Username: spinder login type: sessions

:: 2005 20 October :: 10.19pm

For some reason, every Thursday night I feel in an expansize mood. I feel re-energized, like I am at peace with the universe. I'm not sure what it is. It could be several things. It could be my class. Modern China is such a mystery to me. I have no point of reference for it, so everything that I learn is new. Or perhaps it is the effect of learning about another culture. That could be what is causing this. Not because I know so much about Latin America, but because it is so western, it doesn't seem like another culture. It could just be the night. Coming home with everything all dark and lights in my eyes. I don't see the night as much as I used to. The night is just so romantic. It's the time in between. You know that the sun is going to rise again, but you don't know what to. A new day with new possibilities. If you're like me, in the light, you're very skeptical that tomorrow will change the world, but night is like a dark tunnel that has a certain exit, but not a certain destination. Because every Thursday, I listen to WAY FM (I listen to it most of the time anyway), and when I get to the curves right before the Fruitridge exit, I just get that overwhelming feeling. I just feel God's presence in my life and the over arching completeness of His love.

That brings me to another note that I have been want to touch on. It may not seem, especially for the last little bit, that I recognize the impact that God has on my life. It is true, that many times I don't. I've been so worn down lately, so angry at nothing, and yet at everything. So it is not easy to see the impact that He has on my life. That is my fault and I should endeavour to do better. But it's not about that even. Because I recognize, every single day that if it wasn't for Him, I wouldn't be hear. If it wasn't for His blessings, I wouldn't be the person I am.

I also got another response from Kim today. Things are getting very strange inside my head now. And I wouldn't be posting this if I thought you were going to not understand my words. For me, it's almost a pity now. I pity Kim so much. It's not that I am just that arrogant to think that I could have given her everything, or done anything about what is happening with her family, but I could have been there to at least see her through it. No, actually, a lot of it is arrogance. Because I felt the same way about Shari. Things haven't turned out the greatest for her, but their not the worst either. So I guess I am just arrogant in thinking that they lost their shot at happiness when they lost me.

And that, friends, brings me to my very last part of this entier ramble tonight. I don't have to worry about that with Mica. I don't have to worry about being arrogant, I don't have to worry about being tired. Everytime I see her she puts a smile on my face, and not just because she's my girlfriend. If she was my friend she would probably do the same thing. She might possibly be the funniest, smileyist (is that a word), jovial girl that I have ever known. And I'm not just saying that to score extra points either. It's something that I don't even come close to deserving. My only hope, as we go further is that I can meet her expectations.

So everyone have a good night, because tomorrow will be a brand new day.

:: 2005 13 October :: 5.22pm

So, anyways. I feel so completely ran down today. It might have something to do with last night, but then again I think it has something to do with the way I've been living lately. Denise turned the scedule over to me this week and then I was told last night that it needed to be done by five today. It never had been before, so it just put a lot of extra pressure on me. Besides, yesterday was just stressful in it's self. I wish I could do something to tak it all away. I promised myself I wouldn't let it get to this point. I just need to take a step back and not invest myself in this job so much. Not get caught up in the pettiness of it. I mean, I didn't have a job for a long time, so it's not like they can get rid of me and I'll be no worse for it. I need that attitude back.

Oh, and honey, if you see this, I'm coming over before I go home tonight ;)

:: 2005 11 October :: 1.07pm

So I just finished my exam in Modern Latin America. It's kind of wierd. I think it was the first time I've ever been the last one to get done with an exam. Usually it's because you can't remember something, but this time it was because I remembered too much. I was suppossed to discuss the Latin American independence movement. Well that took me three pages. Then synthesize the capaigns for two countries. I got all the way through Mexico, but i barely gave Columbia a head nod because I was running out of time. THat was another two pages. Then I was suppossed to examine if they had met their goals. Which took another page, but could have taken longer. So now my hand is mucho tired from writing for 1.5 hours straight.

Upchuck

:: 2005 10 October :: 10.03pm

I'm just struggling with these questions. Is it possibly to be just? Is it alright to sin and still feel on the moral high ground? Do even corrupt individuals have it in their hearts for acts of kindness?
I don't know the answer to any of this. I do know that we're all flawed. All lost in our own way. But what to do about it, I don't know. What is the meaning of learning about high minded ideals, about process and procedure, if it does nothing to help the world? If it doesn't not help our fellow souls. Why spend our time dwelling on the things we can't do, the things we can't make right, instead of the things we can?
I guess these are deep probing questions. Something that I want to know and feel from my heart and from my soul.
Somedays I feel like an abject failure, because of the things I haven't been able to accomplish. The people that I have failed to help, the life that I have failed to lead, and the things I didn't even try at haunt on those days. But today was different. Today I feel a supreme confidence that I can do anything I set my mind to. But what to det my mind to. It feels like it's such power that it shouldn't be wasted. I could do anything, anything at all. But I'm still lost.
Still lost in the desert, waiting to be led into the promised land. The place where I will be able to see my children grow. That's where I want to go. And if now, this is about confidence, then I have supreme confidence. I have supreme confidence that He will lead me there, and when I arrive, when we arrive, it will be us as a complete people who will have their heads held high. And we will look at one another and be able to express that which will save us all. Love.

cowsgomoo!!!

:: 2005 7 October :: 11.40pm

Okay, for those of you who actually read this:

I am not dead... actually very far from dead... i am feeling great. I have a girlfriend, who is fantastic, classes are going good, and I don't have to put up with shit from soccer. Life is going good

-me

:: 2005 6 October :: 8.46am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: The Allman Brothers Band

So Mica's been on me to update my journal when it's only been a few days. If everyone I knew update their journal every day I don't think things would work so well.

Anyway, I've been having a lot of very bad dreams lately. Dreams where either people are out to get my friends (as in the white Mazda at work dream), or there out to get me (in the field trip turned into interrogation session, in which I am labeled a communist spy). Other variants include me losing my identity. I'm not sure what they mean. The two that I had this morning I woke up and it felt like I hadn't moved at all. That's kind of scary too. It might be the fact that I'm a little stressed out right now. Well, at least compared to what I was the last few months when I had absolutley nothing demanding anything of me.

I really wish that I could capture that feeling I had the night after I gave my presentation this summer. It was just that good feeling where you know that you nailed it. You did everything right when no one was expecting you to. That night was pure bliss, unlike Tuesday when I got out of class. I thought I had a fairly good plan coming in, but I asked some questions, and I don't think anyone was really into answering them. I wanted to have a good presentation, instead it was just as stupid as the rest of them.

Atman

:: 2005 2 October :: 11.01pm
:: Mood: Haha
:: Music: Haha

Twenty
I just took one of those tests that you need to take to sign up for an online account that 'checks your reading' abilities or whatever, were it makes you type some random letters. I just got,

wtfnub

No joke, for those of you who understand.

6 \\\\ | \\\\\\\

atman

:: 2005 2 October :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: Alone
:: Music: Bombs Over Baghdad

Ever feel this way?
Well, I hung out with Nate tonight. It was alright, and he forced me to meet some girls. I talked to them for a long time, and there was one in there I've been thinking about for quite awhile now. And I can safely say I won't have to worry about asking her out.

After talking to that group of girls, I get this feeling that I'm gonna be by myself for a looooooong time. All the girls here in the honors dorm in Trout just seem...boring. I blame Cedar. Cedar has made me expect girls to be loud, bitchy, annoying, crazy, cool, etc. Or any combination of the previous. Here, they just sit around and talk about how they can't eat sugar anymore.
Nate DID make me realize something though. I CAN get out there and talk to people, but there is a huge hitch. I need someone to be with when I'm doing it. Someone who has my back and can fly in and do damage control if I say something stupid.
I guess with the girls I met earlier, it was the first time we met, so its possible they just didn't know what to say, and, "I can't eat sugar" was just the first thing that came to mind.
Yea, this weekend was nice though. I enjoyed hanging out with Chris again, I've forgotten how much fun it is. Plus Red Flannel is a HELL of a lot more fun when you AREN'T marching.
After that, David, Chris, Rob (Chris's friend) and I went to see 'serenity' at Star. That movie kicked some serious ass. Plus I found it humorous that everyone but me was freaked out by a movie.
Ah, the Reavers...I eatzor yous! Lets us go to ze Steak & Shake!
Anyway, I gotta get going. You kids keep on trucking.

3 \\\\ | \\\\\\\

:: 2005 30 September :: 9.55am

I think the gay thing is nice. It really exposes the problems in the argument against gay marriage. But what you don't understand is that in this country, no matter how stupid you make people feel, they'll keep voting the way they want to. In addition, you can't get laws overturned by poking holes in how the law got passed. It's already passed and you have to give solid reasons to overturn it.
I will also say this. No matter how stupid it may make me feel, I don't support gay marriage. I don't have a reason. It's not that I don't like gay people. Yes, of course I feel uncomfortable around gay guys. To me, that's almost natural. Until I remind myself that I'm not wholy attractive to very many girls out there, so why would I be attractive to a gay guy. I know a lot of gay people, and in general I like the people themselves. What I don't like is the movement, the rhetoric behind it. It really bothers me that they are attacking the fundamental unit of society. Really it all comes back to a religious perspective. But the stereotype is that homosexuals are promiscuious. That stereotype could be further from the truth because there are many homosexuals who are 100% committed to their relationships, more so than even heterosexual couples. BUt if you follow the logic (or illogic) of the stereotype. If Homosexuals are already breaking the societal expectation of normal sexual behavior (which for the anti-gay marriage vote runs something along the line of celibacy) then what is stopping them then from breaking all the norms. Which is why homosexuals are portrayed as being promiscuous.
But I think I've drifted from my point. Which is to say that I do not feel comfortable endorsing gay marriage. I voted No on prop. 2 last year for only one reason. And I wished more people would have looked at it carefully and considered the consequences before they made it law. That reason was that it also closed the door on civil unions. I don't believe that the title of marriage should be given to gay couples, but they most certainly deserve the same rights as other people. To me, one is a legal quesiton (visitation, adoption, and inheritance rights) and the other is a socio-moral question (the title of marriage). So there. Despite having tried to think this one out, that is the conclusion that I have come to, so go ahead and blast away.

5 \\\\ | \\\\\\\

atman

:: 2005 29 September :: 7.09pm
:: Music: This Machine (Twenty points if you know where its from!)

Still here
So here it is, a frigid thursday night. I'm stuck in my room desperately trying to bullshit a pages worth of information for my honors class (AGAIN).

I took my first official test in college today. I didn't do so well. I think I know something I should remember when I become a teacher.
IF SOMETHING ISN'T GOING TO BE ON A TEST, DON'T ASK STUDENTS TO STUDY IT.
I studied dates for a long ass time, tons of court cases, and went over the admendments in the back of the book. I was told these were 'important for the test', yet they were so important, they didn't show up. What DID show up, however, was all the shit I should have been studying. Latin phrases, random vocabulary I hadn't heard of, and more latin phrases...did I mention that latin showed up quite a bit? Oh, and I have a question. Who the hell intials Lyndon Johnson's name?! I saw a list of presidents for one of the questions that read,
Ford, Carter, LBJ.
Did el BJ die in an assaination? No. Did he stop pollution? No. All he did was take over for Kennedy. To me, that DOES NOT warrent intials. But thats just me.
Other than that, college is fair. I sat with a group of girls on Tuesday (OMFG) and tried talking to them, but none of them really interested me. They all seemed kind of boring. But it was about 9:30 in the morning, and I had been up for about 4 hours, so I wasn't really awake. I guess they could have been offering free sex and I missed it, but I highly doubt it since I remember one of them talking about how we shouldn't kill defenseless animals for food. I don't see her jumping from "People shouldn't eat rabbits. How are they supposed to defend themselves", to "Wanna do it on this table?"
I've also thought more about seriously doing a comic, but no longer with Bill and Bob, actually. I've debated making one and basing it on college and the people I know. I think it would be pretty good, and I've been jotting down ideas for when I learn to draw. Although if Central is anything like Cedar, it'll offer a million drawing classes, but I won't get into any of them.
As much as I'm sure everyone enjoys my bitching, I should get going. I have to talk for a page about whether or not grades matter, whats the purpose of college grades, and are B's ok? OR I can take the classy route and talk about a class that doesn't give grades but instead has tons of feedback, then at the end you pass or fail.
/sigh
/later

6 \\\\ | \\\\\\\

m&ms487

:: 2005 29 September :: 6.53pm

Getting all fired up for all that fun college stuff and deadlines and blah blah blah.

My three choices:

1. CMU
2. Grand Valley
3. Eastern Michigan

I know that I'm going to get into all of them, just which one will give me enough scholarships to go?

All in due time i suppose.

In the mean time, many things for english to do.

Fruit flies are breeding just fine. My F1 generation is taking over the vials!

They twitch when i nap them. It's scary. I put them on the t.v. screen. My fruit flies are famous now.

Indeed.

2 \\\\ | \\\\\\\

:: 2005 29 September :: 5.44pm

So, yeah.

I finally got a response email from Kim. Yeah, from the one that I sent like three weeks ago. Apparently our freak coincidence of running into each other on the road on Tuesday got her thinking again. No, not that she wants me again (which wouldn't even be close to being on the table, it'd be in the backyard, or on Mars or something), but that her life actually sucks enough for her to realize that there are actually people who care about her.

On a side note: I'm really excited about tonight and this weekend in general. But also I was so freakin' tired today. I don't know why. My shoulders are sagging, my legs hurt and it has been very difficult to keep my eyes open. I've also been having extremely strange dreams lately. I have the feeling that if I had stayed up when I woke up at 4:30 I wouldn't feel like this. But it all doesn't matter because I am going to fully partake in all the Red Flannel debauchery that's goin' on this week. WOOOOOOOOOHHHHUUUU!!!!!!!!!!

:: 2005 28 September :: 8.55pm
:: Mood: buzzed
:: Music: "Night Moves" - Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band

Y'all got a little confused on my entry about needing guidance. I think it's funny that you did. You see, right now I think I need the least guidance I've needed in awhile. I know what I'm doing and where I'm going. I know who I am and what I want. And that's a good thing.
The thing I was looking for guidance on was whether I should stay on campus, or come home. But no one was responding to me, so I just said screw it and I came home. So I guess the only one who got that one right was Mica (good job honey). Okay, I'm so looking forward to tomorrow, not because I"m doing anything incredibly great, but because it's Mica's birthday. It was also nice to find out that I get accepted just on the basis of my birth date.