One day until I'm 21. One.

It's amazing how much everything changes so drastically from year to year. Different places, different people, but always hoping things are going to get better. This is the year! This is my year!

And 4 months in, I'm all "fuck this year."

After 21 years one would think you'd get used to the swing of it all. But no. Not me. I still let my days revolve around everyone else and put myself in the back of my own mind until they get tired of me and move on.

And I'm always so shocked when it happens. I always cry like it's the first time. But the only reason is because it always hurts like the first time.
And there's a little miniature me sitting on my shoulder, rolling her eyes.

I'd give about anything for someone to explain to me how I manage to ignore all the red flags and drive myself into the eye of the storm.
Explain to me how I always find the experts at sorry, and how I always fall for the same act every single time.
Explain to me how I manage to fall into this cleverly disguised hole - when I dug it myself.

Don't really explain it to me. I won't listen..

I've ignored the anger and the lies and the fake smiles, and instead of getting out before it all comes crashing down on me (again!?) I hid my own anger with fake smiles and lie to myself about his lies. Vicious, vicious hamster wheel of a life.

It's such science, really.
It never fails and always plays out the same way to a T.
More accurate and timely than a clock.
I could write a book and start my own Self-Induced Relationship Psychosis program. Chase away your loved ones in RECORD TIME! Here's my guide!
Somehow I feel like there's a bigger market for that than anyone would care to admit.

Crazy or not, that's the reality of it all: tumultuous, explosive relationships are more common than the happy ones with the white fences.

Why?

Because we all love to play mad scientist, especially with our own hearts (because that little river runs into the Self Loathing delta, and if you're like me, you're always looking to step it up.) There isn't a more volatile, explosive, hazardous compound in existence than the human heart. Truth.

And if you can get multiple hearts involved? Russia can eat their frozen little hearts out. Nuclear warfare has got NOTHING on love and other related disaster products. Absolutely nothing.

Not to mention, it's cheaper.
Wayyyy cheaper.

Because almost every person on this planet will give their heart willingly. FOR FREE! I love free shit! As long as they don't know it's for free. What I mean is, play your cards right. Eyes up front, asshole. Listen good. Fill them up with flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep. Swear by fake I Love Yous and Forevers. Empty intentions also work, too. Spray that cologne on that teddy bear to cover up the deceit! Mmm, Abercrombie & Lies, my fav.

More than likely, they'll give it up and you're free to do whatever your crazy little mind wants. Love them, hate them, mind-fuck them. Run over their heart with a metaphorical steamroller. (1) Their heart is your oyster!

The beauty of the heart and consequential breaking of said heart is that - although it is almost ALWAYS MESSY - the human heart (2) is self-medicating and self-healing. Give it time (and a collection of Journey/Cher and some cheap wine) and wait it out. They always forget about it. The pain fades with the excitement of something new. Until it happens again. This, boys and girls, is how the head-to-desk slam came to be. And also, suicide.

When you're all done, you move on. They move on. More heartbreak, more pain, thanks for the memories and the cheap dinner dates! (3)

The only thing that ever changes is whether you're the one getting your heart pulverized, or you're the evil heartbreaker. Sometimes people get their heart stepped on so many times, they finally wise-up and turn the tables. Also, some people get beaten at their own game and wind up crying into a bowl of spaghetti-o's while drowning their sorrows in Tyra re-runs.

In that lame movie "The Happening," that crazy lady had it right. She said something along the lines of, "there ain't never two people standing in one place lovin' each other exactly the same." I'm not going to research the exact quote because like I said, the movie was lame. But the crazy lady? she knew what she was talking about. So she didn't have electricity, she collected weird dolls, she slapped a little girl for reaching for a dinner roll, and ultimately she killed herself on her own broken windows; yes.. but SHE KNEW HER SHIT.

I'm not trying to come across as pessimistic (what, you were getting that vibe too?) and I'm not saying everyone should give up on love, so put your pitchforks and torches and "fuck you, Love!" signs down for a second and finish this.

It's not about avoiding pain. No matter where you are or what kind of life you're living, there will be pain. So maybe you haven't given anyone the chance to cheat on you, lie to you, promise you forever then take it away? Doesn't mean you're safe. You're, in fact, more vulnerable than anyone. You will have friends that betray you. Your car could collide with an oncoming truck and take away your dreams of being an Olympic gymnast. And guess what, your grandma is going to die.

...

Here's a tissue. You had to hear it at some point.

Life IS pain. Life is knocking you down and seeing how many times you can get back up on your feet before your clock runs out. Life is ugly and it is devastating, but it's the most beautiful gift you'll ever receive.

My point: break the cycle. Break the cynicism. Ditch your preconceptions and trade them in for acceptance. Stop wasting your time punishing every new person in your life for all the wrong the old one's did.
It's too short. We only have so many grains of sand in that glass and this isn't Verizon, there's no roll-over.
No do-overs.
No bank in the world can give you a loan for more time.

So take off that fake smile and put a real one on someone else's face.
Help them clean up the mess someone made of their heart.
Try keeping those promises. You'll be surprised when people around you start keeping theirs.
Give those flowers and chocolates, and when someone finally returns the favor, share with your friends (after you've gone through and eaten your favorites already. They can have the coconut ones.)

Tomorrow is my 21st birthday.
And after 21 years of pain and hardship, I can tell you why I'm still optimistic.
Because I've also had 21 years of stomach cramps from laughing so hard at the funniest jokes told to me by the most beautiful people.
I've had 21 years of being free to make these mistakes.

I'm grateful for being hurt because if I hadn't, I wouldn't appreciate how it feels to be loved.
I'm grateful for losing people in my life because otherwise, I wouldn't know how to appreciate the ones still in it.
I'm grateful for having my heart broken so now I know who I can really trust with it.

Yeah. It may have taken me 21 years to figure all of this out.
But I know some people never do.
And I want you to know that, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you've done - I love you. With all my heart.






(1) Metaphorical steamroller. Like, cheating or lying. Running over their heart with an ACTUAL steamroller won't get you anything but a cozy prison cell and a new best friend who will come to know you better than your mom. Inside and out. Think about it.

(2) Not sure about any other type of heart. Cats may hold forever grudges.
I know mine does.

(3) Every time I have diarrhea, I'll think of you.

in the dark..