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m&ms487

:: 2007 24 October :: 9.19am

I know what they're doing is wrong, but that doesn't keep me from being scared shitless.

I guess we'll wait for Legal Aid to call us back so we can set up an appointment with the lawyer.

So this is what it's like to be an adult...

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m&ms487

:: 2007 19 October :: 8.50pm

The Jessa and Andy Show?

You changed the saying.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 18 October :: 12.37pm

My professor for my Latin American Literature class took us to Java City, the on campus coffee house, for class.

...and it was awesome.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 17 October :: 9.49pm

Midterms. So tired...

My brother got married and it was good. I have pictures on facebook for viewing pleasure.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 15 October :: 7.28pm

Woohu.


IS.

BACK...


I thought I was going to die.

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Upchuck

:: 2007 12 October :: 10.14pm

I find myself sitting here writing this hoping that at some point tonight I will have an internet connection to steal from one of our neighbors so I can share this all with you.

This is the Marriage Eve. Tomorrow I will be married. As much as some people talk about how scary marriage is, I have not felt any of that. Yet. Right now takes me back. I am sitting in our apartment all by myself. You know, the bride and groom are not supposed to see one another, it is bad luck. It takes me back to all those years I spent at home, alone by myself on a Friday night. My parents would be up at the lake and so would my sister and I would have the whole house to myself. That is just the kind of dork that I am that I spent many nights, at home by myself when other people my age were out partying, meeting new people, or just generally indulging in whatever kind of behavior our generation uses to escape. Knowing this fact it is pretty amazing that I found anyone to marry me at all.
I mulled over my options for tonight. On the way home I thought about stopping at B-Dubs, sitting at the bar drinking soda in pure obscurity while watching playoff baseball. I thought about going to see a movie all by myself (the only other time I did that was when I was utterly depressed and had a teenage girl tell me how horrible her life was because she had to change positions for softball). I thought about coming home, calling Keith and seeing if he wanted to stay with me for a few hours. But after thinking all those options through in my head I decided that me here by myself was the best course of action. Why? Well this is what I came up with.
When I would spend all that time alone I would do nothing most of the time. However, there were times when a creative force would just take hold of me and I would be compelled to write something, pick up a guitar and play until my fingers hurt, or just merely wax philosophically until I had so many good ideas in a row that I could not write them down fast enough. I thought tonight had that kind of potential. Besides this, what you are reading now, I think nothing else is going to happen.
For me, those nights of philosophical thought seemed to happen sitting in my room. While it was nice when my parents were gone and I could do anything I want, but did nothing, it was always better when I could be locked away in my room late at night. The nights I liked to be the most creative were the nights that were supposed to mean something. I would stay up really late on Christmas Eve in those years. Locked away in my room, watching TV, all those Christmas commercials on, everything decked out in green and red. I would lie under my blankets in my sweats, the heater turned on and the sweet smell of hot metal because it had run for too long. I would wonder about this Christmas, or what the year had been like and how next year could be better (or I would just swear off commercialism as the downfall of American civil society and go out the next day and buy stuff). It was a mixture of optimism and hope that got me going, for a long time that was all I had to cling to. That is what tonight feels like.
I have all the optimism and hope in the world tonight. It feels like Christmas Eve, but 10.000x bigger. I am getting the best present in the whole wide world. God has sent me the world’s biggest Tootsie Pop. For two years I have slowly been trying to get to the delicious center and tomorrow is the day it finally happens. Tomorrow I get a wife, and that is the best present a man could ever get.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 12 October :: 11.38am

It's a slow day on my friends page....I'm a bit disappointed, guys. I don't get to watch soaps because I'm in class.....I need entertainment somehow!!!


Anyway.

I'm heading home in about an hour for Charlie's wedding. It's going to be grand. I just cleaned the apartment and my room, and I just have to wash the rest of the dirty dishes and clean Patrick's bowl.

I don't know. It's just been so busy, and there is stuff in my head, but I haven't had time to think about it....

[edit] I have a craving for sushi. Yes.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 10 October :: 6.00am

I have a class soon, and a book I need to read to write a paper that was due yesterday.

Last night, when I was walking back from university band, I stepped on a leaf and it crunched, and I very much enjoyed it.

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Upchuck

:: 2007 10 October :: 1.25am

Okay, so I know I haven't updated in ?????? 9 months?

Sorry about that.

Life gets busy.

First of all I would never recommend Davenport University to anyway. Perhaps more details to follow in another 9 months.

I have a puppy. Should I say we have a puppy. And right now she is sick. Apparently she has a virus that is highly contagious and is deadly if not treated. We caught it early, so hopefully she is going to be okay. She seems fine right now, we just have to make sure she keeps eating and drinking.

I was watching the parade on Saturday. It brought back to me memories of being in a band. I don't know why. It just struck me that one of the coolest things I had ever done was play in a parade. The opportunities that God gives you are truly amazing.







Oh yeah, and for those of you who haven't realized yet, I'm getting married on Saturday. Peace.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 9 October :: 1.08pm

Today is nice and calm and blue and a little cloudy, and not at all evil and sticky and gross like the past few days.

I have a feeling, somewhere in me, that I can't put a finger on, but I know it's there. I hate that, not being able to identify what I feel.

I signed my major today. I am officially an English major going for a Bachelor of Science in Education, Secondary Certification degree...thing. I'm going to sign my minor in a few days, I think. I need to get this stuff done, especially since the new bill came out for Higher Education that has some stuff in it about tuition assistance for to-be teachers. I need that! ME! Right here!!

I feel _____ .

What is that blank? I feel....straight line? I feel, underscore? I feel.....blank? White? Spacey? Wiped out?

No. Not really. Sometimes I hate that I only have seventyish years on this planet, and I've already used up about one third of them. What have I done in my one third of a life time? Prepared for the second third, I guess. Is that a waste? I'm not sure. What if the second third ends up being about preparing for the third third...and what if the third third is preparing for death...then am I just living my whole life to die? Always preparing for a moment that will never come. What am I trying to achieve? What is the goal? Yes, to have a job, a car, a house, a family maybe....but...why? To have a stable life for the future? What future? I'm afraid that I will have lived my life constantly trying to over achieve in a world that doesn't notice me.

I have poured my emotions into this text box so many times...

just an observation.

I don't understand how I function. I don't believe that there is an afterlife in the Christian sense of the word. I don't believe in a heaven or a hell...maybe a little waiting room with Cosmo and National Geographic magazines from 1988.

What keeps me from being totally depressed about living a whole life, and then just dying, like i was never here in the first place? How do i not be upset when I waste days doing things that I hate, because I know that I will never get those days back?

I know what the meaning of life is: ______________ .

I am feeling rushed.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 5 October :: 12.24am

I have a communication theory exam tomorrow morning that I'm not prepared for. I have a speech to give on monday that I'm not prepared for. I need to start doing some preparation!

Oh man.

So...I got the brother of the month award, which is pretty awesome, but not so awesome because it doesn't mean anything to anybody but me.

whatever.

I need to go study: relational dialectics! proxemics! symbolic interactionism! oh the horror...

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m&ms487

:: 2007 3 October :: 1.54pm

"Everything will exist, move, separate in a river of change which in that instant will dissolve it, age, and corrupt everything without a single voice to sound the alarm...The sun is burning itself alive, iron is crumbling into dust, aimless energy is dissipating in space, masses are wearing out in radiation, the earth is cooling into death...And you will wait for a mulatto and an animal, to cross the mountain and begin to live, to fill time, execute the steps and gestures of a macabre game in which life will advance as life dies; a dance of madness in which time will devour time and no one alive can halt, the irreversible course of death...The boy, the earth, the universe: in those three, someday there will be no light, no heat, no life...There will be only total, forgotten oneness, nameless, without a man to give it a name: space and time, matter and energy all fused into one....And all things will have the same name...None"

From The Death of Artemio Cruz
by Carlos Fuentes

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m&ms487

:: 2007 2 October :: 10.52am

So, I woke up extra early to read the rest of my novel and write my paper. I read for an hour, all grumpy that I'm up, and I finally decide I'm going to skip my first class so i can go to the library to write my paper. I get to the library, check my email, and the class that I had to write the paper for was canceled.

I had a feeling.

Oh, and I was walking back from class, and there were these two people standing at one of the main intersection side walks with big signs about signing a petition for a ballet initiative for medical marijuana, so i signed it.

This has been a good morning.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 1 October :: 2.25pm

They are demolishing the building next door. It's the twin of the apartment building that we live in. They took a crane and started scraping and raking at it, and it came down, foot by foot, in a cloud of dust.

It makes me upset by the destructive nature of our culture. I honestly don't think there was anything wrong with that building, other than it was forty years old. They just want to put up something new that they can charge three times as much for.

Thus, the downfall of our capitalist society, we destroy things that are perfectly fine in search of the almighty dollar.

Except that dollar is quickly losing value.

I don't know what my point is. I get so depressed when I think about money.

That reminds me, the new Meijer contract is out. I should go read it and find out how much more they're screwing me over. Honestly.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 1 October :: 11.25am

I hate the girl that sits next to me in communication theory. She always comes in, much more loud than she should, sits down, sprawls out, and reeks of cigarette smoke. That's when she is feeling well enough to show up.

It's a lecture hall and the seats are really small and close together, and she insists on sitting sidesway in the chair, so not only does she take up all of her space, but half of mine as well. I hate that I have to sit there for fifty minutes with her leg touching mine, knowing that she is looking at my notes and always saying the wrong answer when she gets called on.

I would move, but I'm not giving up my first row seat. Never.

It just irks me.

My public speaking class was canceled today, but I still have to stick around campus to meet with my acting partner so we can practice. Boo.

Tonight, fundraising meeting, and I have to put together my new folder that I bought. It's pink. I finally decided that I'm going to make this position my own, and I'm not going to use the previous Chair's folder anymore. It's a step toward empowering myself and building up the fundraising committee in the fraternity. It's a step, no matter if it's just a symbolic one.

It was raining and cold when I woke up this morning, and the government wasn't shut down. I was enthused by the first, disappointed by the second.

Looks like it's going to rain all day.

Michelle

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