Devil Incarnate

Devil Incarnate

:: 2004 19 June :: 2.22pm

My tribute to Jessie Wilde

Good things about today:
1. My hair is not frizzy and I parted it on a different side
2. I bought School of Rock
3. I've been hanging out with my cousin and I almost felt fun
4. I'm going to Grand Haven tomorrow
5. I haven't cried and I'm going to put on mascara
6. It's very nice
7. Twenty-Nine days is only one day more than four weeks.

8 bullhorns | Sound off

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 18 June :: 8.22am

I don't think I take thirty more days of this. I hate this house. I hate myself.

This summer was supposed to be so great. Now everything is turned on its head. Once again it's like I'm just exsisting and not really feeling. And I'm not eating. I COULDN'T EVEN EAT STRAWBERRIES. I'm not hungry though. It just makes me sick.

I want to do something, but I'm too nervous. My mom sucks. I know I'm a lucky girl with everything. But I can't focus on that because it doesn't matter. I don't have everything. The person I want is not here. He'll probably never be here again. It's like he's dead, but only to me. I'm jealous of everyone who gets to see him. And any future plans just seem hazy now.

Let's Focus on these things:
1. I am not able to lay in my bed all day. Or sit and stare at things

2. I do have some mighty good friends

3. nothing. this list sucks.

Why couldn't he have hit me or been mean? I can't even get angry. That would be better than being sad. At least then I could release some energy.

3 bullhorns | Sound off

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 17 June :: 3.17pm

31.

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sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 16 June :: 9.55am

I wasn't going to take a shower today. I have 32 days to take a shower.
Yesterday I spent some time with the floor. Screaming at it.

But here are some goals:
1. Start wearing contacts
2. Call Brenda
3. Prevent ostioporosis
4. Stop thinking/Distract myself with anything
5. Practice clarinet

Also things I won't miss

1. Waiting to be let down
2. Secrets and awkwardness
3. His mom
4. His driving

But everything else.

DEAR GOD! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE WINDOW AND OPEN THE DOOR AGAIN?

but i read the e-mail again. it doesn't hurt the second time. well not as much.

going to see the doctor today.

7 bullhorns | Sound off

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 15 June :: 7.42pm

I WAS okay. But now. God.

other people.

33 days until i die

5 bullhorns | Sound off

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 14 June :: 12.06am

I think my summer will be a bummer. There were so many things that we were going to do. And now? I'm dying. No not dying. Just sort of withering. I'm okay if someone is distracting me. Or if I'm working.

But this can all be very comical. Getting dumped. For the next 34 days I'm going to take myself on a magical journey to feeling better. That's right. . .deadline.

Thirty-Four Things I've felt in like the last five minutes.

1. Sad
2. Worried
3. angry
4. small
5. tired
6. overwhelmed
7. betrayed
8. rejected
9. abandoned
10. remorse
11. nostalgic
12. bitter
13. nervous
14.senstive
15. sick
16. dead
17. wired
18. clingy
19. scared
20. crushed
21. lonely
22. hysterical
23. mopey
24. wasted
25. disconected
26. vunerable
27. pathetic
28. lost
29. weak
30. ugly
31. quiet
32. desperate
33. uncomfortable
34. crazy

3 bullhorns | Sound off

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 12 June :: 11.50pm

Just 10 minutes and THIRTY FIVE ugly days until I'm whole.

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sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 12 June :: 6.50am

Thirty-Six days.

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sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 11 June :: 6.20pm

I've been dumped. Or pushed aside until July. I'm not sure yet.

But someone put an offer on the house.

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sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 10 June :: 9.48pm
:: Mood: dreading
:: Music: smashing pumpkins-here is no why

I don't understand.

But mom yelled at me because I was beating my dresser to death. And then I got the door involved.

It's not like I'm going to sleep. I'm so nervous and an angry. This is the last time though. That is my promise. I won't go through it again.

1 bullhorn | Sound off

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 10 June :: 8.56pm

When have people even paid enough attention to me to even notice a change?

5 bullhorns | Sound off

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 9 June :: 5.26pm

So I guess today is National Tell Sarah You're Coming Over and Then Not Day.

I'm okay though. We're going to fix things. And obviously my love of Bosco Sticks and books is greater than my sadness.

friday friday friday friday friday.

ipromiseipromise

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sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 7 June :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: unraveled
:: Music: smasking pumkinds-farewell and goodnight

I'm making myself so nervous.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

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sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 7 June :: 6.32pm
:: Music: smashing pumpkins-zero

I'm going to be a terrible mother. reading. yes. playing spiders? no thanks. you falling asleep because i'm not paying attention to you? right on.

and hello little monster pervert you make me shake. you are my number one fear. and i'm not planning on crying now so i'm not going to. pretend pretend.

AND?!!!!! this feeling of being exiled. it can't be helped. please...come back. thursday?

and now i feel better about my not liking big j very much. and not wanting to die for him. and feeling like a stubborn child when i thought that.

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sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 6 June :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: wizard!
:: Music: smashing pumpkins-to shiela

It's such a shame.

And I have no intention of honoring that promise.

ache ache.

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