Mood: drained
Boys... not men... BOYS
First JD and I weren't going to prom together, then we were, now we aren't again. I'd blame Caleb, since it was originally his fault, but now it's just JD. He's stupid. He wants to date me, and he does. But at school it's just another day. I don't like it. I want to punch it in the face.
I guess I should be use to the craziness of that boys mind by now. Seriously, he's always been this way. But I still get taken by surprise when it comes to him. Craziness.
I'm so so so tired. I slept from 9:30ish last night to 9 this morning. And yet I'm still dead tired. I hate Sundays.
I'll c ya'll tomorrow. Have a great rest of your rainy Sunday. Love ya'.
-Jay-
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m&ms487
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2006 18 April :: 8.08pm
It occured to me yesterday that everyone I know is painfully normal. There is nothing special about any of us. There are one hundred other people out there with the exact same talents and skills as any one of us. What makes us think we are anything to be proud of? The only thing that sets us apart are our experiences, but hell, who cares about experiences if you can't fit them into a concise paragraph along with your hopes and dreams and plan of the future?
I found out a few weeks ago that I was accepted into the Grand Valley State University School of Music to study for a degree in Music (performance) or Music Education.
It appears I have everything figured out. It would be wonderful if I really did.
Today was a horrible day. I don't know exactly why. It was just the feeling I had about it. Everything seemed so real, so acute, so harsh. It's hard to explain. It seems like the good days float by with a cloud of superficiality, nothing really grabs hold so much as just grazes by. It's like a bullet being shot that whizzes about your head. You realized it would hurt if you were struck, it might even be fatal, but because it didn't strike, it's almost not real. You are left with no physical reminder of it's presence. It can be soon forgotten, there was no true impact on your life.
Being struck with that bullet is a different story. You must live with the pain and reminder of it every day. It digs into your body, as much as into your soul. It's there, it's real.
That's what today seemed like. Real.
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Jacqui-Chan
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2006 17 April :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: my mp3 player
Meet Virginia
The highlight of my day: going into work and talking to Ken for about 10 or 15 minutes. True story! How is it that he's 23? Seriously... is that even fair? He's perfect. I can talk to him about anything and everything. He's such a sweetheart, and it makes me happy just to see him. Man, remind me to die when he goes back on active duty. Because I swear if that man dies in Iraq I will cry my eyes out. He and I are actually really close. Closer than most people realize, I think. Maybe Beth sees it... but she would. She's like that, always knows. I think it's the mom in her. Anyway, I just thought I'd share.
Yea, we got mercyed... again. And I didn't play... again. This is the first year ever, and I mean EVER, that I haven't been a starter. There was one game last year when I didn't start, and that was because I missed practice for a week while in California and couldn't play. Yea, see, this is stupid. I swear it makes me worse not to play. It really really does. I dislike softball lately... it's an ego killer.
Yea, I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed lately, and it's making me really short tempered. NOT good. Honestly though, I like having JD around again. Yesterday was basically terrible, until I went to work and she didn't need me. After that I got to go to J's house and chill. He cleaned out his car and I just layed in the backseat. It was nice to just talk to him. He was one person that I needed. Plus when we were done outside we went in and watched Malibu's Most Wanted. It was funny, and it was nice to cuddle with him. I think I might just like his friendship now. I don't need to kiss him or anything, I just want him there. It's nice when he holds me and the world's suddenly all better. I'm glad that my best friend is my prom date... it's gonna' be perfect. Because he's perfect... even his faults. This is what I held on for, I'm glad I waited for him. I truly do love him.
Wow, I'm so moody today. I just went from heated to extatic in like 12 seconds. So not kidding. Wierdo. (and yes, I am talking to myself now).
Anyway, I'll check ya' later. Chao.
XOXO,
Jaq
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jacqui-chan
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2006 16 April :: 11.47am
:: Mood: tired, sore, bored, blessed, and crazy
You know I'll always love you, but right now I just don't like you.
Okay new rule, if you update your journal, any journal, more than twice a day, you need to get a life. I kid you not.
So, JD and I saw Scary Movie 4 last night. Don't waste your money, there are like 2 funny parts and the rest is just stupid. But before that we went to Coldstone, his first time, it was BOMB!! He loved it too, which is good because I may have died of a heart attack if he didn't... that place is AMAZING!! Oh, and we saw Katie and Curtis at Circuit City. That was fun. I was so excited that I jumped out of the car with my shoes off to run over and hug Katie. It was funny. Then we laughed at this guy who thought he was cool in a big ol' SUV with like 20 inch rims on it. He was blasting his stereo with the windows down, all leaned back in his seat. It was pathetic. But funny.
Yea, church was WAY boring. Why is it that all ministers feel the need to tell the story of Resurection every single Easter. NEWSFLASH! Everyone already knows!! DUH, that's why we're celebrating it. Hello. Anyway, JD's family didn't come because his dad's sick and his mom said she had "too much to do before Easter lunch". So it was just Grandma, Barb and I again. As usual.
Yea, did I mention that JD and I are going to prom together. Cuz we are. And we're going to an AQ day next Friday together. And we're totally dating. Which is nice because I love him... and he's like 20 thousand times better than he was before. I love it.
So yea, I need a prom dress... but I have ZERO time to go get one, so we'll see how that works out. Hmm... whatever.
I'll see ya'll later. Happy Easter, even though Easter was originally a Saturday and this is just to satisfy all the people who love changing the Bible. Chao loves.
-Jay-
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jacqui-chan
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2006 14 April :: 9.37pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: my mp3 player
Play it loud...
So, JD asked me to prom. Totally official. Ariana and Caleb are going together too. So it'll be all of us in a group, probably in my car, which by the was is totally almost done! Anywho, I enjoy that I'm going with three of my best friends in the world all together. It's kinda' nice. I wish I could understand J though. He's such a psycho. Like, lets ask Jacqui to prom, tell her I love her every ten seconds, go on dates with her, kiss her, and NOT ask her out! COOL! Not. What a dummy, seriously, who does that? I don't know. All I know is that I like him a LOT so he gets a chance to be good. But this time I'm not gonna' be the doormat. This time if he breaths wrong he's out. I can't stand the bullshit anymore. I'm stressed as hell with everything else right now without having to think about his crap. So that's that. For those of you who were freakin' out about it, I'm not pulling a last time gig here. I'll fricken jam a spoon in his eye if he pulls anything as stupid as he did before... that was bull.
Yep, that's my glorious life, have a good one peeps. Love ya'. Oh, and Happy Easter if I don't talk to any of you before that. Chao loves.
XOXO,
Jacquelyn
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Jacqui-Chan
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2006 10 April :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: tired
Tied up in ancient history...
I am so lost. I hate it when he does that. He wants to go to prom with me, he wants to go with me only if his friends are going so he's not just stuck with mine. We barely see our friends at dances, we're focused on eachother. Plus even if they don't go I'm having a bonfire afterword that they're more than welcome to attend. He's such an idiot. I want to know where I stand, but that seems impossible anymore. Ugh, he said he hasn't yet figured out what I am to him. We kiss and hug and hold hands... even in public... yet we're not "together". The igit.
I hate hate hate this crap. I wish I was over him, because then telling him to take a hike would be WAY easier!
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jacqui-chan
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2006 6 April :: 2.13pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: KISS
So cool
Ya' know, I'm really glad to be me. Seriously. I don't want to sound all conceaded or anything, but I feel bad for other people sometimes. I shouldn't whine about my life... it's great! I have parents who truly love and care about me. A sister who would give her life to see me smile and keep me safe. And I have the greatest friends imaginable. No, it's not always perfect... but it's close. People actually tell me they'd kill to have my confidence sometimes, and they think my hair is beautiful. But I never saw any of it. To me I'm shy, my hair is crappy and hard to work with, my looks are just not up to par, and my parents are too strict. It's all a lie though, and I never saw it. How could I have forgotten? I must seem like the biggest witch ever, not appreciating what I have. Well that ends now. From now on I'm loving my life, becuase it could be a LOT worse.
To my friends: I love you guys, thanks for making me happy all the time. You're all my heros.
Love,
Jay
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Jacqui-Chan
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2006 6 April :: 1.55pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Kiss XM
I'm so confused...
So, I'm completely lost. JD calls me a lot from Florida, and that makes me way happy. But I don't know what to think about it. Sometimes he says he loves me, but he never says he misses me or anything. He says he misses everyone. He only admitted to missing just me once, and that was just because he doesn't want me to hang out with Tim and some people from his church on Sunday. JD is a crazy person! He actually told me he was trying to hook up with some girls, but then ten seconds later he was like "I love you, I want to come home". Bull shit! Ugh... you cannot try to go make out with random girls that you meet in Florida and then tell your ex-girlfriend how much you love her! That does NOT work out. Stupid kid.
Okay, and on top of the JD situation there's Cory. See, I have a small crush on him... and I have for a while. But I'm afraid. I don't want to lead him on, because I still like JD a lot... and if things are gonna' work out with him than I want to stay. But Cory likes me... he's told me that and that he'd ask me out if he knew I'd say yes. And for a while I might've said yes... but when JD was informed about the situation he was really angry and sad. He said he'd been thinking about wanting to date me again and stuff. So then we dated... and I ended it, because I didn't know where he was with liking another girl. I should just end the whole thing... but I have some sort of weird force holding me here. Keeping me in the JD zone... I HATE it. This is totally not even healthy. I think I'll give him one more chance when he gets home... but if it doesn't work out maybe I'll see what's up with my other options. Because this kid needs to work stuff out for himself before he can be in a relationship with anyone at all.
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Jacqui-Chan
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2006 31 March :: 8.49pm
Every long lost dream, led me to where you are...
I miss him like crazy... and it's only been a day.
Spring break sucks... it always has... why did I think this year would be any different.
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