cherylee
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2006 5 January :: 9.18pm
Journal Rules
1. What I say here, stays here. Those of you wanting to be cunts by informing the wrong people about my life, I wish you all to go to hell.
2. I'll say what I want however I want. If you're offended, leave. If you dissagree with anything I say, keep it to yourself because you are wrong and I don't care.
3. Don't be a pussy. Anonymous comments will be deleted. If I know who you are, say so. There's no need to hide.
4. No spammers
5. Annoying users will be put on a black list. By being annoying you give me the right to exploit your username in any way I chose and are agreeing to make all your information available to the public.
6. PlZ dOn'T tyPe LyKe Diz; it's very annoying. If you do, I will forever hate you. That goes for leet typing too.
7. Please tell me how you stumbled upon my journal. I'm paranoid and I feel like there's someone out there to kill/stalk me.
Please follow these few and simple rules. I really would like you to comment to be added. If you follow my rules and don't act like a fuckstain, I will be nice and humanly back to you. If you decide to fuck with my space, I will forever fuck with yours.
Please and thanks.
<33 Cheryl
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2005 12 December :: 3.38pm
I've been so tired lately. I've gotten an average of ten hours a sleep a night, and still it does not seem to be enough. I don't have time to sleep, I have too many things to do. Too much homework, working, blah I have to call them. Blah Blah.
I want to cry. My body hurts. All I want to do is sleep. I'm drinking a mountain dew in hopes of staying awake until five.
I have an essay to write. I hate fricken ap lit. what a bitch.
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2005 8 December :: 3.20pm
So the line for the computer lab has been unusually long for the last three weeks. So I'm sitting in an empty classroom.
I am extremely hesitant about the future right now. None of the classes I need fit together for next semester, not to mentioned the severely strained financial state that another semester's tution payment would put me in right now. I think I'm going to have to wait until the spring/summer semester to get the classes I need.
That puts me in a difficult position at work. Mostly because I know if I am not going to school that they are going to expect me to work full time. Despite the fact that a tution payment would set me back a good bit, I really am not in dire financial straits. I really would prefer to keep working around thrity hours a week and find something useful to do with my time and maintain the status I have now, which is essentially that I get any time I ask for off. Plus, when it comes to softball season, I'm going to need that extra time.
To refrain from getting too sappy in my entry, but I love her so much. Mica, I knw that no one else reads your journal on a regular basis but me, but people do read mine. And I want them to know that I have never been happier in a relationship in my entire life. I love you and I looked forward to waking up in the morning knowing that you are mine.
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m&ms487
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2005 26 November :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: cold
So many things to do, so little time to squeeze them all in. Everything is crazy busy, and I need to get together with my english group. I have a feeling we're going to be half assing our way to a B.
I swear I can hear music comming from somewhere in this house, but everytime I walk around I can't find the source. Maybe I'm finally going crazy. Maybe my house is haunted. These things I do not know.
Whatever it is, it has a good beat.
I think I figured out the reason why I shake when I drink. See, I get cold really easy, and when you drink you're body thinks it feels hot, and your blood vessels open up to let off the heat, which isn't really there, so it cools you when you're not hot, making your normal body temperature go down instead of a hot temperature go to normal. Then I shake because I'm cold. Just shivering, that's all that it is.
This imaginary music is driving me fucking nuts.
I want to be done, I want to be out. I'm not quite sure what I want to be doing instead, but just not this. All this shit. I hate it. I don't want to be stuck anywhere, I want to do what I want. I guess that's what everyone wants, but, as in Ethan Frome, "only the smart ones get away."
I hope I'm one of the smart ones.
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2005 23 November :: 3.06pm
:: Music: The theme from "Rent"
I just realized that I am in a society that was created just for me. Everywhere I go I see people like me. I go to school, people like me. I go anywhere and that is all I see. I turn on the television and there are more people like me. No news channel that has a black anchor, no lasting television show with Asian characters. Everywhere I go, this society was created for me. Then why am I so restless? So angry?
I'm angry at society for having put us in this place. A place where I don't feel like I could stop and help someone on the street. A society that tells me that all this was created for me and I should be happy for it. I should enjoy the things I've been handed in life. A job, a car, a college education. Yes, I worked for those things, so did my parents. But how did that produce someone like me. Someone who is lazy and does what has to be done just to get by. Individualism. I am an individual, but does that mean that I need to isolate myself from others. To become uncaring, unfeeling. We don't yet understand. We don't yet know that consequences of what is about to happen.
I doubt things can keep going on like this for much longer though. So focused on us, on what we want, we neglect what others want. Society is about sublimating your desires for the greater good. But somehow we've changed that. We've changed the greater good into something that can be bought or sold. Something that has material value. The greater good of society is not for everyone to possess iPod. The greater good of society is not to all eat at McDonalds. The greater good of society is not to "Be like Mike." But we've tricked ourselves into believing that. We believe that money will buy happiness. It might, but only for awhile. The only thing that can truly bring happiness is love.
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2005 22 November :: 12.59am
I don't usually do quizes, but this one interested me. I'm not sure if all that can be determined from a few questions, or if I even agree with their scale.
You fit in with:
Taoism
Your ideals mostly resemble those of the Taoist faith. Spirituality is the most important thing in your life. You strive to live by all of your ideals, and live a very intellectually focused life.
40% spiritual.
20% reason-oriented.
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Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
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2005 17 November :: 5.02pm
So I'm not going to bore you all by posting the gigantic paper that I just finished writing. It feels so good, it really does. To have something that large and unwieldly out of the way is just a great relief. I am majorly looking forward to this weekend. Nothing to do but work and spend time with Mica.
If any of you want me to post my 15.5 page paper, with 2 pages of endnotes, just let me know and I would be more than willing to torture you all.
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cowsgomoo!!!
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2005 12 November :: 10.26pm
does anyone read this?
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2005 4 November :: 9.12pm
This is a letter that I just sent to one of my Latin American history profs. Read it and see if you agree with my assessment, or just read it and learn about something you didn't know about.
Professor Aragon,
I have been monitoring today's events and I cannot help but feel that this may be a watershed event for US-Latin American relations.
The Summit of the Americas has stirred up so much controversy both in Latin America and here. On some of the talk shows on cable news the hosts wee asking so-called experts (which were mostly former defense department or administration officials) why the protesters were protesting. They asked if it was just because they don't like President Bush, or if they really had that big of a problem with Iraq. It seemed kind of strange because it suggested that those were the only two reasons that people would protest against the US.
What really got to me was a reairing of an address that Hugo Chavez gave at the protest rally. While steeped in blatantly socialist rhetoric (the downfall of capitalism and whatnot), he might have been making sense. He talked about an alternative to the American led trade agreements (FTAA I think was what he was talking about). He wanted to form something called ALBA (the Bolivarian Alternative for the Peoples of Latin America). He said that this was losely based on the agreement that Venezuela already had with Cuba. He called it an alliance in the political, social and economic realms. His outline seemed quite convincing. He talked about Venezuela's generosity with oil. Such as new agreements that they have with Argentina and Uruguay to provide oil to them at a 40% discount, a three year grace period on payment with a 25 year payment period at 1% interest. Another thing that seemed to be a revision on American led programs was that he advocated for payment in the form of goods and services. Instead of paying with money, he said, Argentina could pay with pregnant heifers.
No matter what he actually says he seems to be pushing all the right buttons. He mentioned just about everything that would seem important in Latin American politics today. He talked about religion and his strong belief in Christianity. He spoke of most of the great independence leaders of Latin America (Bolivar, San Martin, O'Higgins, de Miranda, Marti, even Eva Peron). And about native peoples (and the working class, but that is also par for the course for socialism). I know that he is trying to orchestrate a very real alternative to the US role in the region. It is also of no doubt that he sees Venezuela, and himself as the leader of that movement. It just seems like it may be very well possible. Or am I just wrong? I would appreciate your insight on this issue.
Your student,
Charlie Campbell
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2005 3 November :: 5.58pm
I've been accepted to CMU. They sent me a t-shirt today. It's a very bright white. I like its newness.
So much as been going on lately. I leave for school in the morning when it's dark out, and I get home when it's dark outside. It's almost as if there was never a day at all. But of course that would be false, because even if I don't see it, it's still there, right? I hope so.
All state band auditions are saturday. I'm not sure I'm as prepared as I should be. I've been practicing between three and five hours a day for a little over the past week. My tone is getting a lot better (recovering from the horridness of piccolo). I'm still nervous, though. I guess I've talked myself into believing that it doesn't matter if I get in or not, but it does. It's one of the only things that I'll be able to do. I can't go to CMU's workshop, I can't go to CMU's honors band, I can't go to EMU's honors band. This is about the last thing that I'll be able to do where I'll be challenged and not have to play horridly easy music with people who don't know how to play their fucking instrument.
But I rant.
My eighteenth birthday is a month from tomorrow. Work will be happy because then I can sell lottery and tobacco at the service desk. As much as I want to kill people who run that place, I still can't help but fantasize that someday I could get a degree in marketing or something and be a higher executive than all of them and fire them because they're stupid. I don't think that they realize that they expect too much out of people they only pay six dollars an hour to. I see so many people there that are intelligent and should be doing something, but no, they work for a measly six dollars an hour and will never do any better. The waste of potential disgusts me.
Whenever I am there I feel as though some goodness, some intelligent part of me is dying. Everytime someone yells at me because meijer screwed them over I feel like saying "You know what? They're screwing me over too. I get paid fucking six dollars and hour to stand here and take your shit for them, and guess what, they don't care, even if I do get a manager and they listen to you and assure you they'll 'look into it', nothing is going to happen. You standing here yelling at me is doing neither of us any good, and nothing is going to change because frankly all that corporate does care about are numbers, their profit, how many defective items they can pass off you to, how many times they can screw you over by not pricing things and you aren't a number, you're a real person, just like me, and therefore, they don't care. So fuck off."
End rant.
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2005 3 November :: 3.37pm
Also I was thinking that today would be a very good day just to sit on your trunk and drink a beer.
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2005 3 November :: 2.42pm
So, Part Deux I guess. Not really a continuation. Sort of a middle ground, unrealted to that of the first, although it has the same inspiration, and perhaps the same heartbeat in terms of rapidity of thinking and writing.
Today is an absolutely beautiful day. As I was driving (I do a lot of thinking while I'm driving) I was considering different things about my life and how good things are now compared to how bad they were and I still felt that little tinge of depression lingering. But then after my adrenaline experience, I feel much better, much more alive. I feel like today is such a beautiful day. Such a rarity in life. A 70 degree day at the beginning of November. I can smell fall, much more than i could before. And the sunshine was intense, not intense as in sunburn intense, but as in warm enveloping intense.
So with that in mind, my exam completed and me feeling pretty damned good about it, I strolled. Granted the walk is not long. A few minutes at most a regular pace. But I may have stretched it into 5 or 7 minutes, maybe even ten. If that's one thing that Mica has noticed about me is that my pace changes according to my mood and not always in the same ways each time. While I was strolling I had some of the most curious thoughts. Race for one thing. Such as "If February is Black History Month, does that mean that March-January are White History Months?" That sprang up from a thought I had about perhaps celebrating my whiteness. African-Americans celebrate their ancestry in the way of Kwanza, and they celebrate their physical skills at things like basketball and thuggery (not an insult, but what is gangsta rap really?). Why shouldn't I be able to celebrate my heritage and attributes as a white person? I want Christmas back in the schools. Or I want my quiet demeanor and intellect celebrated. I would prefer it. I know it all sounds extremely racist, and on the surface it is. It's not about me having personally held beliefs in these things, but damnit I want the system to be fair. Something on Scarborough Country last night (now in general I like the guy, but I think he's been high jacked by his producers into putting crap like the missing persons stories on, I'd much rather hear his political analysis since he is a former Congressman) piqued my interest. Something about the ACLU sueing over a group of Catholic students praying at a high school. That doesn't suprise me, although the American Civil LIBERTIES Union should be standing up for the rights protected in the Constitution, not trying to tear them away. What got me was that Joe said that if it were a group of Muslim students offerring up a prayer that the ACLU would be there to protect them and that no one would sue over that. The more I thought about, the truer that thought became. It also occurred to me last night that since when did people of color become the "minority in the world." Most definitely in the United States, each separate group, African-Americans, Hispanics, Arab-Americans, Chinese-Americans, and Japanese-Americans, are all a minority to Caucasians in this country. However, are people of color really a minority? In the world they certainly are not. Only in the west? Not so much anymore. Come to think of it, France is having a problem with it's immigrant community right now as a matter of fact (check it out, civil uprising in a western country, doesn't happen often).
But I have to get back to the lovely story of walking in the warm embrace of the sunlight. Then I noticed that people were looking differently at me. Not the way they usually look at me. Like I had bright blue paint all over me. But I didn't. I am wearing khakis today. Not a traditional move for me, since I am more of a jeans guy (you could say that, I think this is the first time I've worn anything but jeans to class ever). Was it that people were looking at me differently just because of the pants I was wearing? I mean I could understand it if these were people I knew and that were used to me dressing in certain ways, but they weren't. Maybe I just had a different attitude about myself, being dressed a little better, today and I have a big ego and thought that more people were looking at me. Either that or I was kidnapped last night, woke up before they had completely recreated my living environment, that's why the power was off so everything didn't have to be detailed because it would be dimly lit. Then Everyone I've encountered so far today is just an alien stand-in testing me for my reactions to certain stimuli. And they are all looking at me because they are observing me. I also have other evidence that I won't mention here to support this. It is however, extremely unlikely.
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2005 3 November :: 2.13pm
A lot of things on my mind and I'm not sure I'm going to cover them all because I may forget. So this may be a little disjointed as I figure out in my head exactly what I want to talk about.
What's got me like this? Nothing like a little adrenaline baby. So, I haven't gone to my social science research methods class since our last exam. Mostly out of arrogance, but also out of the fact that I just don't like it and I have better things to do with my time. So I went today because today was the second exam. Yeah, not so good to skip ALL the classes between two exams, but I did. So yesterday I started studying for it. Mind you now, I haven't been to class for almost four weeks, so I have had no exposure to this material. There was one point in time that I actually did feel bad about not going and read a little in the book (more out of curiosity than real concern). So, no class and little reading is not the combination that you want to have when going into an exam. So last night I ended up falling asleep sometime after eleven. I did get some studying done, but not a whole lot (although I did start reading the book that I have to have done for my Modern China class next week). Let's face it, I'm a procrastinator. I will do everything but what I'm suppossed to do until right before I have to do it. Flash ahead. 6:30am this morning. Mom wakes me up. We have no power, power completely out. So I lay there until she leaves and then Mister Bright Idea me figures it out. Last night I started to write my notes for the exam on my computer. Mind you now, my laptop has an extremely low battery life because the battery is four years old and has been recharged too many times. So that was completely out of the question. Usually if I can't use my laptop I end up getting online with it, putting my stuff on BB and then reaccessing with my home computer. But since we had no power, couldn't do that either. So here comes the bright idea part: I decided to go to work. Okay, doesn't seem like a viable option for most of you, but it was for me. I went to work where I was able to plug in my laptop, listen to music (stereo in the dining room), and be in relative peace because the store was not yet open and everyone works in the back room until then. So yes, smart me goes to work and studies for almost two hours. Then I figure, "Hey, I'm in town and I'm going to the bank, maybe I should stop by Mica's house and wake her up." Well that plan utterly failed as soon as I turned onto 17 Mile and I saw her going the option direction in her car (honey why you do that to me?). So then blah, blah, blah. Fast forward to me getting ready to leave my house. The power came back on while I was gone so I did have access to my printer now. This is especially important because I have no exporting capabilities on my laptop except printing and uploading to another computer directly or the internet. So I go to print my stuff right when I have to leave (procrastinator), but then I remember that my printer is either out of ink or the cartridge is dried up because I don't use it enough. So I have to be quick like a bunny. The plan was to leave an hour before i had to be there so I had about 15 minutes or so to study before the class started. So I couldn't print my notes. I wasn't going to bring my laptop with me because it would have just been impractical. This is followed by panic because traditionally my laptop does not like to connect to the internet easily. It always needs a little coaxing and takes awhile to connect. Well, I figure, I've got enough time. It's the middle of the day, traffic won't be so bad, I can make it there in 35 minutes. No problem. Of course, I did have problems connecting, eventually got it transfered to the other computer and printed. So I embark for school. I get behind this guy on White Creek that must have seen a 3 for the 5 on the 50mph sign. It's really annoying because when you are going south there is only one spot to pass, and it's very short. Get on the highway. there is a sign at Post that usually says something about construction ahead, or something like that. Instead, today it says "Speed Limit 45mph, Trucks 20mph." I'm thinking "Great, traffic is goign to suck." Well I drive and nothing is getting bad, until I get just past West River. It seems they closed the left lane right before the ramp I need to get off of. So everyone is trying to get into the right lane. At this point, I'm sitting stopped on the expressway, 3/4 of a mile from my off ramp (aka freedom) with twenty mintues to get to my class. So I'm thinking, "Great, going to be late to the exam for the class I haven't been to in four weeks." Well, I find a parking spot (not any easy thing to do, maybe another entry), and truck it across campus. I get to the building I'm going to, and I had grabbed a dollar out of my wallet while I was walking. I needed water because I was already cottonmouthed before I basically power walked across campus, now I was even worse. It must have been a sight. I was holding my typed notes in one hand and my dollar in the other, trudging in a hooded sweatshirt and khaki's across campus on a 70 degree November day. I get to the hall and the stinking vending machines won't take my dollar. Oh well, can't waste time on these things, already five minutes late for the exam. So I walk in and get the exam, everyone is already taking the test so I don't have to worry about those weird "where have you been" questions from my classmates. So I take it and sit down. Honestly I think the professor was downright suprised to see me. I went tright ot work on it. No use in letting that momentum from chugging it float off into nowhere by getting settled in. I went right to work. Before I knew it, I had answered the entire first page with no problem. Frankly I think that that was a bigger suprise to her than me showing up. Because the seat I got was right there in front of her and she could very well have watched my progress if she had wanted to. So that leaves me here, some thirty minutes past when I started this and I am still tense, although not banging things out quite as quickly as I was when I first started. Okay, everything else I wanted to say needs to be broken off into a separate entry because this one it just plain too long.
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2005 1 November :: 10.47pm
halloween was alright. didnt get much candy, but i spend almost all night with rachael. i left her house around eleven. so that was fun. she's awesome!!!
yeah, thats about it. see ya'll later
-me
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2005 28 October :: 6.07pm
Following a discussion I had at work the other day about old Nickelodeon shows, I went back to do some research. I think they really need to go back and dig out the reel-to-reel of some of the old episodes. There is an entire under culture movement on the internet that is screaming for either: 1. A release of old Nickelodeon shows, or 2. That Nick scrap it's current shows and go back to the old ones.
Personally, I don't care. My favorites were the Tomorrow People and Welcome Freshman.
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